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anita

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Viewing 15 posts - 61 through 75 (of 2,533 total)
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  • in reply to: ☀️ 🪷 #440833
    anita
    Participant

    Hello all:

    Compassion (karuṇā) and loving-kindness (mettā) are central tenets of Buddhism. These virtues are meant to be extended to all beings, even those who cause harm. The teachings encourage practitioners to cultivate these qualities universally, without discrimination. The teachings aim at transforming the practitioner’s inner state, fostering a mindset where compassion becomes a natural response. This process takes time and practice.

    The ideal of extending compassion to torturers is more about guiding one’s intentions and inner state than about expecting literal application in all situations (such as.. feeding/ helping a torturer to torture others out of compassion for the torturer).

    Buddhism also recognizes the importance of boundaries and self-care. It’s essential to protect oneself from harm and not to enable abusive behavior. Tara Anand, a Buddhist and illustrator and visual artist from Bombay, India, currently based in New York City, in her article titled “Is an Aspiring Bodhisattva Allowed to Have Boundaries?” published in Tricycle, wrote: “Without healthy boundaries to enable self-preservation and allow self-care, it may be difficult to cultivate the steady stream of energy that is required to walk the path.”

    Buddhability on Setting Boundaries: “Boundaries are limits and needs you express to yourself and others in order to feel safe, healthy, and comfortable.”, “Setting boundaries is how we share with others what behavior we find acceptable and what behavior we do not.”

    Self-care is crucial for sustaining the energy and compassion needed to walk the Buddhist path. It’s about protecting oneself from harm and not enabling abusive behavior under the guise of compassion.

    In real-life situations, the application of compassion can vary. While the ideal is to maintain an open heart, it’s also important to consider the context and one’s capacity at the moment. It’s crucial to have realistic expectations and understand that extreme compassion is a guiding star, helping practitioners cultivate a compassionate mindset, while also acknowledging the need for self-protection and contextual adaptation.
    anita

    in reply to: Fear, Anxiety and Healing #440818
    anita
    Participant

    Continued: following reading a member’s story told in his own words, his unique wordings, I have a fresh, new understanding of my relationship with my emotions: it has been an adversarial relationship, having treated my emotions (my not “pretty” emotions) as if they were enemy to be destroyed. I allowed no space for my emotions to breathe and tell me their valid messages.

    Suppressed, constricted, suffocated, my emotions were abused. By me. An abuse originated by.. (you guessed it, if you are following my posts) by my mother who attacked, shammed, blamed and crucified my emotions.

    It is my job, my responsibility now to give my emotions air to breathe, space to exist.

    And to allow your emotions as well, to breathe; to allow them space, in these forums, space to exist.

    What a constricted life one lives when one’s emotions are constricted.

    I am sitting here this Tues afternoon, it’s getting dark although it’s not yet 4 pm. I was hoping to be around people at this time, socializing (my favorite thing to do), but it’s not to be this afternoon.

    It’s windy and rainy outside, foggy and almost dark. You can hear the wind and see, through the large windows that surround me the many cedar trees moving with the wind. Movement is nature’s way; constricted, suppressed, deadened (yet not yet dead) is sickness’s way.

    I feel alive these days simply for my emotions being allowed some space. Emotions, Energy in Motion, are like the wind. They must flow. Otherwise.. what happens to a constricted, blocked wind..?

    anita

    in reply to: Alienation or abandonment looking for insight #440812
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Beni:

    It’s so wonderful to read back from you so soon following my post! 😊 Your message brought a big smile to my face. I’m really glad that my words made you feel supported and cared for. Your childlike joy is contagious, and I’m cheering you on every step of the way.

    Thank you for the big hug! Your openness and honesty make our conversations special. Keep being your amazing self!

    Sending you a warm virtual hug back! 🤗

    anita

    in reply to: ☀️ 🪷 #440809
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jana:

    This quote from the Buddha speaks about maintaining compassion and loving-kindness, even in the face of extreme adversity and cruelty. The idea that we should not allow hatred to take root, even when faced with unimaginable suffering, highlights the depth of Buddhist teachings on non-violence and inner peace. The emphasis is on training our minds to remain unaffected and to cultivate compassion, even towards those who harm us. This teaching challenges us to rise above our instinctual reactions and aim for a higher state of consciousness where love and compassion prevail over hatred and harm.

