Jana (right above): “It is a hard conflict. It is! But it can bear fruit, as well. 😊”-

* I am adding this here after closing the post and deleting much of it because what I realized at the end makes makes much of the post I put together was defensive, somewhat argumentative and unhehelpful. So, this is what’s left:

…………. And now I will respond to the rest of your yesterday’s post:

“Hi Anita, Thank you for your message. I must admit, it’s a mixed bag of feelings, but I’m very happy you’ve realized that I haven’t tried to hurt you but that I actually tried to help, even if it didn’t end up being helpful”-

Thank you, Tee. Yes, you tried to help me, just as you’ve tried to help so many people in these forums, giving so much of yourself in your many detailed, thorough and empathetic posts. Unfortunately, I perceived invalidation and an intent to hurt me where there was none.

About the perceived intent to hurt me, as I remember it, I wasn’t thinking: “Tee is trying to hurt me!” It was an assumption I made without verbalizing it, not even in my own mind.

“Thank you, Anita, for realizing that I indeed didn’t intend to harm you but to help you, because radical acceptance (and a sort of detached compassion, which I’ve explained what I meant by) helped me heal from my mother’s abuse. I truly thought it might be beneficial for you. But I apologized when I’ve realized it was an ill-fitted advice.”-

Seems like you were not suggesting that I feel compassion for her (which I already have, in massive amounts) but that I feel detached attention.. which is a different kind of compassion that I didn’t yet experience? (IF so, this distinction didn’t occur to me until now.. AND I failed to understand your input back then..?)

“Thank you for acknowledging that my intention wasn’t to hurt you or invalidate you. And I fully accept your apology. Thank you.”- this is so gracious of you. Thank you so very much for accepting my apology. 🤍 🙏

In regard to whom I had in mind when I wrote that particular sentence, I spent about 20 minutes just now trying to locate that sentence and I can’t find it. But here’s the thing: you have better memory than I do, Tee, so if you say I was referring to you, to Alessa, or to the two of you in that one sentence then I truly believe you.

Maybe I felt so embarrassed when first confronted with that sentence that .. I tried to deflect responsibility by saying maybe it was someone else. I suppose.. not exactly a lie. There was no such thinking as: I am going to lie about not remembering who I had in mind. It was more like (not verbalized this way though): I don’t want to remember, it’d make me feel badly.

“I’ve already apologized for accusing you of lying that you don’t remember whom you were talking about (Sept 7): “If you truly didn’t remember whom you were talking about, I apologize for wrongly accusing you.”- I didn’t lie about not remembering.. I didn’t want to remember… hmm, there’s a difference. And I didn’t realize this until just now.

You are very, very detailed oriented and a very intelligent critical reader, Tee.. and you caught me there- the inconsistency, the avoidance.

“I’m sorry, Anita, but isn’t it kind of funny that I have to defend myself for assuming that you were less judgmental than you really were?”- ouch, this hurts a bit.

“I mean, I thought it could have been only 2 people whom you had negative feelings about, but now you’re saying it could have been 4 people in total.”- good point. By the avoidance I mentioned above, I made it worse.

“Please don’t take offense, but when we step back and see a bigger picture, it becomes a little absurd. I hope you see it too?”- yea, I suppose. Yes.

“Like you, I would also like to close my post on a positive note: I appreciate your realization that I wasn’t trying to hurt you. I also appreciate and accept your apology. I’m also glad that you’re experiencing some more healing thanks to this thread, including the ability to stay present with difficult emotions and stay in the dialogue, rather than withdraw and then express your grievances indirectly. I think it’s better if we can express what bothers us directly to the person. I appreciate you’ve returned to the conversation, even if not everything you’ve said has been easy to hear. I also appreciate you chose not to use Copilot in this post, because Copilot makes the answers a little mechanical, in my opinion. I prefer talking to a real person, not a machine, because it’s more authentic. So thanks for that 🙂”-

This paragraph I quoted right above, this is the first time I am reading it. Yesterday, when I read “Should we just stop sharing our experiences, so you wouldn’t get offended?”- I felt threatened- and angry, and stopped reading, focusing on what scared me (being talked badly about). If I read the paragraph above, I could have softened. It is a beautiful ending of your post. I simply didn’t read it, and based on 1 or a few sentences I perceived your post as hostile. I see it as .. goodwill on your part, grace, kindness- I COMPLETELY missed the good nature of your post, seeing nothing but a single perceived threat.

This is exactly how I misread your input in regard to my mother- taking one thing from the post that feels like a threat (a threat to mu understanding of things), and seeing ONLY that.

