Hey 👋 Confused:

I used the 🖥 right above, had it only for a few moments. Now, I’m back to my 📱, hence the emojis 🙂

I like it that your new therapist was taking notes of everything ✔️

The fact that you shared everything with her (your gf): your fears, your “weird” thoughts- that’s very meaningful- you trusted her.

And then, that trust scared you because trust was not something you grew up with?

I am hopeful about your new therapy. Here, in this thread, I am like (an older) friend, not a therapist, just a person to think with, gently.

A personal note: I’m a bit excited for you, hopeful. And a bit romantic in that it seems to me that what you have with gf is special, precious, a real connection. And that’s why it caused all that shutdown and doubts-

Not because the relationship was lacking, but because it was wonderful.

✔️📱🌙🐇 (don’t know, I just like rabbits) Anita

Hey Confused:

You asked earlier:

“Why don’t I have emotional permanence?”-

It makes sense to me that your feelings show up strongly when you’re close to her — in person or on videocall — and then go quiet when the moment passes. For someone who grew up in a chaotic home, feelings often come in bursts of intensity and then disappear.

It’s not that the feelings weren’t real. It’s that your system learned to “turn the volume down” when things feel too big or too close. That’s not wrong — it’s just how you learned to cope.

And you also asked:

“Could I be avoiding the emotions ending things would bring? But if that’s what I wanted, why doesn’t this thought bring me peace?”-

I think the reason the thought doesn’t bring you peace is because you don’t actually want to lose her. Even when your feelings go quiet, you still care.

You’re confused, not indifferent.

Ending things would bring its own kind of pain, and your mind knows that. So, of course the idea doesn’t feel peaceful.

Both of these things — the fading of feelings and the fear of ending things — make sense when someone has had to protect themselves emotionally for a long time. None of it means you’re doing something wrong.

🌿Anita

Good morning-night, Confused, and may that immense guilt not wake up when you do. May it 🙏 be gone.

Back 2 u tomorrow.

🌙 Anita

Hey soon2b 😴 💤 Confused:

Your last paragraph doesn’t contradict my last message: moving to another country (Germany, for the duration of her studies?) was indeed “too much” for you (as it would be for a lot of people, if not most people).

“Too much”=> Shutdown.

Fantasizing for months about being together, that’s nice. It’s safe. But actually moving to another country and actually living with a woman.. why, that’s another ball game.

“I feel guilty/ shameful”- that’s what I would work on in therapy (and perhaps elaborate on it here).

You feel ashamed of how you feel?

Whatever you feel, Confused, is 👍- you have the right to feel-or-not-to-feel.

😜 😔 😡 😠 🐇 Anita

I didn’t understand a part of your recent post. I understood the last sentence-question.

Yes, it makes sense to me that you’d be avoiding intimacy because intimacy is about intense feelings.

😬 😳 😅 😫 😩 Anita

Hey Confused:

Calmer is very good 🙂

What you described about lights feeling tiring makes sense. When your nervous system is overloaded or recovering from overload, even normal sensory input can feel like “too much.”

About therapy: you don’t need to know the exact “type” of therapist right now. What matters most is that you describe your experiences clearly — the panic, the emotional crash, the numbness, zoning out, lights feeling too intense, the exhaustion. Any good therapist can work with that. If she feels you need a combination of approaches, she’ll guide you.

You already did something really helpful by documenting everything for your appointment. That’s exactly what therapists need — your lived experience, not a diagnosis. You’re doing the right things, step by step.

🌿 Anita