Dear Tee:

This time I read your whole message before responding because I know that I am not ready this morning to process it part by part (I intend to do that by this evening).

I very much like everything you wrote and am very motivated to do the STOP the Shaming Words Exercise that you suggested.

As far as the false accusations/qualifications that she was hurling at me, and then counter them with true statements. I too was concerned about giving her shaming, guilt-tripping words more power by repeating them. I am open to suggestions on this matter. Maybe it will get clear to me later.

Oh, and by the way, I started incorporating strengthening the quadriceps into my daily exercise yesterday, following your advice (strengthening the gluteus muscles has been part of my daily exercise for years).

“So, Uncle Morris seems to have grown up into a pretty balanced, emotionally healthy man. May I ask if he and your mother (and their other siblings) grew up in the same circumstances? Was he too an orphan? Please answer only if you feel comfortable talking about it..”-

It’s something I thought about years ago. Yes, he was orphaned too and while she was sent to an orphanage kind of institution, and later, lived with her very abusive older sister, he was sent to live in a Kibbutz where he was terribly abused, mercilessly beaten on a regular basis by one of the kibbutz’s residents, a sadistic holocaust survivor- for a long, long time. That abuse may have been the reason for his severe seizures/ epilepsy.

I just wondered if the physical abuse can cause epilepsy, asked Copilot, answer: “physical abuse that results in head trauma—especially repeated or severe injuries—can lead to post-traumatic epilepsy, a form of epilepsy caused by brain injury.”

For some reason, unlike the other siblings, he was interested in reading about psychology, got himself self-educated and attentive to the psychological development of his children. Each one of them grew up to be a unique individual with his/ her own unique path in life, and successful (last I remember.. and I remember wondering how it came up to be many years ago).

Again, that one memory of him asking me a question (about my inner experience, thoughts, feelings.. don’t remember the specific question) with honest curiosity and a friendly invitation to answer him- that was a unique experience for me, an oasis in a vast desert. But I didn’t answer him (the threatening in her eyes), and I don’t remember another such moment.

I will continue this reply/ exercise later.

Thank you so very much, Tee. You are making a huge difference in my life 🙏 🙏 🙏

I hope you are still feeling better..!!!

❤️ 🫶 ❤️ Anita

Dear Tee:

“I hear you, Anita. She was pitying herself and portraying herself as the victim her entire life, and for the longest time, you believed her. You believed, or a part of you believed, that she indeed was a victim.

“But she wasn’t. She most likely was a victim as a child, but she chose to stay in the victim mentality in her adulthood too, and used her victimhood to abuse you. So as an adult – as your mother – she was the Perpetrator, not the Victim.”-

I never heard or read anyone saying this to me before, that as my mother, she was Perpetrator (and I was Victim). Growing up and beyond, when a child (of any age) expresses a significant disapproval of a mother, it is the child that’s labeled BAD. No one- my whole life- to this day, ever said to me: “as your mother – she was the Perpetrator”.

Mothers, where I grew up, had the societal permission to do whatever they wanted with their children, no questions asked, no disapproval and nobody’s business. Except if a mother would do something too extreme, like breaking literally her child’s bones (I am guessing that’s why she told me: “Do you think I am stupid? I will not break your bones!”)

“She played the victim so she wouldn’t need to look at herself and change. And she played the victim to manipulate and control others, primarily her children, who genuinely loved her and cared for her.

“So no, she wasn’t the Victim, she was the Perpetrator.

“You don’t need to have empathy for her, especially if that would mean agreeing with her narrative that she was the victim her entire life and that everybody else was against her, including you, her daughter. You don’t need to have empathy for the person who was hitting you, shaming you, guilt-tripping you, and enjoyed when you suffered.

“You don’t have to love that person either. You need to say No to that person. You need to stop believing her words, her lies, that she was repeating throughout the years: that she is your victim (and everybody else’s victim) and that it is you who is abusing her, not vice versa.

“You need to stop believing her false narrative. And you need to stop wanting love from her, or validation, or change of heart. She isn’t able to give it to you.

“It’s okay if you never ever want to speak to her again. Or see her in person. She doesn’t deserve it. This person doesn’t deserve your love and empathy. And you have no obligation towards her, since she’s hurt you immensely.”- thank you!

“And so yes, you should have empathy for yourself, not the person who abused you. Your mother was telling you that you’re nobody, you need to tell yourself that you’re special and worthy. Your mother was telling you that you’re a bad person who wanted to harm her. You need to tell yourself that you’re a good person who sincerely wanted to help her and relieve her pain. You need to tell yourself that you’re a good person.

“You need to counter every one of your mother’s lies, so that they don’t have power over you anymore. This I believe is a precondition for lasting healing.”- I want to do this as an exercise later.

“And no, you don’t need to have empathy for her, but for yourself. ❤️ 🫶 ❤️”- I feel like I am sitting in an office with Therapist Tee telling me words I have never heard before 🙏 🙏 🙏

“Haha, mostly yes, except when I have an acute health issue and then my health anxiety spikes and I can’t focus on much else.. but yeah, so far so good with this latest flare-up 😊”- You are a very good person who keeps her word and you are human ❤️.

