Dear Tee: (SA Trigger Warning for Alessa or anyone who may get triggered)

The above is major, for me. Never would I think that I will find relief in a memory of sexual incest. But relief is in what’s been hidden in darkness coming to light.

… I wrote the right above before I noticed you submitted the latest post for me, so glad it’s not too much for you, as for me: I was quite calm when I posted to you last, now the emotions are catching up to me.

I CAN’T BELIEVE I was BLIND for SO LONG!!!

TOOK THE BLAME, THE SHAME.

Tears in my eyes.. I DIDN’T KNOW! Why didn’t anyone tell me../

All this time, these decades, I carried shame that was not for me to carry..

Forever Thankful to You, Tee- FOREVER.

Anita

Thank you, Alessa, and thank you for letting me know it’s triggering for you. Please don’t read the post I submitted to Tee on my other thread. I should have placed an SA trigger warning in front of it, sorry Alessa.

I will in the future. Please let me know if you read this message before my previous, SA post in the other thread..?

Dear Tee:

“Thanks for sharing this, Anita, and for being frank about what would have triggered you in the past. I’m glad that you didn’t see my words as criticism, because they really weren’t meant like that. By ‘slowly’ I meant gradually, and in fact my intention wasn’t to focus on the speed of the process, but on the process itself: you connecting the dots.”-

Yes, I knew for sure that you didn’t criticize me. As I read the slowly-part, it occurred to me that in the past, it would have sounded like criticism. I mentioned it to you so to sharpen my awareness of this problem: hearing criticism where it’s not, and reacting to it (withdrawing or confronting).. while all along there was nothing to react to.. to defend or attack.

“I chose the phrase ‘connecting the dots’ because what you described sounded like that… And I felt like it’s you, not me, connecting the dots. I do mention certain things and give suggestions, but then you connect it to a memory you had, or make further connections (such as that your mother’s hyper-focus on sexuality may be related to her childhood trauma around her father). So when you said that I am drawing lines through blank spaces, I feel that you are doing it, or that perhaps that I’m helping you do it 😊”-

Oh.. Thing is, I am drawing lines through blank spaces because I am not alone, because you are here, and I trust you 🙏 😊

“Anyway, my point wasn’t the speed, but the process itself 😊 And I’m happy that you took my words as affirming and supportive, rather than criticism ❤️”- (I am reading each part and responding before reading the next part)-

Yes, I am pleased too, that I took your words as affirming and supportive. I am experience a real shift from suspicion to trust, and this shift started in context of our communication, Tee: because you forgave me and then proceeded to help me A LOT ❤️

“Right. She saw relationships as a power struggle: one is dominant, the other is submissive. One is in control, the other is controlled. And I guess that’s typical for narcissistic people: there’s no mutuality and win-win in their relationships. It’s always competition, where one party is the winner and the other is the loser.”-

Very well said, perfectly explained.

“Could be that your mother suppressed her anger against her father, because she was afraid of him. Perhaps he didn’t beat her up, like he did her oldest sister, because she was too little. But she might have witnessed those beatings and started fearing him anyway. So I can imagine that feeling angry at him didn’t feel safe for her, and so she suppressed it.

“But still, this anger remained in her system (she still felt betrayed and abandoned by him), and later she expressed it – freely and fully – at your father. If I understood well, your father wasn’t a bully in the sense that he would be physically abusive to her, right? So she probably felt safe to express that anger at him. Same as she felt safe to express anger at those weaker than her: her own children.”-

Yes, it all makes sense. No, my father was never physically abusive to her or to anyone. That one time he hit me with a belt was on that night that must have been traumatizing for him (her yelling, breaking, hitting, threatening suicide, leaving the apartment and running into the night).

It is only through our communication, Tee, that for the first time in my life, I consider how terrible his life was with her was, her changing from “good” to ragefully vicious, back and forth. I didn’t look at it through his perspective but through hers: that he was thoroughly bad, untrustworthy and undeserving of any empathy. I don’t remember her saying anything positive about him.

“Perhaps it could be said that she freely expressed her anger at those whom she felt safe with: those weaker than herself. Perhaps she felt that your music teacher was ‘weaker’ than her, or anybody else whom she shamed and yelled at openly… Whereas with other people – perhaps more intimidating people, i.e. bullies – she didn’t dare to express anger. She might have stayed silent or treated those people carefully. Have you noticed anything like that?”-

She complained a lot about people mistreating her but I have no personal memory of anyone bullying her, yelling at her, physically abusing her, or shaming her.. Oh, wait, I do remember an uncle (that would be her brother-in-law). She exploded at him, shaming him heavily and he said something shaming back to her. I remember she complained about it a lot, presenting herself as his victim.

Otherwise, her aggressive explosions were terrifying, people were shocked. I was, every time. In between the explosions she appeared meek, people-pleasing.

As I shared, in my early 20s, when she ran with her arms outstretched so to hit me, I took her hands in mine, applying just enough force to block her from moving forward, and her hands went limp, she immediately withdrew and never tried to hit me again.

