Dear Tee:

“That’s true. Older generations used to say to their children ‘oh what are you complaining about?? I had it much worse than you!’ And that’s true, in terms of poverty, disease, lack of medical care, wars, famine etc., i.e. objective external circumstances, which made the life of many people very hard in the past.

“But a child’s suffering can be the result of abuse – deliberate physical and emotional abuse by their parents – which is I think the greatest kind of suffering. To receive abuse from those who are supposed to love you and protect you from harm. And to receive it at such an early age, when our brain and our personality is still forming. That’s an incredibly heartbreaking and traumatizing experience, with life-long consequences.”-

I remember now that I used to think that I’d much prefer to suffer a severe storm and homelessness with a loving mother (receiving her comfort, having a togetherness) would be much better than having lots of food and shelter with an abusive mother (feeling dreadfully alone).

“Still, what I meant is that Viktor Frankl’s suffering – being a prisoner in a Nazi concentration camp – is a much more horrifying experience than me suffering from knee and spine issues. I am suffering, both physically and emotionally, but still, it’s completely different than his type of suffering. But I can still relate to his notion of finding meaning in life, which can help us transcend suffering, or not focus exclusively on our suffering.”-

I now remember that when I read his book as an adult, I decided to find meaning in my life and focus on it. In these forums, and in real-life, my meaning is healing. This is the meaning I wake up to every day. My greatest healing is happening these very days in my communication with you.

I still hope, as always, that you will be pain free 🙏 🍀 🤞

“I think Copilot did a great job explaining Viktor Frankl’s theory, i.e. the reasons why some people transcend suffering and others don’t… This is interesting to me: I know theories that claim that the primary human drive is pleasure, but I don’t completely agree with it. Because sometimes we are driven by higher motives, e.g. standing up for truth, even if it might get us in trouble. Or helping another person, even if it might put us in danger. So pleasure as the main human drive is a limited view, I believe.”-

I agree. And witnessing you standing up for the truth of what happened to me is making it possible for me to stand up for the truth and against her gaslighting and accusations.

“Unfortunately, some people are indeed driven by power (as we can see among politicians and narcissistic people in general), but again, not the majority.”- Not the majority.. I like that. Again, it’s the shift, for me, from general distrust (paranoid personality disorder features) to being willing to trust: trust with discernment.

“My theory is that people who experience a lot of suffering as children are more prone to searching for meaning, because they can’t find joy and fulfillment in everyday life and relationships. I think that when we’re suffering, when we’re deprived in some way, that’s when we’re more prone to ask those deep, existential questions.”-

Maybe it’s the extent of suffering, as in too much (subjective) suffering really breaks a person to the point of no return, no longer prone to ask any deep, existential questions, no longer able to look within..???

“Yes, I needed to change my attitude because the alternative would be believing that I am helpless and doomed, which leads to depression. If I chose to think negatively, I would be harming myself even further.”-

Will repeating a mantra like Empowered and Hopeful, Strong and Safe, Capable and Secure, and/ or Resilient and Promising help (to counter the Helpless and Doomed)?

“I think that’s what they call the second arrow of suffering in Buddhism: thinking negatively and making negative conclusions about life (and about one’s own future) based on the suffering that we are already experiencing. Catastrophizing, thinking that I’m doomed because of my knee (and spine) problems, would be the second arrow of suffering.”- a second arrow of suffering. I don’t remember ever reading this term.

“Thank you, Anita. Well, there were times when I withdrew from the forums when I was in a lot of pain, because I couldn’t focus on much more than my own pain. But this time I stayed, and I am glad I did. It did help me take the focus off of my problems. And I wanted to keep supporting you, so that was a strong motivation too ❤️”-

Reading this made my day! That you are giving yourself deserved credit, and.. that one of your motivations was to keep supporting me ❤️❤️❤️

“I also like Copilot’s explanation of why some people get stuck in trauma and/or become abusive themselves: loss of meaning, dehumanization, as well as personal choice”- I am still wondering about the relationship between the extent of subjective suffering and personal choice.

