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anitaParticipantDear Lady F:
I wanted to expand on my message from yesterday, now that I have more space to elaborate.
When someone is trapped in depression, their emotions can feel isolated, unheard, or even invalidated by those who—often with good intentions—try to “fix” them. But emotions don’t need fixing—they need space. You can support your sister by creating that space for her emotions in a way that feels safe and accepting.
Ways to Support Her:
1. Instead of offering her solutions, you might say:
“I hear you, and I can see how much you’re struggling.”
“It makes sense that you feel that way, and I’m here to listen.”
Hearing acceptance of her emotions without judgment can be deeply grounding and remind her that her feelings matter.
2. If she says things like “Nothing I do matters” or “I’ll never accomplish anything,” instead of contradicting her with statements like “You do matter!” or “You can accomplish anything you want!” (which may feel hard for her to accept), try shifting the perspective gently:
“I know it might feel that way right now. But I see so much in you, even if you can’t see it yet.”
“You’ve overcome more than you realize, and I believe in you.”
Small shifts like these plant seeds for future self-recognition, without forcing positivity when she isn’t ready for it.
3. Depression makes everything feel overwhelming, but gentle actions can slowly create movement:
Invite her to join you for a walk, a movie, or a quiet coffee outing—low-pressure activities that remind her she’s not alone.
Help her explore her dreams without pressure by asking gentle questions like, “What’s one small step toward something that matters to you?”
Offer non-verbal support, like sitting with her in silence or sending a lighthearted text if talking feels too difficult.
4. Take care yourself, as Alessa wisely suggested. Your own well-being matters too. If you need time to step away and recharge, you can let her know:
“I’m always here for you, and I care deeply. But I also need to take care of myself so I can keep showing up in the best way I can.”
Depression isn’t something anyone can fix, but love, presence, and validation can make a difference. Even if she struggles to see her worth right now, your steady support reminds her that it exists.
Sending you and your sister strength, Lady F. 💛
anita
anitaParticipantYou ARE loved and valued, Alessa, you DO deserve good things.
And so am I. I am loved and valued, and I do deserve good things.
Neither one of us is worthless, unlovable, deserving bad things.
We are worthy, Alessa: we are lovable, we are deserving of good things..!!!
Anita
anitaParticipant* edit: I think there is something you can do for her
anitaParticipantDearLady F:
I think that there is something for her, something simple- validate her emotions, whatever they are, sadness, despair, anger, hope. Whatever it is.
Behind every emotion there is a positive motivation- to help oneself and others.
what do you think Lady F?
Anita
anitaParticipantDear Lunar:
First off, I just want to acknowledge again how exhausting and frustrating this situation must feel. You’ve moved to a new country, taken on jobs that don’t fulfill you, struggled to build connections, and all while navigating a relationship that feels more suffocating than loving. That’s a lot to carry, and it makes complete sense that you’re feeling isolated, unheard, and emotionally drained.
I’d like to respond more thoroughly to your initial post this morning:
“Firstly she will say I make a face and she “hates the face I am making,” usually when I am upset, distracted, annoyed, etc. She says the same thing to her family as well.”-
So—she doesn’t ask you how you feel or what’s behind the expression on your face. She just criticizes you for it because your emotions inconvenience her?
(This reminds me of my mother. I don’t think she ever asked me how I felt, but she definitely criticized me for the expressions on my face, accusing me of things based on emotions or expressions I hadn’t even chosen.)
If she dislikes seeing any negative emotions, it implies an expectation that you must always appear happy or neutral—which isn’t realistic or fair. Over time, this can make you feel like you have to monitor or suppress your emotions to maintain peace, walking on eggshells. But suppression leads to self-alienation and emotional exhaustion.
Instead of supporting you through your emotions, she’s trying to erase them. You shouldn’t have to mask your feelings to maintain peace—that’s not how love should function.
In a healthy relationship, emotions—even difficult ones—should be acknowledged, respected, and understood, not criticized or rejected.
