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anitaParticipantDear Elizabeth:
First off, I want to say that you’ve been really strong in handling so much— your health, emotions, and challenging family dynamics. You’ve done a lot for others, and it’s okay to put yourself first now.
It’s completely valid to not want to attend the wedding, especially since it could harm your well-being. You don’t owe anyone more than what you’ve already given.
Here’s a way you could approach the conversation with your husband:
Start by showing you care about his feelings: “I know this wedding is important to you, and I support you going.”
Share your reasons calmly: “For me, attending would be too much with my health and how I’ve been feeling lately. The loud, crowded space and food situation make it hard for me.”
Reassure him you’re not trying to create conflict: “I want to help you get ready to go, but I need to stay back to take care of myself.”
Stand firm with kindness: “I hope we can respect each other’s choices on this and not let it cause any tension between us.”
Let him know you’ll send your love and support from home, and maybe add a personal note or gesture for the couple.
Spend the time he’s away doing something relaxing or fun for yourself.
Remember, you’ve done more than enough over the years to keep the peace. It’s okay to protect your own health and peace of mind now. Sending you strength and support!
anita
anitaParticipantDear Peter and Everyone:
I’d like to take some time this Wednesday morning to respond to your post, Peter, part by part:
“You have come a long way dealing with the experiences of your past and it.”- Thank you, Peter, for your kind acknowledgment. I truly appreciate it.
“Similarly to your experience I associate anger with abuse and loss of control.”- I believe the key is finding ways to express anger respectfully and with self-control.
“The question I ask myself is once anger has gotten our attention do we need to hold onto it… If we use the energy of anger is there a danger we become what we are protecting ourselves from? Today world events show that to be a truth.”- I agree. When a victim of abuse expresses anger abusively, it creates a tragic cycle where the victim risks becoming the victimizer.
“‘Anger has that peculiar quality of isolation; like sorrow, it cuts one off, and for the time being, at least, all relationship comes to an end…’ – Krishnamurti”- Perhaps it’s abusive expressions of anger that isolate and end relationships. On the other hand, could anger expressed respectfully— perhaps even with empathy— strengthen relationships instead of breaking them? I feel much of our fear of anger stems from how often it is expressed abusively, both in personal lives and on a global scale.
“Looking into my anger… yes there is a fear of isolation, separation, shame, lots of shame… even when I was the victim of others’ anger and cruelty not deserved. That this fear leaves me feeling angry and depressed. An anger that instead of empowering me to action empowered shame.”- Anger and shame seem so closely connected here. I wonder— did you, growing up or later on, experience being shamed for expressing anger? Perhaps for your facial expression or even a slight change in your tone? Please don’t feel obligated to answer, unless you feel comfortable, but it’s something I’ve been reflecting on.
“Krishnamurti goes on to say ‘It is the explanation, the verbalization, whether silent or spoken, that sustains anger’”- This makes me think: could it be that shame around feeling angry is what sustains it? If anger were given space to breathe— free from judgment— might it dissipate on its own rather than struggle for air?
“I tend to hold on to anger as a shield and or pretense of bravado. Anything to avoid dealing with the experience directly or looking/feeling weak.”- I wonder if, for many of us, anger becomes a coping mechanism to shield us from confronting deeper emotions like shame.
“By forgiveness I do not mean forgive and forget but the process towards an honest Yes to life as it is.”- I really like this sentiment. Perhaps this could also mean embracing a shameless identity— one where we fully accept ourselves without self-judgment.
“Finally, Krishnamurti says, ‘Anger cannot be got rid of by the action of will, for will is part of violence… To be free from violence, which is not the cultivation of non-violence, there must be the understanding of desire.'”- This resonates with me deeply. It seems to suggest that suppressing anger with willpower only transforms it into another form of violence. True freedom from anger might come through understanding the desires and motivations driving it— a call for inner reflection rather than outward control.
