Hey 👋 Confused:

By that unclear sentence I meant that emotional shutdowns don’t fuction perfectly, that’s how you felt (or may still feel) indifferent about her, yet at any time you can feel intense jealousy about her, or intense sadness, and cry.

To B continued in a moment.

Hi Annie 🙂

Truly, I am glad to read back from you!

I’m using my phone, scrolling up to re-read your original post and down, to quote what you said and the thoughts or feelings your words bring for me.

You wrote about your family, “mine had a LOT of trauma”- same with mine.

You wrote, “lack of family”- A lack of safety and predictability. This is what I grew up with (or more precisely, how I grew in, as in inward, isolated within and without).

“As if I’m unseen, unheard, by anyone, like I don’t even exist, in a way.”-

I never read anyone say something so true to the way I grew- inward.

“I just want to be at peace with my emotions”-

That’s huge for me. Part of a mantra I repeat every day is: “I radically accept my emotions.” meaning, I don’t judge myself for feeling whatever I’m feeling at any time. Nor do I judge anyone else for whatever they’re feeling.

Because in every emotion there’s a valid, positive message meant to help me and others (as an individual and a social being) to survive and even thrive. The message gets lost sometimes, that’s all.

I suppose harmful action is often based on the valid message getting lost in translation 😔

What do you think, Annie?

🤔 Anita

Hi again, Nea 😊

Still thrilled!

“I’ve been in such a warm little bubble with my baby that I honestly don’t have much capacity to carry that situation right now”-

I hope you stay in that warm little bubble for a long while longer, and therefore I don’t want to say too much about “that situation” at the moment.

I would say, in regard to “he and my husband didn’t speak to each other. We were all in the same room, and nothing happened”-

A softening in your father’s heart did not happen as a result of being in the same room with his new graddaughter, for the very first time.

A softening that could have made it possible for him to say something pleasant to your husband with the intention of making it more pleasant for the new mom who had just given birth for the first time.

Some hearts close permanently 😔

I am well, thank you for asking. I danced 💃 to outdoors live music on Thursday aternoon-evening and on Sunday evening.

I just remembered that a very pleasant woman on the dance floor said something nice to me about my dancing. She looked and sounded South Asian and.. it made me think of you, Nea- for a moment, right there on the dance floor 🙂

💃 ✨️ 🌿 Anita

I miss you already, Nea (thinking you might not poste again).

Anita

Hey 👋 Confused:

“When she mentioned someone hitting on her, I felt my whole body tightening and heat rising”-

Wait, wait.. perhaps she shouldn’t mention guys hitting on her, similar to you not mentioning your exes.. so that you don’t feel “body tightening and hear rising”, and she doesn’t feel “twisting a knife in a wound”.

Yes, I figure you can do a relationship while at times numb, shut down or dissociated. You can accept those no-feeling times and move through them.

There’s a dynamic that’s not at all uncommon for people who on one hand need love, and on the other hand, are afraid that the other person’s love will turn around and bite/ hurt them.

So, they stop feeling to protect themselves.

Do you think this dynamic applies to you?

🤔 Anita

Hey Dear Confused 🙂

Yes, I think it’s black and white thinking, like your therapist said.

No one in the whole wide-wild world feels excited about another person (or about anything) all of the time.

Even in the beginning- you weren’t excited about her when asleep (at least not when you weren’t dreaming about her, ha- ha), or when you were thinking about something else and momentarily forgett about her, etc. Just like anyone else.

The difference is that you started checking and monitoring your feelings and thinking that normal is “weird” (the word you often used in regard to your feelings).

The feeling of faking it- I remember feeling that same thing. It was dissociation in my case, like I left my body and was looking at myself and others from outside of me, disconnected.

I’m glad to read that it’s not impossible or even difficult for you to no longer mention ex-es to her 👍

I hope that she gives CBT a try. It made a big difference in my life!

Oh, she didn’t mean it like that. Well, she definitely expressed strong feelings for you.

“It feels like my romantic ‘compass’ is broken, or something like that.”-

I figure the something-like-that is not just the normal fluctuation of feelings but also the shutdowns/ emotional dissociation we talked about many times.

🌿 Anita

Good Sunday Morning, Confused 🙂

I’m using my phone, scrolling up and down, so I’ll start at the end of your message.

“Videocall was great, I felt jealous… in my whole body, but still now I can’t feel excitement to message her and stuff… 11 hours went by so fast during videocall.”-

It’s how the body normally/ naturally works: it doesn’t stay excited all the time and forevermore. It’s totally normal that after 11 hours of excitement, the body would take a break.

And yes, it makes sense that videocalling is more exciting than texting because of the visual factor.

Wow, Confused, 11 hours of “a great time overall”, laughing and having an honest conversation- that’s powerful! I’m glad both of you had this time together!

..I felt sad reading that every time you narrated a story with an ex, she felt like you were “twisting a knife in a wound”. I hope this imagery is strong enough to stop any future impulsive (ADHD like) story telling that involves an ex.

* If that’s too difficult or impossible for you.. better not tell stories in regard to your past at all. What thinks Confused?

“I expressed my own needs/ issues about her being more expressive”-

Excellent job, Confused 👍 And I’m glad you expressed to her that being interrogated is not working for you (I hope she doesn’t do that again).

* My last message to you was about what’s underneath the habit of a person not expressing themselves (fear- based passivity and childhood conditioning). It may shed some light on how difficult it is to release the fear underneath the passivity. There are ways to work on this conditioning.

“I told her to stop being so afraid of everything and stop making negative scenarios…”-

Although she can’t stop the fear and the beginnings of scenarios forming in her head, she probably can learn to Notice the beginning scenarios and Challenge them (there are CBT workbooks that help to challenge thoughts/ scenarios).

“In the end I asked her how she feels about us and she said: ‘The problem is, I still want you 150% but I’m scared”-

On one hand, her answer makes me go: ohhh, how honest, how human (fear existing alongside want/ love) ✨️✨️✨️

On the other hand, it’s a problem that her answer starts with the word “problem”. She’s basically saying that wanting you is a problem for her.

* If she wants you 150%, what are the percentages of her fear over time? Sometimes more than the wanting (and she becomes cold and withdraws), at other times less than the wanting, and she’s a delight to talk with..?

🤔 Anita

Edit: the exact saying is “a ship without a helm”, definitely not a sheep 😁