Control isn’t love—it often stems from fear, insecurity, and unprocessed pain. You deserve acceptance—a relationship where your emotions are seen, your independence is respected, and your happiness isn’t measured by how well you conform to someone else’s expectations.
Love should never feel like a set of rules to follow. It should allow both people to be fully themselves, without fear of punishment or restriction. You are not wrong for wanting space, autonomy, and emotional freedom—those are basic human needs, and they deserve to be respected.
I hope you remind yourself that your needs matter. You are allowed to want a relationship that feels safe, open, and freeing—not one that requires constant justification or adaptation to someone else’s fears. I know this isn’t an easy situation, but I truly hope you find clarity, courage, and the space to honor what you need.
Sending you strength. 💛
Anita
June 7, 2025 at 6:59 am in reply to: Fear knocked at the door. Love answered, and no one was there. #446637anitaParticipantDear Alessa:
Thank you! It really does take conscious effort to choose love over fear, but every small step in that direction matters. ❤️
I absolutely love how your boy expresses joy with LOVE!—that’s such a beautiful and pure way to see the world. His little moments of happiness are a reminder of how simple and wholehearted love can be. What a precious perspective to witness. 💛
Sending warmth your way! Anita
anitaParticipantDear Alessa:
I took a moment to meditate on one of your affirmations—”It’s okay to make mistakes.” That has always been a big one for me, too—fearing mistakes, believing that each one meant I was a bad, worthless person 😞.
Seeing you embrace these affirmations and truly feel their impact is such a powerful step. You deserve to believe in every word you wrote—they reflect your strength, growth, and capacity for self-love 😊❤️.
Anita
June 7, 2025 at 6:11 am in reply to: Trying to heal from possible narcissistic mother + build own life #446635anitaParticipantI’m glad to hear that you are well, Sophie! Processing thoughts takes time, and it’s great that you’re giving yourself space for that. If there’s anything you’d like to talk through, I’m always here. And truly, it’s been my pleasure—just happy to help however I can. Hope today feels good for you. 😊
Anita
anitaParticipantPrecious, very precious Alessa- I am glad you made it past 30 (!!!), and I am glad that you are here!
So, it makes it special, going grey together- in two different parts of the world.
“Aging is a beautiful”- beautifully said, Alessa, I will keep this in mind.
Anita
anitaParticipantYes, I do. I ❤️ you, Alessa. Thank you so very much. Thank you for being here for me!
Anita
anitaParticipantDear Peter:
“Lead us not where shadows lie, Where maps replace the living sky. Deliver us from fear’s cruel hungry thread, The root from which all evil’s bred.”-
This passage, to me, speaks to emotional suppression, self-alienation, and fragmentation—themes at the heart of my recent posts and reflections in the forums. It captures the struggle of being disconnected from one’s true self.
“Lead us not where shadows lie” – Suppressed emotions suffocate in the shadows, buried for protection from pain. But in doing so, we become alienated from ourselves, not truly alive, not truly dead.
“Where maps replace the living sky” – Maps symbolize rigid, predefined paths. Emotional suppression makes us follow a script rather than experience life authentically, cutting us off from spontaneity, intuition, and emotional freedom— cutting us off from the Living Sky.
The Living Sky is about the full expression of emotions, those energies in motion (e-motion). When emotions remain unexpressed, they suffocate—neither fully alive nor completely gone. And in suppressing them, so do we.
“Deliver us from fear’s cruel hungry thread” – Fear is often the force behind emotional suppression and fragmentation. It fractures parts of ourselves in an attempt to stay safe—safe.. in a state of being not quite alive, yet not quite dead.
“The root from which all evil’s bred” – Chronically repressed emotions manifest in anger, resentment, cycles of avoidance, and destructive behaviors. The longer emotions remain buried, the more they distort perception and disconnect us from our true selves, and from others.
To me, this prayer pleads for liberation from emotional suppression and fear-based fragmentation—a call to live fully, openly, and rooted in emotional truth.
