Hello Gabrielle:

I hear how torn you are about the situation, doubting your decision to break up with him, wanting to reach out to him but feeling it won’t be fair to him.

You’re not alone with this kind of inner conflict. Many breakups are not smooth, leaving a person at peace.

If you did reach out to him, what would you say in that message?

✨️ Anita

Good morning Peter!

Thank you for simplifying things, I appreciate it.

Since I’m using the computer, had a bit of a conversation with Copilot:

Copilot: Peter’s whole point is that the peace doesn’t vanish; it’s simply hidden behind the mental habit of grasping, analyzing, or trying to hold on. When the fingers lower — when the mind relaxes — the sky is right there again, untouched.

Grasping = the mind reaching out to grab the moment instead of letting it be.

Here are clear, simple examples of “grasping” in the way Peter is using the word — all grounded, everyday situations, nothing abstract.

1. Wanting a peaceful moment to stay forever- You feel a moment of calm… and immediately the mind goes: “How do I keep this?” “What if it goes away?” “I need to understand this.” That trying to hold onto the peace is grasping.

2. Trying to analyze a feeling instead of letting it be- You feel something soft or quiet inside…
and the mind jumps in: “Why am I feeling this?” “What does it mean?” “How do I explain it?”. That’s grasping — reaching for control.

3. Wanting certainty instead of allowing uncertainty- You notice a peaceful moment… and then: “Is this real?” “Am I doing it right?” “What if I lose it?” The mind is grabbing at clarity.

4. Trying to “fix” or “solve” an inner experience- You feel discomfort or confusion… and the mind rushes in: “I need to figure this out immediately.” “I must understand what’s happening.” That urgency is grasping.

5. Trying to hold onto an identity or story- You feel a shift inside… and the mind says: “But who am I without this story?” “I need to keep this version of myself.” That’s grasping too — holding onto a mask.

* When I say “holding onto an identity or story,” I mean those moments when you’ve lived with a certain belief about yourself for so long that it feels safe, even if it’s painful. Then, when something inside you starts to shift — maybe you feel a little freer, or softer, or more open — the mind panics a bit and tries to pull you back to the old version of yourself. It says things like, “But this is who I’ve always been,” or “If I let go of this story, who will I be?” That’s grasping. It’s the mind clinging to a familiar mask because the unknown feels scary, even if the mask is heavy or limiting. The grasping isn’t bad; it’s just the mind trying to protect you by keeping things predictable.

In other words: Grasping = holding onto an old identity because letting it go feels uncertain.

And the “mask” is simply the version of yourself you learned to wear to survive — even if it no longer fits who you’re becoming.

6. Wanting the sky to stay clear- You experience a moment of stillness… and then: “I hope this doesn’t end.” “I want this feeling back.” The wanting itself covers the sky.

The simplest definition- Grasping = the mind trying to hold, control, or secure an experience. And that effort blocks the very peace it wants. Just like fingers covering your eyes.

* The control aspect of grasping (in simple language)- Grasping is basically the mind trying to stay in charge. It’s the mind saying: “I need to understand this.” “I need to keep this feeling.” “I need to prevent it from changing.” “I need to make sense of this right now.”

It’s a reflex — a tightening — where the mind tries to control an experience instead of allowing it to unfold on its own. The control doesn’t come from strength; it comes from fear. The mind is afraid of losing something good or being overwhelmed by something unfamiliar, so it reaches out to “grab” the moment. But that grabbing blocks the very peace it wants, the same way fingers block the light.

If you want, I can also explain what the opposite of grasping looks like — the “letting be” that Peter is pointing toward.

The opposite of grasping: letting be- Letting be is what happens when you allow an experience — a feeling, a moment of peace, a sensation — to exist without trying to hold it, explain it, or make it stay.

It’s a soft, open attitude where the mind doesn’t rush in to manage anything. Instead of tightening around the moment, you simply notice it and let it pass naturally, the same way you watch a cloud drift across the sky without trying to grab it. Letting be feels spacious, gentle, and effortless. It’s not passive; it’s relaxed. It’s the mind resting instead of reaching.