“I totally understand you. You didn’t want to hurt her and you didn’t want to get yourself in trouble either. You were afraid of her reaction. All understandable, Anita.”- thank you for understanding so.. perfectly 😊

“Yes… perhaps you can inquire about him at your sister? But I understand that you don’t want to stir the pot now, causing commotion, and that you feel it’s better to keep things as they are. These are difficult and delicate things, by all means.”- yes, better not stir the pot. Uncle Morris has five adult children and as far as I know, they are all mentally healthy and successful in life (not a surprise, is it?). I am guessing he has lots of love and help from them.

“Absolutely… you loved her, she didn’t love you..”- thank you for being so clear.

“I’m happy about that ❤️”- ❤️

“As for your knee pain:… At this point it’s probably just a mild osteoarthritis, since you can still complete your daily walk without significant pain, right?”- yes, correct.

A few weeks ago though, I had a strange (new), significant, very localized pain in my left knee- it’d hurt to walk first thing in the morning particularly, and later on as well. What I did was to go on my walks anyway, and fast walks. I had it in mind that when people do physical therapy following injuries involving difficulties walking, they are supposed to keep walking (with the physical therapist around) while still in pain- instead of giving up and not moving at all until (and if) the pain is gone. During each walk, after a while, the pain was gone. Until one morning, it didn’t hurt anymore.

“If that’s the case, I suggest looking into preventative measures such as food supplements and physical exercise, specially strengthening the quadriceps and gluteus muscles, because that helps take the pressure off the knee joint. The stronger the muscles, the less stress on the joint.”- I just looked at a diagram of these muscles, will do. Still need to look into the food supplements.

“Haha.. I’ve got different concerns, part of it is hygiene, but also some other impracticalities… so I’m really not keen on going to swimming pools. But at the same time, I know it could help me, so by not going, I’m not doing myself a favor..”- I wish you had a private pool, just for yourself 🏊‍♀️

“You’re welcome, Anita. My back is feeling better, thankfully, but now my neck started hurting 😕, probably due to poor posture. I’m hoping to discuss all this with my orthopedic doctor, and get a good protocol for physical therapy 🤞”- 🤞 🤞 🤞, and I hope your neck stops hurting!

“Thanks Anita, yeah, I want to treat AI as a machine, not a person, and so I’m quite resistant to its ’empathy’ because I know it’s just a program. Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s very useful for getting facts and information (although it’s not 100% reliable either, because I had examples where it gave me false information, although that was rare). Anyway, facts and data – yes, emotional support no – that’s my stance towards AI 🙂”- and I respect your stance toward AI !!!

“But as I said, I very much appreciate your care and concern, and empathy ❤️”- you are amazing, Tee. I can’t tell you how.. grateful and well, amazed by you. I am quite speechless 😶 right now.

❤️ 🫶 ❤️ 🙏 ❤️ Anita

Dear Tee:

From my post before last, above:

“I wrote: ‘Her innermost part: a vulnerable, innocent, beautiful little girl; the outer layer.. a demon?’

You answered: ‘Yes.. I believe so.'”

My mental health at this point, is about calling it what it is.

Once an innocent, little girl, she turned out to be my lifetime demon.

Calling it like it is.

It’s about having no more empathy for the demon in my life. No more love for her.

May others, others not her victims- love her.

May this Victim be free from Empathy for Perpetrator.

This is a very important breakthrough for me:

That in this one context, Mother-Perpetrator, Ima vs Little girl Anita, I deserve all the empathy; she deserves none, not in THIS context.

It’s about choosing Victim (LGA) and standing up to Perpetrator.

My empathy for her was in my way of healing, it’s been harmful to me.

In the context of me and her, she deserves no empathy because she harmed me- not by error- but by intent.

She aimed at hurting me and she smiled when she saw me hurt.

That was not accidental or coincidental.. that was Intent.

Time after time after time, she’d shoot the words (“You’re a big zero, you are a nothing!”) and the slapping, hitting and beating (“You think I’m stupid? I’m not going to break your bones so that you’d get me into trouble. I am careful!”, her words)

Hit, hit, kick, kick, slap, slap (“look what you did to my hands, you made my hands hurt”, she’d say.)

That demon- in the context of me and her- does not deserve my empathy, does it, Tee?

And yet, empathy for her was in my way of healing for decades: “My poor little mother, she suffered so much, too much”

Mother to LGA: “You are a nothing, a nobody, a whore”- yes, a whore.. and she went into detail.. The shaming was excruciating, Tee. There was nothing she wouldn’t say, she said anything, everything that can hurt, HURT…

I was not those things she said I was, Tee.

There’s so very little that I remember of what she said. I shut down, dissociated.. don’t remember, except that I know there’s nothing she stopped herself from saying, and what she kept saying was… the most shaming, SHAMING words.

And then, there was that bit of a smile on her face, corners of her mouth turned upward, eyes dark like deep, dark night, watching her words land.

I believe that my healing is about no longer having empathy/ love for her. Let others love her, not me, not her direct victim.

Tee..?

Anita