Dear Mollie:

This morning, I reread your first (original) post in this thread as well as following posts and consulted with AI (Copilot).

Your first post in this thread was on March 28, 2025 (age 23). In that post, you didn’t give many details about your childhood or your parents, but you did reveal emotional patterns that point to how your early relationships shaped you.

A. Your parents’ disapproval had strong power over you- you wrote that they didn’t approve of the man you loved because he was 10 years older. Your reaction was to feel turmoil, stop contact with him, and focus on repairing things with your parents. This suggests you grew up in a family where parental approval mattered intensely, and where you may have learned to sacrifice your own desires to keep peace.

B. You felt guilt and pressure around disappointing them- you said resigning from your job felt horrible because you had previously indicated you’d stay longer. Even though this wasn’t directly about your parents, the emotional tone was the same: fear of letting people down and fear of not meeting expectations. This often comes from childhood environments where expectations are high and approval feels conditional.

C. You apologized for having feelings- you ended your first post with: “I’m sorry if this is an ungrateful, spoilt post to read.” This is a classic sign of someone who grew up minimizing their needs and emotions.

D. You were still seeking their permission- you stopped seeing someone you loved partly because your parents disapproved, and you were still thinking about how to explain yourself to them. This points to a childhood where family expectations were placed above your own autonomy.

Your adult choices — job, partner, location — were still shaped by what your parents think. Their approval held strong influence, you feared disappointing them, and you internalized guilt and self‑blame.

In your later posts, you gave a much clearer window into both your childhood emotional environment and your current relationship with your parents. When everything is put together, a consistent picture emerges: a family system where love, pressure, approval, and anxiety were tightly intertwined.

From your later posts, we learn:

1. You grew up in a home with conflict and tension. You wrote: “My parents were worried about my brother, there were arguments at home, to the extent that I would develop tension in my tummy… anxiety.”- there was emotional instability, and you absorbed the stress. You developed anxiety as a child and became hyper‑attuned to the emotional climate.

2. You became the “good child.”- you described overthinking, worrying about pleasing others, feeling responsible for harmony, and apologizing for having needs. This is common for a child who tries to balance out a sibling who requires more attention.

3. You learned to manage other people’s emotions. You said: “I would worry about food for them, ensuring the flat is clean… even though they tell me not to worry.”- this is the pattern of someone who grew up anticipating others’ needs, trying to prevent conflict, and striving to be perfect so no one gets upset.

4. You internalized pressure to achieve. You wrote: “Because I was achieving all the time… my parents perpetuate the cycle of this is the profession for you, because it’s the best one and you are the best.”- this suggests you learned to equate worth with performance.

5. You learned to minimize your own struggles. You repeatedly apologized for venting or having problems. This reflects a child who learned: ‘I shouldn’t burden anyone.’

About your current relationship with your parents: * They are loving and supportive — but overwhelming.
You said: “I am lucky to have their support… but sometimes they are overwhelming.”- this is common in families where love and pressure coexist.

* You feel responsible for their comfort. Even when they visit, you worry about food, cleanliness, and being a good host. This pattern usually begins in childhood.

* Their approval still shapes your decisions. You ended a relationship because they disapproved, felt pushed toward a career path, and feared disappointing them.

* They are supportive, but also anxious. You wrote: “They worry and try to keep me on track.”- they love you, but they project their fears onto you — and their anxiety becomes your anxiety.

* You feel close to them, but also dependent. You said: “I rely on them for support… I don’t have much energy for socialising outside my bubble.”- this creates a push‑pull: you need them, you feel smothered, you want independence, and you fear losing their approval.

Putting it all together: you grew up in a family where:

1. Love and pressure were intertwined. Your parents clearly love you, but their love came with high expectations, anxiety, and a sense that you must “make good” on your potential.

2. You became the emotional stabilizer. With a brother who caused worry and arguments, you stepped into the role of the responsible one, the achiever, the peacemaker.

3. You learned to earn approval through achievement. You were encouraged to succeed, but in a way that made you feel you must always be “the best,” choose prestigious paths, and avoid disappointing them.

4. You internalized anxiety early. Your “tension in the tummy” was a child’s response to chronic stress and emotional vigilance.

5. You struggle to separate your desires from their expectations. You want to be a lawyer, but you also feel pushed. You feel it’s your idea, yet you’re unsure. This confusion is common when identity forms around pleasing parents.

6. You feel guilty for having needs. You apologize for venting, for being overwhelmed, for having problems — a sign that you learned your needs were secondary.

7. You love your parents deeply — and feel trapped by them. You are close to them, especially your mother, but you also feel overwhelmed, pressured, watched, and guided too closely. This is the emotional landscape of a young adult raised in a loving but high‑pressure family system.

In short: You are now trying to separate what YOU WANT from what you were TRAINED TO WANT. And that is the heart of your struggle. The struggle to separate- individuate. Is it, Mollie?

🤍 Anita

Dear Alecsee:

It sounds like you’re under a lot of pressure right now, and that makes making decisions difficult.

