Hi Peter:

I can only imagine how you feel about the back and forth threats of the recent few days (since you posted last) between country leaders- where violent metaphors are used without any detectable restraint.

While you are careful about the metaphors you use, even those in your thoughts alone, the world is run by those who scream theirs without care.

IF ONLY Peter was president, and if only Peter-likes were running the global show..

I am keeping myself relatively calm: God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change 🤍

And the courage to change the things I can 🙏

Anita

Dear Alessa:

You are welcome 🤍 and thank you for giving my topic your precious time and focus 🙏.

(And for not half-assing it, ha-ha.. where’s the emoji for that?)

You are making a distinction that never occurred to me the way you say it: “it goes well beyond, beyond scared or afraid, into terror… so much damage as a result”-

As I typed the above I felt an noticeable sense of calm, the kind that follows being understood in a profound way.

The tension in my body every waking hour, day in and day out, that’s a result of terror beyond fear.

“Terrorized by a monster”- it does take a human monster to terrorize a child. Funny (in a way that’s not funny at all, how human these monsters are, or some of these monsters are).

The cake she bought for me, the money she spent on me- she guilt-tripped me for these things, saying: look at what I did for you… and THIS is how you repay me (THIS was something imaginary, some accusation that wasn’t valid)

So, at least from one point, her gifts were a burden, reasons to feel like I was a bad, ungrateful and undeserving person.

Your bio didn’t guilt-trip you about the “little crumbs of kindness”?

I read that tics get worse with stress but I can’t tell because they take place almost all the time, so it feels. My stress level is high on a regular basis.

It is interesting, living with terror at home overshadowed the terror outside. If only I had safety at “home”, if only I had a home.

I suppose it’s possible to hide from missiles in shelters or safe rooms. But there was nowhere to hide from my mother.

You wrote: “A feeling of safety is something I’ve never really had”- same here.

“It is my quest to create a feeling of safety”- I would like that very much. But how, Alessa?

Bogart right now is resting very, very close to me, like a baby. I can feel his heart beating. His physical closeness, his trust in me calms me.. is that a feeling of safety?

I don’t really know how SAFE feels. I am not sure. Is it relative safety, as in one hour, one day at a time?

No such thing as real, lasting safety, is there?

Thank you so much for your message, Alessa. It makes me calmer, and it makes me think. I am looking forward to read your thoughts about my reply, hoping to continue this conversation- at your own time, your own pace.

I 🙏 for calm and safety (once I figure out what it means) for the two of us.

🤍 Anita