Well, Nea, I lost that long unfinished message when I closed that window by mistake, then started a new message from scratch, but didn’t quie complete it before I had to get off the computer. Now, I’m using my phone and won’t have access to the computer- and to that message- for a couple of hours.

One reason each message has taken me so much time to put together is because this is a personal topic for me, I don’t want to say too much, and I don’t want to project my mother into your father and get carried away.

I’d like to tell you right now, in simple, spontaneous words, what I’m thinking- before getting back to the computer:

Your father and my mother grew up on different continents, speak different languages, are of different genders and financial status, and are, I’m guessing, about 25 years apart. Yet, they are similar in these ways:

They’re about dominance, not love. At least, not the kind of love that has space for those 2 magical words you used: “basic respect”.

They’re about having power-over, not the win-win kind of love.

For them to win, the “opponent” needs to lose.

And who is one of their opponents? Their own child (of any age), sooner or later.

Maybe if you perfectly obey them all the time and never, ever challenge them (as in expressing any thought or emotion that rubs them the wrong way).. wait, that’s impossible..

So, no: there’s no ‘maybe’. You’re the opponent, in my case, sooner than later.

In both the case of your father and my mother, it’s not a temporary kind of behavior, such as at a time of unusual circumstances. It’s decades- long, persistent pattern that’s very unlikely to change.

It’s not that they’re malicious, cold hearted manipulators who’se aim is to hurt those closest to them, dependent on them. It’s just that by impact, that’s exactly what they do.

And they won’t stop or change no matter what you say or do because they know no other way to be.

It’s like they only know Win or Lose, Strong or Weak. They don’t know collabaration, working together.

B Back 2 U later.

Anita

Hey Dear Confused:

It makes me smile to see your 🙂and to think that maybe you’re smiling, even if it is for a short moment.

I hear how torn you are — part of you still loves the version of her who made you feel safe, understood, and ‘at home,’ and another part of you is angry at how things ended.

It makes sense that you’re holding onto the magical moments. Those were real for you. But the fantasy was that those moments meant the relationship was solid and secure. The reality is that she also brought doubts, interrogations, and mistrust — and those parts were just as real as the good ones.

People reconnect only when both sides grow. You can’t do that alone. You can only work with your own feelings. And letting go of resentment doesn’t mean pretending she didn’t hurt you — it means accepting that the person you miss is the version of her from the beginning, not the one who showed up at the end.

You’re grieving both the relationship and the dream you built around it. That’s why it feels so heavy.

I’m here with you as you sort through all of this, Confused.

* This very morning, an article from Psych Central about breakups showed up in my inbox, and I thought it might help you. It’s titled: “What Does it Mean to Get Closure in a Relationship?”:

“Relationships sometimes end whether we want them to or not, and it’s often a painful experience. You might feel confused about the complex feelings and situation, especially if you don’t have closure.

“When you get closure in a relationship, you can release negative emotions and focus on healing and growth.

“Closure in a relationship means you understand the situation better and accept how it turned out, giving you a sense of peace as you move forward. Studies show that those who gain understanding experience less inner turmoil during and after the breakup.

“’Closure might vary from person to person. However, closure ultimately is an understanding and acceptance that a relationship has ended and often includes a rationale for why it ended,’ explains Dr. Beth Ribarsky, professor of interpersonal communication with expertise in romantic relationships…

“Closure allows you to better understand what happened between you and your partner. The absence of lingering questions or doubts can help you move on after a breakup.

“Some examples of closure include getting answers to your questions, understanding why it happened, accepting the situation, being able to go extended time without thinking of the other person, learning from the situation and experiencing self-growth…

“It’s OK to be angry… Sometimes, it’s hard to release negative feelings about the end of the relationship. These feelings could be toward yourself or the other person. Either way, it can prevent you from finding closure and peace. Consider forgiving everyone involved to release any toxicity holding you back.

