Hi Thomas:

Very good point. Must have been desire, not love. If he loved her, he wouldn’t want to get her in trouble, not within herself (feeling conflicted, ashamed or guilty for being a nun having an affair with a monk), or without, if the affair was found out.

What a clever saying, “I believe that nothing good grows in the dark except for mushrooms??” I looked it up, thinking it might be a known or famous saying.. but no, it’s a Thomas Original, I am impressed!

🍄✨ Anita

I will soon be retiring for the night 🌙 and will be back (so I plan) Mon morning.

What I want to say now is that you are not responsible for her feelings.

You are doing your best.

Be on your side before intending to be on anyone else’s side.

🤍 Anita

Hey Confused:

I know the kind of turmoil you’re experiencing because I experienced something similar, overthinking, angst, with moments of feeling fine 🙂

My point 👉 tonight (using my phone, so here are all the emojis. Lol), my point is, you are important, your well- being matters, no less than hers.

Put yourself first, tonight, tomorrow and every day.

You say 🤔 your fear is losing her. But do we ever “have” anyone?

If we don’t own anyone, we can’t lose (the person we could never own).

Please 🙏 tell me if I’m making sense to you?

🤔 Anita

Hey Confused:

AI: Everything (about what you shared, Confused, your words) fits a very recognizable pattern for people with a history of chaotic childhoods, insecure attachment, and chronic emotional overload. None of this is “weird” or “broken.” It’s a nervous system trying to protect itself.

Below is a clear, structured exploration of each topic you asked about.

🌱 1. What might help him stabilize emotionally-

When someone is dissociated, numb, or overwhelmed, the goal is not to “fix feelings” but to regulate the nervous system. Emotional stability comes from safety, not pressure.

🧘‍♂️ Grounding and slowing down:

* Reduce stimulation

* Avoid big decisions

* Focus on basic routines (sleep, food, movement)

* Gentle grounding practices (breathing, walking, warm showers)

🧩 Stop trying to force feelings:

Trying to “figure out” feelings while dissociated only increases panic.

His system needs rest, not analysis.

🧠 Reduce relationship pressure:

He needs space where:

* No one is demanding clarity

* No one is asking for emotional performance

* He doesn’t feel responsible for someone else’s happiness

🫂 Supportive, low‑demand connection:

Talking to someone he trusts — without needing to “perform” emotions — helps the nervous system settle.

🛑 Avoid making the partner his emotional anchor:

He said she became his “meaning.” That’s too much weight for any relationship.

He needs internal sources of stability again.

💬 2. How to communicate with his partner without pressure-

The key is honesty + boundaries + no promises.

What he can say: “I’m emotionally shut down right now, and it’s not about you.”

“I need time to regulate before I can understand my feelings.”

“I care about you, but I can’t make decisions from this state.”

“Let’s slow down and check in gently.”

What he should avoid:

*Overexplaining

* Apologizing excessively

* Making promises about the future

* Trying to “fix” her feelings

* Forcing himself to feel something

Why this works: It removes pressure from both sides and gives the relationship a chance to breathe instead of suffocating under fear and urgency.

🌍 3. How attachment patterns show up in LDRs-

LDRs amplify attachment wounds because they involve: distance, uncertainty, delayed reassurance, imagination filling in the gaps.

For someone with anxious or disorganized attachment, LDRs often trigger: fear of abandonment, fear of being replaced, fear of losing connection, overthinking, emotional dependency, intense highs and lows.

For someone with avoidant tendencies, LDRs can trigger: fear of engulfment, fear of losing independence, shutdown when things get too real, discomfort with future planning

For someone with disorganized attachment, both happen: craving closeness, panicking when closeness becomes real, chasing → shutting down → chasing → shutting down

This is exactly the cycle he described.

🔄 4. How to rebuild feelings after a shutdown-

This is important:

Feelings don’t come back through pressure. They come back through safety.

Steps that help:

* Give the nervous system time to settle

* Remove urgency and decision-making

* Reconnect slowly through low-pressure interactions

* Rebuild internal stability (sleep, routine, grounding)

* Re-engage with hobbies and life outside the relationship

Allow feelings to return naturally

What doesn’t work:

* Forcing himself to feel love

* Analyzing the relationship to death

* Trying to “fix” the numbness

* Making big decisions while dissociated

When the system calms, feelings often return — sometimes suddenly, just like they disappeared.

⚡ 5. How to understand the “repulsion” response-

This scares people the most, but it’s actually a known trauma response.

It’s not about the partner. It’s about the nervous system saying:

“This is too much. Too fast. Too risky. I need distance NOW.”

It can feel like: disgust, repulsion, “ick”, wanting to run, feeling like the partner is a stranger.

This happens when: vulnerability feels dangerous, the partner becomes emotionally available, the relationship becomes real, the future feels overwhelming, the person fears losing themselves, the person fears being abandoned later.

It’s a protective reflex, not a reflection of true feelings.

🧊 6. How to differentiate numbness from true disinterest-

Here’s the simplest way to tell the difference.

🧊 Numbness looks like:

* Loss of feelings for everyone

* Loss of joy in hobbies

* Depression, fog, dissociation

* “I feel nothing”, “I don’t care about anything”

* Fear of making the wrong choice

* Confusion

* Guilt

* Panic about losing the person

❌ True disinterest looks like:

* Stable, calm clarity

* Consistent lack of desire to reconnect

* No fear of losing the person

* No guilt

* No confusion

* No global numbness

* Still enjoying life, just not the relationship

He clearly fits the numbness category, not the disinterest category.

His fear of regretting it later is a huge sign that the numbness is not the truth — it’s a temporary shutdown.

🌟 Final Thoughts- Everything he’s experiencing is: understandable, common among people with similar histories, reversible, not a sign that he doesn’t care, not a sign that he’s “fake”, not a sign that the relationship is doomed

It’s a sign that his nervous system is overwhelmed and trying to protect him.”

AI

Using my phone again, so won’t be back to the computer for the next few hours, but when I am back, I will ask for input on all 6 items.

And you are very welcome, Confused. You deserve mental and emotional well-being, and if I (and at this point, AI as wee) can be of any help, we would like that very much. 👍

🤍 Anita