As I reflect this Wednesday afternoon, I feel a hint of the rage I’ve carried from experiencing abuse— rage at having been degraded, humiliated, and at passively submitting to it. There is shame not only in having been abused but also in those moments of submission. My desire now is to stand tall and affirm my worth— equal to anyone else’s. My hope is to let go of shame and never submit to abuse again.
Equally, I feel a desire to not perpetuate shame or abuse toward anyone else.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Kris:
Your thread inspired me to explore the topic of friends with benefits (FWB) further. I’d love to hear your thoughts on the brief research I’ve compiled below, and I hope it might offer some help as you seek comfort and clarity on this situation (referencing the title of your thread, “Looking for comfort and clarity on this situation”):
Historically, casual sexual relationships have existed in various forms, but the term “friends with benefits” gained popularity in the late 20th century, particularly with the rise of dating apps and media portrayals. Wikipedia in its entry on the topic says that the earliest known use of the term was in the 1995 song “Head Over feet” where one of the lines is: “you’re my best friend, best friend with benefits.”
FWB relationships are typically ongoing arrangements between friends who engage in intimacy without committing to a romantic relationship. While some FWB arrangements might evolve into traditional romantic relationships, this isn’t a defining feature— it depends entirely on the individuals involved and their mutual feelings over time.
One-night stands and hookups, on the other hand, are usually short-term, often one-time encounters with no expectation of an ongoing connection, let alone a romantic relationship. They’re more about spontaneity and physical attraction than emotional or relational depth.
From psypost. org/ longitudinal-study-suggests-friends-with-benefits-relationships-work-out-best-for-those-hoping-to-transition-to-friendship: “An online survey was completed by 192 people currently in a friends with benefits relationship (FWBR). All subjects were assessed during an initial survey where they were asked certain things about their FWBR, including how they hoped the relationship would evolve — into friendship, into a romantic relationship, dissipate altogether, or stay the same.
“Most subjects (48%) hoped their FWBR would stay the same, while a quarter of them (25%) hoped that it would turn into a romantic relationship. Smaller numbers of people wanted it to transition to a regular friendship free of sex (12%) or no relationship at all (4%).
“Around 10 months later, subjects took part in a follow-up survey where they were questioned on how their FWBR had evolved… Those who were the least likely to see the relationship outcome they wanted were those who had said they wanted it to transition into romance — only 15% of those who wanted romance saw it happen…
“A reported lack of communication between partners was related to an increased likelihood of the relationship dissipating altogether, suggesting that if partners want to stay in any kind of relationship at all, communication is crucial. ‘Whereas communication is important to all relationship outcomes, it is likely even more important than in traditional romantic relationships,’ the authors emphasize, ‘because FWBRs lack a guiding cultural script to define the roles and trajectory… Machia and colleagues conclude that both communication and aligned expectations are critical for an FWBR to end well.”
anita
anitaParticipantDear Zenith:
You’re most welcome! Thank you for being so open and honest in sharing your thoughts. Acknowledging these challenges is a courageous step, and I truly admire your dedication to improving your health and well-being.
Regarding your diet and IBS: while you can use traditional Indian spices when cooking for your husband, for yourself, you might explore IBS-friendly ways to season your food. Fresh herbs like basil, parsley, or dill; gentle spices like cinnamon or turmeric; or even a touch of lemon can add flavor without upsetting your gut. Ingredients like fennel, ginger, and mint are also great options that are both gut-friendly and versatile.
On working remotely: it’s completely understandable to feel more anxious when working alone since the presence of colleagues can be grounding and comforting. To make remote work more manageable, consider creating a soothing home environment, perhaps with calming background sounds or by arranging virtual co-working sessions with a colleague. Small adjustments like these can help make working from home feel less isolating.
As for feeling uneasy about solitude, it’s entirely natural to seek comfort in company, especially when dealing with anxiety. Strengthening your relationship with yourself takes time, but incorporating simple, enjoyable activities—such as journaling, crafting, or gentle stretching—into your alone time can be helpful. Being present in the moment during these activities can make solitude feel more nourishing and less intimidating.
