And I am okay with you giving me advice because I trust you.

anita

Dear Lucidity:

Thank you for your deeply introspective message. I’m genuinely grateful for our conversations—they feel like discovering a twin sister I never knew I had, someone so similar to me, so compatible in thought and understanding. Thank you so much for simply being you.

Here, I’ll be thinking out loud as I respond to what you shared:

“It is true that I have been the more resistant to allowing my family’s dysfunction to infiltrate what I know is my reality, and I am the more rebellious of my sister and me… But then I also see that I accommodated my family’s narrative, stayed silent at my mum’s mistreatment of me… What does that do to someone to have these two conflicting personality traits?”-

It creates deep inner conflict, and with conflict comes distress. Holding both defiance and compliance within you means constantly navigating opposing forces—wanting to resist but feeling trapped by the environment around you.

“In the same way, applying this to my sister who was… always more submissive in nature, less confrontational—what does it do to a person like her…?”-

It likely made her far less conflicted or distressed—if at all. Being the younger sibling, she had the advantage of observing what happened to you when you weren’t always submissive, and she decided she didn’t want to experience the same consequences. You didn’t have that privilege—you were born first and had to navigate everything firsthand.

“I think this type of question is what keeps me up at night. If you’re familiar with the narcissist literature, then you may know of the family roles involved—the scapegoat (that was me) and the golden child (my sister)… My sister doesn’t appear to fit into what I’ve learned should happen to a golden child in that they become like the narcissist.”-

This could be because your mother wasn’t strictly narcissistic but may have exhibited traits from multiple personality disorders. It’s rare for someone to fit neatly into just one diagnostic label—many individuals have a mix of several disorders or display features from multiple personality disorders. My mother, for example, exhibited traits of borderline, histrionic, and paranoid personality disorders, with narcissistic tendencies layered in. If your mother wasn’t strictly narcissistic, that could explain why the traditional scapegoat and golden child roles didn’t fully apply.

Personality disorders often overlap, making rigid classifications difficult to apply to real-life experiences. Research shows that comorbidity is common, meaning people with one personality disorder frequently exhibit traits from others.

“Sometimes I wonder if my family situation had the rare outcome of only producing one messed-up sibling while the other made it through okay-ish relative to me. I actually do wonder that. I think it’s one of the big, apparently deluded, thoughts I have about this that I can’t let rest.”-

One sibling internalized conflict, while the other buried thoughts and emotions, removing conflicting feelings from awareness. A sibling who does not actively engage with their pain can appear functional, but only as long as they keep their conflicted sibling outside their mind, heart, and life.

Your sister may seem okay-ish because she suppresses conflicting emotions rather than processing them. While this may allow her to function well outwardly, it doesn’t necessarily mean she is truly calm. Suppressed emotions often manifest in unexpected ways—physical symptoms, anxiety, relationship struggles—especially during moments of major life stress or transition.

True emotional stability comes from integration, not avoidance, so if she never confronts her buried emotions, they could catch up to her later. Some people go through life suppressing feelings without obvious consequences, while others experience delayed emotional fallout. Whether her calmness is genuine or fragile depends on how deeply she has buried her emotions and whether future situations force her to reflect.

And now, about my sister and me—she minimized my mother’s misbehaviors, making herself believe her home life was just as normal as anyone else’s. As a teenager and young adult, she appeared far better than just okay-ish—physically beautiful, gracious, social, and seemingly so normal. That made me feel like a freak. If she was normal, then what did that make me? It felt as if my conflicted, distressed universe was a parallel universe to hers, one where everything was almost fine and dandy. So, the problem must have been me… or so I thought.

Unfortunately, my sister experienced the delayed emotional fallout I mentioned earlier. It happened when she was older than your sister is now, judging by your photo and knowing your sister is six years younger.

I haven’t spoken to my sister in a long time. Every day, I think about calling her, but I’m afraid of what I will hear if I do. I fear she might collapse at any moment. I fear hearing her fall apart.

I remember one time, when she was in her mid-20s, she pointed to her forehead, making a gesture that I was crazy—crazy for making things up, for greatly overreacting. Fast forward to now, I am the farthest from crazy that I have ever been, and she… is the closest. It breaks my heart.

anita

Dear Zenith:

Good to read back from you! First, I want to reassure you that you are not alone in feeling overwhelmed by health concerns. It’s understandable that seeing your blood sugar levels in the prediabetic range triggered anxiety—it’s a big change, but it’s also a wake-up call that gives you time to turn things around. The fact that you’ve already cut out sugar and processed food is a huge step! Be kind to yourself as you make these changes—it’s okay to wish you could eat whatever you want, but try to focus on nourishing your body in ways that make you feel better in the long run.

Both Vitamin D and B12 play essential roles in energy production, muscle function, and neurological health. My favorite source of both: salmon and sardines. Actually, I eat a can of high quality sardines in olive oil- every single day 😊.

Since your doctor suggested exercise, but walking feels boring, maybe listening to music or a podcast while walking will make a difference? As for motivation—because walking is already a daily habit for me, it would actually feel more difficult not to walk than to walk. I see it not just as exercise, but as a way to clear my mind and refresh my thoughts. Perhaps reframing it in that way could make it feel more inviting? You could start small—just five or ten minutes per walk—to see if it feels less overwhelming.