The place you’re in now is comfortable, but it’s also straining your finances. The cheaper apartment is not ideal, but it may give you breathing room and reduce stress.

It’s not a step backward — it’s just a practical move while you get back on your feet. You can always upgrade again later when things feel stable.

Give yourself permission to choose what supports your peace ✌️ and your wallet 💸 right now.

🤍 Anita

Dear Nichole:

Blocking 🚫 them sounds like a healthy choice for you!

I hope 🙏 that your depression lifts soon. Maybe your new thread (I am excited about it) will help.

Bogart is a fast walker who’s been taking me for walks dog 🐕 < — <🚶‍♀️ , often pulling, stopping and changing directions, which resulted in my shoulders hurting 😳, so I am on a quest to train him to walk slower.

Talking about blocking family, over 10 years ago I joined Facebook for the first and last time. Last, because a cousin reached me after decades of not being in contact with her. I freaked out and deactivated my few days long experience with Facebook (it could have been 1 day).

When do you think you’ll start a new thread?

🤍🚶‍♀️🐕 Anita

Dear Alecsee:

You wrote: “I attract people when I’m happiest, but then I pour myself into them.”- this is actually very self-aware: you’re noticing that you shine when you’re grounded but lose yourself once you get attached to a partner.

But seems like you haven’t yet connected this to your fear of abandonment that drives your emotional dependency on a partner/ anxious attachment style.

You see the pattern, but not the engine driving it.

Were you abandoned as a child, emotionally, if not physically?

* Another thing I noticed is your tendency to idealize the past. In your most recent message, you’re remembering only the good parts of the relationship with “the one who ‘got away'” and ignoring the difficulties in the relationship and why it ended.

In your earlier posts, you talked about your ex as if she was perfect for you, saying things like “She was the love of my life.” and “I can’t imagine being with anyone else.”, even though she didn’t communicate, didn’t visit, blocked you, and didn’t meet your emotional needs.

It makes sense that you hold onto the good parts — they were real to you. There were beautiful moments for you and it’s okay to remember the good parts, but those relationships ended for real reasons, not because you were meant to suffer or because you missed your only chance

When someone is hurting, especially after a breakup, the mind often rewrites the past to make it feel more special, more perfect, or more meaningful than it really was. It’s a coping mechanism.

For someone with anxious attachment, the fantasy feels safer than the truth — until they feel grounded enough to face the truth (that it was a mismatch).

You don’t have to ‘get it right’ next time by choosing someone perfect from the start. You just need someone who matches you, communicates with you, and meets you halfway.

You’re not being punished. You’re growing. And the fact that you’re reflecting this much shows you’re already moving forward. You don’t have to do everything the hard way anymore — you can choose differently now, with more clarity and more self‑understanding.

🤍 Anita

Dear Alecsee:

Someone with your emotional style — deeply feeling, anxious when uncertain, loyal, expressive — would thrive in relationships where the other person communicates openly, doesn’t disappear during stress, can talk through conflict, offers reassurance without being asked, and doesn’t punish vulnerability. This doesn’t mean constant attention — it means consistency.

You need a partner who says what she means, follows through, doesn’t send mixed signals, and doesn’t withdraw without explanation

Predictability is safety.

You’d thrive in a relationship where the other person shares about herself, expresses affection, initiates conversations, shows appreciation and meets you halfway. You need emotional exchange, not emotional guessing.

You wouldn’t do well with doesn’t do well with silent withdrawal, sudden distance or unclear expectations. So, a healthy partner for you would say things like: ‘I need a quiet night, but I care about you.’, ‘I’m overwhelmed, but I’ll check in tomorrow.’ This would prevent your anxiety from spiraling.

How can you stop repeating this pattern?

A. Learn to recognize early signs of avoidant partners. Avoidant partners often struggle to share feelings, need a lot of space, get overwhelmed by emotional closeness, send mixed signals and disappear during stress. You can learn to spot this before you get attached.

B. Slow down the pace of emotional investment. Anxious partners often bond quickly. You need to take time, observe consistency, see how someone handles stress and see how they communicate needs. Attachment should build gradually, not instantly.

C. Build emotional regulation skills. This helps you pause before reacting, tolerate uncertainty, avoid panic-driven decisions and communicate calmly. There is the difference between reacting and responding.

D. Choose partners who are emotionally available. You deserve someone who texts back, shows up, communicates and doesn’t disappear. Compatibility matters more than chemistry.

E. Strengthen your sense of self. The more grounded you feel in yourself, the less you’ll chase, panic, overthink, idealize your partner and lose yourself in relationships. This is long-term work, but it changes everything.

Being grounded in yourself means you have a steady emotional center, so you don’t fall apart when someone pulls away, gets busy, or doesn’t respond right away. It means you know who you are, what you need, and how to calm yourself without relying on another person to make you feel okay. When you’re grounded, you don’t panic, chase, or lose your identity in a relationship — you can pause, breathe, and respond thoughtfully instead of reacting from fear. It’s basically the difference between feeling like your whole world depends on someone else and feeling like you can stand on your own two feet even when things are uncertain.

🌱🛡️🌿🧘🤍 Anita