Zenith, your resilience and commitment to addressing these challenges are truly admirable. If there’s anything more you’d like to share or if there’s a specific way I can assist you, know that I’m always here for you.
anita
March 12, 2025 at 10:06 am in reply to: I snooped on my boyfriend's phone and found something. #444084anitaParticipantDear Kim:
Thank you for bringing up this thread. Lucy, the original author of this thread, was 22 years old when she first shared her thoughts on tiny buddha on January 9, 2015— over ten years ago. Throughout her communication with the members who replied to her, Lucy was incredibly kind and gracious. For instance, on January 24, 2015, she wrote: “Thank you SO much to ALL who posted on here!!! Each and every message was so kind and supportive and I almost teared up because I was overwhelmed by these wonderful messages, thank you!”
I wasn’t a member of the forums when Lucy first posted, but I had the opportunity to communicate with her between June 2015 and 2017. It was such a pleasure engaging with her during that time, and I dearly wish I could hear from her again.
On October 20, 2015, in her thread titled “Stuck at 23,” Lucy shared: “I know I’m still young, but I’m stuck in between two worlds: the world I am so familiar with where finding somebody and marriage would definitely be on the agenda, and the world where I just want to experience the world, meet new people, and end up finding somebody myself who I deem suitable for ME… I’m spending my days trying to live up to everyone else’s expectations instead of living my own life for me.”
I wonder what has happened in Lucy’s life since then. It would truly be a privilege to know. I hope to read from Lucy again someday.
Kim, I believe this is your first post in the forums, isn’t it? I’d love to hear more from you as well.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Zenith: I’ll reply Wed morning. Till then please take good care of yourself, and little to no spicy food “one day at a time,” like they say in AA.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Peter:
Your reflection on anger is deeply thought-provoking and insightful. Thank you for sharing such a nuanced perspective— you’ve touched on profound and meaningful ideas about anger.
I resonate strongly with your observation that anger’s energy can take our attention rather than get it. That aligns with my own experiences— how anger can sometimes feel so overwhelming that it overshadows clarity, blocking my ability to see things clearly or make rational decisions. It’s a powerful force that can dominate our minds if we let it.
It’s true that many of us don’t have good examples of how to handle anger in a healthy way. So often, stories in our culture portray anger as something that escalates conflict rather than resolving it. Unfortunately, these portrayals don’t show us how to process anger constructively.
When you wrote, “I wonder if there are two kinds of anger that I’m wrestling with here…. The mundane ego experience of anger and that which is of the soul. How the two get all mixed together to confuse things. (Your experience with your mother would be a soul anger),” I found that distinction fascinating. I hadn’t thought about anger in this way before, and I’d like to reflect more on it and expand the idea:
Ego anger is tied to how we see ourselves and how we expect others to treat us. It’s usually fleeting, reactive, and impulsive. It tends to surface in moments where we feel disrespected, insulted, or ignored, and it’s often about protecting or asserting our ego— our sense of “me.”
Examples: Feeling anger when a friend forgets my birthday and I interpret it as them not caring about me, or when someone skips ahead of me in line at the grocery store, leaving me feeling disrespected or frustrated.
Soul anger, on the other hand, comes from a deeper place— it’s a reaction to profound injustices or violations of core values, dignity, or safety. This type of anger is more enduring and emotionally intense. It’s tied to experiences that resonate with our inner moral compass or deeply held wounds. When processed constructively, it can inspire meaningful change or deep self-reflection. However, if left unresolved, it can weigh heavily on us.
Examples: Feeling anger toward a parent who was abusive or neglectful, tied to a deep sense of betrayal and harm; anger at seeing vulnerable groups mistreated or exploited, which can motivate advocacy or activism; or anger when witnessing environmental destruction, as it clashes with values about protecting the planet.
