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anitaParticipantHey Laura:
Nice photo. Well, it wasn’t terrible. We are all human beings 6and therefore we make mistakes. Even he does (the 21 year-old navy guy).
If he’s reasonable, he’ll understand. You can give him a.. coupan good for one little lie he can tell you sometime 😉
✨️ Anita
February 9, 2026 at 11:34 am in reply to: Should I Forget about him, or was he the one that got away? #455060anitaParticipantEdit: your father’s criticism.. without fear of criticism (using my 📱)
February 9, 2026 at 11:33 am in reply to: Should I Forget about him, or was he the one that got away? #455059anitaParticipantDear Emma:
About the video link you tried to send me, that’s okay, I don’t like watching informational videos (it stresses me, part of ADHD).
It’s not at all your fault for reacting as you did to your father’s crisis or judgment regarding your taste in music. His comment was not the first of its kind but part of a pattern where you were not allowed a safe place to express your likes, dislikes, opinions, etc.
I don’t think he is likely to change this pattern and I wouldn’t try to make him understand, if I was you. He is set in his ways.
But you still need a safe place to be and become, a place where you can express and explore your thoughts, feelings, preferences, needs, wants, all without gear of criticism 😔 and judgment.
🤍✨️🤍 Love, Anita
(If you need private communication over public, you are welcome to give me an email address and I’ll respond to you there)
anitaParticipantHey 👋 Confused:
No more putting any part of you “under the rug” then. Expose all to the bright 🌞 light of your awareness ✨️ and you will feel love again 💕 (I feel a bit like a poet right now)
🤍🌞👀 Anita
anitaParticipantHello Sonia 😊
You are welcome and thank you for being the kind person that you are!
Congrats 👏 for the progress you’re making in spite of the guilt feelings. Setting boundaries is a healthy behavior 👌 and part of your ongoing healing ✨️ no matter what Mr. Guilt is telling you 😊
🤍👏👌 Anita
anitaParticipantHi Laura:
You told the 21 year-old navy guy that you’re 18 while you’re 17?
🤍 Anita
anitaParticipantDear LeenBee:
Most troubling to me is his pattern of disproportionate anger and aggression toward others. He picks fights, becomes verbally aggressive, frightens other tenants, and then blames others for his outbursts, refusing accountability.
His kind of “nice sometimes, scary other times” behavior makes people like you feel guilty for pulling away, even though the relationship is hurting you.
He’s nice when he wants connection, approval, or attention, and when he feels lonely or insecure. This niceness is driven by his own needs or wants at the moment, not by genuine care for others. That’s why he can switch so quickly from friendly to angry or defensive.
For you, this inconsistency is exhausting. It makes you feel guilty for pulling away, responsible for keeping him calm, and unsure which version of him you’ll get. Your “sick inside” feeling is your body reacting to the unpredictability and pressure.
Dealing with someone who can be pleasant one moment and intimidating the next wears a person down.
He expects you to take his side, apologize, and prioritize his feelings- but you’re not responsible for managing his emotions or fixing his behavior.
My advice is to * Let go of the caretaker role and to stop intervening in his conflicts. If he escalates, the appropriate authority (landlord, police) should handle it — not you.
* No longer be his emotional outlet: no more listening to his complaints, soothing him, mediating, apologizing or explaining other people’s feelings to him.
* You can reduce your availability to him (stepping away when he approaches, not answering the door when he knocks, etc.), and you can use the “grey rock” method: give him short, neutral, polite responses: ‘I’m busy right now.’, ‘I can’t talk.’, ‘I hope that gets sorted.’, ‘I’m heading out.’
No emotional engagement with him. No trying to soothe him, explain to him, reach him with logic, etc., etc.
* Consider talking to the landlord: the landlord is responsible for the safety and wellbeing of tenants. He already frightened another tenant, and he has a pattern of aggression and conflict. The landlord can document incidents, issue warnings, or take action if needed.
You can say something like this to the landlord: ‘There have been repeated conflicts and aggressive behavior that are making tenants uncomfortable. I wanted to make you aware.” That’s it. No drama, no accusations — just information.
* Calling the police would be appropriate when he is yelling aggressively, frightening or intimidating someone, escalating a conflict, and when someone feels unsafe (“a new tenant on the property who was so scared of him, she was shaking”).
Police involvement is not about punishing him — it’s about protecting the people he’s scaring. You can do so anonymously.
You might want to gently suggest to the scared tenant to document incidents and call the police if she feels threatened. You can tell her something like: ‘You don’t have to deal with this alone. If you want to talk to the landlord or the police to report what happened, I can go with you, so you feel safer.”
This man’s behavior/ the situation isn’t just ‘annoying.’, it’s the kind of situation where outside support is appropriate. You deserve safety and so do the other tenants 🌿 🤍
Anita
February 8, 2026 at 9:30 pm in reply to: Should I Forget about him, or was he the one that got away? #455044anitaParticipantAbout you, Emma, feeling that yoi gave him (W) the feeling that he’s not good enough for you, I think it’s you taking responsibility that’s not yours to take.
If he feels not good-enough, it’s not a feeling you caused in him. It’s a feeling he had long before he met you.
About the song- you liked the song, but your father said (paraphrased): I don’t like this song! You shouldn’t like it either!
Then, when you told him his reaction caused you shame, his response was, paraphrased: shame on you for over-reacting, for not shrugging it off.
He just doesn’t understand a child’s need (that’s your need, as a child, and now, as an adult) for a parent’s validation.
