Dear Emma:

“You said I would probably not be the only woman struggling with him. You really think this was mostly his fear and not all my fault?”-

Yes, absolutely. I can’t imagine any woman who wouldn’t be struggling with him. As I read the additional information you provided, I am even more sure that the breakup was not your fault at all.

Let’s look at what you shared about the four men you mentioned:

* About your father: “He has a strong opinion.”, “He is awkward with affection.”, “He is afraid to be vulnerable.”

About your brother: “He is dominant.”, “He is reactive.”, “He is daring and self‑assured.”

About W: “He has a strong will.”, “He is self‑confident.”, “He gets angry.”, “He is insecure underneath but acts strong.”

About Philip (from your earlier posts): emotionally unpredictable, intense, reactive, inconsistent.

The pattern: you are drawn to men who appear strong and confident (strong exterior) but are actually emotionally closed, reactive, and difficult to connect with (fragile interior).

So, no wonder the relationships with Philip and W ended quickly: they are difficult, maybe impossible to connect with long-term.

The thing is, you’re attracted to men who look strong but are actually fragile and therefore you feel like you have to “be sweet, don’t upset them”, to “wear a mask.”, to “(not) voice my opinions.”, and to take care of them emotionally.

I think that you’re attracted to men who replicate your childhood dynamic: men who are strong‑willed, dominant, reactive and emotionally unpredictable. Why? Because they feel familiar.

Your nervous system learned: ‘Love feels like walking on eggshells.’, ‘Love feels like trying to earn approval.’, ‘Love feels like trying to calm someone down.’

W yelled at you, hung up, mocked you, blocked you, pressured you, and punished you. But you didn’t think: ‘This is unhealthy.’ Instead, you thought that YOU have done something wrong: “Maybe it’s my fault.”, “I should have comforted him.”, “I didn’t realize how hurt he was.” You didn’t see his behavior as unacceptable (which it was). You see it as something you must fix.

When you were growing up, you learned to blame yourself for other people’s emotions because it gave you a sense of control in situations where you actually had none. As a child, it felt safer to think ‘Dad is distant because of me’ or ‘My brother is angry because I did something wrong’ than to face the frightening truth that the people you depended on were unpredictable and you couldn’t change them.

By believing their reactions were your fault, you also got to believe you could fix things by being sweeter, quieter, more honest, or more perfect. That self‑blame protected your attachment to them — because if you were the problem, then you could work harder and keep the connection.

If they were the problem, you would have been powerless, and that’s too terrifying for a child. This is why, even now, you automatically take responsibility for men’s anger, insecurity, or withdrawal. Your nervous system is still using the same strategy that once kept you emotionally safer (than the alternative), ‘If I can figure out what I did wrong, I can repair it and they won’t leave.’

You’re doing it because this was the only way you learned to feel relatively secure in relationships. As an adult, you’re repeating the pattern with men who resemble the emotional dynamics of your father and brother, and your mind still reaches for the familiar belief that their feelings are your responsibility. It’s a survival strategy you haven’t had the chance to unlearn yet.

But you can unlearn it. I know because I did. Growing up I felt very responsible for my mother unhappy, intense, reactive, unpredictable feelings and tried (unsuccessfully) to be perfect. I still remember how I even said these words to myself: “From now on, I will be perfect”. When I said that, I felt calm and hopeful. Now I realize why (because it gave me a sense of control, that if I’m perfect, she will be calm and no longer reactive).

I also minimized myself psychologically (I refer to it as Self Erasure”) to the point that I wasn’t even aware of preferences (I clearly remember feeling paralyzed sort of, in an ice cream shop, not being able to choose an ice-cream flavor (and there were only 3 flavors back then 🙂).

Now I know- vanilla with hot fudge on top 🍦.

Back to you, I can see you in a healthy long-term relationship with a different kind of man: someone calm, steady, one who is able to connect long-term. I hope to talk more about all of this (and more) with you.

🤍 Anita

Dear Thomas:

Thank you for the advice in regard to Bogart, it’s a wise advice. Actually, it’s wise to apply it with people as well.

Elaborating on it, the scientific term for it is Emotional Contagion. It means one individual’s emotional state automatically triggers a similar state in another without conscious intention, and without verbal communication

Humans do it. Dogs do it. Even babies do it. It’s the most basic form of empathy.

There are such things as Mirror Neurons: if someone looks tense, the other person’s mirror neurons simulate that tension. If someone is relaxed, the other person mirrors that too. Dogs have a similar system, which is why they’re so attuned to human emotions.

People and dogs pick up on micro‑expressions, muscle tension, breathing rate, posture, eye movements, tone of voice and scent changes (dogs smell stress hormones, so I am reading).

🙏 🤍 Anita

I came back from the taproom, Alessa, was there with Bogart. There were other dogs 🐕 there, one was a bit aggressive toward Bogart 😔 , another (a healer) got along very well with Bogart.

I am concerned because Bogart is scheduled for a surgery this Tuesday, getting neutered. I understand it’s necessary because otherwise.. well, I don’t even want to think about it. He’s only a toddler now.

I’d have to leave him at the vet at 7:30 am for the whole afternoon and pick him up after the surgery.. Will he be okay???

I am beside myself right now. Any advice, Alessa?

😢 Anita

Dear Alessa:

You are very welcome and thank you 🙏✨😊

Alessa the librarian- for some reason it makes me smile affectionately 🤍✨😊

You put your best into everything, Alessa. I admire that about you. 🙌 ✨

About money and anything else that makes me anxious- I avoid, postpone and I take it one day at a time, literally. I also repeat to myself every day a mantra that includes accepting situations I cannot change (radical acceptance) as well as radically accepting my emotions (no longer suppressing, no longer resisting what-is within me and without. This gives me access to energy otherwise wasted in futile resistance.

I had been distrustful of people- expecting people to be like my mother, to catch me off guard with accusations and insults and put downs 😔- much more than I am now. Progress has been made 😊

I am hoping to visit the local taproom for some socialization this afternoon. I hope you are sleeping restfully at this time 😴💤

🤍Anita

Dear Robi:

It’s been the warmest winter here, there’s been frost only for a week and no snow at all. I am imagining Robi building an igloo in the park🙂

read only a part of your post and am looking to thoroughly read and reply Thurs morning (it’s Wed afternoon here).

Please take good care of yourself, you deserve good care🙂

🤍Anita

No problems in regard to typos 🙂. It’s okay not being perfect.

I am using my phone and didn’t read but only a portion of your recent two messages.

I’ll read and reply later, but for now, seems like you’re attracted to men like your father (such a common thing), trying to .. fix your father by proxy of (Phillip, W), trying to connect with a person like your father.
Make him love you?

🤍 Anita

Dear Alessa:

You mentioned concluding your IT studies in two years. I am impressed by how persistent you’ve been in your studies while so much of your time and energy has gone into being a dedicated parent and dealing with health issues.

Truly, you are an inspiration 🤞👏👍

I am no stranger to financial worries, by the way. I just try to distract myself best I can. I’m avoidance, I guess 😔.

Also, my tendency is to be distrustful. I am working on it.

🤍 Anita

You are very welcome, Emma. It so happened I did have a good night (I just realized following you mentioning it 🙏)

Take your time with your answer. It doesn’t need to be a perfect or complete answer. Just a bit of this, a bit of that is good-enough 🙂.

Love 🤍 Anita