Dear t:

You are welcome! “Growing up my mother never communicated but expected me to read her mind and anticipate her moods and needs. If I didn’t do this, she would blow up and yell, throw things, etc. As a result I have a tendency to mind read others and try to keep them happy, and I assume a lot from little things“- it is as if I am reading about my mother and myself, same thing. What a coincidence.

“My boyfriend… is a very different person from my mother and would never become angry like that, but his behavior has similarities that put me on edge… he’s made a genuine effort to understand me and work on changing his behavior. He did promise to text back faster…“- it will take a combination of him being considerate of what puts you on edge and you healing from your childhood experience with your mother. Without dedication to healing on your part, no matter how hard he tries and for how long, it will not be enough.

“Emotional regulation is what I’m really struggling with… I am trying the normal things to calm down – taking walks, exercising, distraction, meditating, spending time with friends – which have helped a little but often just result in me crying in public.“- did you ever attend therapy? If so, what was the experience like?

anita

Dear antarkala:

Still trying to answer your question from yesterday (“Why does he want me sooooo badly?“), in connection to his childhood. I re-read some of what you shared in this thread.

March 26: “My boyfriend’s dad, in his words, has not been a great father since his childhood. He did not work hard and did not proactively provide for the family“- growing up, your boyfriend did not have a strong male father figure in his life.

Growing up, you took on the role of a strong father male figure. I wrote to you back on March 27: “seems to me, antarkala, that your role reversal situation was that of you being your mother’s.. father, teaching her to stand up for herself, to act confidently and assertively, a parenting job traditionally done by the father in the family… for the purpose of helping her/ strengthening her, (you) took on the manly traditional role. So much so, that you even walked in a manly way“.

(In regard to walking in a manly way, I was referring to what you shared: “My school teacher once described me as a lady don to my dad and I once remember one of my teachers telling me my walk is too manly“).

On March 25, you wrote in regard to your boyfriend: “Initially, I did get thoughts like ‘maybe he is not strong enough’… “I don’t think he is manly enough’“.

My response to the quote right above was: “what this is telling me is that you need to..  finally not be The Strong One, to.. finally have someone else be the strong one, so that you can relax“.

In your reply to the above, on March 30, you posted: “‘Finally have someone else to be the strong one…. So that I can relax’ – in one sentence, this is all I want. You really understood where I’m coming from“.

It seems to me that his attraction to you may have to do with your appearance of male strength, such that he didn’t have growing up, a role you took on when you were growing up. But it’s only a role. You need a partner who will appear or actualize male strength, hence your dissatisfaction with him.

In your very first post, on March 23, you wrote: “we have been in a relationship for more than a year, I always felt something was missing since the beginning“. In your most recent post on July 29, you wrote: “since the beginning of the relationship whenever we catch up I am always telling her ‘there is something missing and the reason is him and it bothers me that he does not fight back or puts up with it’”- the missing-something may be the missing appearance or actualizing of male strength on his part.

You need him to be the strong male figure so that you can abandon your strong-male-figure role and relax into a female role, while he needs you.. to continue your strong-male role?

* When I mention male and female in this post, I am referring to masculine and feminine energies that exist in both genders.

anita

Dear anonymous:

You are welcome! “While meditating those thoughts come back and I end up fighting with them… While for a certain moment I… feel calm. Then there are triggers and I get engulfed by fear, anxiety, guilt, shame and helplessness. Waking up in the morning is the worst time“- your brain is in the habit of getting engulfed by fear, anxiety, guilt and shame. It is difficult to break habits. It takes persistence and patience. It’s about extending the moments of calm over time.

About shame, can you elaborate on how it feels, for you, what thoughts are involved in the feeling?

anita

Dear antarkala:

I’m back earlier than I thought I’d be.

“Why does my boyfriend put up with everything…  Why doesn’t he ever say “I don’t need this in my life, you can be with me if you want to or no”. He always says I am trying to work on this, work on that, etc.… why?.. Why does he want me sooooo badly? It bothers me“-

– my guess: he wants the approval of someone who disapproved of him at an early age, a disapproving parent, and because you too disapprove of him, he projects the disapproving parent into you, and is trying to .. finally win (the parent’s) approval by proxy of you.

What do you think about my guess?

anita

Dear Clara:

You are welcome!  “Last night when I went home and my first sight was the sofa, and that I see images of her sitting there… I cried so hard. But I felt today, I am more able to face that image again, like I have cried over the idea that she would ever sit in that sofa“- you are gradually accepting a new reality. It takes time to accept and adjust. You are doing well.

“I already booked a therapy session, to review this“- good thing, well done!

“I am 41 this year, and I feel nervous yet quite excited, to finally do this. It will be a small pattern on my arm“- I am excited for you!

“I think I have learned a lot this month“- I focus on learning in my own life every day, and it makes my life better!

“Another thing that I thought of, is to adopt a cat/dog. I have been wanting to do this for a while, but then she doesn’t really like animals. Now that she is gone, I might proceed with a cat/ dog. I want to give these otherwise abandoned animals a proper home“- a new tattoo, a new pet.. I am excited for your new beginnings,  and for the fortunate pet who will be taken in by you!

anita

Dear Clara:

“When I asked later that night to ask her move her stuff asap, she broke into tears…she said it was hard for her to let go also, but she doesn’t have feelings for me”-

– it is hard for her to let go of what: not of feelings she doesn’t have for you, and not of financial benefits.. maybe she is attached to your house itself, to the furniture, the neighborhood..?

“the idea of asking me to leave the house after breakup is pretty inconsiderate to me“- yes, it is inconsiderate. Maybe this is evidence that she is attached to your house.

“it is confusing for me… this is so tough really“- confusion is part of what so tough for you. Maybe if you find out what it is that she has trouble letting go of, you will be less confused..?

anita

Dear Clara:

“When she really needs to move things, she seems pretty devastated, I am really unsure why and how should I react to it“- it’s possible that she is devastated, not by the breakup of the relationship, but by having to move out: having to find a different place to live. Maybe she didn’t pay you any rent or expenses, and will have to pay such in the next place. Maybe she paid little rent & such to you, and will have to pay significantly more elsewhere, and that’s what’s devastating her..?

anita

Dear Arie:

It’s okay that you took long to respond, I appreciate reading back from you!

Your choice to not attend gatherings where Amy and her boyfriend are present reads reasonable to me, very reasonable.

“she was never a true friend to me like my childhood best friend was (now deceased)“- I bet you miss your true friend very much. How did it feel, at the time, to have a true friend?

“even if I did apologize and attend parties where they will be, there still will be a lot of friction and tension in the air.  So its best  I stay far away.“- I agree, better stay away from friction and tension whenever possible: for your peace of mind, and for the peace of mind of the people who do care about you and who treat you well.

anita