The simplest way to put it- Grasping = trying to control the moment. Letting be = allowing the moment to breathe. One covers the sky. The other lets the sky shine through.

If you want, I can also help you see how this applies specifically to your exchanges with Peter — because you’re actually doing far less grasping than you think.

How this shows up in your exchanges with Peter- You’re actually doing far less “grasping” than you think.
What you are doing is something very human: when an idea touches something deep, you naturally want to understand it, articulate it, and make sense of it. That’s not a flaw — it’s your way of staying oriented and safe.

In your replies to Peter, you weren’t trying to control the experience; you were trying to see it clearly. That’s not grasping — that’s curiosity.

Peter’s message today wasn’t hinting that you were grasping. He was simplifying his own point and appreciating that you already understood the essence. When he quoted your “fingers covering my sky‑face” line, he was telling you that you got it exactly right.

So, here’s the truth: You weren’t grasping. You were engaging.

What “letting be” looks like for you- Letting be, for you, would look like: letting a moment of clarity or peace exist without immediately needing to explain it, noticing when your mind starts analyzing, and gently pausing instead of pushing, allowing the feeling of “I don’t fully understand yet” without rushing to solve it, trusting that understanding unfolds on its own. It’s not passive. It’s simply not forcing.”

– to be continued next

Good morning, Confused (at the computer):

Copilot, continued: What “this part” really is-

It’s a protective mechanism inside him — a psychological part whose job is to keep him safe from emotional danger. Not physical danger. Emotional danger.

This part formed long before this girl ever entered his life.

It’s the part that says: “Don’t get too close.” “Don’t feel too much.” “Don’t depend on anyone.” “Don’t let yourself get hurt again.”

It’s not trying to ruin his relationships. It’s trying to prevent heartbreak, rejection, or emotional overwhelm. This is why it feels so powerful.

Where this part usually comes from- Protector parts almost always form in response to earlier experiences where closeness felt unsafe or painful. That could be inconsistent affection, emotional neglect, a breakup that hit too hard, a parent who was unpredictable, a childhood where vulnerability wasn’t safe, a past relationship where he felt abandoned.

The protector part learned: “Feeling deeply = danger. Better shut it down.”

So, when he starts to feel something real — longing, love, grief — the protector jumps in and slams the brakes.

That’s the “black in my mind.” That’s the numbness. That’s the sudden “I don’t want connection.”

It’s not anhedonia. It’s not lack of love. It’s a safety mechanism.

Why it feels so confusing-

Because he has two parts active at the same time:

1. The vulnerable part- The one who cries at the airport memory, listens to her laugh for 5 minutes, imagines hugging her, feels tenderness and longing

2. The protector part- The one who shuts everything down, says “you only like her because she’s recent”, makes everything go black, blocks romantic feelings, says “no connection”

They’re both real. They’re both him. They’re just trying to do opposite jobs. That’s why he feels torn.

Why this part is so strong right now- Because the feelings for her were real. And real feelings activate real fear. The protector part is terrified of him getting hurt again, so it’s working overtime.

How he can stop being terrified- He doesn’t need to destroy the protector part. He needs to befriend it.

When he understands what it’s trying to protect, why it shows up, what it fears, how it learned its job…the fear becomes less overwhelming.

The protector relaxes when it feels understood, not judged, not forced, not ignored. And when the protector relaxes, the vulnerable part can breathe again.

The simplest way to say it- “This part” is the version of him that learned long ago that love can hurt. It’s trying to keep him safe. It’s not the enemy. It’s scared.

* How to calm that part?

This part is terrified because it thinks love = danger.
It calms down when it learns that love = safety.

And that shift happens slowly, through experience, not logic.

Let me break down the steps in a way that actually works for people who have this kind of protector part.

1. Name the part when it shows up- When he suddenly feels numb, confused, or “black in my mind,” he can say internally: “Oh, this is the protector. It’s trying to keep me safe.”

Just naming it reduces fear. It turns a monster into a part. This is the first step toward calming it.

2. Acknowledge its purpose- This part isn’t trying to ruin his life. It’s trying to prevent heartbreak, rejection, humiliation, emotional dependence, losing control.

When he says to himself: “I get why you’re here. You’re trying to protect me.”.. the protector softens.

