Dear Helcat: I hope that you will feel better very soon! I am impressed by all that you shared over time about being a mother.  Your son is fortunate to have you as his mother!

anita

* I am adding this note a few hours after I started this reply: this is a long post that may be difficult to read. In this post, I express my understanding of your situation. Please read patiently, taking breaks where you need. Accept the parts of my understanding that feel to be true to you, and reject the parts that don’t. If you feel distressed as a result of reading, feel free to stop reading at any time:

Dear Harry:

You are welcome. I re-read your previous posts and part of the two recent posts. In this reply I will quote from your recent posts but my understanding is based on your five posts in this thread.

“I do, however, keep facing extremely conflicting thoughts. One minute I love her, another minute I don’t know if I want to be with her“- I have a sense of the boy that you were growing up, naturally feeling very attached to a parent, or parents, trusting the parent, but then somehow betrayed (your trust violated) by the parent. And then feeling guilty about it, as if it was your fault that the parent violated your trust.

When I say betrayed, I don’t mean necessarily having been betrayed in ways that seem terrible from an adult point of view (POV), such as being severely beaten or left to starve. I mean betrayed in ways that feel terrible from a child’s POV.

I will give you an example of betrayal from my childhood that may not feel terrible from an adult POV (in comparison to being severely beaten, etc.), but it felt terrible from my POV as a child: when having guests over, my mother was oh, so very nice to the guests, including guests who were children, asking them questions about what they think, what they feel, and listening to their answers empathetically (or so it seemed), but she didn’t listen to me! (the exclamation mark indicates my anger still!). She never asked me questions about what In feel, what I think, what I want! (angry still…). It was as if I didn’t matter while other people mattered! (Angry indeed, still).

Back to you: “One minute I love her, another minute I don’t know if I want to be with her“- When significantly hurt/ conflicted in childhood, we keep re-living the same conflicted emotional experience of childhood, in the context of adult circumstances.

The quote above describes a conflicted emotional state: (1) you love/ feel attached to her, just like you felt for a parent (minus the sexual factor), (2) you feel hurt by and angry at her because you expect her to betray you like your parent did, (3) you feel guilty: angry at yourself for causing her expected future betrayal/ for deserving it.

The boy (Harry) is now an adult and attachment to people is understandably conflicted: when you feel attached to a woman, you also experience (sooner or later) a mix of emotions: love, hurt, anger and guilt. The love is natural; the hurt, anger and guilt are your emotional reactions to the act of betrayal in childhood that was inflicted on you.

“The thought of her with anyone else is horrible but then I feel like she deserves better than this“- the thought of her with anyone else feels horrible because you feel (from time to time) very attached to her. Feeling she deserves a better man is about the guilt in childhood re-awakening: the feeling, as a child, that you deserved the betrayal, that if you were a good boy, it wouldn’t have happened.

“She leaves soon and I’m getting more and more scared of when she does“- scared of how you felt as a child when the object of your attachment (a parent) left you, physically or emotionally..?

“When I’m with her I feel amazing, I don’t want to leave. Once I go home I begin to worry“- when you are with her, you forget to worry. When you are physically away from her, you worry.

“I trust her 100%“- sometimes you trust her 100%; at other times you trust her less, way less.

“I stupidly told her I loved her when I was with her 2 weeks ago“- stupidly because telling her that you love her = giving her the power to hurt/ betray you..?

“I felt it completely at the time and I cried when she said it back after a bit of a pause“- the pause was a problem for you, as in, why did she pause, perhaps she didn’t mean it?

“The last 2 girls I’ve been with have said it to me and didn’t mean it, and to be honest I don’t even know if this girl did“- I wrote the above before reading this sentence. So, yes, there is suspicion/ distrust, such that was born in childhood and extends into adulthood.

“I’m constantly doubting myself. I don’t know what’s wrong with me“- when I was conflicted and didn’t understand why, I was confused on top of conflicted, and felt that there was something very wrong with me.

“This girl is everything I’ve dreamed of. Literally“- but she represents someone who really did hurt you long ago.

“I know that if I end our relationship I’m going to be heartbroken over it even though it’s my decision. I can’t win either way“- conflicted and confused, attached to her on one hand, scared of her betraying you, on the other hand. If you end the relationship, you prevent betrayal. If you continue the relationship, you risk betrayal. A pickle indeed.

“I don’t know if this is relevant but I find myself watching adult videos of girls cheating on their boyfriends (made up for the scene of course) and after think to myself ‘what am I doing’. The thought of someone doing that to me is horrifying yet I find something arousing about it?“- the idea of betrayal is horrifying to  you, on one hand, but it arouses/ thrills you, on the other.. similar to many people watching horror movies: horrified and thrilled at the same time. Similar to people who are horrified of heights, yet are thrilled to climb mountains. Obviously, there is a connection in the brain between Fear and Thrill. Nothing peculiar to you.

“I do the same with my family and barely contact them if I’m not with them. When I am with them, it feels like they were never gone in the first place“- the family of origin = the origin of the conflict/ the distressing, confusing mix of attachment and distrust.