Anita
June 6, 2025 at 11:59 am in reply to: growing up – becoming adul / procrastination – in connection to childhood trauma #446623anitaParticipantDear Robi:
I just submitted two posts about emotional suppression, or emotional alienation, mine (in my new thread: ‘Our World is a Complex Mess of PTSD”), and another member’s emotional suppression (in his thread: “Alienation or abandonment looking for insight”).
I then decided to compare your very first post on tiny buddha, the one from June 8, 2018 (will be 7 years ago, in two days!) with your latest post on June 4, 2025. As I did, I realized something profound, something that to my best memory, we never discussed. (Maybe we did? I don’t remember): Emotional Suppression.
I now understand what’s behind the last paragraph I wrote to you in my reply two days ago: “While I was reading your recent post, I had this image in my mind, that of you in the storage room, minimizing the screen when your parents interrupted your privacy. I had the image of you, fast forward to now, still minimizing the screen, the screen representing YOU, Your Life, what You care about.”-
You’ve been so expressive and detailed throughout the years, here, in the forums, that I didn’t realize that the screen you minimized represents your emotional landscape. You minimized, aka suppressed your own emotions.
Comparing your first and latest posts: Seven years ago, what you shared was a story of deep self-reflection, longing, and a struggle to find meaning. You recounted your life—from a childhood spent in passive routines, to discovering photography in high school and the confidence it gave you, to relationships that left you questioning yourself. Your move to Spain felt like an opportunity for change, but despite moments of happiness, you remained caught in cycles of avoidance, insecurity, and emotional suppression.
Your relationship with your girlfriend brought both love and conflict, yet your personal stagnation—financial dependence, career uncertainty, and lack of direction—kept you feeling lost. Stuck in emotional exhaustion and self-doubt, you were desperately searching for clarity, purpose, and a way forward, yet felt unable to break free from the patterns that have kept you isolated and unfulfilled.
Your words reflected a powerful struggle with identity, self-worth, and uncertainty, and beneath it all, a desperate hope to find clarity. You repeatedly described feeling trapped in cycles of inertia—wanting change but not knowing how to make it happen, feeling frustrated with your inaction but also paralyzed by the fear of making the wrong move. Your history of escapism (video games, weed, passive existence) suggests years of suppressing your own needs and desires.
You weren’t just lost—you wanted to be found. You wanted to start living, but didn’t know how to begin.
While you shared your experiences in great detail, you often described emotions as if they are distant from you, rather than something you were fully connected to.
You questioned your own feelings constantly, saying things like: “What if I don’t love her?” and “But what if I do and this questioning is happening just because I don’t know what I want?”
Your uncertainty about your own emotions suggests you didn’t fully recognize or trust your feelings, which can be a sign of self-alienation—a disconnect between your inner self and your lived experience.
You were very detailed in your storytelling, but you often described events rather than deeply processing your emotions.
Your numbing behaviors (weed, gaming, passivity) suggest that you spent years avoiding emotions, even if you’ve been writing about them extensively.
Fast forward 7 years to your most recent post, there are clear commonalities between your first and your latest one. Your core struggles remain, but there are also signs of progress, self-awareness, and a stronger push toward change.
In his first post, you said: “I just exist and search for my direction.” Two days ago, you wrote: “Where the f** was I all this time? Where did I channel my energy?”-
You are still searching for purpose, but now you are actively questioning where your energy has gone instead of just passively accepting your stagnation.
In 2018, you said: “I feel like I don’t want to do anything… But I’m frustrated for not doing anything.”
In your latest post, you described: “What if you have no vision at all? My vision changes so often that I cannot hold on to any plan.”-
Earlier, you recognized your inaction, but now you are analyzing why your vision is inconsistent—digging deeper into the root of your struggles.
In your first post, you admitted: “I feel jealous… I feel like a failure… I feel lost.”
Two days ago, you wrote: “Feels like a long corridor with pictures on the walls encompassing all those times I’ve tried but didn’t change.”-
The self-judgment is still present, but now it is more reflective—you are seeing your patterns with greater awareness.
Seven years ago, you described yourself as stuck in a passive routine—doing nothing despite wanting change.
