Dear Milda:

“their one sentence gets me into guilt and old behavior…”- it took me 10+ years of no contact with my mother, more than 10 years of not hearing her voice irl.. to actually stop hearing her voice. More than a decade.

Her voice, shaming, guilt-tripping, so powerful in my psych.. a dominating, domineering voice. A cruel voice.

“their words hit me like a bullet”- I relate. Like a bullet.

I’ll write more in the morning.

Anita

Dear me:

You are making sense. You were clear in your first post here, Sept 20, which you ended with: “just wanted to post about it.”, and a week later (right above): “I… decided to post this connection here because it’s been a while since I posted.”

Like a person reading what seemed like the beginning of a romantic story, I got a bit invested in it, wanting there to be more, thinking it could make you happy.

Thank you, me, for being logical, realistic and strong!

I am looking forward to reading from you in a new thread. I will miss you!

🤍🌿 Anita

Dear me:

I think it doesn’t matter what this guy and that guy says about you and the Taiwanese woman. What matters is what you tell her and what she tells you in return- privately, just between you and her.

Tell her- privately- how you feel. Wait for her response.

I know it’s stressful, but IF you can handle this kind of distress, the unknowing, the anticipation- it’d be worth it.

Be honest and direct with her. What do you have to lose?

🤍🌿 Anita

Dear MissLDutchess:

Indeed, adult life can feel lonely, childhood too. I know loneliness all too well.

It’s courageous of you to put yourself out there in new ways.

I hope that you soon feel like you do belong somewhere!

🙂 Anita

Dear Going Through Life:

I imagine there’re news in regard to SS since you last posted. I wonder if you got together.. or if you got back together?

“she asked me if I want to get together, how will I ever trust again”- you asked her how you will ever trust her again, or did she ask you how she’d ever trust you again..? (not clear in the sentence).

“I was bullied and told I was ugly in my childhood, I inherently seek external validation through relationships and intimacy.”-

Ugly is primarily a behavior, as I see it. So those who said to you (a behavior) what they told you, they are the ones who were ugly at the time, weren’t they?

When you say that you seek validation in this context, you mean that you seek being told that you are handsome..?

Looking back a few posts ago, you wrote “I have started working on my health’- do you have physical health issues or concerns..?

🤍🌿 Anita

Dear Milda:

I finally have the time to read and reply to your recent post attentively. I’ll be typing whatever comes to mind as I respond to what you wrote:

“I can’t stop thinking about the elephant story. Something very fundamental is keeping me stuck in this rope. I think the belief engraved in childhood that I am worthy and lovable only if I constantly give to others is one of those.”-

So, the Rope is the Constantly Giving to other people (a behavior) as a way to feel worthy and lovable.

“The real truth is that everyone is responsible for their life, problem solving, emotions, but in me, this is 180 degrees different- it’s that I am responsible for this.”-

The Rope is also the Untrue Core Belief that you are responsible for what you are not responsible for. It’s a core belief that fuels the constant giving behavior.

“These fundamental programs installed in me keep me stuck. I try to change them by reading books, talking to a therapist, giving myself space and time. None of this helps. I’m still stuck in this rope and the old programs won’t let me get out of it… I just do not know what else I should try, in order to be scared, be guilty, but still do the work of change.”-

There is an issue of brain-body chemistry. Neurotransmitters as well as hormones are in the habit of being released following certain triggers, in certain amounts/ combinations, producing the scared, guilty feelings, as well as maintaining the core belief and fueling behaviors.

The Rope is also the current and long-term Brain Body Chemistry.

Reading books (or reading tis very post0, talking to a therapist, etc. don’t change brain chemistry.

I am now going back to the beginning of your thread..

On Oct 27, 2023, you shared: “I was text messaging with my mother… she replied:… I physically felt a stress reaction: my heart was racing, head spinning, felt nervous, scared and had an immediate thoughts of ‘I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING, I HAVE TO SOLVE IT, HOW CAN I COMFORT MY MOTHER, HOW TO SOLVE THIS PROBLEM FOR HER”-

If I understand correctly, you perceived something dangerous in her reply, a threat to her safety, or to yours=> your brain sent a signal to the adrenal glands (located on top of the kidneys) to produce the hormone Adrenaline which flooded your system so to sharpen your focus and prepare for action. Cortisol, the stress hormone, was also produced and released by the same glands.

I read (Copilot) that “Cortisol heightens vigilance, narrows attention, and can reinforce habitual thought loops—especially around responsibility and problem-solving.”- Cortisol.. The Rope?

Oxytocin, another hormone, this one produced in the brain, is attachment-related, it’s responsible for the impulse to comfort your mother, “Oxytocin can amplify the drive to soothe others—especially caregivers—when they’re distressed.” Dopamine, primarily a neurotransmitter that’s produced in the brain, is responsible for “seeking relief through action” (solving other people’s problems).

Copilot: “Brain chemistry plays a central role in shaping our feelings, thoughts, and behaviors… But here’s the liberating truth: neuroplasticity is real. The brain can rewire itself—even in adulthood. It’s not easy, but it’s possible. Here’s how someone can succeed even when old chemistry resists:

1. Repetition rewires- Habits are built through repeated neural firing. To change them, you need consistent, intentional practice—even if it feels unnatural at first.

Example: Replacing a self-critical thought with a compassionate one, daily, begins to shift the default pathway.

2. Somatic and emotional regulation- Practices like breathwork, movement, EMDR, or somatic experiencing help discharge stored emotional energy and calm the nervous system… Somatic Experiencing (SE) is a body-based therapeutic approach designed to help people release trauma and regulate their nervous system—without needing to relive or retell the traumatic event in detail.

Developed by Dr. Peter Levine, SE is grounded in the idea that trauma isn’t just stored in the mind—it’s held in the body…Instead of focusing on the story, SE guides people to notice physical sensations (tightness, heat, trembling, numbness).
These sensations are clues to where the body is holding stress or trauma… It’s a way of saying: ‘Your body remembers. Let’s help it feel safe again.’

3. Relational safety- Healing in connection—whether through therapy, community, or attuned relationships—can reshape attachment patterns and soothe hypervigilant circuits.

Feeling seen and safe helps the brain learn: “I’m not in danger anymore.”…

6. Sometimes, biochemical support helps- For some, medication or nutritional support can rebalance neurotransmitters, making change more accessible….

So yes, the chemistry is real. But it’s not destiny. The brain is a living system, shaped by experience, intention, and relationship. And when someone commits to change with clarity and support, even the most stubborn loops can soften.”

End of quote.

What do you think, Milda? Personally, I need to get into the SE practice mentioned above..

🌿 🤍 Anita

Dear Gregory:

You are a good, principled person and I admire you for trying to make the world (particularly South Sudan) a better place. I understand how much stress you’ve experienced for a long time. Please slow down and proceed with caution and wisdom. I am rooting for you and for your family and country!

🤍🌿 Anita

You are very welcome, Dafne. Thank you for your message, and lots of love sent back your way ❤️ ❤️ ❤️

Looking forward to reading from you again 🌸🫂💕

Please take good care of yourself!

🤍🌿 Anita