Good Wed Evening, Nea:

Thank you for saying that 🙂

I wish you wouldn’t lose the togetherness experience of family get- together holiday events.

The term ‘triangulation’ comes to mind as a possibility: your father gathering others in the extended family to side with him and against your husband (and by extension against you and your daughter).

I can easily imagine him doing just that 😔

As long as the gatherings happen in HIS house, under HIS roof (like he likes to say), others are likely to feel pressured to bend his way.

Another term that comes to mind in regard to your mother siding with your father is ‘trauma bonding’.

I truly believe that your husband did nothing wrong during the confrontation that was perpetrated by your father.

Often situations are complex and there’s wrongdoing on both sides. But not in what you described.

Sometimes things are really black and white.

“I don’t want to pressure my husband into accepting behaviour that I myself know has hurt me for many years just because the person doing it is my father.”-

That’s your integrity ✨️✨️✨️

Hmm.. I just noticed that you referred to him as your father (and not as ” dad”). I think it’s healthier. There’s a sentiment that’s attached to the word “dad” that.. doesn’t fit with who he really is.

You wrote about your husband: “He wants to stand up for himself”- that’s his dignity, his agency. It’s the foundation of everything that’s meaningful.

I imagine your daughter looking up to her dad (your husband) with admiration, as she naturally will. But if he looks down at himself (for submitting to your father’s domination and abuse), he’ll feel undeserving of the look in her eyes, and that will hurt a lot. I hope that never happens.

🌿 Anita

Good afternoon/ night, Confused 🙂

It’s clear to me that trolling around is a bad idea in this relationship. She needs clarity and joking around blurs clarity.

I think that she suffers from what I’d call an “unchosen wound” and needs clarity, steadiness and reassurances from you. Problem is that even if you never troll around with her, never (ever) mention an ex, and you reassure her A LOT, she’s likely to still feel unchosen (and keep it inside for some time before she lets you know) because the wound is strong and it predated you.

I just noticed that you wrote “maybe I feel safe with her”- do you feel safe with her?

🤔 Anita

Hi again, Nea:

What coercive control is, in general: (1) Taking away choices — the controlling person decides what you can do, say, or think, (2) Using fear to get compliance — threats, yelling, and intimidation, (3) Silencing you — ‘you don’t talk when I’m talking,’ etc., (4) Making you doubt yourself — twisting reality, blaming you, or making you feel wrong for normal reactions, (5) Monitoring or controlling your movements — deciding where you go, who you see, or how you behave, (6) Punishing independence — anger or consequences when you show autonomy.

Nea: “My dad began swearing, calling him names, repeatedly emphasizing that it was ‘his roof,’ and eventually physically advancing/charging toward him… And yes, there has been a lot of name-calling directed at me personally over the years. I mean actual swear words and degrading language—being called a ‘bitch,’ being told to ‘shut the fuck up,’ ‘get the fuck out of my house,'”-

Again, the words of the song “What’s love got to do with it?” come to mind. And I would add: What does culture has to do with it?

Anita

Hey 🙂 Confused:

Wanting to help and not knowing how, or not having the time or the patience to invest in a human reply, and/ or wanting to sound fantastically (yet artificially) intelligent 🤔

The two of you are talking again 🙂

I think that she wants to feel chosen, special, to be your One and Only- in your mind, heart, words and actions.

I wonder (not that I am recommending it), what she would think if she read the how many pages of this thread where you talked about her so much. I wonder if she’d feel special.

Clearly, she’d want to be asked officially to be in a relationship with you, one where you show way more commitment than “seeing how it’s going”.

It just occurred to me that it may be a good idea for you- when you talk to her, when you say something- to pause and ask her what she thinks or feels about what you just said before saying more.

Anita

Lu: “I’m the one who started this thread”-

Oh, my goodness, it’s you then, Girija!

You did share not long ago- in this thread- that AI is like your therapist.

Same is true for me, by the way.

So, is Lu the AI version of Girija?

🤔 Anita

Good Morning, Confused 🙂

No, Lu didn’t answer your thread before. Lu is a new account established yesterday, and her replies are 100% AI- generated.

In the past, at times, my replies were also 100% AI-ed, meaning, I copied a member’s post or series of posts and asked (Copilot) to analyze and reply for me.

I thought I was being helpful, but as I read Lu’s AI- ed replies, I decided to never do that again because it doesn’t feel right to be on the other side of it. I mean, if I, as a member in the forums, submit a post about my struggles, I expect real people to answer. If, on the other hand, I want AI’s input, I can get it directly.

… Oh, my goodness, Confused! I didn’t read the second part of your message until just now. Hmm.. She’s clearly not over you in the sense of feeling indifferent or being done with having any contact with you.

And she’s sufferring 😔

How are you feeling about this latest communication with her..?

🤔 Anita

Hi Nea:

I apologize. I was wondering today why you didn’t reply to me. I totally forgot that I wrote “Back 2 U in the morning” at 11:48 pm last night. Red wine last night and I forgot. And I wondered today if our communication was too much for you and you withdrew.

The quality and intensity of what we’re talking about is something else. I don’t come across people like you. I’m so glad you posted tonight, to let me know you’re still here.

Back to your last night post:

“And yes, my husband truly did see my dad as a father figure. He really looked up to him. He would try to do things for him, especially emotionally, and I think for a long time he genuinely tried to see the best in him.”-

And he did so as an adult. Imagine how much you- as a little girl- looked up to him, would try to do things for him, genuinely trying to see the best in him (your father).

In a way, your husband, as an adult, experienced what you did as a child, condensed in a short time.

I will make a big note on my screen to get back to you tomorrow.

Feel free to post more, I’ll still be at the computer for a little while.

Anita

Hi again, Shinnen:

I’d like to share with you what your posting brought up for me:

Before I read your explanation, and after my first reply, I remembered how angry and frustrated I used to get when I was told to “get over” my childhood, (which to me, is very similar to being told to “let go”.)

I couldn’t get over the childhood that damaged me so, nor could I let go of the hurt and shame, guilt, anger and confusion that resulted from that childhood.

Not because I was stubborn and refused the ‘simple’ act of letting-go/ getting-over it, but because to heal- even partly- one has to walk through what happened (not over), and to let in real clarity about what happened- rather than release (let go) of what is not yet seen clearly.

Is what I shared here relevant to what You’re talking about?

Anita