Dear Nea:

Back to the computer sooner than expected.

I am using upper case letters in the quote below for emphasis:

“Seeing him treat the person I love and rely on this way makes it even harder to accept WHO HE IS and what our relationship may need to look like… What hurts most is that I still want a relationship with my dad… BASIC RESPECT is necessary.”-

The question I’m asking today is the following:

Is it possible for you, your husband, or for any other person to have a relationship with your father that includes mutual basic respect?

My answer (after hours of rereading and studying what you shared): No.

I don’t think that your father can relate to people as equals. I think that he relates to people through hierarchy. In his mind, respect flows downward from him, and obedience flows upward toward him. That means ‘mutual respect’ — where two adults speak openly, disagree safely, and repair conflict together — simply doesn’t exist in his worldview.

He sees disagreement as disrespect, boundaries as rebellion, and accountability as humiliation. Because of this, any relationship with someone he considers below him will always require the other person to shrink themselves, avoid triggering him, apologize first, and accept his version of events.

People with this pattern don’t suddenly shift into healthy reciprocity, especially after decades of behaving this way and openly saying he will not change. You can have contact with him, you can have politeness, you can have surface peace — but a relationship built on mutual respect is not possible with someone who doesn’t believe others are entitled to it.

* I figure he can show respect toward someone he sees as superior because he relates to people through hierarchy. So, if he meets someone he believes is above him — more powerful, more successful, more authoritative — his whole internal system can flip. Instead of dominating, he may become compliant, agreeable, even admiring. But this isn’t emotional respect; it’s strategic respect. It’s built on the same structure: power → obedience. Just reversed.

I think that his worldview is dominance‑based: he respects ‘up,’ dominates ‘down,’ and struggles with anyone ‘equal.’

In your original post you wrote: “We actually owned our own place and were living independently… we were led to believe that would become our next housing situation, so based partly on those assurances we rented our own place out… so we ended up living with my parents much longer than I originally wanted or felt comfortable with, almost one year…

“This also overlapped with my dad involving my husband in one of his businesses. From about 1.5 year, my husband was repeatedly told that certain opportunities and work were going to materialize… But there was very little clarity, and whenever my husband tried to ask reasonable questions about timelines, finances, responsibilities, or what exactly he was supposed to be doing, my dad often responded with some version of ‘just do what I’m telling you,’ Rather than having an open discussion.”

By keeping you or your husband uncertain, hopeful, and financially connected to him, he ensured you stayed in a position where he remained the center of the household. So, it’s possible that he misled you, not necessarily through conscious scheming, but through a long‑standing habit perhaps of using promises as a way to keep people close, dependent, and “in their place.”

When someone’s sense of power comes from being the provider, they feel threatened when others gain independence. So, he overpromises about housing and work, gives just enough support to keep you tied to him, and withholds clarity that would allow you to stand on their own.

This is not love but a transactional system where his ‘help’ maintains his authority. In that system, you becoming secure, autonomous, and able to make your own decisions would feel like a loss of control to him.

So, his pattern can lead to behaviors that undermine your financial stability, not because he wants you to suffer, but because he wants you to stay ‘under his roof’, under his influence, and within the hierarchy where he feels powerful.

To summarize, I don’t think that you- or your husband- can build a relationship with him based on mutual respect — because he sees people as above him or below him — never side‑by‑side. For him, relationships are not built on equality, listening, or mutual respect — they’re built on rank: ‘superiors’ he must obey and ‘inferiors’ who must obey him. So, when he interacts with you, your husband, his wife, or his younger daughter, he automatically places you all in the “below” position, which means he expects obedience, loyalty, and silence instead of conversation or boundaries.

Based on everything you described, the probability of meaningful change is extremely low because
he is older and explicitly said he will not change, his patterns have lasted 35+ years, he has never taken accountability, he believes his behavior is justified, and he has no internal motivation to change. People with these patterns rarely change without external pressure, and in his case: the family adapts to him, he faces no consequences, and he sees himself as the victim when challenged. So, the system reinforces his behavior.

He may soften temporarily — but that is not change. It is just part of the cycle: anger → coldness → softening → anger again.

This is it, Nea. I truly hope that this is not too much, that I didn’t overstep and that you feel comfortable to consider, accept or reject any part of this.

🌿 Anita

Hi understandably petty, giddy, and soap-opera-villain Girija 🙂:

“Every human has a place.”- ✔️

And every emotion has a valid message, one that aims at helping one to survive or thrive as an individual and as a social being.

So, your at times giddiness and wishing him misery, the valid message:

Girija needs and deserves to be respected and should not accept or tolerate disrespect.

I hope that your mother is cancer-free and that you don’t spend much time worrying.

Your peace of mind is very important. You don’t deserve to suffer because of a disproportionate-distribution-of-misery that you have no control over.

🌿 Anita

Dear Nea: Just wanted to let you know that I’ve been working on what looks like a long reply for you in the last couple of hours and it’ll take me some more time.

Hey Dear Confused:

She was/ is unique, and so are you (the bee’s knees 🙂) Please remember that!

Yes, many times, you felt amazing and strong feelings with her, loved and cared for.

How did it feel inside, to be loved and cared for?

I too feel sad that she’s gone. I miss reading about your conversations, and I hope that an irl relationship will materialize 😔

Are you still talking to your coworkers- friends about her?