“I just don’t quite get what he means by “to become worthy of one’s suffering”. It almost sounds as if suffering is something noble… I don’t think it is, but it can still ennoble a person. It can still make us more empathic towards other people, for example.”-

I just asked you know whom and he says: “Viktor Frankl meant that even in unavoidable suffering, a person can choose to respond with dignity, courage, and meaning — so that their suffering is not wasted, but transformed into something that reflects inner strength and purpose….Think of suffering like a heavy weight. If you collapse under it, it crushes you. But if you lift it, even shakily, you grow stronger. “Becoming worthy” means choosing to lift it in a way that honors your humanity, rather than letting it destroy you…

“Frankl’s idea can sound like glorifying suffering, but that’s not what he meant. He was very clear: suffering itself is not noble, not something to seek out or romanticize… Frankl never suggested we should pursue pain or treat it as inherently noble. His point was that when suffering is unavoidable (like illness, loss, or imprisonment), we still have the freedom to choose our attitude. That choice can give dignity and meaning even in terrible circumstances…

“Frankl wrote: ‘It is not suffering that ennobles man, but the way he accepts it.’ So the nobility lies in the response, not in the suffering itself… Think of a storm: the storm itself isn’t noble, it’s destructive. But if someone endures it bravely, helps others through it, or learns something profound from it, their response can be noble.”

Back to your words, Tee: “I’ve just looked it up, and it’s apparently a thought that originally came from Dostoevsky, and it basically means that we shouldn’t get stuck in the victim mentality but use our suffering to become better (or stronger, more resilient) people, to learn from it. That’s what Viktor Frankl advocated too… so okay, I get it now and I agree 🙂”- I read this part after my conversation with Copilot. I think I am getting this too.. 🙂

“Oh yes, that’s one of his most famous quotes. That’s what we’ve been discussing in these past months here on the forums: about pausing and stopping (and centering ourselves in our heart) before responding. And how that contributes to non-violent communication. That’s been a lesson for me too and something I am paying more attention to now.”-

Yes, every day I repeat a mantra to this effect and recently, I added to it something that Roberta introduced in a post to another member, it’s called GRACE. I paraphrased her saying to Gather attention (before reacting), Recall intention (which in my case is to be part of the solution not add to an existing problem or create a new one), Attune (to what’s happening within me, let’s say I am holding my breath.. relax it, breathe, and attune to the other person, what is he/ she feeling), Consider action (that in my case means action toward a solution, a do-no-harm action) or not (no action at all), and lastly, Engage (act) or not and disengage.

“That’s a very good observation, Anita. Some people get drowned in trauma, in the sense that they become self-destructive, but they don’t seek to destroy others in the process. Some people on the other hand choose to subdue and dominate others, probably as a way to compensate for what they’re missing.”-

Thank you. The thought just occurred to me in regard to the extent of suffering and the ability to choose. If a suffering person finds relief in abusing another and they continue to do what brings them relief, even pleasure, then they are choosing to abuse. And why won’t they choose otherwise.. because abusing another is working for them however temporarily.. but they don’t know of any other kind of relief. So, it’s often not a rational choice but an emotional choice.. it just feels better..?

“Oh perhaps that was his blind spot, coming from a similar culture like you? Maybe he couldn’t imagine cutting contact with his own parents, and so he was a little judgmental/uncomfortable with the idea…”- sounds right. And I never thought about this connection until you brought it up right here.

“I guess you were discussing it with your sister only later, as adults? As an adult, she might have rationalized it as not a big deal, but it is a big deal and very harmful for a child.”- yes, I was at least in my 30s, maybe 40s. She did suffer a lot. I remember the mother calling her wh*** and hitting her when she was a teenager.. vicious, vicious, vicious.

“I am glad that you don’t feel alone anymore, that you feel heard and validated, knowing that indeed, what you’ve experienced was abuse, but also that there is a way out ❤️”- 🙏 ❤️ 🙏

“Ah okay, a female therapist at that time would have felt even more threatening…”- I avoided women as much as possible my whole life. Let’s say I called customer service, if I got a woman answering me I oft3en felt she was impolite or critical or what not. When I got a man to answer me, I thought he was polite and kind. I was way more suspicious of women than I was of men.

“Oh, sorry about that 🙁 I hope it will clear up quickly and you’ll be pain-free in no time. But I recommend taking it easy in the next few days, not stressing your knee too much, to give it time to heal ❤️”- Thank you, good advice, I am sure, except that I did what I did before when it hurt, the opposite of resting: I walked extra, uphill mostly.. 10.4 km in one day.. and that pain is pretty much gone now.