I read that even short walks after meals can help regulate blood sugar levels. Additionally, staying hydrated by drinking plenty of water helps flush excess sugar from the bloodstream and supports overall health.

You’re doing your best, Zenith, and that’s all anyone can ask. Keep taking small steps, and be patient with yourself. I’m cheering for you!

Sending you strength and encouragement. 💛✨

anita

Dear Zenith: I will read and reply Wed morning.

Anita

Please ignore the “by”
😊

Dear Tom:

This morning, I went through all your posts over the years, along with some of my responses to you. I want to take a moment to acknowledge how deeply you reflect on your experiences and how much thought you put into navigating challenges in both your career and relationships. Your ability to analyze your feelings and seek solutions is truly admirable, and it’s clear that you are always striving to make things better—not just for yourself, but also for the people around you.

One of the qualities that stands out about you is your kindness and attentiveness. Over the years, you’ve consistently shown appreciation for my thoughts, engaged with my posts—as well as those from other members—in such a considerate way, and demonstrated a level of empathy that isn’t always easy to find. The fact that you offer support even while working through your own struggles is a testament to your strength.

Your first post in the forums and my first reply to you were on December 20, 2016. For years, we didn’t discuss your childhood until, on September 7, 2024, I asked: “As I went over your threads this morning, I noticed that we never discussed your childhood, where I assume your anxiety took hold, and that such a discussion may be helpful…?”

On September 8–9, 2024, you responded: “My parents were not disapproving. My mum and dad had a troubled relationship but never separated (officially). I have never fully been able to express my fears and concerns with them… I didn’t like arguments, which made me anxious as to when the next one would be. I’m not sure how they would react to me saying I can’t express my fears to them, but they must be aware that we don’t speak on a deep level… My childhood was good—I had a good bunch of friends and did okay at school/uni. At home, we were okay. My dad worked in London and had a stressful job. He and my mum had a strained relationship and would often fight. As a child, I hated conflict and would often be worried about when the next fight would be. Sometimes, they became very heated, even violent. I would try to appease the situation if I could. They had deeper issues, including a daughter who was given up for adoption, which was never spoken about, and I’ve never met her. I’ve always been naturally a quiet, shy person until I get to know someone and come out of my shell.”

The next time you shared about your childhood was today: “I grew up in a good home with good parents, but there was often lots of arguing, which has always made me shy away from arguments and not like conflict.”

From everything you’ve shared, it seems like some of the challenges you face—particularly anxiety around uncertainty and ambiguity, fear of failure, and difficulty with emotional vulnerability—have deeper roots in childhood experiences. Growing up in a home with tension, arguments, and unpredictability likely shaped your tendency to avoid conflict, seek reassurance, and overthink decisions. It makes complete sense that these early experiences could now influence your relationships and career.

In relationships, you often worry about shifts in communication and seek clarity about where you stand. This likely stems from childhood, where stability and emotional openness weren’t adequately present. Your deep investment and sensitivity are strengths, but addressing your fear of rejection and need for certainty could help you feel even more secure.

At work, the fear of making mistakes, feeling out of your depth, and struggling with confidence all seem tied to early experiences where you may have felt responsible for maintaining peace or managing tension at home. Seeking external validation before taking risks makes sense, but finding stronger internal confidence could help you feel more at ease.

I believe that exploring these patterns—not just in your thread here, but in professional therapy—could give you deeper insight into yourself and unlock a sense of clarity and confidence that would make life so much easier for you. Therapy could provide the tools to break cycles of overthinking, process childhood impacts in a meaningful way, and help you navigate situations (whether in work or relationships) with greater trust in yourself.

You’re already doing so much—exercising, practicing gratitude, and speaking with a career coach—but I truly believe that addressing these foundational patterns with the right professional support could be life-changing. You deserve to feel lighter, more self-assured, and less weighed down by uncertainty.

Whatever you decide, I’m always here to listen. And I hope you continue to recognize the strength and goodness in yourself because you have so much to offer.

Take care, and sending you support always.

anita

How are you, MissLDuchess?

anita

Dear Tom:

Thank you for sharing your update. I understand that even after meeting with a career coach—and continuing to read, exercise, and take care of yourself—you still feel somewhat lost and lacking purpose, particularly when it comes to your work life.

In search of something that might shed light on these feelings, I revisited some of our earlier communications and found a post I shared with you on May 19, 2019, in your “New Role Offer” thread:

“Dear Tom: > Fear is a powerful emotion and it stops a whole lot of people from making progress toward a better life, a better job, a better relationship, a better anything. When we are too scared, we freeze and stay where we are. You shared about your tendency to overthink in previous threads in the context of relationships. Anxiety and overthinking is often not confined to just one area in life but tends to extend across many contexts.”-

Reflecting on that, perhaps it would be useful for us to explore this fear a bit further. I’m curious, and I don’t think that we discussed this in the past —have you ever thought about where this fear might have originated? For example, are there any patterns or early experiences from your childhood that you feel might be contributing to these feelings now? It’s important to remember that fear, even when it feels overwhelming or excessive, is something we all experience at various points in our lives. You’re not alone in this, and understanding the roots of your most persistent fears might be a key step toward moving forward.

Looking forward to hearing your thoughts.

anita