“I meant, she felt threatened by female sexuality, because seductive, sexy women took away her father, and also took away her husband from her. So I meant in that sense, sexuality was a threat..”-

Oh, I see. There is something more to it, more to understand about this point..

“Yes, unfortunately, saying cruel, hurtful things to you was a form of revenge (for whatever perceived ‘offense’ you were guilty of. Of course she would always find a reason, an invented reason, why you’re guilty of something, so she could punish you).”-

My offense was being a human with own thoughts, feelings and agency. She wanted a 2 dimensional object, an “It”.

She punished me for thoughts she determined that I had, feelings she determined that I felt (determined because I wouldn’t share with her any unflattering, negative thoughts about her, nor would I openly share any negative feelings about her.. except for that silent, angry stare as a teenager, at times).

“She probably felt slighted by life, by other people (both men and women, it seems to me). And she had this perpetual anger about her, which she needed to release somehow. You were unfortunately one of the ‘safe’ people to release it on, because you were weaker than her, and she believed she could do with you whatever she pleases. So you were her punching bag, unfortunately, for releasing all that anger that was inside of her. 😕”-

Yes. She fit the Borderline Personality Disorder perfectly, and the few others.

“She vented her anger, which I imagine like releasing some steam from the pressure cooker. And for a while she felt calm, because the internal pressure went down. But soon enough, it would build up again (because the anger was never addressed and processed), and she would seek another opportunity to release it.”- Exactly, 100 percent true.

“The way I see it, she was perpetually angry, with occasional (or frequent) outbursts, whenever the pressure was too high and needed to be released. And she vented at people whom she felt safe with, which is you, your sister and others whom she felt are weaker than her. I wonder if this resonates with your experience?”-

Yes! But also, she had confidence, I think, in the power of her aggression, she must have experienced lots of “success” tearing people apart with her words, people not daring to object.. because she did rage at adults, like in the school setting, seemingly unafraid to get in trouble for it. So, she didn’t rage only at people weaker than her. Her rage was the kind that overpowered people, rendering them weak.

“Dear Anita, I’ll reply to the rest hopefully tomorrow. And no, I don’t find these posts too long. I mean they are long partly because of the Copilot input, but that’s okay. This is important stuff, and I don’t mind analyzing it at all. But it’s also true that we don’t need to rush to figure out everything at once 😊”-

Thank you very, very much, Tee. I am glad you don’t mind doing one of the things you’re so good at- analyzing. And yes, no rushing (and less Copilot 😊).

“You said you’re tired, sitting in front of the computer for hours. So please, go outside, go for a walk if the weather allows it, and breathe in some fresh air 😊 See you tomorrow! 😊”-

I did walk yesterday, but only for 40 minutes or so. Nothing as refreshing as walking in fresh, cold air. I hope you are feeling well, Tee. I said it before and I’ll say it again: You are Amazing!

🙏 ❤️ 🫶 ❤️ 🙏 Anita

Hi dear Alessa: I’m going to start a new thread right after I submit this post. I’ll call it, “Reconnecting”, a thread for you and me..

Hi Dear Alessa 😊

Oh, I didn’t know about a struggle. Please… let us reconnect (here or in one of your threads..?)

Got to run. I’ll be back to the computer tonight. Hope to talk with you soon ❤️

Dear Tee:

As to your post before last, continued reply:

2) “there must have been a strong abandonment wound, and also a strong sense of worthlessness”-

This is why she stripped me of agency and a sense of self-worth. No agency/ No self-worth= No leaving her.

She didn’t strip my sister of agency the ways she did to me (dressing her etc., until an older, inappropriate age) because my sister is 6 years younger than me and by the time she was born, the mother had to work and so, she placed her in a child-care facility with other children and later in a kindergarten where her agency was not stripped. On the other hand, I never attended a kindergarten, I was with the mother all the time for 5+ years.

So, she dressed herself, etc., but emotionally, she (said later) felt like a puppet on strings, and in some major ways (doing whatever the mother wanted her to do), her lack of agency was very evident.

I am becoming aware now, because of your input Tee- of the connection between her Abandonment Trauma and fear AND her stripping her two daughters of agency.

As well as the connection between shaming us and keeping us tethered to her because of lack of self worth.

3) “I can imagine she went for maximum hurt, for the worst possible impact, and she delivered it with pleasure, being satisfied that she’s hurt you so successfully. That’s already sadism…”-

Copilot: “Sadism is the tendency to derive pleasure from the pain, suffering, or humiliation of others.

Sadistic Personality Disorder (SPD): Proposed in the DSM‑III‑R (1987) but later removed from official diagnostic manuals… Removed because it overlapped heavily with other disorders (e.g., Antisocial Personality Disorder) and raised concerns about excusing criminal behavior.

Lack of remorse, guilt, or empathy…. A pervasive pattern of disregard for and violation of the rights of others…

… You can say your mother exhibited traits that resemble Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD), such as aggression, shaming, or seeming to take pleasure in hurting you. But based on what you described, her overall pattern (meek and people‑pleasing with others, selective aggression mainly toward you) doesn’t align with the full diagnostic criteria for ASPD… A diagnosis requires consistent, long‑term patterns across multiple areas of life, not just selective behaviors in certain relationships… often starting with conduct disorder in childhood.”-

So, she doesn’t fit the diagnosis but she does fit selective, “pervasive pattern of disregard for and violation of the rights of others”, others who are dependent on her (her children), others who are not likely to object or stand up to her, as well as a “Lack of remorse, guilt, or empathy” which I suppose is the precondition to the disregard for the violation of others’ rights.

