Good Sunday Morning, Confused 🙂

I’m using my phone, scrolling up and down, so I’ll start at the end of your message.

“Videocall was great, I felt jealous… in my whole body, but still now I can’t feel excitement to message her and stuff… 11 hours went by so fast during videocall.”-

It’s how the body normally/ naturally works: it doesn’t stay excited all the time and forevermore. It’s totally normal that after 11 hours of excitement, the body would take a break.

And yes, it makes sense that videocalling is more exciting than texting because of the visual factor.

Wow, Confused, 11 hours of “a great time overall”, laughing and having an honest conversation- that’s powerful! I’m glad both of you had this time together!

..I felt sad reading that every time you narrated a story with an ex, she felt like you were “twisting a knife in a wound”. I hope this imagery is strong enough to stop any future impulsive (ADHD like) story telling that involves an ex.

* If that’s too difficult or impossible for you.. better not tell stories in regard to your past at all. What thinks Confused?

“I expressed my own needs/ issues about her being more expressive”-

Excellent job, Confused 👍 And I’m glad you expressed to her that being interrogated is not working for you (I hope she doesn’t do that again).

* My last message to you was about what’s underneath the habit of a person not expressing themselves (fear- based passivity and childhood conditioning). It may shed some light on how difficult it is to release the fear underneath the passivity. There are ways to work on this conditioning.

“I told her to stop being so afraid of everything and stop making negative scenarios…”-

Although she can’t stop the fear and the beginnings of scenarios forming in her head, she probably can learn to Notice the beginning scenarios and Challenge them (there are CBT workbooks that help to challenge thoughts/ scenarios).

“In the end I asked her how she feels about us and she said: ‘The problem is, I still want you 150% but I’m scared”-

On one hand, her answer makes me go: ohhh, how honest, how human (fear existing alongside want/ love) ✨️✨️✨️

On the other hand, it’s a problem that her answer starts with the word “problem”. She’s basically saying that wanting you is a problem for her.

* If she wants you 150%, what are the percentages of her fear over time? Sometimes more than the wanting (and she becomes cold and withdraws), at other times less than the wanting, and she’s a delight to talk with..?

🤔 Anita

Edit: the exact saying is “a ship without a helm”, definitely not a sheep 😁

Hi again, SereneWolf:

It’s okay if you don’t feel like answering my 2 questions from my first reply, or if you’re not in the mood for answering any questions at all 🙂

I’d like to share with you my own experience with starting a new chapter, while re-experiencing the same old, same old uncertainties.

Every time I decided on starting a new chapter ( starting as a teenager), I believed that it was possible for me to get rid of the feelings that kept me stuck in the old chapter.

Believing that felt euphoric for a while, but the old feelings returned and I found myself back in the old chapter, more and more discouraged 😔

What finally made it possible for me to move on to a new chapter has been to comit myself not to (impossible) erfection but to (possible) learning.

The last 3 words in your original post are “trust in myself.”-

I used to be consumed with self- doubt (old chapter). But not anymore.

Every single day I repeat the same words (a mantra, I think it is), the ending of it says exactly this:

“I redirect self- doubt and distrust in my own perceptions, evaluations, emotions and worth=> to trust in my own perceptions, evaluations, emotions and worth-

“Not because I’m perfect or could ever be, but because I’m learning.”

If any of this speaks to you, please let me know.

🌿 Anita

One more thing, SereneWolf:

I want to say that I see you’re starting fresh, and I respect that. Sometimes clearing the slate makes it easier to hear yourself without all the old noise.

I’m glad you’re here.

Anita

Continued:

Hmm.. maybe she thinks that a man should pursue the woman and pay for everything?

Maybe she feels ‘unloved’ if she has to spend money in a relationship.

What do U think?

(Trying to understand what drives.. or stalls her).

🤔 Anita

Good late morning, about-to-become-mom, Nea 🙂

“I’m realizing how difficult it has become for me to be extending empathy for someone who has never really changed”-

A few years ago, and I shared about it somewhere in these forums, I had an image of a plant situated in a dry, arid ground, so its roots keep growing longer and longer, trying to reach water.

Similar to a child, situated in an empathy-arid home, extending more and more empathy toward the unempathetic parent, trying to reach his or her heart.

💛 Anita

Back to the quote above, “With family you can yell, swear, or behave however you want.”-

Before continuing the quote, look at what he said right above:

He’s celebrating his freedom to yell, swear and behave however he wants with family, with immediate family: wife and children.. those living “under his roof”.

Continued: “Whereas you have to control yourself with outsiders”-

He doesn’t like not having the freedom to yell, swear and behave however he wants with outsiders.

I suppose his immediate/ living-under-his-roof family provides him with something he can’t get elsewhere and he’s grateful for that.

He’s almost saying: ‘You’re providing me with the opportunity to do what I need to do: yell, swear, and behave however I want, thank you!’

And if he is to consider your husband as an insider, as an immediate family member (rather than extended family member or a non- family outsider), your husband too needs to provide your father with that precious opportunity to yell, swear, and behave however he wants.

Not at all times, only when he needs to.

Does this resonate?

🤔 Anita