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anitaParticipantGood evening, Mollie 🙂
I definitely relate to making progress- or thinking I made progress- feeling elated about it.. and then, time after time, feeling just as I felt before what I thought was progress, same troubling thoughts, same conflicts- within.
The repeated disappointments and growing frustration wore me down until I gave up on making “progress”.
And then something changed in my attitude: I became genuinely motivated by learning from every (what felt like) regression: learning something new about my brain/ my story.
I carried that learning from one day to the next, building on what I learned the day before, and over time, I felt better and better on a regular basis.
I suppose I stopped caring so much about making progress and dedicated my mind and heart to just this one thing: learning the deeper and deeper levels of my psyche (little by little).
The obsessive thinking (OCD from an early age) changed, lessened immensely ( I no longer fit the diagnosis), and so did my depression ( no longer depressed). Chronic shame and guilt eased greatly.
Unlike you, I didn’t second guess my decisions- not because I was confident in my decisions- but because I didn’t make decisions. At least not actively. Instead, I had let others and circumstances decide for me. I had no trust and no practice in actively, or directly choosing.
You are in much better shape, Mollie, than I have been. No way was I able to graduate law school and pass the bar with distinction 👏
You may be second- guessing your decisions, but you are making them 👍
“Do you ever feel the same?”- I know I never really feel the same as I used to. I feel so much lighter, way, way less troubled.
I would like to read back from you soon 💛
🌿🌿🌿 Anita
anitaParticipantHi Mollie 🕊️✨
It makes sense that your anxiety is flaring right now — big transitions, even positive ones (passing the bar with distinction, starting a new job), can stir up old patterns. When life changes, the brain gets stressed, and under stress it goes back to old habits.
When the brain is tired or overwhelmed, it doesn’t have the strength to stay in “new, healthy patterns.” So, it slips back into the older anxiety habits — like overthinking, doubting decisions, or needing certainty. It starts chasing certainty because it thinks certainty will make the anxiety go down.
The second‑guessing, checking, re‑thinking, and “needing to know” are all attempts to calm discomfort by finding the “right” answer. The brain’s logic in second guessing is something like: “if I keep questioning, maybe I’ll find the right answer and the anxiety will stop.”.
I’ll write more later this evening ❤️🩹
Anita
anitaParticipant* A girl…
anitaParticipantHey 💃 Confused:
Why a dancing woman emoji? I will explain in a minute.
“As if I have a judge in my head”- telling you that you didn’t laugh enough.
Two evenings ago (still daylight, as it does’nt get dark here before 10 pm), I was at a public park, a huge park, where a band was playing danceable 🎶🎵🎶.
There were maybe 1500 people, adults and children, sitting on lawn chairs in front of and around the stage, and maybe a hundred (all adults) sitting in the limited area, far above the stage where alcohol was sold (toooo expensive, which made me mad), and people were allowed to sit an drink beer or wine.
Of the 1500 people of so, how many people had that judge in their heads that told them it’d be too embarrassing to dance in front of 1500 people in broad daylight?
As many as 1497. 3 people eventually danced.
I wanted to dance but my internal judge told me I ‘ll look ridiculous and people will make fun of me.
Two expensive plastic cups of red wine, I walked down to the area in front of the band, took my sandals off, and my jeans jacket, and I danced 💃 (no red dress though).
One woman joined the dancing after that ( total of 5 adults dancing out of 1500, while 1495 people were watching). The girl approached me, looking up to me. For daring to dance so joyfully.
My point, that internal judge is a party pooper.
Isn’t he/ she?
👵💃🐔 Anita
anitaParticipantDear Nichole:
I read through our communication since Aug 2018, almost 8 years ago! I read through my once-in-a-while studies, quoting what you shared over the months and years, and analyzing the quotes. I am not doing it this time. (I will end this post with quoting you but will not analyze or interpret your words. You are perfectly capable of doing that yourself if you so choose 🙂)
What I noticed today, rereading your words over the years, is how honest and genuine you’ve been all along: not pretending to feel what you didn’t, not pretending to be who you weren’t. Not performative. And I admire this about you!
Also, you were continuously kind and gracious to me, never aggressive or passive-aggressive, not even once, and I greatly appreciate this about you, thank you, Nichole 🙏
On July 21, 2020, exactly 6 years ago, you wrote to another member: “I want nothing more to heal and bring nothing but love and light to others.”, and to me, you wrote on the same day: “I have no choice but to make it in this world as an abused adult. I have my good days that I make through more than just surviving and I’m so grateful for those days, and days like today where I struggle hard and feel victimized all over. I truly struggle with a victim mentality, and it does not benefit me, but my anxiety really takes over and I feel trapped. And stuck in life.”
