Regarding the “it” we, who grew up in “loud, obnoxious, negative and angry” homes (Adrian’s words) can’t face –

In my experience- IT is how terrible it really was growing up in a hostile home. We soften the reality we survived, making believe that the people who terribly harmed us are really good people who offered us a “good childhood” (Adrian’s words)

It’s what a child does to survive a hostile home :see the ones who caused severe harm as kind, nice, lovely people- it makes the child feels safer.

In adulthood, the make- believe doesn’t hold water, so the anxiety keeps going and going, changing shapes and forms, but it stays.

Because we didn’t face the truth- not because we’re not intelligent- but because it’s normal and instinctive for a child to soften reality, so to survive it.

I kept seeing my mother as a good person even though I was angry at her for so long, thinking of her as a Monster (not a Mother).

I figured long, long ago, as a child, that the fault was mine, that I was bad ( well, she told me I was bad, again and again and again).

It’s natural, instinctive for a child to take the blame (and the shame) even when not directly accused, blamed and shamed.

Taking that on feels more survivable than the alternative: that we are really (really) stuck with a person who is harming us.

Anita

Hey Rich:

I just came back from a walk, and during the walk I remembered your screen name: NONAME! I then placed noname in the search bar above and got access to your past threads.

Your first post in the forums was on March 15, 2017. You were 25 at the time, attending grad school for counseling and planning on being a therapist.

Your last post- before your return today- was on Jan 8, 2024.

Thank you, Rich for remembering me and for your kind words, they mean a lot! And you are welcome. Communicating with you over the years has been very meaningful to me.

By the way, I sent you a message on April 20, 2025, in your last thread, asking about you.

Anytime you want to come back and talk with me, please do.

Your message made my day!

🕊️🌿✨ 🤍Anita

Dear Rich:

I am thrilled to read from you! I just spent a long time going back page by page all the way to pg 439, looking for your threads before giving up.

I will write more later.

For now, thank you for returning here with gratitude 🙏

Anita

Hey ✨ Confused:

I see how confusing it is to recognize yourself in all those trauma patterns while still feeling unsure whether they really apply to you. That’s actually very common for people who grew up in difficult homes — the mind understands the patterns long before the heart feels safe enough to admit what happened.

What you describe with your girlfriend — feeling close, then suddenly getting intrusive thoughts or doubts — fits exactly with a nervous system that learned early on to stay alert, even during good moments.

None of this means something is wrong with you. It just means your body learned to protect you in ways that made sense back then (living with a violent mother as a boy and all the way to age 20) and those habits are still unwinding now. You don’t have to force anything or label yourself. Just noticing these patterns with honesty is already a big step.

🌼🤍 Anita

Adrian Gallardo: “I wish I could just face whatever ( I need to face) and move on. I just don’t know what ‘it’ is” ( April 4, 2017)

I am using my phone, so I’ll go back to page 1 in search of the “it” and post next.

Good Thursday Mollie!

I’m sorry the interview went badly and that you didn’t get the outcome you hoped for. What stands out to me, though, is how you’re letting yourself feel the disappointment without going into self‑blame- and that’s healthy 🙂

About the emotional eating — the important part is the way you noticed it, reflected on it, and didn’t spiral. You didn’t binge. You didn’t disconnect. You didn’t punish yourself afterward. You just had a sad moment and ate while sad — which is something every human being does sometimes.

The important part is that you’re relating to it differently now, with awareness and gentleness. That’s what recovery looks like in real life. ✨✨✨ When a coping mechanism is truly losing its grip, it doesn’t disappear overnight — it just stops feeling like the only option, and it loses its intensity and its power. And that’s what you’re describing.

Bogart was named after Humphrey Bogart, the famous 1940s movie star, Bogart has been a good boy for the 2nd day (and night) in a row! How is Ralph the cockapoo a naughty boy? I was wondering (my analytical mind was wondering) were you scratched by a cat years before you were bitten by a dog?

Anita

He is 10 months old, like an adolescent puppy. Very impulsive, on top of being a beagle ( led by his nose more than any other dog breed).

He’s sleeping on his dog bed right now, and mostly, he behaves very well today

This whole experience makes me appreciate how difficult it must be being a parent of young ones. Kuddos to you, Zenith!

I can tell you for sure, I am not getting a second 🐕. As lovely as Bogart is, he .. literally takes my breath away, as in.. now what???