    I want to think about it further Wed morning and get back to you. What are your thoughts on this quote? How do you think we can apply these teachings in our everyday lives?

    anita

    in reply to: Blank Canvas #440808
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Peter:

    Thank you for sharing your reflections. It’s good to hear from you.

    Your contemplation on living out your beliefs and the dance between the temporal and eternal resonates. It’s a profound journey to remain aware of both the immediate, measurable experiences of life and the eternal essence that underlies it all.

    In Alan Watts’ quote, the “devil” represents our own inner fears, doubts, and self-sabotaging tendencies. When Watts says, “if you’re going to outwit the devil, it’s terribly important that you don’t give him any advance notice,” he means, as I understand it, that if you want to overcome your inner struggles/ anxiety or self-destructive habits, you shouldn’t overthink or over-plan it. If you give too much advance notice (overthinking) to your inner “devil,” you create unnecessary anxiety or resistance within yourself.

    In essence, it’s about taking action without overanalyzing getting in the way. Dancing through life, as you put it, is about. carefree spontaneity.

    Your metaphor of the blank canvas and the dance of forgetting the rules to truly dance is beautifully insightful. It highlights the importance of learning, integrating, and then transcending structured knowledge (the temporal) to embrace a more natural state of being, a more fluid and harmonious way of living (the eternal).

    I would like to read your 2nd recent post in tomorrow morning and reply further. I hope that other members reply to you as well.

    Take good care of yourself, hope you outwit the devil!

    anita

    in reply to: Alienation or abandonment looking for insight #440805
    anita
    Participant

    Dear beni:

    I appreciate the humor in your inappropriate reporting comment 🙂

    At the end of your previous post, you asked me: “What do you think of that? Have you been through something similar?”

    I can relate to the struggles you face, particularly to your very difficult relationship with your mother and the consequences of that relationship on you.

    This is what you shared about your mother and the relationship with her (June 2023-July 2024): “I still do not trust her (do not open up) and make sure to keep her on distance… Yes, the word martyr fits in well… I belief she couldn’t give me space, maybe I was part of meeting her needs. Like when you ask ‘how are you’ but actually you create space to tell how you feel…my mom started crying and she was like that’s not fair and so and so…I told her then: ‘I don’t want to answer to you if you look at me like this’…I do not have space for her pain in these situations because of my own pain…I couldn’t set boundaries as a child there was no space for it…she would say I need to do something right now! And I couldn’t do it. I’d just sat and looked at her. I… needed to… understand why it was so important and needed to be done right now… I can’t take it if it’s being pushed around… I talk about a situation where I showed myself vulnerable last year… and instead of being listened to, she started with her pain cause there was a space for it… It would accumulate and then at one point cause she needed support she’d lose it in a sense that she is crying and overwhelmed…. probably her need got very urgent she could breakdown or get bossy… my mother would struggle to stand up for herself… she would be emotional, and it would not make sense in a logic way…. For sure she did abuse her powers. I can just hardly remember. I think/feel it’s something like my space. She was too close. There was not enough space for me…. I don’t think she could care much about my emotional needs…. My mom would always want to know how our day was or his day at work and we did not really wanna answer. It didn’t feel right. It was/is often a too open a question and doesn’t feel safe to reply. It’s in… When you don’t listen but project yourself on the reply, it can be painful to the replier…. By not expressing myself I protect my Mom from worrying or meet her need for control. If she makes a request and I’m not sure that it’s selfless I can’t do it. I think I can’t visit her for a while now…If I give her affection in a way I enable something I do not want to enable. I need affection from her first. It gives her allowance to be weak, but I need a strong mother. I need an anchor…. I would agree to her only being able to accept me if I meet her need. Yes, I draw a line. My body draws a line. Yes, it’s very essential, it is to maintain my Identity and my will… She gets a fierce look. As if she’s made responsible for something which is my fault…I think she believes it’s my duty as her child to support her…I think I want her to really see me and see me equal. I have the same right to choose the task as she does. It’s not really about the task it’s about control and me making a statement that I do not wish to be controlled. I want to be asked what I would like to do and what is needed. I want my support to be valued and not taken for granted…I’ve been thinking that I am dependent on her (subconscious). Cause I noticed that the things which stress her out like go traveling, working a regular job, not misusing drugs, having a girlfriend are things I struggle(d) creating for myself. It sometimes feels like that I am my mom, and myself is this thing I can’t control. And all I wish is that I would not need to care about myself. It would just do what it is supposed to do.”

