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anitaParticipantMy goodness, I so happened to come across this thread and I can see that on March 3, 2017 (right above), 9 years, 1 month and 10 days ago, I wrote: “Will be back in ten, twelve hours” and I never returned to this thread.
I am always careful to return, but must have forgotten/ didn’t make a note of it.
I will B Back tomorrow.
Anita
anitaParticipantDouble posting: what feels weird and against your beliefs?
And what could make you calmer?
anitaParticipantWhat would make you calmer, Confused? What would it take? 🤔
anitaParticipantYes, I know it’s hard when the mind is in turmoil. I so wish your mind will be calm. Not numb but calm 🤍
anitaParticipantTo relax the pressure, the Serenity Prayer comes 2 mind: “Grant me the serenity to accept the things (and people) I cannot change”-
You are not as powerful as you wish you were: to keep her, to lose her.. it takes work.. and it doesn’t work.
🍦 Anita
anitaParticipantHey Confused:
“I don’t wanna lose her but I feel like I can’t keep her”-
The verbs “lose” and “keep”- these are high pressure verbs. What if you can never “have” or “own” a person (so you can’t keep her or lose her)?
“How is it possible to be 24/7 attached and not feel in love and happy…?”-
Pressure to keep/ to not lose blocks in-love and happy.
If you relax the pressure, maybe . Maybe?
🦉 🌙 Anita
anitaParticipantHi Peter:
The message you addressed to me is the best message you ever posted for me. And your second message is a masterpiece, your best piece so far as far as I’m concerned (I’m truly in awe!)
I would like to process and digest both, particularly the second, in the days ahead.
“To break the spell of captivity”- that speaks so much to me.
“The promise land must be lived, not explained”-
The promise land must be believed to be lived (my play with words)
So much in this masterpiece, Peter. WOW.
✨️ Anita
anitaParticipantHey night-🦉 Confused:
It’d have been better for you if she was calm rather than anxious, and not problem- solving problems that don’t exist yet, as a pattern (which is a problem).
Her anxiety isn’t helping your mental health, and your shutdown/ uncertainty isn’t helping her mental health.
She sounds like an honest, decent person, and I am sorry to read that she has health problems (that likely add to her anxiety and maybe even partly caused by anxiety).
It is possible that (and I am not saying that it is) better for the 2 of U 2 take a break, temporary or final.
Again, not saying that it is a good idea, just noting that it’s a possibility. Maybe your thoughts about ending contact make sense.
Yes, you thinking of her 24/7 show.. well, a 24/7 level of attachment.
It seems to me that the way things are and have been since Nov is not sustainable, that things aren’t going anywhere that’s good for either one of you. It’s like something needs to change.
“Idk how love is supposed to feel like”-
Why do Shakespeare’s words “To Be or not to be” 2B or not 2B.. come to my mind?
Both of you need to feel okay if it’s a love relationship, or at least each one of you needs to feel better together than you’d feel apart.
I’ll stop my spontaneous thinking here and let the night 🌙 owl 🦉 tell me what he thinks 🤔, if he will.
🌙 🦉 🤔 Anita
anitaParticipantGood Monday, Peter:
From your original post:
The hardening of the heart is the natural calcification resulting from a life lived out of synch with the rhythm of Grace.
Now I see grace as looking at myself and at others with the willingness to accept rather than reject; to forgive rather than to cement judgment.
Loving (practicing grace toward) myself and loving others are two sides of the same coin.
I grew up (grew in) with a mother with a calcified heart. No one that I recall was free from her negative judgment, sooner or later.
No one was good-for-long. I remember the relief I felt when she expressed a positive opinion of someone, and the disappointment when even that someone turned into bad.
Fast forward and helped by your thread, Peter, I want to dedicate my life to Grace and to the Rhythm of Grace: to see the good in you and in me and to keep seeing it.
To Notice judgment when it occurs (it’s a habit) and Shift to Grace.
“The heart turns to shield just to endure” (your 3rd post)-
I sam softening the shield because I endured (I am alive to talk about it) and now, I can exhale judgment and breathe in grace.
I want to express and share grace. You have shared it here and elsewhere in your threads and in your replies in others’ threads over the years (it’d be 10 years in May)
I forgot the biblical story of Exudus although it was taught in school at great lengths. I remember the Israelites were slaves in Egypt. They left, were lost in the desert for 40 years, one oasis along the way.
Just now I remember what the story brought to me back then: I related to being lost in an emotional desert, longing to arrive at the promised land that was never promised to me because I was not yet good or worthy enough, if at all.
I want to look up the story later when I have the use of a computer, and I’m looking forward to reading your further exploration of the story.
🏜 Anita
anitaParticipantGood morning, Confused:
Your last 2 posts from yesterday point to something I didn’t notice before: that she jumps ahead to step five when you didn’t even live through step two, predicting future problems, which is her way of seeking control. So, instead of planning your next visit and enjoying what you have, the two of you end up theorizing about the future and discussing hypothetical issues that may never happen,
And when she talks about future problems, it triggers your insecurity: you start feeling like you’re not enough and that she’s preparing to leave you. For you, it’s about being realistic and removing the pressure of expectations so that you can enjoy each other without needing to know what will happen years from now.
So, her future worries trigger your insecurity=> Your insecurity triggers your avoidance=> Your avoidance makes her more anxious=> Her anxiety makes her future‑oriented.. And the cycle continues. You are aware of this pattern. I was not.
You need to remove pressure so that the relationship can breathe. You want realism and present‑moment connection so that intimacy can grow naturally instead of being forced. You want the relationship to grow from real experiences, not imagined ones. Right?
When she jumps ahead into future “what ifs,” your system reads it as pressure, and that pressure immediately touches your old fear of not being enough— it’s the way a nervous system reacts when it has learned, in the past, that love can be withdrawn at any time or that performance is tied to worth. So, her future‑oriented worries land in a very sensitive place inside you.
And on her side, it sounds like imagining future problems is her way of trying to feel safer — a way of creating a sense of control in a situation that is by nature uncertain. It’s not that she wants to rush you; it’s that she’s trying to manage her own anxiety by predicting outcomes. Both of you are trying to feel secure, just in different ways: you by slowing down and staying in the present; her by rushing to the future.
What you’re asking for — letting things unfold through real experiences in the present rather than imagined scenarios — is actually a very healthy way to build something real. You’re not shutting the door on the future; you’re trying to give the relationship room to breathe so it doesn’t collapse under the weight of imagined expectations. You’re trying to build something steady, not something rushed.
Interesting how I was not aware of this until this very morning 😕
🤔 Anita
anitaParticipantHey Confused:
How strange, I submitted a post for you but it disappeared. I didn’t thoroughly read all of your recent post, but what I was saying was that I forgot that you met IRL for only THREE DAYS, therefore you being cautious makes sense.
THREE DAYS is just not long enough of a basis for her to make plans for the 2 of you.
Like I said, I didn’t read all of your last post but I will in the morning (9:23 pm here, 7:23 pm in Greece… when do u sleep…??? 🤔
🌙 Anita
anitaParticipantI meant, see my post before your last one (the one I posted 40 minutes ago)?
anitaParticipantSee my post before last?
anitaParticipantTo tell you the truth, Confused, if I was her, at her age, and I heard my love-interest say to me: ‘you shouldn’t make plans without us having lived together for a while’ (which is what you told her), I would bail, I would give up on you because I wouldn’t want to be on a trial basis (living together for you to decide if you want to be with me, or not).
Imagine how she would feel to live with you so that you can decide about her (keep going or not)? How would you feel in that situation?
🤔 Anita
anitaParticipantHow are you, Sonia?
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