He’s too much of a child himself.
You’re allowed to like this or that song 🎵
What thinks 🤔 you, Emma?
🤍🌙😴 Anita
February 8, 2026 at 8:56 pm in reply to: growing up – becoming adul / procrastination – in connection to childhood trauma #455043anitaParticipantDear Robi:
So, I’m back from the taproom and WA state (where I live) won 🏆 the Superbowl. I ate plenty, including velvet 🎂.
Back to you, Robi- no doubt in my mind that it’s better for you to move away from Romania/ away from your parents/ away from old parents-patterns.
As beautiful as Romania must be, there’s nothing more beautiful than being able to choose your own way, to make your own choices (aka autonomy).
And it can’t be done, Robi ( can it?) in the place/ in the context (living with your parents, in Romania) where your autonomy was taken away from you?
Autonomy= being able to make your own choices, to KNOW what is right ✅️ for you?
🤍🎂🏆✨️🏆🌙 Anita
anitaParticipantHey Confused:
You mean that being afraid to lose her, you lost yourself in the context of the relationship (never having communicated to her your dislikes and boundaries)?
🤔⛓️👃👀💤 Anita
February 8, 2026 at 4:05 pm in reply to: Should I Forget about him, or was he the one that got away? #455036anitaParticipantDear Emma:
I’ll read and reply by tomorrow.
Love 🤍 Anita
February 8, 2026 at 4:03 pm in reply to: growing up – becoming adul / procrastination – in connection to childhood trauma #455035anitaParticipantDear Robi:
I read only a part of your post and will reply by Mon morning. Sitting here, Sun afternoon, at the local taproom watching the Superbowl.
About notifications, as long as I am alive and conscious, I reply in a matter of hours every time 🙂
Anita
anitaParticipantDear Nichole:
No. I did not get a new computer nor had the old one fixed. I am often using my phone (like right now), or when I have access (mostly in the mornings), I use the only other computer available.
Reading your update made me think of something I posted about a short while ago: Trauma Bonding. If your family gave you nothing but abuse then you wouldn’t be attached to them.
It’s the intermittent- once in a while, however rare- affection/ positive input that they give you (?) that keeps you emotionally attached.
Is it?
🤍 🤔` Anita
anitaParticipantDear Alessa:
Thank you 🙏 for your support and encouragement in regard to Bogart.
Indeed, he feels safe with me 🩵 🤍 🫂 🌿 ✨
Neither you nor me, Alessa, felt safe with our mothers 😔
I very much relate to what you shared in your 2 posts yesterday 🩵 🙏 🤍
The way you’re able to hold both truths- the real abuse you lived through and the small moments of care that existed alongside the abuse- shows a lot of strength and clarity. It took me ages to arrive at this clarity:
No parent is only abusive because human beings aren’t 2- dimensional monsters, like those depicted in cartoons. Even the most abusive parents have moments of softness, normalcy, or generosity. Those moments complicate the emotional healing for the abused because kind moments don’t cancel the harm- they just make the child confused.
Buying a child ice cream after a frightening outburst or a period of neglect (following a moment of parental warmth, a flash of guilt, or a brief attempt at normalcy) and then repeating the abuse again and again- this is not love- because love is consistent, predictable and safe.
Moments of kindness within a pattern of abuse- that’s Intermittent Kindness- which is part of the abuse cycle because it causes the abused confusion, guilt and difficulty emotionally separating from the parent in adulthood.
If a parent was cruel 100% of the time, it would be easier to leave, easier to hate, easier to heal.
When a child grows up in chaos, even tiny gestures — ice cream, a treat, a rare smile — become disproportionately meaningful. They become emotional lifelines. Those moments don’t mean the parent was safe. They mean the child was desperate for something to hold onto.
When the same mother who terrifies a child is also kind at times, the child thinks ‘Maybe she’s not that bad.’ ‘Maybe I’m the problem.’, Maybe if I behave better, I’ll get the good version of her.”- this is how a trauma bond forms, that is, the intense emotional attachment between a person and someone who is both a source of harm and a source of comfort.
Trauma bonds form because of intermittent reinforcement/ intermittent kindness. Unpredictable, infrequent positive rewards create the strongest attachment.
It’s powerful to see, Alessa, how you’re naming things that were never your fault, and giving your son the safety you didn’t get. The compassion you’re offering your younger self, and the awareness you have of your emotions now, really stand out. It takes strength to look at all of that like you do.
Your posts are proof (!) that you didn’t become her.
They show that you’re doing the opposite of her: you are reflecting, taking responsibility, and you’re parenting with intention.
You’re trying to understand and process your emotions instead of dumping them on your child (which is what my mother did: blaming me for her stress, accusing me of hurting her, etc.)
Thanks so much for everything that you are, Alessa 🤍
You are home. You’re safe and loved. 🫂
🤍 Anita
anitaParticipantDear Alessa:
I just lost the whole message I sent you 😔 .
I said, in the message: no, it was NOT your fault.
Yes, you did try your best, and you did your very 👌 best.
You are a good person, Alessa. You’re the best person.
I also shared that Bogart did very well at the taproom tonight, off his cone (will put it back for the night, don’t want him chewing on the stitches), but he was so affectionate with people and with big Obi One (who weighs as much as I do, a GIANT dog), he just made me proud.
Thank you, Alessa, for helping me a good-enough dog-mom. Bogart says thank you, Alessa!
I will post more tomorrow.
🤍💤✨️😴 Anit
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