Such as the right to be treated with respect, or the right to not be misused and abused.

What is getting clearer for me here, is the violation of my rights point, it never really sunk in that my sister and I had rights. And that she violated those rights repeatedly never expressing guilt or remorse to either one of us (except that one time, a bit, in regard to force feeding me as a baby).

An example of her violating my sister’s rights: she called her a “wh***” so many, many times. A guy who knew her (in her early 30s) told me that she told him, as in a trance, “I am a wh***! I am a wh***! I am a wh***” (again and again, as in a cry for help).- that’s sadism. That a complete lack of empathy. That’s cruelty.

3) “I don’t think that your inability to remember certain things in your surroundings (like whether your bathroom has windows or not) necessarily indicates brain damage. It might rather point at dissociation or even preoccupation with our own internal processes… I used to be like that too – very bad at remembering things in my physical environment – because I was preoccupied with thinking what will people think of me, how I come across.. I had this constant toxic shame about myself, and so I was focusing on myself, on my internal discomfort and anxiety. And this prevented me from actually paying attention to other people or my physical environment. Do you feel that similar might be true for you?”-

Following a conversation with Copilot, I see that you are correct and I misspoke when I said “brain damage”:

Copilot: “Brain damage usually refers to an injury or loss of function in brain tissue that was previously intact. Examples: stroke, traumatic brain injury, infections, or degenerative diseases. It implies something was harmed or destroyed.

Developmental differences (like certain connections not forming strongly in childhood) are not typically called “damage.” Instead, they’re seen as variations in brain development. For example, some people naturally have weaker visual memory networks, while others excel in them.

A Helpful Analogy- Think of the brain like a city: Brain damage = roads that were built but then destroyed (e.g., by an earthquake).

Developmental difference = certain roads never got built, or were built smaller, so traffic flows differently.

If your visual memory has always been poor and consistent since childhood, it’s more accurate to describe it as a developmental difference in brain wiring, not “minor brain damage.” Damage implies loss, while developmental variation implies a different starting point.

.. chronic childhood stress and abuse can influence brain development, including memory systems… When stress is prolonged, cortisol levels stay high. Chronic exposure can interfere with the growth and functioning of brain regions involved in memory and attention… * Hippocampus: Critical for forming and retrieving memories. High cortisol can reduce hippocampal volume and impair memory encoding. * Prefrontal cortex: Important for attention, planning, and working memory. Stress can weaken connections here. * Amygdala: Becomes hyper‑active under chronic stress, reinforcing fear and vigilance rather than calm attention.

If stress and abuse occurred during childhood, the brain may have formed with weaker connections in memory networks. This isn’t “damage” in the sense of injury, but rather altered developmental wiring…

If your poor visual memory has been stable since childhood, it could reflect how your brain adapted under stress — focusing inward on survival and emotional regulation rather than outward on environmental detail…

When a child grows up in a stressful or abusive environment, the brain often prioritizes survival functions over exploration or external detail.

* Hypervigilance to threat: The brain becomes tuned to internal signals (fear, shame, anxiety) and external cues of danger (tone of voice, facial expressions).

* Narrowed focus: Instead of noticing neutral details (like windows, colors, or surroundings), attention is pulled toward monitoring safety and managing emotions.

* Encoding gap: Memory depends on attention. If attention is consumed by internal distress, the brain doesn’t fully encode external details — so later recall is weak.

Adaptation, Not Defect- This isn’t “damage” in the sense of broken brain tissue. It’s an adaptive response: The brain learns to prioritize emotional regulation and self‑protection, External environment details become “non‑essential” compared to managing inner turmoil.

Over time, this adaptation can become habitual, so even in safer contexts, the brain continues to focus inward rather than outward.

Example- Imagine being in a room during childhood: A child in a safe environment might notice the wallpaper, the window, the furniture. A child under stress might be focused on: “Is mom angry? How do I look? Am I safe?”

The external environment fades into the background, so those details don’t get stored in memory.

Summary- Your consistent poor visual memory could reflect how your brain adapted under chronic stress: it invested energy in internal monitoring and emotional survival, rather than in encoding external surroundings. This doesn’t mean your brain is “damaged” — it means it developed priorities shaped by the environment you grew up in.

Anita: if it’s habitual, can it change or can it be both, connections not made in the brain do to stress so improvement is not possible?

Copilot: … If your poor visual memory is partly habitual, it can change with retraining. If it’s partly due to developmental differences from childhood stress, improvement is still possible thanks to neuroplasticity, though it may be gradual and not absolute. So the answer is: it can be both — habits shaped by stress and developmental wiring — but neither means improvement is impossible.”

Back to you, Tee, you wrote that you “used to be like that”- meaning your attention to external details changed..?

(continued, next)