Dear Clara:

You are welcome.

“This morning, it did come across to me that maybe it is better if we are apart….Maybe she has been suffering for a while and honestly I do not want her to be scared and suffer anymore. Together or not“- I boldfaced what love is about.

“Anyhow, I will continue to see the issue that is happening on my side, will go to therapy tomorrow. Will see what comes up“- I think that by this time, you already had your therapy session, and In wonder how what transpired and how you are feeling.

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

“When I am not on the site for a couple weeks, does it make you feel like I am selfish, using you, or cold?”- no. When you don’t reply to me for an couple of weeks, I think that you don’t have a desire to talk to me, or you have the desire to not talk to me. At times I felt a bit hurt, a bit angry.

“Also I apologize for my horribly grammatical phone message here a couple weeks ago“- I didn’t notice or I don’t remember a horribly grammatical message by you.

“but you did great with it!“- thank you!

“To your post June 12th“… did you behave coldly and selfishly with him- Sometimes? Often? Rarely? Never?”- Not never… I went silent and cold, while being kind and straight forward… him calling me cold sometimes is accurate”- it’s a good thing that you didn’t go silent and cold and then erupt with rage (my mother’s pattern).

When you say “silent and cold”, you mean silently hurt and angry?

“For me ‘my true self was warm, but then was terribly abused, twisted into knots and generally emptied of the feeling of warmth. Leading to me feeling cold. My dad was also paranoid and emotionally detached from me, angry at me.. And I also feel it created an angry, judgmental and misguided loyalty. Everyone hurt him so I hated everyone including myself. All with the purpose of his acceptance, ‘togetherness.'”-

– wait, these are your words or mine (all of it, with warmth substituting the feeling of being ALIVE (my words).. ?

“I am trying to put together how/ which experiences I went through created this ‘barren emptiness.’… I felt the majority of my real self was rejected and judged by N…. It is out of the relationship, the past 6 months that I have been able to be my real self, I am not afraid to be rejected by new people and find it so exciting to find people who are real with me. That attitude has lead me to new relationships with new people”– I boldfaced the good news: you are mentally healthier following the breakup, congrats!!!

“Yes, I very intentionally have time before having my own hatchlings. I want to make sure I am swimming in the correct direction, to the right beach.“- swimming in the correct direction is key (It’s the journey)

anita

How are you this evening (your time, I believe), Caroline?

anita

Dear Harry:

You are welcome. “Yesterday she even met my dad …. If I’m totally honest I don’t know if it is going to work… I’m going to continue playing it how it has been before… She’s still excited for me to come to Australia and so am I“-

– she might be thinking that you are serious about her, being that you introduced her to your father yesterday. When in Australia, she might have you meet all of her family, thinking this is serious, not knowing that you are very conflicted, that you are not totally honest with her, and that your plan is to continue playing it  how it has been before.

“I’m speaking with a therapist who’s helping me with it all“- good thing.

“I won’t bring up what happened before again as far as I can help it“- you mean that you may not be able to not bring up the topic that hurts her.. as in being compelled to bring it up?

“We’ll see how we get on, but for now I’m happy and so is she.“- your romance story has been a very fast romance story, too fast, and she is far away from home. I think that she needs to go back to Australia, and recover in familiar settings: separate her Dreams and Hopes from Reality. Maybe seek therapy there.

It may help if she can see an therapist before she leaves the UK.

I wonder about your attachment style in romantic/ sexual relationships, if it is the avoidant or the ambivalent kind where you seek closeness with a woman, on one hand, and sabotage closeness, on the other hand. Are you aware of the concept of attachment styles?

anita

Dear Debs123:

You are welcome. In this post I want to review what you shared so far, beginning with your original post: “He’s now asked me to dinner. He said he’s excited to see me and catch up…  2 weeks later, no word. “- What happened to his stated excitement to see you? It didn’t motivate him to contact you and arrange to have dinner with you, two weeks so far.

“I always felt something was off, sensed he was lying to me about things. But could never catch him in anything. Until the last breakup. He got caught in a lie… (and) another lie he told. So he lied about lying“- so, you did catch him lying twice, two years ago (the time of the last breakup).

