Dear YOR:

You are very welcome, and I am glad to read from you again, and to read and that you will keep in touch!

Good things: you are regaining your health, you absolutely love your new job, and your parents are supportive of you!

“In those things, a different book appeared – about karma and his religion. I had a feeling to read it.. or open it.. but I didn’t yet“- better donate it to a library, I am thinking.

“I cannot comprehend how people change so easily“- fully accept that he changed, grieve the man he was and is no more, and you will move on.

anita

* I recently learned to send emojis using my phone (I don’t know how to make it happen using the computer). I sent the emojis to Helcat, but after sending this message using the computer, I will try to cheer you up, Caroline, by sending you emojis in a following message.

Dear Caroline

I know all too well how it feels to suffer like you do, similar to you: unresolved anger, tormenting.

“not sure how to express it“- if you are still awake, in dim lights, while you sit comfortably in a chair, or in bed, type away your anger: hit the keyboard keys with a bit more force than usual, an angry force, and just let the words jump from out of your head=> the keyboard=> the computer screen.

“I was angry because someone told me I was wrong.  And I was obsessing over people telling me ‘No’ all the time and pointing I was wrong.  I feel like I should just shut up forever because everything I say is stupid and wrong“- everybody says unwise, wrong things sometimes, including the people who pointed to you as unwise or wrong. If ever person who says unwise, wrong things would forever shut up… nobody will be talking.

If you want to share more about what happened recently, and perhaps about things we talked about previously that are connected to your recent experience, please do.

anita

You are welcome, Franco, and please post again anytime you would like more input/ advice.

anita

Dear Franco:

“I fear she might reject me due to my inexperience… The feeling of shame is overwhelming… This situation stems from a past rejection that led me to avoid pursuing relationships, causing my insecurities to mount… The rejection hurt so much at the time that I don’t pursued any romantic relationship“-

– the past rejection you experienced hurt you so much indeed. I am sorry that you experienced so much hurt. And I am sorry that as a result, you experience mounted insecurities, fear and shame.

“Recently, I met a woman… I’m open to any advice.“- the woman you met, I bet she experiences insecurities too, that she is afraid as well. Maybe she experiences painful shame, or knows someone who does, someone she cares about, and she feels empathy for that person. Maybe when she sees you being shy or whatnot, she’d feel empathy for you too.

When I was young, I was drawn to shy young men, not to the confident macho kind. And I did not like those who had girlfriends before because that made me feel jealous. Maybe the woman you met would be delighted to know that you lack experience with other women (I would have been, in her shoes).

“I… am sociable, and run a small business“- she may be impressed that you run a small business and that you are sociable, and this may be her focus (different from your focus, which is the experience you lack).

“I was thinking of going to talk in person where she works, when she is alone in the shop, to break the ice, and after a few days, send a message on Instagram and tell her that I like to know  her better, if She seems interested I will ask her out for a coffee or a drink“- reads like a good plan to me.

My advice: get to know her as a friend to begin with, little by little. Pay attention to what she values, to what she thinks is important in life. See if there is a compatibility before you consider the possibility of a physical relationship.

anita

Dear Clara:

You are welcome and a delight to read your most recent post.

“I said I wanted to compromise that we can contact each other if anything happens… I asked for specific date when we will talk about how we should move forward, we made a date in the end of July“- congratulations on doing an excellent job communicating with her clearly, honestly and assertively!

“she responded quite quickly… to which she agreed immediately“- this is encouraging, she cares about you.

“I confirmed that we are on a break but not broken up, and I confirmed the definition, which means we are still exclusive to each other and we are not dating anyone else… Overall, I think this has settled my mind better, to have a confirmation and direction of where she is heading to, instead of just imagining“- you are ripping the benefits of real-life clear, honest and assertive communication vs imagining and ruminating.

“I shared with her I did a lot of soul searching… as my homework to prepare for the relationship“- you are welcome to use your thread as one place to do this homework.

I sill think that looking into your anxious attachment style can be helpful to you. There are books on the topic such as How to Heal an Anxious Attachment Style, Healing Your Anxious Attachment Style, and Anxious Attachment Recovery.

Here is a quotes from the latter: “Anxious attachment turns love into a battlefield. It is a space where insecurities wage war against the self, where the soul is torn between the innate human need for connection and the paralyzing fear of rejection and abandonment. It is a dance of opposites, where love is both sought and feared, where connection is both craved and resisted”. Does this reads like something you can relate to?

anita

Dear Debs123: I’ll read and reply to you in about 12 hours from now.

anita

Dear n20: I’ll reply in the next couple of hours.

anita

Dear Debs123:

He ended the relationship. A year after he did, you reached out to him with the intent to try again. He declined, adding that he will always have feelings for you. About Feb this year, he sent you a random text with a laughing emoji. In May the two of you had infrequent light conversations, and recently he asked you to dinner, saying he’s excited to see you and catch up.

“What does that even mean? I still love him. Catching up and parting ways will be hard for me. It would be too hard for me to be friends also. Ugh. Confused.   And….. it’s been over a week since he’s asked to meet, no word.“- reads not promising in regard to having a serious relationship; reads like he is a bit flaky, not reliable, saying things because it’s easy to say things, things that may be true only for the moment.

Is this true/ has it been true to him?

anita