“I would also add that this happens with everyone. My previous relationships I’ve doubted things when I’ve not been with them“- the mix of attachment and distrust with family extends to women in the adult context.

“I’m also extremely impulsive and don’t tend to think in advance“- the more you understand yourself, the less conflicted and confused you will be, and the less impulsive you will be.

Being impulsive may be a result of being confused, as in: what’s the point of thinking in advance, when your thinking failed you so far (failed you because it didn’t result in understanding why you feel and act the ways you do).

“I know relationships and love aren’t perfect, but this just worries me. I miss feeling how I felt before I slept with the girl from work“- once you understand yourself better, you will trust your thinking and take the time and space to consider consequences  before you act. You will then forgive yourself for the impulsivity with the girl at work. You will place those events in the past, where they belong.

“I seem to have a habit of being really into something for a few months and then losing interest. I’m not sure if this will just keep happening again and again until I’m old and alone.“- understanding, really understanding cognitively and emotionally, will put an end to this pattern. Direct a source of light (cognitive and emotional understanding) into this pattern, and it will change.

In what I shared with you earlier in this post, you can see how hurt and angry I still am, decades after (betrayals of childhood do not get resolved by the passage of time alone). This indicates how much power is carried by “little” and big betrayals of childhood. Those betrayals still hurt, still make me angry, but I am no longer consumed by hurt and anger. I am no longer confused, no longer conflicted. I no longer feel guilty about my mother’s behaviors, and I no longer repeat certain patterns.

This can happen for you too as you shine light into what’s in the dark.

anita

Dear Zenith: I was wrong to think you might be back to the U.S., it’s a 2-month visit to India, so not back before August. How’s your stay with your mother and sister?

anita

Hey Zenith, good to read back from you. I am okay. Are you back in the U.S.?

anita

Dear Clara:

“I had this weird sense of relief knowing that ‘oh, that’s where it came from’ when I read the first two chapters“- it helps to understand that much of what we become is a bunch of  reactions to our growing-up experience, and that as humans, our responses are.. human: if there was another human on the face of the earth who experienced your exact childhood, he/ she would have reacted similarly, if not the identically.

“At this point, I am not very hopeful of our relationship, I cried yesterday…  I think I was grieving the relationship, or at least the relationship that I thought I had“- I know you are hurting, Clara, and I hope that soon you will feel better and better.

About grieving what you thought you had: how about grieving wishful thinking of all kinds, and commit to realistic thinking, that which is in the core of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Schema Therapy, which is an integrative therapy that evolved from CBT and other therapies..?

anita

How are you, Debs123?

anita

Dear Clara:

You are welcome, and thank you for your empathy and kindness. As I re-read the quotes this morning (before reading your recent post), the first one stood out to me: “You must learn to express your anger appropriately and constructively. Instead of continuing to let your anger control you, you must learn to use your anger to improve the relationships in your life.”- I don’t think I ever thought of anger as constructive or helpful in relationships/ interactions with people. To feel anger at another person was always a Problem for me, something too big, too threatening, like having a bomb within me and not knowing what to diffuse it. In my mind, the desired state of affairs was No Anger. Of course, I was angry a whole lot of the time, definitely stuck in a Hurt, Scared and Angry Child Mode.

I need to re-evaluate anger, to integrate (still feels strange to say it) constructive and helpful anger into my thinking, feeling, and interacting with others. Anger needs to no longer be something negative and BAD, in my mind, but something that can be positive and GOOD.

I like your scribble, Clara, very well articulated. I like your “you want to win this? or win your life back?” It makes me think of one of the quotes: “Remember, we want power to, not power over“- power to self-regulate: emotionally and behaviorally. To be emotionally healthy, a person has to experience a sense of personal power: not power over someone else, and not the power to suppress emotions, but the power to confidently and fairly assert oneself in the world.

“my emotion is my responsibility… do no engage in the negative blaming cycle“- I imagine that the next time you get angry (at A, let’s say) the tendency will be blame her for it, it’s a habit of the brain/ body.

“Is the lashing out legit“- I don’t think that lashing out (to suddenly hit someone, or to criticize someone very angrily) is ever legit except if your life is in physical danger, as far as hitting someone. Criticizing someone very angrily is not going to do any good to the criticized, as far as he/ she considering changing their behavior.

“emotions flow“- if we are healthy. When not, they are stuck inside us, and we are stuck with them, not free-flowing.

“practice trust – trust her with what she says“– like the blaming habit, distrusting is also a habit. It will take persistence through time to change this and other habits.

“the fearful and hurt child may sometime go wild, gives her lots of love and reassurance… and do not get affected by your emotions when they want to overwhelm you…  let them go, do not cling“- I didn’t allow anger to be, thought of it as something negative and bad, so  suppressed it for so long: no wonder it grew so BIG within me, overwhelming, threatening.

