Dear Alecsee:

I reread your first posts starting with the first on July 8, 2025, then fast forwarded to your posts yesterday/ today (Feb 18-19, 2026).

This was indeed an anxious–avoidant relationship, like you said yourself, which tends to be the most painful combination.

You needed reassurance, communication, emotional closeness, consistency and transparency.

She needed space, independence, emotional distance, physical proximity (not long-distance) and low-intensity connection

Your needs were fundamentally incompatible. And as a result, you pursued → she withdrew → you panicked → she shut down → you escalated → she cut off.

This is a textbook anxious–avoidant pairing.

Neither one of you is ‘the villain.’ You were simply mismatched in a way that amplified each other’s worst fears.

Your posts show a man who has been losing himself in the relationship for a long time. The breaking point was her father’s death when she withdrew completely, and you panicked completely. This is when you started messaging her repeatedly, visiting, leaving gifts, and trying to force clarity. You weren’t trying to harm her — you were trying to stop the emotional freefall.

The “cheating lie” was not a calculated act. It was a panic response. You were thinking along these lines: ‘She’s gone=> I need her to respond=> I need something to break the silence!’

Her responses were harsh, final, and deeply wounding, and you spiraled into self-blame, regret and obsessive replaying of events, trying to understand what went wrong.

Her final messages were angry, defensive, overwhelmed, emotionally reactive and final. She was trying to protect herself. Her words reflect fear, anger, exhaustion, a desire for distance, a need for control and for closure on her terms.

She was not in a place where reconciliation was possible. She explicitly said she never wants to be in contact again, blocked you on multiple platforms, told you to stop trying, said there is “zero chance” of reconnection and ended with “Goodbye.”

This is not an ambiguous situation. This is a closed door.

You kept asking: “Did I have a chance?”, “Could I have saved it?”, “Was it doomed?”, “Did I ruin everything?”

The truth is: the relationship was already ending long before the cheating lie. The lie accelerated the end, but it didn’t cause it.

Your needs were incompatible from the start. You didn’t ruin a healthy relationship — you clung to an unhealthy one.

You’re grieving the idea of her — the version of her you hoped she could be. Healing means accepting that she wasn’t emotionally available, she couldn’t meet your needs, you couldn’t meet hers, and that the relationship was mismatched from the start

Letting go isn’t forgetting. It’s accepting reality over fantasy.

It’d be easy to paint her as cold, avoidant, or cruel. But her behavior makes sense when you understand her emotional world. She was overwhelmed — she had an all-consuming job, a parent’s death, chronic exhaustion
and a limited space within her mind for conflict or intensity.

Avoidant people shut down when overwhelmed. That’s how they protect themselves. Avoidant partners fear being engulfed. When they feel overwhelmed, they retreat.

Her harsh messages came from fear and anger. This wasn’t her at her best. This was her in fight-or-flight mode.

She wasn’t capable of giving what you needed because she couldn’t handle emotional intensity, couldn’t handle conflict, and couldn’t handle long-distance. She couldn’t handle someone who needed reassurance. This makes her incompatible with you.

Here’s what moving forward can look like for someone in your position:

A. Accepting that the relationship is over- not because you failed, not because she’s cruel, but because you were incompatible. Acceptance is the first step toward peace.

B. Letting yourself grieve fully- allow the sadness, anger, confusion, longing and regret. These emotions pass when they’re felt, not when they’re avoided.

C. Rebuilding your emotional foundation- this means reconnecting with friends, rediscovering hobbies, grounding yourself in routine, learning emotional regulation, and practicing self-compassion.

You need to rebuild the parts of yourself that were shaken during the relationship and breakup.

D. Learning healthier relationship patterns- you can learn to communicate needs calmly, choose partners who are emotionally available, recognize red flags early, avoid chasing avoidant partners, and slow down when anxious. This is how you can break the cycle.

E. Understanding that attraction can be rewired- being fixated on her body type and the physical chemistry,
that’s normal after heartbreak. But over time, you can learn to be attracted to emotional safety, consistency, kindness and reciprocity.

F. Realizing that love isn’t supposed to feel like panic- the love of your life will not disappear for months, block you repeatedly, leave him in uncertainty, or make you feel like you’re drowning

Real love feels like calm, safety, mutual effort, emotional presence and trust.

You haven’t experienced that yet — but you can.

🌟 The bottom line: You’re not broken. She’s not evil. You were simply incompatible in a way that activated both of your deepest wounds.

You can heal. You can grow. You can love again — in a healthier, more grounded way.

And the pain you’re feeling now is not a sign that you lost “the one.” It’s a sign that you cared deeply, and that you’re ready to learn what real emotional safety looks like.

* I will add more in the next post

🤍 Anita

Oh, I just noticed you submitted another post. I will read and reply in the morning. Please 🙏 direct empathy toward yourself. B Back Tomorrow.

🌙 Anita

Dear Alecsee:

I’m so sorry 😞 you’re still hurting so much and for so long. You’re so attached to her, having been for so long.

I feel your pain and Wish it wasn’t there, meaning, I wish you weren’t hurting 💔

🤍 Anita

When was the last time you communicated with her? What was the last exchange between you and her ( as in what did you say, what did she say?)

🤔 Anita

* Correcting a typo from in my previous message: It’s clear to me that this relationship meant a lot more to you than lust.

Dear Alecsee:

It’s clear to me that this relationship meant a lot more to you than just.

So, you’re saying 🙄 that yours is Anxious attachment style, and hers is Avoidant, and both came about because of insecure attachment with parents?

🤍 Anita

On a more personal note, Calm Moon: as I read through our communication today, I was amazed by how much we have in common, although decades apart.

Seems like we both, growing up, had mothers who were really still needy children who needed a mother themselves.

We grew up with wounded children who happened to birth us.

We never got to be children because we were born to children in adult form.

It is only within the last few years that I FINALLY feel like a child. It is so strange when I feel this way and then look in the mirror..

A lifetime has passed feeling old when I was 5, 15, 25.. and then a few decades later, feeling like a child for the first time that I can remember.

The damage a mother who is still a child does to her daughter is.. heartbreaking.

A child, a daughter is not equipped to mother her mother, to parent her, not yet being mothered herself.

I didn’t give birth to my mother, yet she.. expected me to.. no, I expected myself to stabilize her, to calm her, to make her okay because no one else did.

Parentification, Role Reversal- we talked about it, well I did in my very first response to you, or second?

I think that you’re in your 30s. And last I read from you regarding your mother-child was that she was living away from you, with a sibling of yours? You felt back then a combination of relief and guilt.

I hope that you’re still living away from her at a distance.

Isn’t it amazing? How much we love our mothers/daughters, how we’d do anything for her.. while she pouts and complains perhaps that we’re not doing enough, or not doing it perfectly?

While all along roles have been Reversed and we were Robbed of our childhood.

I know I speak of “we” and “our” and I am sure our experiences are not 100% identical, but they are pretty similar (and there’s nothing “pretty” about it 😉)

It’s exciting that you’re thinking of having a partner and your own family. An equal partner (not one for you to parent), but something new, like in team work.. raising children perhaps, children who get this precious chance to be children?

🤍 Anita