Nichole! It’s you!!!

I didn’t use these words for a while (I know it sounds crude), but sometimes Family is just another F word…

What happened, Nichole?

Anita

Hello Everyone:

Thomas wrote, “Talking about a person has no real self doesn’t help the person who suffered trauma at the hands of their abusers.”-

I agree. Abuse fractures a person’s sense of safety, identity, and relational trust—as it did to me. Survivors like me often spend years reclaiming the right to say: “I exist. I matter. What happened to me was real.”

To then be told “there is no real self” can feel like a philosophical erasure of that pain.

The no-self theory, when applied to trauma, abuse, and healing, risks spiritual bypassing. When non-dual language is used to sidestep accountability—e.g., “there’s no doer, so no one harmed you”—it becomes a tool of denial. Survivors may feel gaslit, invalidated, or retraumatized.

It can even mimic the abuser’s tactics. Abusers often distort reality, deny harm, and fragment the victim’s sense of self. When spiritual communities echo this—however unintentionally—it replicates the original wound under the guise of enlightenment.

Can “No-Self” and Trauma Healing Coexist?

I believe they can—but sequence matters. Before dissolving the self, survivors must first reclaim it. As therapist Bonnie Badenoch writes: “We need a coherent sense of self before we can safely explore its dissolution.”- Healing begins with integration, not transcendence.

Instead of saying “you don’t exist,” a trauma-informed teacher might say: “The self is real enough to suffer—and sacred enough to honor. And beyond it, there is spaciousness.”- This honors both the wound and the wisdom.

Also, non-duality must never be used to bypass harm. A truly awakened stance includes: Naming abuse, Holding boundaries, Restoring dignity.

Only then can the “no-self” insight become liberating rather than annihilating.

James to Thomas: “I fully hear what you are saying. It is true — speaking of ‘no self’ to someone who is carrying deep trauma can feel like dismissing their pain. That is not my intention. What you say… about meeting people with compassion, listening to them, holding space — that is deeply valid. Wisdom without compassion is empty.” True indeed.

Peter wrote: “I was drawn to Anita’s question about whether such a nondual space is soothing.”- In sequence, it can be soothing—after the validation and reclamation of self.

—Anita

Dear James123:

The kind of freedom you are referring to is not the kind that comforts (positive value). It’s the kind that dissolves (neither positive nor negative).

Anxiety (negative) can be dissolved then, worry can be dissolved, fear.. anger, at least for a moment.. and then, for a longer and longer moment.

Thank you!

Anita

“Love is not a choice, not an effort. It is the natural fragrance of being, when there is no ‘me’ and ‘you.’”-

Brilliant, James123.

“the natural fragrance”- what a unique way of saying things.

Anita

Dear James123:

“When the body and mind are filled with judgment, separation, and endless thinking, that is hell. But when the heart holds love—pure, selfless, and without expectation—that is heaven.”-

It’s quite recently that my thinking has been evolving from black-and-white/ all-or-nothing/ binary thinking ===> shades of grey, color, nuance, context, different angles from which to view a complex situation.

Trying to understand the sentence I quoted above using binary thinking, I would have thought that you are suggesting that it’s possible for (an evolved) human being to entertain no judgmental thoughts and to love selflessly all the time, forever more (which would have made me feel very inadequate, ha-ha).

To soften judgment in most circumstances and to redirect judgment to empathy, again and again- that’s possible. To find relief from overthinking, that “endless thinking” you mentioned, which I personally know too well- that’s HEAVENLY.

I said it before, you have a lot to offer people: Love and Clarity.

💖 🙏 Anita

Dear James123:

Double posting- I submitted the above before I became aware of your most recent post. I will read and contemplate it later, and if you’re willing to answer my post before this one, I will be grateful. My goal is to learn from you.

Anita