🌿 Anita

Hey Dear Nea:

What you’re describing is a long‑standing family pattern, not a one‑time situation. Your dad has never handled conflict through conversation or accountability, and your mom and sister have learned to survive by keeping the peace. So, when you say their answer would be to “avoid more conflict,” that makes complete sense — they’re responding the way they’ve always had to.

The hot‑and‑cold behavior you’re getting from your father is also part of that same pattern. He softens when he remembers you’re pregnant, then becomes cold again when he feels you didn’t follow the script he expects. That unpredictability is exhausting for anyone, but especially for someone who’s about to give birth and needs stability, calm, and emotional safety.

Given all of this, I think the most realistic and self‑protective path for you right now isn’t trying to change the family dynamic — it’s creating a small, steady bubble of calm inside it. Your sister sounds like someone who can help you with that. Your mom may not be able to challenge your dad, but she does care about you and can support you in quieter ways. Leaning on them for emotional steadiness, even if they can’t intervene directly, might be the most helpful thing available in this environment.

And for your father, the safest approach may be exactly what you’re already doing: keeping gentle distance, not escalating, and not apologizing for something you didn’t do. You’re not abandoning your family — you’re protecting your mental and emotional health during a vulnerable time.

You’re navigating this with so much clarity, Nea, even inside a very difficult system. I’m here with you as you figure out the next steps.

Anita

Hey Nea:

You are welcome, and thank you 🙂

You wrote: “If my family wants to sit downstairs together, watch something, or do something as a family…”

I was imagining what it would look like if you asked your family (not including your husband) to sit downstairs with you, and you told them — in your own words from your message to me:

“Family and staying connected are such a huge part of how I was raised. I’m extremely pregnant, about to become a mom myself, and being at my parents’ home during this stage should feel like a blessing and a place of support. Instead, I feel like I’m managing tension, moods, and trying to make sure my husband doesn’t feel pushed out. It’s exhausting and honestly really sad.”

And then adding something like: “Can you help me feel better, safer, calmer as I’m nearing giving birth?”

That would be a reasonable idea for a reasonable family. But in families with intimidation dynamics, something that looks like a “meeting” can feel confrontational or escalate tension. Your father may interpret it as a challenge to his authority, an accusation, or an opportunity to lecture or blame. You’d be exposing your vulnerability in front of someone who historically does not respond with empathy — and in front of others who won’t challenge him, however gently.

A safer version might be gathering the family minus your dad first and telling them: ‘I’m pregnant, I’m tired, and I need support. I don’t want tension in the house. I need us to find a way to make things calmer.’ Then asking: ‘Can you help me with this?’

What do you think their answer would be?

Anita

Hi Girija:

I read what you shared, and what stood out most is how much strength you’ve built over the last couple of years. You’re not just “getting back up” — you’re actually changing the way you relate to yourself. The confidence you’re feeling now isn’t coming from circumstances being perfect; it’s coming from you learning that you can move forward even when things are uncertain.

I’m glad the last couple of days have felt lighter. It makes sense that full rest doesn’t work for you — you seem to need a mix of activity, learning, and small accomplishments to feel grounded.

What you said about 2025 being your lowest, and how many different paths you tried, shows how much effort you put into rebuilding. None of that was wasted. You didn’t just “live through” those intense years — you learned from them, and you’re carrying that forward now in a more stable way.

And about your mom — I can imagine how heavy this time of year feels. Routine follow‑ups can still bring a lot of anxiety, especially after everything she’s already survived. Seeing her spirit dim is hard, and it’s clear how much you care about her.

I’m here, Girija. You’re doing more growing than you give yourself credit for.

🌿 Anita

Hey.. Confused:

I see how much you’re hurting, and it makes me 🙁

“But that still doesn’t make sense because when u lose feelings for someone u are relieved to break up… If I had lost feelings, I wouldn’t feel anything… I wouldn’t be crying my guts out for months on end”-

If you permanently lost feelings, it’d make sense that you’d be relieved to break up, would never feel anything for her and wouldn’t cry your guts out for months on end.

But you only temporarily lost feelings.

“And it felt so amazing when I was holding her/kissing her in December”-

There were amazing moments during the visit, but on the whole, it was not an amazing visit. There were lots of doubts, distance and disconnection on both sides.

This is what you said about the visit back on Dec 21:

“The visit went okay, it was our first time meeting, I stayed for 3 days, and she knew what was happening inside my head, so she was also distant/disconnected… I liked her in person and my body responded very well to us kissing and cuddling (even tho my mind was constantly doubting everything). Took her a lot of time opening up and even touching me tho. The first 2 days she was keeping her distance which I respected (because she needs to develop a sense of trust and security before getting intimate, especially after I planted many doubts in her head).”

Back to today: “Idk anita, is it 50%? This girl truly loved me… It hurts so much when u push a good person away.”- you place her love on a pedestal, seeing it as perfect at all times (100%)?”-

I think that the 2 of U are good people and neither one of you is perfect (100%). (I would like to think of myself in the same way).

“It’s so hard every day without her, I wake up hoping I’ll get a message or something. She’s always in my mind no matter what I’m doing, and I still feel like sharing my every day with her… I doubt life will get any better for me anytime soon 🙁”-

I think that one way for life to feel better for you is to let go of the ideas that (1) what you lost was perfect love, on either side, and that (2) you carry the sole responsibility for the breakup.

I would like to read from you anytime you feel like talking to me.

🌿 Anita