Hey Confused:

“I feel robotic, like a shell of my former self”-

It’s no wonder, in my mind, that your former self disappeared almost, leaving nothing but a shell behind.

I would disappear too if I was constantly being questioned or interrogated: ‘you don’t want her? You don’t crave her? WHY? ..?..?..?’

It’s this obsessive questioning.. it’d tire anyone, would make anyone disappear (not wanting to be present for the exhausting and annoying ongoing interrogations).

🤔 Anita

Good morning, Confused 🙂

Oh, I understand now what you meant yesterday when you wrote that your mind would blame her and make her a scapegoat.

You meant that when you feel “so down and empty,”, your brain goes to thinking of ending the relationship with her, as if she’s the reason you feel so-down-and-empty. Right?

If I understand correctly (and please let me know), your brain repeatedly identifies her as the Problem, and the Solution therefore is to end things with her.

From everything you described in the last few months, her behavior (what she says and does) doesn’t seem objectively problematic (it’s the exact opposite, she says and does kind, loving things).

So, what is the Problem?

I figure the Problem is how you F.E.E.L about the kind and loving things she says and does (e.x. gifts).

If you’re not used to being on the receiving end of Love, it can feel strange and uncomfortable, as in- it’s only a matter of time before her love changes to her hurting you..

And your brain, trying to protect you from expected hurt, screams at you:

“‘HAVE TO’ end things with her” (your words in your last post).

What do you think or feel about what I just wrote? 🤔

🤍 Anita

Dear Mollie:

I’m glad to read that you’re focusing on yourself and on your studies.

Maybe, just maybe what your brother needs is space, distance- to not be focused on by your mother (however caring she is)?

I don’t know, just thinking out loud.

Was at the taproom, to be closed for good in 2 hours. Saw familiar face, heard familiar sounds of people I only wish to see/ hear again somewhere else: Kym and Chris, Kim and Tod and Greg and Adam and so many others. A closing of a 2017-2026 era.

Thank you, Mollie, for being the uniquely caring, intelligent young person that you are.

🙏 🤍 💚 Anita

Hey Confused:

“Anf ofc my mind would blame the girl haha seems like the scapegoat”- I don’t understand this part. Can you explain it to me 🙂?

“We are the same on this Anita, I wonder why is that?”- the two of us having had mothers who weren’t what mothers are supposed to be?

Supportive, consistent, dependable.. sensible?

🌙 Anita (Fri 8:16 pm here, Sat 6:16 am there)

Hey Dear Confused: I’ll be away for a few hours (last night at the taproom, business going out of business)- will reply later tonight. (using computer, no emojis, ha-ha)

“The tragedy of a nervous system that has forgotten its rhythm”, “how a compassionate heart naturally moves”, and “the heart mistakes it’s own hardening for strength”.

I want to meditate on this for a while, on how it applies or applied to me, and how softness and strength can co-exist.

There’s plenty more for me to read in this piece and contemplate in the next few days. Thank you, Peter.

🤍 Anita

Good morning- evening, Confused 🙂

I understand it being confusing, annoying and scary- all at the same time, like having 2 selves, or being split into two parts: the one that feels love and wants to be with her, and the other part that doesn’t.

And then trying to bridge the gap between the 2 parts by relentless questioning, checking, googling, etc, that doesn’t work.

CBT works for a lot of people because there’s a strong connection between what you feel (or don’t feel) and what you think. Often people think what is not true to reality (aka distorted thinking), and CBT (the Cognitive Therapy part) is about correcting distorted thinking.

When that happens, feeling respond and the two (thinking and feelings) are no longer conflicted/ confusing.

CBT is different from psychoanalysis: Yyou don’t have to talk about your childhood (unless you want to, I guess).

Yes, I don’t like gifts.. nor do I like holidays and celebrations.

Back to CBT- it works for me because, like I said, when distorted/ untrue/ false thinking and core beliefs (example of one: ‘if I don’t feel love for her all the time, or every time I think of her, then I don’t love her/ I will hurt- disappoint her’) are corrected within your own mind, good things happen (mental health, clarity, stability).

😱=>🙂, 🥶=>😉, 👎=>👍 Anita