“He said he’d supplement my income until we could buy a house together.  And he bailed, less than 2 months later, citing communication problems… Leaving me to figure out how I’m going pay the bills“- he made a promise to you: to supplement your income, and he broke his promise with no guilty conscience, so it seems.

“He hated conflict, so when I would approach him about how I was feeling, like when he seemed ‘different’ to me, he would eventually blow up at me because, for me, it just wasn’t resolved. He was tired of me bringing things up“- reads like in his mind, his dominant attitude has My Way, or the Highway. No willingness to consider.. your way.

“He did nice things for me throughout the times we were together. He had a way of making me feel special, that I was important. However, he was unkind at times also, making jokes at my expense, saying mean things in the heat of the moment… There just seemed to be something missing, holes in stories.. There were times I thought I was going crazy, unsure about what was real and what wasn’t.  Was he even real?  Was he hiding behind a mask? Was I just paranoid?“- reads to me that you were not paranoid regarding him, and that he was- is, indeed, hiding behind a mask, as in a succession of mask-on, mask-off behaviors, a pattern that would confuse anyone who is emotionally attached to him while not being  aware of what is happening.

What you shared about him makes me think of a title of a book: People of The Lie by Dr. Peck. Quotes from the book that seem to fit the guy you were involved with (and in parentheses, explanation of the quotes by bookey. app):

“The most common form of evil is not the spectacular crime, but the everyday betrayal” (“the author persuasively suggests that the most prevalent type of evil is not the sensationalized acts of violence or grand crimes, but rather the everyday betrayals we often disregard… While we may be quick to condemn heinous acts that make headlines, we often overlook the small but significant ways in which individuals harm others through deceit, manipulation, and acts of betrayal in our everyday interactions”).

“Evil is often hidden in plain sight, camouflaged by the masks of normalcy” (“In our daily lives, we encounter numerous individuals who seem perfectly normal and ordinary, yet behind their seemingly innocent facade lies a darker side… Evil… thrives on disguises and camouflage, fooling those around it. It serves as a reminder that appearances can be deceiving”).

“Evil seeks to destroy truth because truth reveals its existence” (“Evil is inherently threatened by truth… Evil thrives in darkness and deception, using lies and manipulation to conceal its true intentions”).

“Evil feeds on the ignorance and complacency of good people” (“Evil thrives when good people remain unaware or indifferent to its presence… It serves as a reminder that combating evil requires not only the absence of malevolence but also active awareness, vigilance, and a refusal to turn a blind eye to injustice. Only through the collective effort of the good can evil be confronted and overcome”).

“Evil lives in the gap between what is said and what is done” (“True evil lurks not only in the actions or words themselves, but in the inherent contradiction that arises when they fail to align. The quote implies that evil thrives in these gaps, exploiting the dissonance between purported values or intentions and the actual behavior exhibited. Whether through empty promises, deceit, or hypocrisy, evil finds fertile ground in the space where words and actions do not align, serving as a reminder to be vigilant and aware of the incongruities that may exist in our interactions with others”).

anita

Dear soma:

I am earlier than I said I’d be, after reviewing some of our recent communication. “care to give me any advice on this?“- yes: slow down, calm down, be patient with yourself and with him.

Don’t RUSH- emotionally and otherwise. Turn down the speed by which your emotions travel. Make it easier for him, he needs things being easier for him, doesn’t he?

anita

Dear Clara:

You are welcome!

“I will try to look at the books you recommend”– well, I didn’t read any of the three books I mentioned, so I can’t recommend any of them (I googled the topic earlier today, and came across these books and other books/ online sources), but I do recommend that you read about the anxious attachment style.

“So, yes, voice out clearly“- yes!!!

“As a child, there was no personal space for myself“- time to take your personal space now, to voice out clearly what you need.. to no longer make do with no personal space/ no- Clara!

“I think I struggled to forgive my parents for a quite a period of time, while they didn’t even know what I was angry or irritated about“- isn’t it something, how visible you were to them physically, even while taking a shower, but you were invisible when it came to your emotions.

“I think somehow I know people can be a source of danger“- don’t hide your legitimate needs out of fear. It takes courage, and you, Clara, you have what it takes!

Thank you for the good (Mon) night wish, and good Tues morning to you!

anita