Now, you are genuinely making efforts, saying: “I’ve tried mastering my time better, meeting more people, watching less movies, sticking to routines that boost my mood and clarity.”-
You may feel disappointed, but the fact that you keep trying is a major shift from your past avoidance patterns.
You wrote 2 days ago: “Recently it’s been harder and harder to accept my old programming.”-
This is huge progress— you are recognizing how your patterns formed, how they have held you back, and how you need to break them.
Seven years ago, you felt lost but didn’t question why. Now, you are actively analyzing your own conditioning.
Earlier, you turned to escapism—gaming, weed, avoiding responsibility. Now, you write: “Perhaps the roots haven’t had the chance to do their thing. There isn’t one area in my life where I feel rooted, stable, or sure of anything.”-
This suggests a shift— you are no longer only trying to escape pain, but starting to recognize the need to build a solid foundation.
Your reference to The Truman Show suggests you realize you have the power to leave the “cell” you have been trapped in.
Seven years ago, you accepted stagnation as part of your life. Now, you see that you have the choice to break free—but you need to overcome your mental barriers to do so.
While your core struggles remain, your self-awareness has deepened, and you are starting to shift from passive longing to active questioning and effort. You are on the edge of transformation, but still needs to trust yourself and your ability to sustain change.
“There isn’t one area in my life where I feel rooted, stable, or sure of anything.” (June 4, 2025)-
To feel rooted, stable, and sure of things, you would need to reconnect with your emotions, bringing them out of suppression and into the light of expression. That sense of stability doesn’t come from control—it comes from allowing emotions to take their space, to be fully acknowledged rather than minimized like a background window on a screen.
You once minimized that screen, keeping emotions at a distance. Now, it might be time to maximize it—let it open fully, sit with it, and see what unfolds. There are ways to do that, and I’d be happy to explore them with you. Let me know if this resonates. 💛
Anita
anitaParticipantAbout my own alienation, suppression and reconnection, speaking my own truth:
My mother was emotional, controlling (of me), and unpredictable—she wasn’t the strong, steady, contained presence I needed.
For hours, she would tell me about all the times she had been wronged, recounting them in painstaking detail. Often, she insisted I had wronged her, too. If an emotion showed on my face—even a fleeting expression she disapproved of—she accused me of it.
I remember once, when I was five or six, I happened to express my pain, my angst—but instead of comfort, she accused me of doing something wrong.
Once, I couldn’t help but express my distress about missing her. She responded with contained anger—not her usual uncontrolled, frightening rage. In that moment, my longing for her was an inconvenience.
She used to tell me that, compared to her childhood, I was lucky, and therefore had no right to feel anything but gratitude—as if any pain I had was invalid, unjustified. But instead of embracing my supposed “luck,” she resented it. She shamed and guilt-tripped me for having the physical comforts that she didn’t.
She took center stage in emotional expression—there was space for hers, but never for mine. I learned to hide what I felt, to silence myself. There was no room for me to be heard, seen, or validated.
I lived in fear of expressing anything that inconvenienced her, never knowing when my emotions might unintentionally surface on my face, in the tone of my voice, or in the “wrong” choice of words—only to be condemned or lashed out at.
Silencing myself became a way to try to avoid conflict, and it became a deeply ingrained habit. My emotions were no longer something to feel—they were something to suppress.
I grew exhausted from holding everything in. I started doubting myself—not even knowing what I felt, whether my thoughts were correct, or even something as simple as what ice cream flavor I preferred. Making thoughtful choices or decisions became an excruciating process, resulting in the situation that my choices were largely impulsive.
I lost touch with who I was. Connecting with people became terrifying, because it required me to feel emotions that were overwhelming. And so, I lived a socially isolated life for the most part. Alone and Lonely. And Afraid. Confused, Troubled and Exhausted. The fear and suppressed emotions fueled my motor and vocal tics since early childhood, a constant physical tension and pain that’s ongoing.
About Reconnection: Through expressing myself and speaking my truth—just as I am doing now in this post—I have been freeing my emotions from the suffocating darkness of suppression. Where they once lacked air, light, and space, they are now emerging, breathing, and finally being seen.