“Yes, that’s trauma from day 1, actually even before you were born, because if she didn’t eat properly, or had bulimia, that’s a big trauma for the fetus.

“I’m not sure if I remember well that you once mentioned she had bulimia, but if she had, while being pregnant, it shows how severely disturbed she was, causing this type of stress and contractions to her body while a baby is in her womb. But I guess she wasn’t thinking about you, but about relieving her own emotional pain. And ED, as all other addictions, serve to numb that pain…”-

Yes, you remember correctly. I remember her inducing vomiting when I was a teenager, I remember it very well. At the time I had no idea what bulimia was,, or that it had a name. I am assuming she did that when pregnant. She had no idea how it could affect a fetus. She was very, very uneducated.

Copilot: “Bulimia can limit the nutrients reaching the fetus, leading to low birth weight or growth restriction.”- I was born low weight and was the 2nd smallest child/ adolescent in school.

“Low birth weight or premature infants often have less strength, making it harder to latch onto the breast or bottle… They tire quickly during feeding, so they may stop before getting enough milk.”- my goodness, she did say that I refused breast feeding (I think she felt rejected for it) and she forced fed me (closing my nose so I had to open my mouth and then she’d shove the food in. Coming too think about it, she once expressed genuine guilt over force feeding me. The only time I could clearly see empathy in her tone of voice, empathy that I trusted in that moment of revelation.

Which brings me to this thought: she was okay with me and my sister as babies.. so it’s empathy for a baby me.. limited to that age..?

back to your words, tee: “I’m sorry to hear that, Anita. But I’ve got to say, judging from your posts here on the forums, I would never say you’ve got any troubles with your cognitive abilities. You’re very focused, very quick to reply to other people’s posts, and your posts are sharp, detailed and on point. Please know that I’m not saying this to invalidate your experience, just to say how you come across to me.”-

I am thrilled to read this!!! I think that as part of my healing, I really am becoming more intelligent.. neuroplasticity and I like it! Thing is that in-person, like last evening, I was sitting with a few people and smiling to them as they talked but I long gave up on following, I drift away. Also, repeatedly, when there is any measure of figurative language, I a totally lost, jokes included. Also visual memory. The other day I was trying to think if there are windows in the bathroom of the house where I’ve lived for 11 years. I didn’t remember any so I figure there are no windows there. I walked to the bathroom and found out that there are windows (I don’t remember now how many).

“But I understand you have difficulties which are not visible in written communication, and I’m very sorry about that.”- thank you!

“Yes, you’ve helped a lot of people here, and you’ve shared that participating on the forums has helped you a great deal too… I’m happy that our conversation is helping you and bringing you accelerated healing. And that you’re ready for more healing and more wholeness every day. Really happy to hear that! 😊 ❤️”- your help, your attention, your intelligence (I admire your intelligence, attention to detail, analytical abilities, etc.)- W.O.W, tee.. You are amazing!

❤️ 🫶 ❤️ 🙏 Anita

P.S. This post, like others, is very long. It may be tiring to respond to everything. It helps me to write the above even if you choose to not respond to every item. 😊

Dear Tee:

“Your mother was a seriously troubled woman, who abused you in every possible way”- didn’t break my bones though.

Yes, she embodied full blown Histrionic, Borderline; Paranoid, Obsessive-Compulsive (the drive to clean/ wash me T.H.O.U.G.H.L.Y) personality disorders- heavy duty, plus full blown Covert Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Yes, she was that seriously troubled, sick woman. All through the years I’ve known her.

I’ve never come across a person as sick as she.

There’s a term, Adverse Childhood Events.. Mine started before I was born, her eating disorders leading to me born severely underweight, a bridge baby, moving on to her force feeding me as a baby, on an ongoing basis, moving on to baby-me being hospitalized for high fever/ dysentery for months. She said doctors told her I was dying from fever, having placed me in cold/ ice water for the fever to come down.. And that was before I turned 1.

And then came her troubled marriage, the fights, her running to the street to kill herself (I was 5 or 6), and on and on and on.

I’ve suffered significant brain damage as a result of all this, very poor to non-existent visual memory, poor processing of auditory input (can’t follow), forgetting what words mean and having to look them up over and over and over again, having very poor- to none- understanding of figurative language.. ADHD.

