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anitaParticipantDear Going Through Life:
You wrote that you are confused about these aspects of your life: career/ job, money, relationships and the future.
Can you pick one aspect, for now, and explain best you can what the confusion is about, as concretely as you can?
🌿 Anita
anitaParticipantGood morning (here) Q:
As to why the effect of loving oneself isn’t as strong as being loved by another person, that is, why external validation feels better or stronger than external validation-
I think it’s primarily so because we are social animals who are born to interact with others, to love and be loved by others. But seeking love externally does not preclude seeking love internally. Both can take place at the same time.
When you gave your ex a gift and she received it with appreciation- that’s external reciprocity. When you give yourself a gift and you receive it with appreciation- that’s internal reciprocity. In both cases, love is about giving and receiving.
I think of the part of me that I want to give love to, as the child within me (aka inner child). If I give her a gift and she doesn’t receive it- then mission failed, so to speak. No love took place. There has to be a receiver within.
External receiving is visible (ex’s genuine smile, a loving gaze) and audible (ex saying: “thank you”, “I love you”), but internal receiving is invisible and inaudible (unless you look at yourself in the mirror, or talk out loud to yourself).
I think that many are not in the habit of loving oneself, but it’s a good habit to practice because it makes people less desperate for the love of other people.
in your second post you wrote: “I don’t get to hear a lot of positive motivating words like ‘Things are hard now and you’re trying your best it’s okay keep going.’. So because I rarely heard those things, I think in my head I felt like yea maybe… I deserve to be in my current state”-
Imagine that instead of thinking “I deserve to be in my current state”, you’d be thinking (saying to the boy within Q): “Things are hard now, and I’m trying my best”, and then Q the boy receives this emotional gift, feeling calm and relief as a result..?
🌿 Anita
anitaParticipantDear Tom:
I am going over your posts in this thread.
You started this job at the end of April, or the very beginning of May 2024, a year and 4-5 months on the job.
You coped by reading, practicing gratitude, using a calm app, exercising, going out for fresh air, and posting here, in your thread.
On May 15, you wrote that the company you work for includes more than 150 departments, lots of people involved in what you’re doing there, and if I understand correctly, you’ve been feeling micromanaged and fearing criticism..?
Also, you feel alone at work: lots of people involved, but not a friend among them (“I don’t feel like I have any real ally’s in the team”), and no support on the job (“you are left to fend for yourself almost and learn as you go”).
I wonder if there’s an ER department where you work, if there are parties or social gatherings for employees?
The purpose of an ER dept (I am reading) is to foster a positive work environment: to ensure that employees feel respected, heard, and supported, to fairly and constructively handle disputes between employees or between staff and management, and to support employee well-being.
ER often organizes social gatherings for employees, or they collaborate with HR or Culture teams to make it happen. These events are strategic tools for boosting morale and engagement because when employees feel appreciated, they’re more likely to stay motivated and loyal. Social events allow people from different departments to connect, to feel part of something bigger, to reduce stress and burnout, and to cultivate emotional safety, team cohesion, and a culture where people feel seen and valued.
None of that in your workplace, Tom?
🌿 Anita
anitaParticipantWill read and reply Fri morning, Going-through-Life (Thurs night here)… Take good care of you!
anitaParticipantThank you, Neil. I hope that you have a great weekend too!
🙏 🌿 Anita
anitaParticipantAdding: Does the above resonate wit you to any extent, Q?
anitaParticipantDear Tom:
Reading your most recent post made me think of something I read long ago, don’t remember where. Paraphrased, someone asked: How do I get out of this prison cell? (it’s similar to you feeling/ being trapped), and the answer was: don’t try to get out, or don’t desire to get out anymore.
What it means to me is that when you are in a situation where you really are trapped, objectively speaking (having to pay mortgage and bills, and this job is the only job available that makes it possible for the mortgage and bills to be paid), then radically accepting the situation, for now, to no longer resist it, may free you from useless, harmful stress.
Does this make sense to you?
🌿 Anita
anitaParticipant* Forgot to add: I am sorry she cheated on you 😔
anitaParticipantDear Going Through Life:
I hope that soon, going through life will be a more rewarding experience for you, and it will, with better understanding and more awareness (more of these two things is making my life more rewarding 😊)
In regard to SS, we talked about her back in June 2024. We also talked about the fearful- avoidant attachment style.
I know this attachment style personally. For me, it started with a parent who “loved” me at times and deeply hurt me at other times. So, I learned to associate love (affection, emotional closeness) with pain.
Anything like that, in your experience?
🌿 Anita
anitaParticipantDear Alessa:
It made my day to read that you are starting to feel better and that you don’t want to leave the forums ❤️ ✨❤️ ✨ ❤️
Thank you for your understanding and support and for helping me become a better person ❤️
Nothing for you to apologize for, as far as I am concerned ☘️
Again, I will do my best to promote safety and kindness in all the threads I participate in.
🌿 Anita
anitaParticipantHi again Q:
From my personal experience, it didn’t feel good or rewarding for me to.. love myself because I didn’t feel that I deserved love. I was waiting until such time that I’d be worthy of love..
🌿 Anita
September 18, 2025 at 10:30 am in reply to: Should I Forget about him, or was he the one that got away? #449959anitaParticipantDear Emma:
I am sorry that you’ve been going through a tough time since we talked last 😔
As I read through our communication since June this year, I could see how I heavily I used Copilot (AI) in my replies to you, which explains the perfect grammar and upbeat attitude when I didn’t feel upbeat. I’ve been using Copilot for ten months (in my ten years of participation in the forums) and most recently, I stopped and what you get is just me, back to my imperfect grammar and expressing .. me.
I thought that AI- in the context of replies to members- was working with me as a team, enhancing my intelligence, but what I found out, after 10 months of daily use, is that it dimmed my personal intelligence, so now I am recovering.
You wrote yesterday, “Wow, what you are describing about how healthy boundaries can feel like threats”- I tried to locate where I shared about that but couldn’t find it. Can you tell me what you mean by this sentence?
Thank you for your continued empathy, Emma! In regard to my mother, I don’t feel like talking about her anymore, not at this point anyway.
In regard to OCD.. did we talk about you receiving professional treatment for it? I don’t remember..
Please feel free to express your thoughts and feeling about any part of what I shared here.
Looking forward to reading back from you
🫶🌿 Anita
anitaParticipantYou are welcome, and thank you 🕊️☘️🌈
anitaParticipantWelcome back to the tiny buddha forums, Q 😊
As to your questions, my answer: empathy for yourself. Second guessing yourself and upsetting yourself over what you cannot change (you can’t go back in time and redo things) is a form of suffering, isn’t it?
As much as you ever loved or cared for your ex, or anyone else in your life, love and care for yourself. Avoid putting yourself through unnecessary suffering simply because you don’t want someone you care for to suffer.
Learn from mistakes but without the suffering.
Does this make sense to you, Q?
🌿 Anita
anitaParticipantDear Jana:
Like I expressed a short while ago, in my first post in the forums today, I am moving on from any and all conflict in the forums. I am taking in all that I learned recently and my intent is to put it into practice today and every day that follows.
I don’t want to revisit history of conflicts, not here and not on email.
Having said that, I want to encourage you to express yourself here in the forums, to be more active- if it suits you, to make your voice heard. I don’t own this space (the tiny buddha forums) any more than you do. This is a shared space and all are welcome.
Does this, what I wrote here, reads reasonable to you?
🌿 Anita
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 