Key Differences: Ego anger is usually about personal slights or frustrations and is surface-level, often tied to everyday irritations. Soul anger, in contrast, arises from a deeper sense of injustice or moral violation, tied to enduring wounds or values. While ego anger might push us to defend our pride or assert control, soul anger often calls us to act in the name of justice or to protect what matters most.
Soul anger, like what I experienced in my relationship with my mother, feels deeply tied to a sense of justice and betrayal. But as you wisely noted, holding onto anger— whether ego or soul— can harm us and even risk turning us into what we are trying to avoid.
I can also relate to the fear and shame you described feeling alongside anger. It’s not easy to unpack those emotions, and I admire the way you’ve worked through them and found empathy for your younger self. That kind of self-compassion is truly inspiring.
Forgiveness as a way to release resentment is something that deeply resonates with me too. I love how you framed it—not as “forgive and forget,” but as a way to fully accept life as it is and move forward. That perspective feels so freeing and powerful.
Thank you again for sharing your thoughts and these quotes. They’ve given me a lot to think about, and I’m so grateful for this opportunity to learn from your perspective. I’ll continue reflecting on your post and share more thoughts with you tomorrow.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Alessa:
Your openness and courage shine through in your words. It takes immense strength to look at such complex emotions and patterns from your past, and even more so to work toward understanding and healing them.
What you shared about how anger was shaped by your childhood experiences— how it was dangerous to express, how it was buried and misdirected— is incredibly powerful. It’s amazing how adaptive children can be, finding ways to survive even the most challenging circumstances. But as you’ve pointed out so insightfully, those survival strategies sometimes become roadblocks in adulthood.
The connection you’ve made between anger, anxiety, and other emotions is profound. Understanding that anger can be a secondary emotion—tied to feelings like fear, hurt, or powerlessness— offers a path to addressing what’s underneath. Your awareness that misfires of anger or anxiety don’t always signal real present-day threats is a huge step toward reclaiming your sense of safety and calm.
Your commitment to breaking unhealthy patterns, like blaming or criticizing when hurt, is inspiring. Reflecting on one’s own behavior instead of focusing on others is no small feat, especially when past pain complicates the present. And your mantra practice— it’s beautiful to hear how it’s helping you let go of resentment.
You articulated something so essential about human conflict: that it often stems from hurt people perpetuating hurt, and that adding more pain doesn’t help. Your belief in kindness, even in conflict, speaks volumes about the compassion and wisdom you’ve cultivated through your journey.
Alessa, your growth and self-awareness are a testament to the resilience of the human spirit. Thank you for sharing your experiences so vulnerably and for the blessings you’ve sent my way. I feel truly grateful for the connection and strength in your words.
anita
anitaParticipantThank you for the prayer Alessa.
Here is a prayer-poem for you, for me, for everyone:
Whispers of Peace:
In the hush of the heart, a calm is found,
Where echoes of conflict make no sound.
A gentle hand, an open mind,
Peace with others, and peace aligned.Let words be bridges, not walls that bind,
And sow the seeds of love, unconfined.
For in each soul, a light can gleam,
Peaceful together, peaceful apart.anita
anitaParticipantThank you Peter and Alessa for caring to honor my thread with your valuable input. I am looking forward to thoroughly read and reply further tomorrow.
Anita
anitaParticipantDear GIGI:
I came across your post today, March 10, and I’m really glad you chose to share your thoughts here. It takes a lot of courage to open up about such deeply personal struggles, and I want to acknowledge the strength it took for you to write this.
I can absolutely relate to the two challenges you mentioned. In my case, it stemmed from my mother expressing suicidal thoughts to me when I was younger. As a result, I too spent countless nights thinking about her dying. Sometimes, I would pray to the stars in the night sky, wishing for her to stay alive.
When it comes to sex, my mother expressed very negative and judgmental views about it, and this had a lasting effect on me. Like you, I developed my own critical and uncomfortable thoughts around the topic. In fact, even typing the word “sex” feels difficult for me.