Freed, they are no longer so intense, no longer overwhelming. It feels as if, almost suddenly, I have the strength to hold them—instead of fearing them so much that I had to push them away, just to protect myself from the overwhelm.
I am no longer afraid of that energy in motion (e-motion) like I used to be, so I give them their space to be, to breathe.
As a matter of fact, Ben, if you’re reading this—you’ve been a part of my journey in reconnecting to my emotions. It was in your thread that I first read the phrase “giving space” to emotions, and it stayed with me. That simple yet profound idea helped shape my own healing, and for that, I thank you. 🙏💛
Anita
anitaParticipantDear Ben:
I’ve been reading your posts on your other thread, and I find myself feeling both concerned and deeply impressed by the progress you’ve made.
Three days ago, in your most recent post, you wrote:
“I do think about physical suicide by times but as long as I don’t suppress it it’s fine. I think it’s normal and I don’t give it too much weight. I don’t like to tell you because I don’t want you to worry. I have to speak the truth.
“I learned that I hate myself so I had to open up to it and allow myself to hate myself. I had to be a mother who accept her child this way. And I haven’t had it since.”-
Your words reflect a powerful emotional strategy—one that few people find on their own:
* You don’t reject your pain—you acknowledge it.
* You accept your emotions instead of suppressing them.
* You “mother” yourself, offering warmth and understanding instead of punishment.
* Through this acceptance, something inside you shifted.
This emotional approach aligns with radical acceptance—a psychological practice that helps people cope with intense emotions by acknowledging and allowing them rather than fighting them.
Your sentence, “I have to speak the truth,” stood out to me deeply. This has been my longing for so long—to speak my truth.
Over five months ago, when you started this thread, you wrote:
“I noticed that when I meet someone with the glassy alienated look in their eyes. It affects me very much… I feel alienated too and I worry big for the person even if I don’t know her… I wonder what this needs from me… Maybe there is a different word for it. Maybe a Pali or Sanskrit word?”-
I wasn’t able to respond to this back then the way I am able to now. So, here’s my response today:
When you see the glassy, alienated look in someone’s eyes, it deeply affects you. Their self-alienation awakens your own. Even if you don’t know them, you feel a strong concern, as though their pain is calling out to you.
This reaction isn’t random—it’s tied to your own history of emotional suppression. You recognize alienation in others because you have experienced it yourself. The way you were forced to push down your emotions created a gap between your inner feelings and your ability to express them.
So when you see that distant, disconnected look in someone else, it stirs something in you—a reminder of your own suppressed emotions, a longing to understand, and maybe even a question: What does this ask of me?
You asked if there’s a Pali or Sanskrit word for this feeling, and there are words that might resonate with your experience:
Saṃvega (संवेग) – A deep, unsettling realization of alienation, urgency, and disillusionment with life.
Dvesha (द्वेष) – Aversion or suppression of emotions, linked to self-rejection or avoidance.
Āsava (आसव) – Mental effluents or old emotional habits that keep you trapped in suffering—suppressed feelings could be seen as āsavas, lingering beneath the surface.
Vedanā (वेदना) – The raw experience of feeling something deeply before it’s suppressed or distorted.
In your second post on this thread, you wrote:
“My psychologist, we mainly do gestalt psychology (inner child), said that she thinks I’m growing up. I have her since one month. Since then my impulses are less strong. I need less sleep. I don’t really feel tired anymore. When I tell myself I love you, I feel it. When I give myself a hug, I feel it.” (Dec 16, 2024)-
I wonder—do you still see that psychologist? I hope you do, because she seems to have had a deeply positive impact on you—helping you connect with your emotions in ways that feel real and healing.
More about Alienation (the first word in the title of your thread), self-alienation, more precisely: it is the feeling of being disconnected from oneself—one’s emotions, identity, or true desires. It happens when a person suppresses, ignores, or rejects parts of oneself, often to fit external expectations or avoid painful feelings.