“You don’t have to go through things alone, and turning to your support system shows that you’re strong enough to move forward. Your trusted friends and loved ones want to help you, and you’ll feel better when you do…

“If you aren’t sure if you’ve found closure yet, you can look for signs that you haven’t, including the following: being unable to stop thinking about it, not understanding how or why things ended, repeatedly checking their social media, questioning your worth, having trouble sleeping, feeling angry or resentful, feeling like it’s not truly the end of the relationship, not being able to complete tasks, continuing to reach out to the person…”

What thinks Confused?

🤔 Anita

Edit: And I hoped

Hi Girija:

“I will never understand this disproportionate distribution of misery among humans”- okay, really, I am bamboozled (my favorite word) by your cognitive- literary genius.

I mean, you have the bee’s knees way of saying things.

It’s late here and guess who is a bit tipsy. I’ll be back to you in the morning.

Anita

Hey Dear Confused:

I hear your pain 🙁

I think she represented a kind of love you’ve been longing for your whole life — something you hoped would finally feel safe and complete. And the intensity you felt was real, even if the relationship itself wasn’t fully lived or stable yet.

You weren’t ready to commit to a forever life together; you were willing to try a month and see how it felt. That’s okay — it just means the connection was still forming, not finished.

Something about her, and about the distance of the LDR, created very strong feelings inside you. Those feelings were real.

How are you now?

Anita

Hey Confused: I’ll get back 2 U in a couple of hours or so.

Hi Nea:

I read your message slowly, one part at a time, because I wanted to stay close to what you were actually saying.

When people focus on what your husband “should have done differently,” it often comes from a place of trying to manage the aggressor instead of looking at the disproportionate reaction itself. You’re right — the escalation wasn’t about the small thing it started with, and reducing everything to your husband’s behavior doesn’t capture the full picture.

About asking him to say hi “to keep the peace”: I understand why you hoped that might help, but I also understand why you changed your mind. When someone is still angry, self‑righteous, and showing hostility — like the faces you noticed — asking your husband to extend himself again puts the weight on him, not on your dad. You saw that clearly, and your question — “what exactly am I asking my husband to do?” — shows a lot of insight.

If your husband is choosing not to engage because he wants peace, and your dad is continuing the hostility, then you’re right: it isn’t fair or sustainable for your husband to be the only one trying. You’re thinking about the future realistically — gatherings, holidays, the baby — and you’re already recognizing that you can’t build a life where your husband is excluded or expected to absorb disrespect.

About my mother — I mentioned earlier that she repeatedly reached out to hit me. One incident stays with me (and I told you about it): I was in my early or mid‑20s, and even though we were only a few feet apart, she ran toward me to strike me. Before that moment, for years, my reaction had always been the same: silence, looking down, staying small. She even said once, while hitting me, “The only thing I like about you is that you say nothing back and look at the floor.” That pattern went on for a long time.

And then, there was that one time when I finally blocked her from moving toward me. It didn’t feel like a victory — it felt strange and disappointing, because I suddenly realized how easily I could have stopped her all along. That moment changed how I understood fear, compliance, and the way some people maintain control. Some people do become physically dangerous in rage — we see that in the news — but far more often, people rely on the threat of violence, the atmosphere of intimidation, to keep others small.

I’m sharing this only because you said you’re trying to understand the “why and how” behind your father’s behavior. Your situation is your own, and your father is his own person — but sometimes seeing another example helps clarify the structure of a pattern.

I’m here, and I’ll share more if and when it feels useful to you.

🌿 Anita

Hi Nea:

It makes me happy (I’m smiling now) to read that what I shared helped you think through, and truly, I have no problem at all with revisiting my past and sharing more. I will do so tomorrow morning (it’s getting close to midnight here).

“I don’t think it’s fair for me to keep asking my husband to be the one extending himself.”- I fully agree.

I’ll write more tomorrow.

🌿 Anita