Dear Tom:

You posted the above on Oct 1, 10:19 am, Singapore time, right?

Only 25 min ago..

You’ll make it through, Tom. Try to make the best of it. Focus on the positives…And post here, anytime you feel like it. I am here!

🌿 🤍 Anita (Sept 30, 7:44 pm here, U.S.)

You are welcome, Jana, and thank you for stopping by this morning (here, U.S.), your afternoon (Czechia).

Good to read that you are feeling peaceful and calm, like autumn 🍂🌻🍁

🤗 back to you!

Dear me:

It made me smile (my first smile of this Monday, feeling sad that the socially busy weekend is over) when I read about the good, playful times the two of you had, particularly when I imagined your eyes meeting through the holes in the box 🙂

Thank you for sharing about these good times, good memories!

I am looking forward to reading from you again, another time, another thread.

Please take good care of yourself!

🤍🌿 Anita

Dear Milda:

You are very welcome, and thank you for your appreciation and kindness ❤️

As I was reading the second paragraph of your post right above, the image of a child touching a hot stove for the first time came to my mind. Developing the image: the kid didn’t know how it would feel to touch a hot stove until she touched it. She never thought about it, didn’t consider it. She touches it. Consequence: the alarming, painful sensation of burning. She moves her hand ASAP away from the stove. From then on, she remembers and doesn’t touch a stove until she makes sure it’s not hot.

Similarly, in the beginning, you didn’t know that saying “no” was.. like touching a hot stove, didn’t even cross your mind, so you said “no”. Consequence: the alarming, painful sensation of guilt and shame. (“when I had situations where I said ‘no’ and my parents guilt tripped me for that, said something shameful, insulting”)

From then on, you remember. You don’t say “no”, and you want to make sure the stove is not hot/ you make sure they’re not angry with you (“a signal: do something so they are not angry with you”).

The touching a hot stove story makes sense. It really is, objectively, dangerous to touch a hot stove and keep the hand there.
On the other hand, it is healthy and helpful to say “no” and set boundaries. But alas! The kid is punished for healthy behaviors, and the result: doing what’s healthy feels dangerous.

What to do?

Maybe understand more, for one, how wrong it is for a parent to guilt trip and shame a child for something healthy. A post ago, you wrote: “I do not blame anyone”. For the purpose of healing, it might be helpful to assign blame where it clearly belongs.

Anger is a natural response to being wronged (guilt-tripped, shamed and insulted for healthy behaviors). Anger may give you the strength, or courage to reclaim your human right to say “no” and set healthy boundaries.

Not Anger Forever. Not explosive, or abusive anger. Just enough of it to counter the fear (“To start feeling scared and still act in a new healthy way.”), and to give the “bad” that they threw at you back to them (“I believe this is the biggest issue- that I feel scared, I feel a bad daughter (by my parents terms)”)

For the longest time, I had this core belief, set so early on by being repeatedly guilt-tripped, shamed and insulted by my mother, that I was a BAD daughter. For many years I tried so hard to become a good daughter (by my mother’s terms), but never accomplished that goal.

Fast forward, I handed her the BAD (in regard to the guilt-tripping and shaming), and the result: no more bad for me to carry (in regard to having been guilt-tripped and shamed by her). The bad is for the one inflicting shame to carry, not for the victim of the infliction to carry.

What do you think, Milda?

🌿 🤍 Anita

Thank you for being kind and gracious. I appreciate you, Going Through Life!

Please take all the time that you need to take.

🤍🌿 Anita

Rereading the above, Going Through Life, maybe I asked too many questions 🙁..

Dear Tom:

You might enjoy Singapore Botanic Gardens (so I read), or St. John’s Island or Lazarus Island: accessible by ferry, these offshore escapes offer peaceful beaches and walking trails. Great for a day of solitude with the possibility of light interaction with fellow nature lovers.

You might enjoy quiet cafes, tucked-away cafés perfect for solo brunches or reading. Maybe The Book Café or Kreams Krafthouse for their cozy ambiance. (.. So, I read)- these are the things I would enjoy if I was there.

🕊️🙂 Anita