In between suppressing anger and lashing out, there must be a middle way: expressing it but not all of it, not the size/ intensity it grew to be.

anita

Dear Clara:

I looked up quotes from the books recommended to you (thank you, Helcat and Roberta!) and thought of sharing some with you:

Reinventing Your Life (Goodreads. com): “You must learn to express your anger appropriately and constructively. Instead of continuing to let your anger control you, you must learn to use your anger to improve the relationships in your life.”

“You probably accept a subordinate role in your relationships with family members, lovers, and friends. Undoubtedly this gives rise to anger (although you may not be aware of it). You like the security of these relationships, but you feel angry toward the people who provide it.”

“A lifetrap is a pattern or theme that starts in childhood and repeats throughout life. The theme might Abandonment or Mistrust or Emotional Deprivation or any of the others we described. The end result is that, as an adult, we manage to recreate the conditions of our childhood that were most harmful to us… our lifetraps were usually developed when we were children as appropriate adaptations to the family we lived in. These patterns were realistic when we were children; the problem is that we continue to repeat them when they no longer serve a useful purpose.”

“Lifetraps are long-term patterns. They are deeply ingrained, and like addictions or bad habits, they are hard to change. Change requires willingness to experience pain. You have to face the lifetrap head-on and understand it. Change also requires discipline. You have to systematically observe and change behaviours every day. Change cannot be hit-or-miss. It requires constant practice.”

Breaking Negative Thinking Patterns🙁therapy resources. org, PDF!!!):  “Does that sound familiar to you? Persistent patterns you just cannot get rid of? The same kind of feelings mixing up your life over and over again?… In the first part of this book we explain how you can explore the origins of your patterns. You will also discover your real needs and how you can meet them better. In Part II we will introduce methods to change your patterns step by step… The therapy that’s aiming to change your patterns is called schema therapy”.

“When you are in a Child Mode your reactions towards others can resemble the behavior of a child. Like a child, you may find it hard to control your impulses: you may start crying in a conversation with your boss, or you may slam the door in a fight with your partner…  When we are in a Child Mode feelings of sadness, anger, shame, or loneliness are exaggerated; it can be very difficult to calm down… People suffering from emotional problems usually experience Child Modes particularly intensely. Small triggers can evoke strong negative feelings, even if the incident is trivial from a more objective perspective… The intensity of
negative emotions seems disproportionate to the event. Moreover, it is really hard for a person in a child Mode to control those feelings and the related reactions”.

“2.2 Angry and Impulsive Child Modes…  are often triggered when you feel that your needs are not respected. However, unlike
the Vulnerable Child Mode, they are related to the so-called “hot” feelings, like anger and rage. Your behavior in this Mode might be angry or enraged… It is important to understand that the underlying needs are legitimate; it is absolutely normal
to get angry when your needs are not met! However, the behavior associated with this Mode is often inappropriate… When anger is dominant you experience intense annoyance or strong frustration when emotional needs (e.g., for acceptance or attention) are not met. This anger might come out in a very strong way, for example, as hurtful claims or sharp criticism. You may tend to “swallow” your anger. However, others may still sense it, even if it doesn’t come out so strongly”.

“What are the early warning signals of your Angry Child Mode? These may be very specific and individual, including bodily sensation (e.g. tensed shoulders) or, thoughts (“I’m fed up with all of this,” “You don’t give a damn about me”)… Sometimes a short break is the best you can do when you feel the Angry Child coming up… Use a calming symbol… e.g. a smooth stone to carry in your pocket)… Imagine a situation that triggers your Angry Child Mode and then imagine in detail how you would react differently..”.

Working with Anger (Spirituality and practice. com): “People’s attention so often goes to what is wrong that they fall into despair. Bombarded by the news, which primarily reports conflicts and catastrophes, they forget the continual kindness that people show each other. The rejoicing meditation is an antidote to this. It is easy to do and can be done anywhere. For example… While waiting at the dentist’s office, we can rejoice in the kindness of all dentists and in the help people receive from them, while also praying that everyone with dental problems has access to the help he needs. Upon hearing someone receiving an award for excellence, we can be pleased with their talent and others’ recognition of it… By each day making a mental note of our pleasure in others’ good fortune, well-being, virtue, and excellent qualities, we will become joyful… All in all, only good, no harm, will come from abandoning envy and instead rejoicing.”

Prescence (Goodreads. com): “focus less on the impression you’re making on others and more on the impression you’re making on yourself.”, “A confident person — knowing and believing in her identity — carries tools, not weapons.”,  “Remember, we want power to, not power over. We want to look confident and relaxed, not as though we’re trying our best to dominate. The goal is intimacy, not intimidation.”

“Presence emerges when we feel personally powerful, which allows us to be acutely attuned to our most sincere selves.”, “Ultimately, the only power to which man should aspire is that which he exercises over himself.”, “If you’re protecting yourself against harm—emotional harm or humiliation—you can’t be present, because you’re too protected.”, “Virtually everyone can recall a moment when they felt they were being true to themselves, but few can say they always feel that way.”.

End of quotes.

anita