Well, dear Confused, I don’t think it happened suddenly because stress has been building up “since the beginning” (you checking and analyzing the interactions with her). I suppose stress built up over time.

I mean, it wasn’t calm & happily-ever-after and then.. BOOM.

I said that you don’t trust your love for her because you’re overly afraid to hurt her (you said that many times). As in something hurtful or harmful can come out of your love for her.

I 👍 it that there’re 2 🙂s and only 1 😔 in your message right above.

🙂 Anita

How R U, Caroline?

A month and 3 days since you posted last. Thinking about you, Robi- from- Romania 🇷🇴.

I talked to a Polish- American woman the other day. I asked her what she thinks of Romania. She said it’s a beautiful country but lots of Romanians look for opportunities in Poland 🇵🇱 because it’s a much richer country.

Do you agree?

🇵🇱 🇷🇴 🇺🇸 Anita

Hi Peter:

I would like to withdraw my question above, it’s a silly question. Of course you didn’t suggest empathy without discernment 🙂

Also, please ignore my political commentary: your post was not political but psychological and spiritual and I want to respect what you brought up and not get carried away with what’s not relevant to your message.

I looked up “empathy as a sin” and found out there’s a book with this title and that it’s an idea promoted within Christian Nationalists, giving up on empathy in the name of righteousness.

I don’t want to get political, so my musings will be about the psychological- spiritual aspect.

First, I must say, I feel an attraction toward the clear, unambiguous thinking of extreme religion/ politics. Growing up in chaos and no- sense, I have a hunger for order and unambiguous clarity.

So, I can.. almost participate, emotionally, in the message that empathy for SOME people is a.. sin. There’s an attraction to the idea 💡 that there are people over there who don’t deserve empathy, and me and we in this group do.

Is this kind of thinking-feeling what you referred to as “shadow”, Peter?

Why would I, a person cast away, rejected as a child and as a teenager, and onward, feel comfort in the idea of belonging to a group that rejects others?

Because I’m finally in the rejecting vs the rejected side.

The middle way, accepting and being accepted, is less powerful, emotionally because it wasn’t anything I experienced.

When you grow up so very rejected by others, being a part of the other side feels exhilirating, as in finally, I am in the “in”, (rejecting) group!

For a child painfully rejected, judged as unworthy and inferior, there are only 2 camps: the rejected and the rejecting. And of these 2 camps, the second is the draw, the first is forever painful.

Perhaps the softening of the heart is about seeing a third option, a middle way, and placing the attention and focus there.

I hope that it’s okay with you, Peter, that I develop these thoughts later.

💡 🤔 💡 Anita

Hey Confused:

In regard to my theory (mentioned in my last post) I was referring to not receiving love (at least not consistent, dependable love) growing up, so you weren’t used to being on the receiving end of love that you can trust (to not end in hurt at any time)

Fast forward, this young woman showing you consistent, dependable love and you are bamboozled (I am not sure this word fits here, but it better because I just love that word 😏).

Anyway, you are not used to what she offers you (consistent, dependable love), you don’t trust it, you’re caught unprepared, so you keep preparing to end it.

Now, this theory doesn’t explain everything neatly (I “hear” you saying ‘But’), but sincerely, I believe it to be true 👍

Constantly checking with AI if what she said to you in context was good/ positive and if what you said to her was wrong- that’s difficult to live like this. I am sorry 😔

My understanding is that you don’t trust LOVE- not hers and not yours (being afraid to hurt her).

Overall, again, my impression over the months is that there’s real love here on both sides, and that on your part, you don’t trust it.

What happens next, I don’t know. I hope therapy helps. I hope you do the work with the CBT therapist and that it’d make a big difference (in small accumulating increments, one day, one step at a time).

🙏 🤍 ✨️ Anita

Hey Confused:

“I feel robotic, like a shell of my former self”-

It’s no wonder, in my mind, that your former self disappeared almost, leaving nothing but a shell behind.

I would disappear too if I was constantly being questioned or interrogated: ‘you don’t want her? You don’t crave her? WHY? ..?..?..?’

It’s this obsessive questioning.. it’d tire anyone, would make anyone disappear (not wanting to be present for the exhausting and annoying ongoing interrogations).

🤔 Anita

Good morning, Confused 🙂

Oh, I understand now what you meant yesterday when you wrote that your mind would blame her and make her a scapegoat.

You meant that when you feel “so down and empty,”, your brain goes to thinking of ending the relationship with her, as if she’s the reason you feel so-down-and-empty. Right?

If I understand correctly (and please let me know), your brain repeatedly identifies her as the Problem, and the Solution therefore is to end things with her.

From everything you described in the last few months, her behavior (what she says and does) doesn’t seem objectively problematic (it’s the exact opposite, she says and does kind, loving things).

So, what is the Problem?

I figure the Problem is how you F.E.E.L about the kind and loving things she says and does (e.x. gifts).

If you’re not used to being on the receiving end of Love, it can feel strange and uncomfortable, as in- it’s only a matter of time before her love changes to her hurting you..

And your brain, trying to protect you from expected hurt, screams at you:

“‘HAVE TO’ end things with her” (your words in your last post).

What do you think or feel about what I just wrote? 🤔

🤍 Anita

Dear Mollie:

I’m glad to read that you’re focusing on yourself and on your studies.

Maybe, just maybe what your brother needs is space, distance- to not be focused on by your mother (however caring she is)?

I don’t know, just thinking out loud.

Was at the taproom, to be closed for good in 2 hours. Saw familiar face, heard familiar sounds of people I only wish to see/ hear again somewhere else: Kym and Chris, Kim and Tod and Greg and Adam and so many others. A closing of a 2017-2026 era.

Thank you, Mollie, for being the uniquely caring, intelligent young person that you are.

🙏 🤍 💚 Anita