    I can relate, beni, to not trusting your mother, to experiencing a significant level of emotional disconnect from her, to having a need to protect yourself from her, to having a mother with a Martyr Complex, where she fulfills some of her emotional needs through her interactions with her son (or daughter), making it very difficult for the son (or daughter) to express- let alone assert- your own needs and feelings, as her needs took precedence.

    I can relate to having a mother with a strong need to control and dominate. I relate to having an emotionally volatile mother, which makes it very difficult to establish a sense of personal space, and which made it very difficult for me to share anything with her for fear of an overwhelming emotional over-response.

    I can relate to having a conditional and unbalanced relationship with one’s mother (as a child and as an adult), and how damaging it is. I very much relate to feeling conflicted, desiring to separate my identity from hers but struggling to do so.

    I relate to the experience of (emotional) parentification, where the son or daughter takes on a caregiver role for one’s mother, fulfilling her emotional needs instead of receiving appropriate support and care from her. And I can relate to codependency, where your sense of self-worth and identity are entangled with your mother’s needs and behaviors. This dynamic made it very, very challenging for me, as an adult, let alone as a child, to assert independence and establish healthy boundaries (well, I didn’t for decades).

    I relate to Emotional Enmeshment where the emotional states and needs of one person (the mother) overly influence and dominate the other person’s (the son’s, or daughter’s) emotional well-being.

    I relate to the fear of abandonment, and to insecure attachment patterns where safety and security in relationships are compromised by inconsistent and intrusive behaviors on the part of the mother.

    If you would like, we can further discuss the above. Overall, beni, I appreciate your openness and honesty about the struggles and victories in your journey. It’s evident that you’re growing and finding new ways to cope and thrive. Keep embracing those small steps forward. Stay strong and keep nurturing that beautiful relationship with yourself.

    anita

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lulu:

    Good to read from you again! Thank you for sharing your story and updates. I can see how much you’re going through, and it’s clear that you’re trying to navigate incredibly challenging circumstances. Your experiences and feelings are valid, and it’s important to acknowledge both the progress you’ve made and the obstacles you continue to face.

    First, I want to recognize your efforts to seek therapy and work on your mental health. It’s not easy, but reaching out for professional support is a significant step. It’s great that you’re considering talking to a psychologist for a proper diagnosis to ensure you get the specific treatment you need.

    Your relationship with your family, especially your mother, sounds vey complicated and painful. Losing your sister is a profound loss, and it’s understandable that both you and your mother are struggling to cope. The tension and misunderstandings between you and your mother have clearly taken a toll on both of you.

    It’s also important to address the trust issues with your former therapist. Trust is crucial in any therapeutic relationship, and it’s understandable why you would feel betrayed if your confidentiality was breached. Continuing to find professional help that you feel comfortable with is essential for your healing process.

    Regarding your current situation with your mother, it might be helpful to establish some clear and respectful boundaries to protect both your well-being and hers. It’s also okay to prioritize your own mental health and well-being by creating a safe space for yourself, whether that’s on campus or elsewhere.

    Your anxiety about bringing your boyfriend around your family and your feelings of isolation are valid concerns. It’s important to find a balance that allows you to maintain relationships while also managing your mental health. Communicating openly with your boyfriend about your needs and boundaries can help strengthen your relationship with him.

    Remember, healing takes time, and it’s okay to take things one step at a time. You’re showing a lot of resilience by reaching out and seeking support, and that’s something to be proud of.

    Take care, and please continue to reach out for support whenever you need it.

    anita

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Robi:

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts. It’s great to see you embracing changes and finding a work environment that suits you. Working from a café with your girlfriend and enjoying music sounds like a nice setup.

    It’s good to read that the message resonated with you. This year has indeed been intense for many, with lots of changes and challenges. Your interest in astrology makes sense if it helps you understand your experiences better.

    Focusing on your online job and finding similar opportunities reads like a smart move. Since you’re not a fan of the structured environment of schools, exploring different options where you have more control is a great idea.

    The “now what” question is crucial. Knowing the root of your struggles is a big step, and now it’s about making changes that align with this new understanding. Start with small, manageable changes and build from there.