What do you think about the above quotes, 6 years later?
🌿 Anita
anitaParticipantHi Nichole:
Ha- ha, the lack of sleep, humidity, fire smoke from Canada… and that’s all it took for me to miscalculate: it was a bit after 11 pm your time when I submitted the above. Now it’s after midnight.
I’ll B Back 2 U in the morning.
🌿 Anita
anitaParticipantHey 👋 Confused:
Seems to me that the two of you have so much in common. I just wish the two of you use this commonality to help each other.
Yes, I came across the term Anticipatory Grief only recently. I think it was in communication with you!
It’s nice you sent her flowers and that she genuinely appreciated it. It just crossed my mind that she too is the bee’s knees 🙂
In 20 days (her visit), it’d be 30 days since you stopped the med. I think no side effects will be evident by that time, especially since you weren’t on it for long.
Does she take meds for her anxiety and panic attacks?
🌴 Anita
anitaParticipant3 hours ahead of you, 8:05 here
anitaParticipantOh, my goodness, I am having my first 🍷 of the evening myself. But I’m 3 hours behind you, so it won’t be just the one.
It’s been too warm and humid today (and to be hot tomorrow, in the 90s) difficult for me and for Bogart. He’s sleeping on his dog bed right now.
Also, I was up too early, tired all day and noticed I was feeling something I didn’t feel for a long time. Later I figured what that feeling was: depression. I used to feel like that so much of the time. Now it’s so rare I forgot what the feeling was.
I hope that this will happen to you too 👍
I am guessing you’re asleep right now (just after midnight). Are you?
🍷 Anita
anitaParticipantGerard: Dec 8, 2025 is the last time you posted. I wonder how you’re doing, 7 months and 11 days later?
I am bringing this thread up because sometime in Dec 2025 was the last time I danced. It was at the Winery (now closed forevermore). It was under the pavilion, under the night sky, after I had enough red wine to lower inhibitions.
It was free- style, moving any which way the spirit called, hands and arms up in the air, moving to the rhythm.
Fast forward, tonight, July 19, 2026, 7 months later, there was a concert downtown by the river. Lots of people were there, and dancing in front of so many, being 1 of only 3 people who dared to dance, was at first intimidating.
That’s why I needed a 2nd glass of wine
I walked down to the dancing area (only 2, and later 1 more people were dancing) and like them, I took off my sandals, and danced on the green grass.
A little girl came up to me, looking up to me, admiring my dancing and wanted to be part of it. I included her best I could.
I moved to the music, a legend in my own mind (and perhaps in the little girl’s mind). DARING to dance in front of so many people.
Usually self-conscious, controlled, I let go and just moved-2-the-music. It was wonderful.
There are a few more of these events scheduled this summer and I want to be a dancing- part-of it. It makes Life Worth Living.
🥳 🎶 💃 🍷 💃 🎵 Anita
anitaParticipantI wanted to add, Tom, that I admire your resilience, how you withstand difficult times at work and at home and courageously, you are moving on toward easoer, better times 👏🌿
Anita
anitaParticipantHi Tom:
I am sorry to read about the miscarriage.
No worries about the silence here. Anytime you post here is appreciated 🙏
I hope the small Euro trip gives you and your partner some joy.
I wish the 3 weeks leading to the trip were less of a battle.
🌿 Anita
anitaParticipantHow are you, Sisi?
anitaParticipantDear Eva:
I am sorry you had such a disheartening experience with your co- worker. His behavior was offensive, it would offend anyone 😔
I was wondering: the 2nd ex you shared about was in the same friend group as your first (the reason, he said, why he kept you a secret).
The coworker you shared about most recently is also in a group of coworkers, a group that includes you.
As part of group dynamics, people talk about each other, forming impressions through stories shared (gossip).
Do you think this is part of what’s been going on?
🤔 Anita
anitaParticipantHey Dear Confused 🙂
It’s healthy to take breaks from the forums and pace yourself👍
I hear how confusing these shifts in feeling are for you, and it makes sense that depression can affect how things show up. Take your breaks as you need them. I’m always glad to read from you whenever you choose to post.
🌿 Anita
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