It can look like: feeling emotionally numb or detached from your own experiences, feeling like you’re living someone else’s life, no longer knowing what you truly feel, struggling to trust your own instincts or make decisions confidently.
Self-alienation can stem from emotional suppression, past trauma, or external pressure to be someone you’re not. Healing involves reconnecting with your emotions, accepting all parts of yourself, and allowing yourself to feel without fear.
In my next post, I will share about my own experience with self-alienation and reconnection. I’m posting it separately in case it might be difficult for you to read—so please feel free to skip it if you need to.
Anita
anitaParticipantLet me EXPRESS-
Finally tonight- almost dark, not quite, at almost 10 pm. I can still can see the light blue skies from behind the trees. Birds are singing LOUDLY. They wont stop until it’s completely dark, some time from now. And then they start singing- so very loudly- at the very first sight of light, before light is visible to the human’s eye, or audible to the human’s ear.
This will be in about five hours from now, which leaves me only five hours of darkness, and it’s not summer time yet.
Darker now.
Can’t hear the birds now, not over the YouTube music I am listening to.
Where did they go, the birds.. prepared for the night.
I washed my hair after mowing for hours, the dust and dirt getting into my hair. I can smell the nice smell of shampoo, my hair is no longer in a pony tail, not for the night.
Within me, as a result of C-PTSD, I keep running (the Flight Response)- ever since I was five, or six- running with nowhere to run to, stuck running (tics)
Trauma caught within.
I try to relax, to release this somatic stress, this Flight Response caught within.
This RUNNING has been caught within, trapped for too long. I don’t think that it’s possible for any human in my place to make it stop. it’s been going on for too long. More than half a century long.
When you run away from your own mother.
When you are running away from the person you love the most, the person you need the most.
It’s a never-ending human wound, to be running away from the person you need the most.
.. Oh my God, or god.. it is Completely dark right now. it happened! Completely Dark. No sign of the sky, no sound of the birds. It’s just after 10 pm. It is completely SILENCE. How special! How unique! I am excited!!!
Five hours of silence is the most I have in front of me.
Where are the birds? Perched close to the trunk for protection, sleeping inside tree holes or nest boxes. I already miss them, although I longed for their silence just a moment ago.
And where are you tonight, you, human, you who may be reading my words tonight?
Are you Alone, or are you Together?
Silence. Darkness. Cool air (unlike the warm- hot air of the day that closed)
I looked forward for the birds to be quiet (they were so LOUD!) and now I miss them. Why do I miss them?
It’s just that I have to trust that they will come back. Just because they are silent now, does not mean they are gone. They are only resting, so that they come back again, loud and ALIVE as always.
Going back half a century ago, at night, when it was ..deathly quiet, I was afraid that the quiet will always be, a death verdict, permanent, irreversible.
My mother, the most important person in my world back then, she told me, she said: I will DIE. I will! Because of YOU!
This is the Trauma in my C-Post TRAUMATIC Stress Disorder.
It’s caught in my muscles, in my nerve cells, in my physiology and biology, and I cannot undo it, cannot reverse it.
If you are a mother reading this, don’t ever tell your child that you will kill yourself (and die) because of something your child said, or didn’t say, did, or didn’t do, or because the expression on your child’s face didn’t sit well with you.
Because this is what my mother said.
In my last post, right above, I wrote: “Let’s embark on this path of FREEDOM- the freedom to BE reborn, so to speak, to start our lives with that initial scream of a newborn, and take it from there!”-
Well, the path toward freedom is through the slavery that was imposed on me. it’s about the rejection of the indoctrination I was born into: Mother- with all due respect, and with all the love I have had for you- Your misery is NOT MY FAULT. I am not, and never have been, your Enemy. You got the wrong person to crucify! I am not the Enemy, not YOUR enemy! You got the wrong person.
You got the wrong person, punishing me just because I was there and there was no one else to take in your hate.
To the people who think I should “just get over it”- you are funny- in your over simplification of things.
It is now almost 11 pm. The silence outside is complete. No sounds of birds. Will they ever come back?
Anita
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