So. what could be fun (careless, spontaneous, whatever happens – happens) becomes unpleasant?

The fearing closeness point- her writing you a poem comes to mind, expressing feeling close to you, and best I remember, that scared you and was part of what led you to “suddenly fell out of love” experience (the title of this thread) no?

👀

Dear Ivy:

Good to read that you are feeling better, Ivy!

For recommendations, you might like older 2D animated series, classic family movies, or some hidden‑gem adventure cartoons.

Again, I’m glad you’re feeling better and finding comfort in drawing and writing 🙂

Anita

Hey Confused:

Confused, Dec 19, 2025 (page 14): “The relationship with my mother was very chaotic, violence and arguing constantly, throwing some awkward affection here and there, then rinse and repeat. I can’t remember if I was dissociating when I was a kid, definitely trying to escape in imaginary worlds and games though..”

Confused, Dec 20: “I am disorganized attached”.

Confused, Dec 22: “If they weren’t fighting each other, they were calm which meant either distant or that a fight would break out soon, even with me… I was the one she was leaning on while confessing her issues with my father, relationship things and dislikes, to which I would only respond ‘just break up’ because that was the only thing making sense to me at the age of 11… Since I am a male, I would fight back and things would escalate pretty badly, especially after my body started developing and I was able to overpower her.”

Confused, Jan 17, 2026 (page 31): “I honestly can’t connect the two (my experience with her and me growing up)”.

You’re saying, Confused, that:

* You don’t see how your childhood affected you.

* You don’t think the past shaped your adult behavior.

* You don’t make emotional links between then and now.

I researched it this morning, and I read that you are not alone, Confused, in that many adults with disorganized attachment have no internal “story” that connects their childhood to their adult struggles. They feel the symptoms — anxiety, depression, dissociation, confusion — but they don’t know why.

This is exactly what dissociation does: it disconnects events from feelings. It separates memory from meaning. It protects the child by numbing awareness.

So, as an adult, one may remember facts but not impact. That’s dissociation doing its job.

When growing up in chaos, it feels normal, as in just-how-things-were. Adults who grew up like this often say: “It wasn’t that bad.”, “Other people had it worse.”, “I don’t think it affected me.”.

Many trauma survivors disconnect the past from the present, minimize the impact of the past and in so doing, protecting themselves from overwhelming feelings. It’s especially common in men who had to “be strong” or fight back as boys.

Back to what you said yesterday, “”I honestly can’t connect the two (my experience with her and me growing up)”.”-

Now that I understand better, I am determined to not pressure you whatsoever to connect the two. You will when you are ready.

Here in this thread, you are welcome to share whatever crosses your mind or heart, at your own pace. Or not at all- your choice 🙂

🤍 Anita

Hey Confused:

“I honestly can’t connect.. my experience with her (your mother) and growing up”-

Sit with this sentence for a moment.

You grew up with her, right?

You can’t connect..what?

🤍 Anita

Good morning, Confused:

I hope you slept well 💤.

“People say that u seek in relationships the kind of relationship u had with ur mother, but I really dislike conflicts”-

I don’t say anything like that. I say that people with traumatic or very difficult childhoods seek to resolve early childhood conflicts in adult, romantic relationships. For example, someone with an emotionally inaccessible parent may seek a relationship with an emotionally inaccessible partner so to sort of, undo the parent’s inaccessibility, to succeed in adulthood at what one failed in childhood.

You didn’t talk much about your experience with your mother growing up (and nothing about your sisters’ experience with her), but what you shared sounds troubling. Yet it seems like you are not aware of the effects it had on you. Would you say that your experience with her harmed you in any way, and if so, how?

“At times I also felt responsible for my parents’ feelings.”- I’d be interested to read more about this point.

“I can’t remember if I ever felt like my love for her was a burden, was yours for your mother? How would you describe it?”-

Yes, it was. I would describe it as being hyper alert in regard to how she felt. If she felt okay, I was able to relax a bit; if she didn’t, I was anxious. I felt that her feeling badly was my fault. Felt lots of Guilt (with a capital G) in regard to her negative feelings. I felt that I couldn’t relax or be happy unless she was relaxed and happy first. I felt that my job in life was to make it up to her for all the sufferings she went through since her childhood.

Overall, I wasn’t free to be ME and live MY life. I was like a captive, trapped in her life, like a satellite in orbit around a planet (her).

Did you (or your sisters) experience anything like that, to any extent?

 🤍 Anita