I feel ashamed for having misread and mistreated you, Tee. Looking back in regard to the communication about my mother- you did nothing wrong, but I reacted as if you did, feeling offended when there was no offense and I proceeded to attack- indirectly. And through all this, I didn’t see, couldn’t see what I was really doing.

* It’s amazing.. Like my mother who offended me but claimed that I offended her. She truly felt offended, I suppose, just like I did. This comparison is scary. Something I’ll be thinking about.

I apologize for not reading the closing of your yesterday’s post until just now. And more so, I sincerely and truly apologize for offending you to begin with, and then- adding salt to injury- for accusing you for the ways you reacted to being offended.

Yes, these are my posts now.. not Copilots. Copilot didn’t hold me accountable. You did, Tee. Thank you.

Anita

As I have been then= afraid, defensive, aggressive.

As I am now= hopeful, wanting connection, wanting to love and be loved, no optics, no pretenses.. just simple love, nothing weird.

No, I am not giving up. I am not withdrawing:

Like I said before, I want to communicate with you, Tee, at this time- but without the interruption of others.

Alessa, for now- we can communicate on the thread you started today.

Brandy- please put a pause on your abuse of me (your harsh multiple, severe accusations) in this thread, so that I can continue to communicate with Tee without your interruption, just for now.

Tee- I’ve been reading Every Single One of your hundreds+ of posts for years. You are not a stranger to me- I feel like I got to know you over the years: your rationality and your emotionality. Please listen to me.. not to what Brandy or Jana or Alessa.. or are saying about me. Please hear just me, for now.

I am not about optics. I’m about what’s real: I took responsibility and will take responsibility for any and every thing I was wrong about in the recent conflict.

I want to resolve the conflict with you, Tee. Please give me a chance. Just you and me- for now. I am real. I am honest.

Anita

At this point, I am being abused here, in this thread. I am protesting this abuse and removing myself from this thread.

Brandy, there is absolutely nothing I can say to satisfy you, following your recent false accusations, except to say: I agree with everything you accused me of. Which would be a lie.

Anita

It just occurred to me, Brandy, that the dissonance or weirdness feeling you have about my posts, the inconsistencies, is about my overuse of Copilot (AI). Sometimes the posts I submitted were 100% AI. not mine. At other times, they were mine.. as in two “people” submitting “my ” posts. I decided to no longer involve AI in my posts on this thread and in regard to the conflict.

Anita

Dear Lindsey:

I am reading through our past communication.

In the last post you sent me before yesterday, you wrote (Jan 9, 2023): “Dear Anita, Don’t give up on Kooper- he could show up at your door anytime.”- and indeed Kooper the beagle showed up.. but still anxious.. Canine C-PTSD (CCP) 😔

Back on that day, you wrote: “my mother bought me a very expensive purse for Christmas. For me it was a symbol that I am good enough, I have her respect and admiration. Our relationship has improved so much over the past year. It has started to do wonders for my self esteem”- what happened since with your mother..?

The first time we communicated was on March 20-21, 2019- more than 6 years ago. I hope to read more from you, Lindsey!

🤍🌸 Anita

Yes, Alessa:

I am sorry for referring to you indirectly (not mentioning your name) in negative ways. I should have addressed you directly- that would have been the right thing to do. I wronged you and I sincerely apologize.

I should have told you directly that I felt invalidated by you when I felt that way instead of keeping it inside and then expressing it in ways that were unfair to you.

It will never happen again.

❤️ Anita

Dear PeKaMi39:

You are welcome and thank you for sharing this so honestly. What you wrote is powerful and shows how deeply you’ve been thinking and feeling.

That part about trying to carry everyone’s emotions, feeling like you need to be strong so others can be okay (“I feel like I need to carry everyone’s feelings on my shoulders… If I am happy and strong, they are happy.”)—is something many of us learn early. It often comes from growing up in situations where love or safety felt tied to how well we could take care of others. Over time, it becomes a habit: “If they’re okay, maybe I’ll be okay too.”

But the truth is, trying to fix other people’s feelings isn’t really about them—it’s about calming the fear inside us. It’s a way to feel safe. You’re showing up, helping, being strong. But when it’s coming from fear—like “If they’re upset, I’ll be abandoned” or “If I don’t fix this, I’m not safe”— it’s not really about them. It’s about protecting yourself from discomfort, rejection, or chaos.

It’s actually a survival strategy: your nervous system learned that keeping others okay was the only way to feel okay yourself.

It’s incredibly common. And naming it is a huge step toward reclaiming your energy and choosing care that’s rooted in freedom, not fear.

Starting with a new therapist who understands trauma and OCD sounds like a huge step forward. You’re not just coping anymore—you’re choosing to heal. That’s brave. And you’re not alone.

Warmly, Anita