And I’ve been in a much better place since I stumbled into these forums than before I did.

And then came our recent communication, Tee. An accelerated healing.. because of you being here for me.

I am ready for more, more healing. I am ready, I am willing, all the way. I want to be as healthy as I can be.

Thank you, Tee.

Anita

Dear Tee:

Using my phone, so it won’t be long. Yes, healing is happening, and truly, I couldn’t do it without Tee, the Inner Child Chamion and Expert 🧡

👧 Anita

Tee: “I want to stress one thing: your innocence, purity and goodness are still there, intact, but you need to claim it. You need to start seeing yourself as pure, innocent and good – and treating yourself like that. Purging your mother’s false notions of you, her lies, her intrusions, claiming your mind and your body for yourself… Slowly but surely, since it can’t happen over night. But little by little. The goal would be to purge yourself from her false imprint and be reborn into a new identity. Be your own person, free from her toxic influence. That’s what I see as the goal of your healing and the path forward.”-

Anita: My own person, free of her toxic messages (feeling angry)

Trying to not intellectualize.

(Whatever comes to mind, let my heart speak):

To remove the massive toxicity she had spread all over and inside of me- so generously, day after day, night after night, decade after decade.

Try not to rationalize, stay with how it feels, with how it felt all along.

The tic in my left (and right) shoulder, it’s like my body is trying to exit itself.

The nightmare of being trapped in a deplorable, condemnable, hated body.

Needing to be something, someone else, something deserving life.

She scrubbed me like I was dirty, impure. And her words made it clear: that I am dirty in each and every way.

And there was no one to tell me any different.

Society 4 Mother- no matter what. A child is her mother property. She birthed it= it’s hers.

I remember the first time I came across the book “It”, or “A Child called It”- I knew right away: that’s me, “It”.

The basic truth of my childhood and onward, her message to me, the way she felt about me- was that I was an It.. and a dirty, hateful It.

Tee: “claiming your mind and your body for yourself.”- claiming my personhood, me as a human. Ahh!

A human, that’s a start, a person, one with own thoughts, feelings.. opinions, an inner life.

An inner life uncle Morris asked me about.. Ahh!

I have no desire to ever love that mother- monster.

Those dark, black eyes of hers, the smile on her face detecting my pain.

Ahh.. Why did I hold on to her for as long as I did???

Trying to not intellectualize/ rationalize. Go with how it feels:

As a teenager, I said to myself (not to anyone else because no one was there to listen- uncle Morris would have): she is my private Nazi; living with her is my private holocaust. Half a century later, I say the same.

Peel the Nazi off of me.

No more empathy for Nazi, no more.

Tee: “You need to start seeing yourself as pure, innocent and good”- Starting with seeing me as Human, not a thing to be scrubbed hard, to be clean of dirt, to..

She.. She.. (Whatever comes to mind):

She flattened a 3-D person to a 2-D thing. The tics in my body are trying to exit the trap of a two dimension.

My 3rd dimension is trying to erupt, to exit the constraint of 2-D.

Before good or bad, there’s this one thing: to become a 3-D human.. No longer a 2-D object to be scrubbed, shamed, beaten, slapped, kicked, invaded, hated, hated, hated, tortured.

AA: Tell me more, LGA.

LGA: She.. She’s not for me, she’s not.. for me.

She’s not my friend.

She’s been my biggest enemy ever.

AA: You don’t want to save/ help her anymore, do you..?

LGA: No. No saving the thing that wanted to destroy me.. for so very, very long.

AA: “the thing”?

LGA: The dark, black eyes, the joy of seeing her words land, pain in my face= smile on her face.

She is not my Ima, never has been. Only a wish, a dream. A fantasy.

I never had an Ima.

Will you, AA, be my Ima?

AA: Yes, I will. I am. I am your Ima. I promise, no more 2-D LGA. Breathe. Let the 3rd dimension be. Feel, think, be.. fully!… Sh… I am here for you, my 3-D, human little girl Anita. I am here for you my 3-D little girl. Breathe. You are safe now. You are safe with me. I am your Ima.

LGA: I don’t want to ever mention her/ it again.. My Nazi, my Enemy.

AA: Let us live, 3-D, clean, un-scrubbed, un- cruel-ed, Let the Nazi of our life Go, let that go.