Fear shrinks when it feels understood.

3. Don’t argue with it- If he tries to fight it (“go away,” “stop ruining this,” “you’re irrational”), the protector panics more.

Instead, he can say: “You’re allowed to be here. But you don’t have to take over.”

This is how people with attachment fear learn to stay connected instead of shutting down.

4. Give it a job that isn’t blocking love- Protector parts calm down when they’re reassigned.

For example: “Your job isn’t to stop me from feeling. Your job is to warn me if someone truly unsafe appears.”

This gives the part a role without letting it dominate.

5. Let the emotional part speak too- Right now, the protector part is drowning out the vulnerable part.

He can internally say: “I hear the part that’s scared. But I also hear the part that cares.”

Both parts get space. Neither is exiled. This balance is what calms the system.

6. Stay connected to someone safe- This is where you come in. When he talks to you and you respond with warmth, humor, and steadiness, his protector part relaxes because he isn’t being judged, he isn’t being abandoned, he isn’t being overwhelmed, he isn’t being shamed. Safety with another person teaches the protector that connection isn’t dangerous.

7. Slow down when the fear spikes- When he feels the “blackness” or shutdown, he can pause and say:

“Something scared me. Let me slow down.”

Fear hates speed. It calms with slowness.

8. Let the feelings come in small doses- He doesn’t need to feel everything at once.

He can let in 5 seconds of tenderness, 10 seconds of longing, a brief memory, a small moment of connection. Then pause.

This teaches the protector that feelings don’t drown him.

The real answer- He calms this part by giving it what it never had: Safety. Understanding. Permission. Patience. Connection.

Not pressure. Not logic. Not force.

When the protector feels safe, it stops blocking love.

Hey 👋 🌙 🦉 Confused:

I thought S. America is a good start, a beginning vacation before proceeding to another planet.

Okay, I will talk to Copilot in the 🌄 and let you know what he says (I think of it as he)

I think that this part is trying to protect you from being hurt by a woman but it’s hurting you and doesn’t even know that it does.

🌙🦉🐰⏸️🐉✨️ Anita

No, not at all boring, Confused!

Your “wtf, can’t catch a break”- made me laugh (silently).

There’s a part of you that is giving the other part a very difficult time.

That’s why I’m thinking of silencing that annoying, stubborn part with some kind of an effective psych drug, so to shut it up.

You love her, you want her and yet a part of you says NO!

I understand the protective intent of that part, it means well, but it’s time it takes a vacation.. South America, I’m thinking. That’s far enough..?

🤔✨️🐉 Anita

There’s something else that ocurred to me after I submitted the above:

My strong drive to analyze and rationally understand things at the expense of nuance (binary, all or nothing; black & white thinking) has a lot to do not only with the IA I mentioned above, but also with my distrust of and discomfort with emotions.

It’s been difficult for me to receive empathy because I suspected it to mean that I was pitiful. All empathy did for me was trigger my shame aka toxic shame.

So, I focused on analysis and avoided expressing empathy because I was not comfortable myself with receiving it.

I was 🔒-ed in SHAME.

Hey Dear Confused:

You mentioned friends before. I’m glad you have a close friend (or more than one) and a female friend.

Your female friend was indeed fast on picking up on you sabotaging your own happiness with those worries, and that it may be a defense mechanism.

But of course, it’s happening without you choosing it consciously.

It’s a mental loop you’re caught in, a habit of the mind (which is in part chemical)

So, today, you saw a photo of her in the 🪞 and you thought: “She’s gorgeous”.

Now, I imagine a voice in your 🧠 saying quickly, before you can hear it something like ‘She’s too gorgeous 4 U!’, ‘some guy will take her away from U”, ‘You better prepare for it by not caring when it happens’.

And the defense: ‘I don’t want her… I don’t really want her”-

If you don’t want her, losing her won’t hurt.

You ended your post with “Crazy stuff!”- I think you’re crazy 🤪 about the gorgeous woman in the 🪞.

🤍🐉🐇 Anita

Good morning, Peter: There’s a big smile on my face to see that you posted and to read just a bit. Will be back to you in the late afternoon/ evening.