I wonder if any part of this resonates with your story. If it feels right for you, I’d love to hear more about your thoughts or experiences.
anita
anitaParticipant* Dear Roberta:
It’s so nice to see you back on the forums! I truly appreciated your comment about the poem. I’ve missed reading your replies—they’ve always been so straightforward yet full of compassion. I was also wondering how your father is doing. I hope to see you posting more often again.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Kris:
Thank you for sharing your feelings— it takes strength to be so open about what you’re going through. It sounds like this situation brought up a lot of emotions, from excitement and hope to disappointment and frustration, and it’s completely valid to feel the way you do.
It seems like you were approaching this casual relationship with good intentions, looking for both intimacy and a connection, but it’s hard when the other person’s actions don’t match what you were hoping for. It sounds like he’s conflicted about what he wants, but his actions—like being flaky and now focusing on someone else— haven’t aligned with the consistency you deserve.
I also think you’re being too hard on yourself about how the last conversation went. You were just being honest, and it’s not wrong to share your perspective, even if he didn’t take it well. It’s natural to feel disappointed or frustrated in that moment, especially when you’ve been open and understanding with him.
It also sounds like there’s a deeper challenge here— feeling isolated without friends or family close by. That loneliness can make situations like this feel even heavier. I think moving closer to your family, as you mentioned, could be a great step toward building the support system you need. In the meantime, maybe exploring local groups, hobbies, or events could help you meet new people and create a sense of community.
This experience may feel overwhelming right now, but you’ve shown a lot of self-awareness and emotional strength in reflecting on it. Be kind to yourself as you process everything, and remember this situation doesn’t define you or your worth.
If you ever need to talk, I’m here to listen. You’re not alone.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Substantial:
I see a lot of similarities between your relationship with your mother and my own experiences with mine. As I reread your posts this morning, one particular pattern stood out to me: the guilt that comes with trying to assert independence from a controlling mother.
I noticed this guilt in your February 21 post about breaking up with your girlfriend, where you wrote: “I will hold myself accountable for the hurt I caused her by breaking up, making me feel guilty… I will blame myself for… giving her hopes for a future together, and then taking it all away. I will feel really guilty for breaking her heart and causing her all the pain.”
While I understand your girlfriend is a different person from your mother, I see this guilt as being tied to something bigger—your feelings about “breaking away” from your mother. Do you think the guilt you feel about asserting independence from your mother has extended into other areas of your life, such as your guilt over breaking up with your girlfriend?
You asked me if I’ve found ways to navigate this dynamic or heal from it. For me, the guilt of separating myself from my mother has been overwhelming. It’s caused me decades of emotional pain. For years, I felt trapped in what I can only describe as a mental prison of guilt.
My mother was generally a weak and submissive person. I wanted to be strong for her, to help her become stronger, and I tried my best to do so. Hurting her feelings was the last thing I wanted. But over time, I realized something important: she did become “strong” in her relationship with me—but it came at my expense. She became strong by making me weak.
When she guilt-tripped me repeatedly, telling me that even small acts of asserting independence were hurtful to her, it left a deep emotional scar. Her words made me feel as though wanting to live my own life or make my own choices was selfish and wrong. Over time, this guilt wore me down because it attacked my core desire to be a good daughter and a good person.
When I read your descriptions of your mother, I see similarities. You mentioned how she’s been weak in her relationship with your father: “I have seen my mother cry a countless number of times and always felt helpless.” You also shared how you tried to make her stronger by encouraging her to leave or live separately for her own peace, but she never did. You wrote: “I have tried to convince my mom several times to consider divorce or just living separately for some peace, but she never did, afraid of what society might think.”
It seems that while your mother feels powerless in her relationship with your father and society, she expresses “strength” in her relationship with you, often in a controlling or manipulative way. You described how she handles your boundaries: “She can’t take my NO for an answer and would passively force me into things… She creates drama and breaks out emotionally as if I insulted or hurt her by saying things like, ‘Of course, you are never there for your mother.’… All my ‘no’s’ turn into a horrid situation where she starts telling me I don’t love or value her.”
