Dear Jonathan:

Jonathan (Oct 2016): “I don’t know what it is that I’m truly looking for”-

What I hear in your words today is not just confusion about what you’re looking for, but a deeper sense of disorientation after years of losses and instabilities which naturally led to you living in Survival Mode.

You lived through a lot of instability and losses: the loss of Parental unity (your parents separated when you were 11–12), the loss of Farm life and Financial security (becoming “penniless” after the farm collapsed), the Loss of School stability (shifting schools), the loss of a Daily routine (your mother working late, long waits after school), the loss of Direction (dropping out of university, drifting between jobs), and the Loss of health (your mental health deterioration during drug use and unstable living).

* I can very much relate to the upheaval created by Housing instability and Multiple moves (yours: farm → grandparents → rented house → city → yard job housing → shared accommodation → grandparents again)- because I experienced so much of it in my adult life.

You lived through so many losses and instability that understandably, you never felt safe and it makes sense you wouldn’t know what you want — because wanting requires safety.

Wanting only becomes possible when the body feels safe enough to look forward instead of just getting through the day. When life has been full of instability, the nervous system learns to focus on the next hour, not the next chapter. In that state, desire shuts down.

Wanting something — a home, a future, a relationship, a direction — requires you to reach for it. But reaching is only safe when you trust that what you reach for won’t be ripped away. If your history taught you that things fall apart, people leave, or life collapses without warning, then wanting becomes tied to anticipatory loss.

Anticipatory loss is the nervous system’s habit of expecting things to fall apart before they even happen. When someone has lived through repeated instability— the body learns that anything good is temporary and anything wanted is at risk. So instead of letting you reach for something, the nervous system jumps ahead to the imagined moment when you will lose it again. This creates a protective shutdown: it feels safer not to want than to want and be hurt. Wanting becomes tied to the fear of losing.

Anticipatory loss is a trauma-based prediction. The body is trying to spare you from the pain of future loss by preventing you from attaching to anything in the present. It’s a survival strategy — but it blocks desire, direction, and hope until enough safety accumulates to override it.

In adulthood, anticipatory loss shows up as pulling back before you attach — ending things early, as self-sabotage (quitting, withdrawing, or numbing), and it shows up internally as future-blindness — the inability to imagine a stable future because your nervous system only knows how to prepare for loss.

None of this is character weakness; it’s the body trying to prevent you from reliving the pain of losing what you once needed but couldn’t keep.

Safety is what allows the mind to lift its eyes from survival and ask: What do I actually want? It’s what creates the inner space for preference, curiosity, and direction. So, it makes sense that you’re only now beginning to feel the faint outlines of wanting: your system finally has enough steadiness to imagine a future instead of bracing for the next disruption.

The fact that you’ve stopped using drugs, quit smoking, improved your mental health, and are beginning to imagine moving out. These aren’t small things; they’re signs that your system is slowly shifting from survival mode into self-direction mode.

What you’re “looking for” may not be a single answer but the beginning of a relationship with yourself — a sense of belonging to your own life after years of instability. You don’t have to know the whole path yet. It’s enough to notice what feels supportive, what feels draining, and what feels like the next small step toward a life that fits you.

Anita

Good Sunday morning, Mollie 🙂

Thank you. Last night was the 2nd night on a thin mattress on the floor and I am indeed tired. The good news- Bogart seems healthy (I was worried about a UTI). He’s energetic and affectionate. I forgave him for what he did- without malice, of course (no anger left), just hope to learn from what happened so that it’d be very unlikely to happen again.

“She just feels safe and calm”- that’s wonderful 👏

It’s understandable that she got over- involved with her children following her mother being under- involved in her life, as a child. It makes sense.

Makes me think of the Buddhist concept of “the middle way” as the healthy alternative- somewhere in the middle of 2 extremes.

Sounds like both your parents are good people who are doing their best. And it’s wonderful that your brother is self- sufficient..

I wonder if “extremely” self- sufficient requires Middle Way adjustment 🤔

He craves freedom because of past over- involved parenting? I am guessing he needs lots of space, and supporting him means giving him all the space that he needs ✨️✨️✨️

I have 2 much younger half-siblings on my father’s side, with whom I did not grow up, and have no contact, and a younger sister with whom I did grow up but haven’t seen in 14 years (living in another continent far, far away). We talk on the phone and she is very nice and kind to me. I am grateful for that!

I hope to have a positive update for you in regard to my sleeping arrangement and Bogart tomorrow 😊

Lovely to read from you, Mollie. Actually I feel better just because we talked this morning 🙏💛

Anita

Hey Alecsee:

I just looked at your very first post on the forums, March 4, 2019, and it was about your ex saying something about your “emotional outbursts”, which connects to the topic of this thread,May 5, 2026-

7 years, 2 months and 1 day ago.

I want to look at this further tomorrow or in the next few days.

If you’re reading this, I’d love to read your thoughts about the connection between your first thread and the current.

🌿✨️🌿 Anita

Hello again, Thomas:

Like I said before, you are a very dedicated father and husband, and they’re both lucky to have you ✔️✔️✔️

I bet your daughter is excited and maybe nervous about the transition, but she has you for support, and that’s huge!

Alessa’s most recent post was on March 14- a month & 2 days ago. She said in that post (and in posts earlier), that she was very busy (studies, parenting, pets, and more), so I understand her need to conserve her energy.

Really good to read from you, Thomas. I wish you and yours the best!

✨️✨️✨️ Anita

Oh, so it’s an antidepressant that is not an SSRI (Prozac the original, and Zoloft which I used for many years).

It’s saught after by people who don’t want the sexual side-effects of SSRIs.

Wellbutrin works on the Dopamine mechanism while SSRIs work on the Serotonin mechanism (wthe latter produces the SSRIs famous sexual side effects).

Also, Wellbutrin increases energy.

Wellbutrin became widely prescribed 9 years after SSRIs were out and about.

Overall, Confused, being that you previously stopped an SSRI because of the sexual side effect, Wellbutrin sounds promising to me.

🐔 🐔 🐔 (I am running out of saved emojis, so 🐔 it is).

Anita

Thank you, Mollie 🩷

I’m doing alright considering my dog peed on my bed yesterday, something I never imagined could happen, and he did it twice 😱 I’m very tired from the stress and having to sleep on a sleeping bag of sorts on the floor in the sunroom.

What you shared about your mum yesterday really stayed with me. It sounds like something in you softened when she stepped back a little — almost like you could breathe in a new way.

Sometimes when a parent begins to give more space, it opens up a different kind of space inside us too.

How did it feel in your body after that conversation with her — lighter, heavier, mixed?

I was also thinking about the recent exchange with your brother, almost like you took on the parent role and he was like a rebellious teenager. Does it feel like that to you?

✨️ 🌿 Anita

Sorry, a typo: Boris