Hey.. Confused:

I see how much you’re hurting, and it makes me 🙁

“But that still doesn’t make sense because when u lose feelings for someone u are relieved to break up… If I had lost feelings, I wouldn’t feel anything… I wouldn’t be crying my guts out for months on end”-

If you permanently lost feelings, it’d make sense that you’d be relieved to break up, would never feel anything for her and wouldn’t cry your guts out for months on end.

But you only temporarily lost feelings.

“And it felt so amazing when I was holding her/kissing her in December”-

There were amazing moments during the visit, but on the whole, it was not an amazing visit. There were lots of doubts, distance and disconnection on both sides.

This is what you said about the visit back on Dec 21:

“The visit went okay, it was our first time meeting, I stayed for 3 days, and she knew what was happening inside my head, so she was also distant/disconnected… I liked her in person and my body responded very well to us kissing and cuddling (even tho my mind was constantly doubting everything). Took her a lot of time opening up and even touching me tho. The first 2 days she was keeping her distance which I respected (because she needs to develop a sense of trust and security before getting intimate, especially after I planted many doubts in her head).”

Back to today: “Idk anita, is it 50%? This girl truly loved me… It hurts so much when u push a good person away.”- you place her love on a pedestal, seeing it as perfect at all times (100%)?”-

I think that the 2 of U are good people and neither one of you is perfect (100%). (I would like to think of myself in the same way).

“It’s so hard every day without her, I wake up hoping I’ll get a message or something. She’s always in my mind no matter what I’m doing, and I still feel like sharing my every day with her… I doubt life will get any better for me anytime soon 🙁”-

I think that one way for life to feel better for you is to let go of the ideas that (1) what you lost was perfect love, on either side, and that (2) you carry the sole responsibility for the breakup.

I would like to read from you anytime you feel like talking to me.

🌿 Anita

Hey Confused: I just noticed your sarcasm (or is it irony, I confuse the two) in your “and look at me now, how well I did 🙂”-

Confused is taking more responsibility than what belongs to you. How about 50% instead of 100%?

Not going anywhere with this, was hoping you go somewhere with this..

She meant everything to you before Nov? Maybe not?

Hi again, Nea:

I want to clarify what I meant when I wrote that my mother’s affection was tied to my compliance.

I didn’t mean that she wanted me to comply to behaving in ways that are respectful to other people/ to my elders, or to obeying instructions such as help with cleaning the home and such.

I mean she wanted me to submit to her power for no other reason than that it made her feel better to exert power over me and see me controlled, subdued and self-erasing.

It made her feel temporarily powerful ( and that felt good!). I say temporarily, because she needed to assert her power- at my expense- again and again.

So, her love for me, in practice, was love for how my submission and self-erasure made her feel.

I can share more, but I don’t want to maybe overwhelm you. I shared what I did so to explain the “how and why” behind my mother’s behavior,

Thinking that maybe it might help you just a bit in the struggle you mentioned: “Another part of me is still struggling to truly understand the why and how behind (your father’s behaviours)”.

I understand, of course, that your father and my mother are not the same person and that my childhood experience is not the same as yours. Yet certain patterns and human motivation are quite the same across the world from the beginning of times.

🌿 Anita

Good Monday morning, Confused 🙂

Yes, your motivation changed since Nov, your doubts and shutdowns started then, as well as a general loss of pleasure. It happened before your irl visit with her on Dec.

Fast forward 8 months, and she experienced something similar this July- Aug, before the scheduled Aug irl visit with you, which would have been the 2nd visit.

Do you agree with what I wrote above?

🤔 Anita

Hey 🙂Confused:

Good.. good to read from you this Sun night (here), and to see another “haha”, whether genuine or ironic. Will B back 2 U in the morning.

😴💤🌙💤 Anita

Hi Girija 🙂

“Pain has a way of removing layers of pretense”- unless you quoted someone else’s words here (like something you read in an article or in a book), these are Impressively, Uniquely- Girija’s (IUG 🙂) words.

Profound IUG words, really. So much there.

I am trying to think of my pretenses, not to deceive, but to protect myself.. I pretended to have no prefernces so to not invite my mother’s criticism or inconvenience. I still say (to whomever asks me for my preference): ‘Whatever you choose”.

What are your pretenses, or just one pretense, Girija?

“To embody who I am fully”- a Shakespearian quote comes to mind, “To thine own self be true.

‘And it follows like day follows night (I’m sure I’m paraphrasing a bit) thou shall be true to any man (or woman)’

Which brings me to the married co- worker. Was he genuine/ true to himself and to you.. and to the other woman, and to his wife.. an emotionally-polyamorous guy?

Things can be so complicated.

Actually, I experienced it myself, feeling genuinely emotipnally close to a few guys in close succession (not physically, mind you).

Like a child playing in the playground, not playing with just one chosen other child.

Moving from the phone to the computer…Will reply again.

💃 Anita

Oh, Dear just-a-pup Confused 🙂

“Just a pup” means you’re still very young at 32 (It’s a saying, like “the bee’s knees”, another saying that fits you ✔️)

You indeed connected with her so deeply, but remember: it happened almost entirely in the context of the relative emotional safety that a LDR affords.

There’s a fantasy element involved when you don’t have to actually live with another person, or be with them in- person, day in and day out.

Maybe she was a perfect LDR partner. Until she wasn’t 😔

🌿 Anita