    You’re on a promising path. Keep going, and I wish you all the best in your journey.

    anita

    P.S. Cherish the Love is a great song choice! Music can really elevate the mood.

    in reply to: Passing clouds #440792
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zenith:

    I wanted to add that the first time I read your recent message was yesterday afternoon while sitting in the car (not while driving!) I don’t use my phone to reply because it’s difficult for me and I figured I’ll do it later. But reading it, I felt that I was reading something very special, as in the best thing I ever read on the forums. It felt very special. I also felt grateful to you for caring to send this message to me. So, thank you, Zenith!

    anita

    in reply to: Advice #440780
    anita
    Participant

    Dear CKS: sorry for repeating this part: “However, if the behavior continues despite your request, or if it escalates, consider reporting it to a trusted adult or school authority for further support”, still it’s a good point (if I make it just one time). I hope to read back from you.

    anita

    in reply to: Passing clouds #440779
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Zenith:

    I’m really glad I could be there for you. It means a lot to me to read that I’ve been able to make a difference during some of your toughest times. You’ve shown incredible strength in managing everything, especially when it’s hard to talk about mental health. Remember, you’re no alone in this, and I’m always here to listen and support you. Take care, and don’t hesitate to reach out whenever you need to share or just want to talk.

    anita

     

    in reply to: Advice #440778
    anita
    Participant

    Dear CKS:

    I understand your frustration and the need to address this situation. Here are a few suggestions for responding in a way that is assertive, yet respectful:

    Hi CC,

    I hope you’re doing well. I wanted to talk about something that happened on the bus today. When you and your friends were repeatedly saying my full name, it felt a bit uncomfortable for me. I’m sure you didn’t mean any harm, but I’d appreciate it if we could avoid that in the future.

    Thanks for understanding.

    Best regards, [Your Name]

    Keeping the message calm and respectful helps prevent escalation and opens the door for a constructive dialogue. Clearly stating how the behavior made you feel and asking for it to stop is important.  Acknowledging that the behavior might not have been intended to harm can help de-escalate any potential defensiveness.

    * If the behavior continues despite your request, or if it escalates, consider reporting it to a trusted adult or school authority for further support.

    Sending a respectful and clear message can often resolve issues like this. However, if the behavior continues despite your request, or if it escalates, consider reporting it to a trusted adult or school authority for further support.

    Feel free to adjust the message as you see fit, and remember, you have every right to feel safe and respected at school. 😊

    anita

     

    in reply to: Alienation or abandonment looking for insight #440777
    anita
    Participant

    Dear beni:

    Thank you for your kind words. I’m truly touched to red about your progress and the positive changes you’re experiencing. It sounds like you’re making significant strides in your journey toward healing and personal growth.

    I want to respond to your recent post more thoroughly tomorrow, but for now: your experience with romantic love and the clarity you’ve gained through it is profound. It’s wonderful that you’re finding a sense of calm and presence in your daily life. The work you’re doing with your psychologist in Gestalt therapy and focusing on your inner child seems to be making a real difference.

    Feeling love and compassion for yourself, as you describe, is such a beautiful and crucial step. The fact that you can genuinely feel these self-affirmations and physical gestures of self-love indicates deep healing. It’s also great to read about your new language learning endeavor and how your brain is naturally stimulated by new experiences.

    Your plan to face anxieties by starting with yourself—talking, playing, and taking yourself on dates like going to the cinema—is a fantastic approach. Building a secure attachment with yourself first is a powerful strategy. It lays a strong foundation for healthy relationships with others.

    I’ve found that creating secure attachments and nurturing self-compassion can be incredibly healing. Engaging in activities alone can help build confidence and comfort in your own company, which then enhances your interactions with others. Your insights are wise, and it’s inspiring to read about your journey.

    I’m cheering you on as you continue to explore these new aspects of your life. Please keep sharing your successes and insights—they’re truly uplifting.

    Take care, I’m looking forward to reading more about your progress. I will add to this post to you again Tues morning (it’s Mon afternoon here).

    anita

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Robi: You are very welcome! I will reply further later.

    in reply to: Confused about relationship – Need help #440757
    anita
    Participant

    You are welcome, antarkala, and thank you for the offer. I am not used to getting (or responding to) such an offer. I appreciate it though, and will try to remember it.

    anita

Viewing 15 posts - 61 through 75 (of 2,533 total)