Dear anonymous:

Thank you for your thoughtful message and for sharing your insights so openly, so good to read from you again!

I really admire your ability to reflect on life’s challenges and find meaning in them.

Your realization that the “waves” you face are a shared experience for everyone is truly profound. It speaks to your growing understanding and acceptance of life’s ups and downs. The imagery of waves—unsettling and noisy yet universal—is such a powerful way to describe this, and it highlights your ability to connect deeply with the human experience.

Your guiding principles, “embrace the impermanence” and “this too shall pass,” are wise and grounding. They reflect acceptance of life’s transient nature and the hope that every difficult moment will eventually give way to calm waters.

Remember, progress often does not look like a straight line—it’s natural to feel like you’re returning to “square one” at times. What matters is your ability to pick yourself up and restart the journey. It’s clear from your message that you’re learning, growing, and navigating these waves with grace, even when it feels difficult.

I’m grateful to read that my messages bring you comfort, and I hope you continue to find strength in the wisdom you are gaining. I’m here for you as you navigate these waves and appreciate the opportunity to be part of your journey.

anita

Dear Molie:

First a little theory: black-and-white thinking and all-or-nothing thinking involve viewing things in extremes without considering the middle ground.

Black-and-White Thinking involves categorizing everything into extremes or absolutes, such as “good” or “bad,” “right” or “wrong,” without acknowledging complexity or nuance. For example, believing someone is either completely trustworthy or completely untrustworthy, without considering that trust may depend on circumstances: someone might be trustworthy with financial matters but not when it comes to keeping secrets. Someone who was once untrustworthy may regain trust over time by demonstrating consistent honesty.

All-or-Nothing Thinking focuses on polarized extremes in terms of success, outcomes, or expectations; often tied to perfectionism or unrealistic expectations. Examples, “If I don’t win first place, I’m a total failure.”, “If I don’t stick to my diet perfectly, I might as well give up entirely.

Children start with black-and-white and all-or-nothing thinking, which is a normal part of early cognitive development. They see things as absolute and struggle to understand complexity or ambiguity. As children grow and their brains develop, they gain the ability to consider multiple perspectives and understand nuance. By adolescence and adulthood, most individuals develop a greater capacity for seeing shades of gray and dealing with the complexities of life.

For a child in an unpredictable and frightening environment, black-and-white thinking provides a sense of control and certainty. In a world that feels chaotic, rigid absolutes can create the illusion of order and safety. For example: if something is either “right” or “wrong,” a child may believe they can avoid punishment by staying on the “right” side. Also, when anxiety is high, processing nuanced or conflicting ideas becomes overwhelming, so the mind seeks clarity through extremes.

And now, I’ll share a bit about my struggles with these matters, wondering to what extent, if any, you can relate:

My mother often criticized what I said, how I said it, and even what I failed to say. In an endless effort to avoid her criticisms, I began scrutinizing my thoughts, trying to get everything “just right” in my own head in the hope of preventing her disapproval. This led to chronic overthinking.

My mother was volatile, prone to temper tantrums and histrionics, including threats to kill herself or even me. As a result, I was a deeply anxious and often terrified child. Looking back, I can see how that constant state of fear and anxiety hindered my ability to develop complex thinking, such as seeing shades of gray. My overwhelming need for clarity drove me to seek absolutes, as nuance was too confusing to process in such a stressful environment. I didn’t feel safe enough to explore complexities—black-and-white thinking felt safer, so I clung to the simplicity of early childhood patterns of thought.

Using the word Stuck in the title you chose for your thread, I have been Stuck in early childhood thinking, and only recently did I start nuancing my thinking.

Reflecting on it, your 2021 HOCD seems to highlight all-or-nothing thinking. It appeared that you struggled with the idea of fitting into one rigid category—entirely straight (and never having a single thought about women), entirely lesbian, or bisexual—without considering the natural nuance of human thoughts and experiences. It’s worth noting that everyone has a range of thoughts, and those thoughts alone don’t define identity.

In May 2022, you mentioned “ROCD tendencies.”- I wonder if this also involved all-or-nothing thinking—perhaps an unrealistic expectation that everything in a relationship must be perfect, or else the relationship feels entirely wrong.

Yesterday, you shared: “In July 2024, I graduated from university… when I graduated, that time in my life was honestly blissful – I felt so positive and happy…”- I wonder if, according to all-or-nothing thinking, there was an expectation for that bliss to be permanent. If so, that would have been an unrealistic expectation, as life naturally ebbs and flows.

You also wrote: “I was so unhappy at my new job which I thought would be amazing and fulfilling, which it isn’t… and in some way (I’m not entirely sure how) I had started to question my career pathway that I had been so sure of.”- I wonder if an expectation that any job could be amazing and fulfilling forever contributed to your doubts about your career path.

Regarding your fitness journey, you shared: “My fitness journey has fluctuated where I would try and workout every day, to no days.”- This seems to reflect all-or-nothing behavior—pushing for “every day” consistency or giving up entirely.