This dynamic is unfortunately common. A parent who feels powerless in other adult relationships may assert control over a child because it’s easier. It’s harmful because it exploits the child’s natural love and trust, creating a cycle of guilt, confusion, and emotional dependency. If you’re interested, there’s research on this dynamic, and I’d be happy to discuss it further with you.
To answer your earlier question—if I’ve found ways to deal with the guilt or conflict—I’ll be honest: I wasn’t able to maintain a relationship with my mother without it being at my expense. No matter how hard I tried to create a healthier dynamic, it didn’t work. For me, and I’m not suggesting this is what you should do, I eventually ended all contact with her later in life. It was extremely difficult, and I carried guilt about it for years. Looking back, I wish I’d done it earlier and had more support in making that decision because society, especially in traditional contexts, often frowns on cutting ties with a parent.
That said, here’s my advice for you at this point:
* Recognize That Guilt Isn’t Always Valid: Wanting to make your own choices doesn’t mean you’re a bad person or a bad son.
* Set Boundaries in Small Steps: Start with small “no’s” and calmly explain your reasons. Be consistent. While your mother might react emotionally at first, over time, she might adjust to the idea that you’re standing firm.
* Find Support Outside the Family: Lean on friends, mentors, or a therapist who can help you process your feelings and provide guidance.
* Create Independence Where You Can: If moving out isn’t an option, focus on building emotional and physical independence while living at home. Pursue hobbies, relationships, or goals that are meaningful to you.
* Redefine What It Means to Be a Good Son: Being a good son doesn’t mean sacrificing your happiness or always saying yes. It means living authentically and treating yourself and others with respect.
* Consider Therapy for Deeper Healing: Therapy can help you work through the guilt and anxiety, navigate your relationship with your mother, and build confidence in setting boundaries.
* Understand Her Behavior Isn’t About You: Your mother’s actions likely reflect her own unresolved issues, not something you’ve done wrong. Understanding this might help you separate her emotions from your own.
This process takes time, so be patient with yourself. You deserve to make decisions that are right for you and to live a fulfilling, independent life. It doesn’t mean you love or respect your mother any less—it just means you’re taking care of yourself too.
You’ve already shown so much strength in dealing with these challenges. I hope you find a way forward that brings you peace. You’re not alone in this.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Arie:
I’m glad to see you post again, though I’m sorry it’s still under such difficult circumstances. I looked back at what you shared in your earlier threads, “BROTHER AND BEST FRIEND WRONGLY ACCUSED ME” (March 2022) and “Fake friend…or a jealous friend” (May-July 2024), to understand everything you’ve been through.
It’s clear this ongoing conflict with your brother, Amy, and Amy’s boyfriend has taken a big toll on you. I can imagine how exhausting and frustrating it must be. It’s completely understandable to feel hurt and angry, especially when your brother seems to downplay your feelings and continues to prioritize a guy who has caused so much trouble.
From what you’ve shared, Amy’s behavior has consistently been passive-aggressive, immature, and divisive. It seems like her insecurities and jealousy have created a lot of unnecessary drama over the years. Her boyfriend’s behavior only adds to the tension—his actions, including the incident with the gun, show a pattern of dangerous and disrespectful behavior. It’s frustrating that your brother defends them instead of recognizing how their actions have impacted you and the rest of the family.
As for Easter, it’s completely fair to take your time deciding whether to go. If you do attend, focusing on your parents or other supportive family members while keeping a distance from Amy and her boyfriend could help minimize stress. On the other hand, if it feels unsafe or emotionally draining, it’s okay to skip it. Your well-being is more important than showing up to a gathering that could make things worse.
I know you’ve put a lot of effort into trying to maintain peace, even when others haven’t met you halfway. It’s okay to step back and protect your own peace—there’s no need to keep trying when it’s not being reciprocated.
If you need to talk or share more, I’m here for you. Whatever you decide about Easter, I hope you find some calm and support during the holiday. You deserve that!
anita
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 