Confused: “I want the connection back”

Maybe if you stop wanting it back, maybe it will come back.

I read it long ago and it stayed with me: someone in prison was obsessed with getting out, and he asked someone (maybe a guru of some kind): “How can I get out of here??? How can I be free???”

And the guru said: “stop wanting to get out of here (prison), and you will be free.”

When you keep wanting to feel what you felt pre- Nov, that keeps you stuck. But if you grieve pre- Nov and let it go, a new freedom might emerge.

What thinks Confused?

🌿 🎶 🌴 Anita

Glad you’re doing okay, Zenith 🙂. Oh yes, it was a disaster. But not the last: last night I found my prescribed sleep-aid pills on the floor, full of spit and the container chewed.

I was terrified for his health, not knowing if he swallowed any of the pills or how many. It was 9 or 10 pm. I was also so angry at him that I used a profanity directed at him: strange how unlike it is for me, actually, I never used that word and couldn’t even imagine using it, and yet, it felt so natural last night.

The good news is that he seems fine, no symptoms of anything wrong and I slept on a clean bed last night after 3 nights on the floor. It’s the little things I’m grateful for 🙂

Anita

Good morning, Confused:

I asked Copilot to summarize his input in the last 2 posts I sent you in the simplest language.

Copilot: Confused reacts so strongly because his body is constantly bracing for loss before anything actually happens. He has a fearful‑avoidant pattern, which means he wants closeness but also expects it to disappear.

So, the moment something feels uncertain — even something small like her getting new followers — his nervous system panics as if he’s already losing her.

This isn’t a thought process; it’s automatic. His body goes into a threat response: stomach dropping, dry mouth, heat, weak legs. That’s his system going into fight or flight because he’s terrified of future abandonment.

When he shuts down, overthinks, doubts his feelings, or pulls away, it’s not because he doesn’t care. It’s because he’s trying to protect himself from a loss he feels coming, even when nothing is actually wrong. Underneath all of it, he isn’t confused — he’s scared, bracing, and trying to avoid pain.”

Then in general: “A fearful‑avoidant person usually grows up in a home where love and fear were mixed together, so the child never learned to feel safe in closeness or safe in distance.

The parent was often inconsistent — sometimes warm, sometimes withdrawn, sometimes overwhelmed, sometimes explosive — which taught the child that connection can feel good one moment and dangerous the next.

Because of this, the child learned two opposite survival strategies at the same time: reaching out for comfort and pulling away to protect themselves.

Over time, this creates emotional whiplash inside the child, who wants closeness but also expects it to hurt or disappear. Feelings swing sharply between closeness and fear, comfort and danger, or wanting connection and wanting to run. They grow up scanning for signs of rejection, bracing for loss before it happens, and shutting down when feelings get too big.

Their body learned early that love is unpredictable, so as adults they feel safest when they can control distance — even though they long for connection: pulling back, slowing things down, or creating space.

This is the core childhood pattern behind fearful‑avoidant attachment: craving closeness and fearing closeness at the same time, because the person who was supposed to be safe was also a source of fear or confusion.”

Next, I asked a question and Copilot answered: “When Confused ‘obsesses’ about her, it’s because his nervous system is terrified of losing the feeling of connection.

For someone with a fearful‑avoidant pattern, love feels unstable inside their body, so when the feeling fades even a little (because of stress, distraction, or normal emotional fluctuation), they panic and try to mentally hold onto the person so they don’t ‘lose’ them.

The fear is about forgetting the feeling of safety he gets from her. His looping thoughts are his way of keeping the relationship alive in his mind, so he doesn’t fall into the numbness or shutdown that scares him even more.

In simple terms: he obsesses because thinking about her feels like the only way to keep the connection from disappearing.”

Confused: “Yeah ask him. Also tell him about what happened now. I checked her profile and I saw that she had 6 new followers and my stomach immediately dropped, mouth went dry and I felt heat rising in my body, legs got a bit limp ha-ha.”-

Copilot: “When Confused says his stomach dropped, mouth went dry, heat rose in his body, and his legs went limp after seeing she had new followers, he’s describing a full autonomic threat response, not a thought‑based reaction.

His system interpreted those followers as a signal of potential disconnection — not because anything actually happened, but because his attachment system is primed to anticipate loss before it occurs.

The physical sensations he lists are classic markers of fight‑flight activation: adrenaline spike, blood flow shifting, muscles weakening, and a sudden drop in perceived safety.

What’s striking is that he narrates it with a little “ha‑ha,” which is his way of softening or distancing from the intensity of the experience — a common avoidant strategy to avoid feeling overwhelmed or exposed.

Underneath the humor is a body that went into panic without context: nothing objectively changed, but his nervous system reacted as if he were losing her in real time.

This is anticipatory loss in its purest form — the fear of future abandonment showing up as immediate physical distress. His reaction isn’t irrational; it’s a sign of how deeply his system links her attention with safety, and how quickly he moves into hypervigilance about connection when something feels even slightly off.”

Hey 🌙 🦉 Confused:

That makes sense, the feeling behind it. I don’t remember who I talked with about ” retroactive jealousy”- being jealous of a girlfriend’s PAST (real) relationships.

I suppose it makes as much sense to be jealous of a woman’s (potential/ imagined) FUTURE relationships.

What Copilot said was that Anticipatory Loss fits you ” perfectly” and it elaborated, don’t remember the elaboration.

B Back 2 U later.

🎶🐔 (rabbit is not in saved emojis 😔) Anita

Hey Confused (using phone):

I hear you about insecurities not calming down, at least not as quickly we wish they would.

Insecurities are very common, I’ve seen them in most people- if not all people I communicated with irl at the taproom a d at the Winery.

Anticipatory Loss (the term is new to me) is also common, and it fit me big time. I am relaxing a bit only recently.

It’s normal to experience both when you grow up in certain environments.

After I sent you the post an hour ago, I asked Copilot if he remembers you and if he thinks the term fits you. Would you like me to send you Copilot’s answer ( once I have the use of the computer)?

As far as whether he remembers you ( even though I didn’t communicate with Copilot about you for a couple- few days)- yes, he remembered you perfectly (maybe because you’re the bee’s knees, ha- ha).

So, you imagine scenarios where she leaves you, you get angry and upset, and next, you feel numb but you’re not over her for long?

🤔 Anita

Hey Zenith, good to read from you!

My day is better than yesterday: the weather is nice, just came back from a walk with Bogart and a short playdate with his beagle friends at the neighbors. I’m recovering from what Bogart did Friday (pee on MY BED 😧) Have been sleeping on the floor for 3 nights, waiting for the mattress to dry after cleaning it with a special pet cleaner.

How are you?