You ended your original post with: “Ultimately I have good health and a lovely family and I think I have come far in the past few months but I still trip up here and then. I just think I had big expectations for this year which have not been met and I just want to make sense of this period in my life.”- I see a touch of nuance here, but perhaps there’s an opportunity to further refine or “nuance” those big expectations. Could your expectations further shift to allow for life’s ups and downs, recognizing that progress and fulfillment rarely follow a straight or perfect path?

anita

Dear devesh tiwaro:

This is my understanding of your situation:

You feel torn between your desire for freedom—to live life on your terms, explore new experiences, and avoid long-term commitments—and your girlfriend’s expectations of marriage and stability. This inner conflict is causing significant anxiety and stress.

Your feelings of guilt, as expressed in “I feel like a demon,” indicate that you’re struggling with the morality of your actions and how they are affecting your girlfriend.

Throughout your seven-year relationship, you have engaged in multiple casual relationships, which suggests difficulty with commitment and fidelity. It seems you find fulfillment outside of the current relationship dynamic.

Describing yourself as a “play type man” shows self-awareness of your behavior, though you haven’t addressed the root causes behind your inability or unwillingness to remain loyal.

Your longing to ‘shift to another country’ and ‘explore other people’ highlights your priority for adventure and independence over settling down. It appears you feel constrained, even suffocated, by the long-term nature of your current relationship.

Although you had open conversations with your girlfriend, they often end in arguments and emotional reactions, such as her crying. This reflects the difficulty in bridging your differing needs and goals, leading to unproductive communication.

You describe your girlfriend as “loyal, caring, and struggling,” and it’s clear she is fully committed to the relationship, even desiring marriage. This creates a significant mismatch, as you do not share her vision of a future together.

Her tears and sadness indicate how deeply invested and hurt she is by the situation. At the same time, your anxiety and guilt show you are also emotionally overwhelmed. Both of you are suffering, but for different reasons.

Her response, “if you’re feeling bored with me then it’s fine to leave me,” suggests she feels rejected and may even be blaming herself for the state of the relationship.

At its core, the relationship seems misaligned in goals, values, and emotional needs. Your desire for personal freedom contrasts sharply with her hope for long-term commitment and stability, creating ongoing tension.

While you’re trying to avoid hurting your girlfriend, your continued presence in the relationship appears to prolong the pain for both of you. Staying out of guilt rather than genuine commitment risks causing even greater emotional harm over time.

This situation reflects a deep incompatibility between you and your girlfriend. While you don’t intend to hurt her, your actions and lack of commitment are already causing pain. Staying in the relationship out of obligation seems likely to extend the suffering for both parties.

The healthiest step may be to have one final, honest, and compassionate conversation with your girlfriend. Clearly communicate your feelings and intentions. While this may be painful for her initially, it could allow both of you to move forward in ways that align with your individual desires and needs.

Further advice:

(1) Take time to better understand your feelings, priorities, and patterns, such as struggles with commitment. If you’re comfortable, you can explore these here in your thread. Therapy or counseling might also help you gain clarity and better understanding.

(2) Avoid sending mixed signals—for example, considering engagement while expressing disinterest in marriage. Embrace honesty fully and commit to living authentically, both for your well-being and for hers.

(3) Shift the focus from solely the breakup => building understanding and compassion for yourself and for her. Doing so can create closure that makes it possible for both of you to heal and grow individually.

(4) Remember that while you can show compassion, you cannot control how your girlfriend feels or reacts. Accept what you cannot change, and have the courage to focus on the things that are within your power to change.

I hope these suggestions help guide you toward clarity and peace in this difficult situation. Wishing you strength and growth as you navigate the next steps with care.

anita

Dear Mollie:

You are very welcome! I would be glad to answer your questions tomorrow morning, in about 17 hours from now.

anita

Dear devesh tiwaro:

Thank you for sharing more about your situation. It sounds like these conversations have been very challenging for both of you. Her crying might not necessarily mean she’s being manipulative (first thought that came to my mind)—it could be her way of processing emotions or expressing how deeply she’s affected by the discussions. That said, if her reaction makes it difficult for you to communicate openly, that’s definitely something to reflect on.

Maybe it would help to approach these conversations in a way that creates space for both of your feelings without escalating into arguments. For example, you could write your thoughts down first to organize them, or find a calm moment to talk when emotions aren’t already running high. If this feels overwhelming, seeking guidance from a counselor or mediator might also give you tools to have more productive discussions.

Ultimately, it’s important to consider both your needs and hers—and whether this relationship can provide mutual understanding and support.

anita

Thank you so much for your kind words, Zenith! That means a lot to me 💙 You’re so sweet!

anita

Dear Peter:

Anthony de Mello says that everything is deeply interconnected. When we stop seeing the world as divided (by labels, ideologies, religions, ethnicities, social classes, etc.), and ourselves as divided ((observer vs. observed, thinker vs. thought)- we can move beyond the illusions of separation and the sufferings that go with this illusion.

He says that happiness is not something to chase or acquire—it’s already within us. Children, for example, are naturally happy because they haven’t yet been influenced by societal pressures or labels. The problem is that we become polluted by ambitions, cravings, and illusions that block us from experiencing the happiness we already have.

To rediscover happiness, there is no need to add anything to our lives; instead, we need to let go of the illusions and labels that weigh us down. In essence, happiness comes from simplicity and shedding what isn’t real.

Thank you for posting these Inspirational words this Thursday afternoon , Peter 👭👨‍👩‍👧‍👦🐶🐱

anita