Dear Tara:

Welcome back to your thread a year and 3 days after you last posted, and thank you for sharing your thoughts. It’s clear that you’re dealing with a lot of complex emotions and challenging dynamics within your family.

From what you’ve described over the years, your mother exhibits a combination of emotional dependence, controlling behavior, and emotional manipulation. Her actions greatly contributed to your anxiety and feelings of guilt, inadequacy, and the need to lie about your activities to avoid judgment and conflict.

Based on what you’ve shared, it seems that her actions have been motivated by her own emotional needs and struggles, rather than focusing on your well-being. It’s time for someone’s actions to prioritize your well-being, and since it won’t be her, that person needs to be you. It’s crucial that you prioritize your own mental and emotional health.

It’s important to recognize that you’re not responsible for your mother’s emotional state or her relationship with your father. Setting healthy boundaries, prioritizing self-care, and seeking support from friends, therapists, or support groups can help you navigate these challenges.

Considering moving out is a significant step toward gaining independence and creating a healthier environment for yourself. It might be challenging financially, but the personal growth and well-being you can achieve will make it worthwhile.

* In the past, I shared with you that your mother very much reminded me of my mother. Mine suffered from a combination of 4 personality disorders: Borderline Personality Disorder (Symptoms: Intense fear of abandonment, unstable relationships, rapid changes in self-identity, impulsive behaviors, and emotional instability) + Narcissistic Personality Disorder (two of the symptoms are: lack of empathy, and a sense of entitlement) + Dependent Personality Disorder (Symptoms: Excessive need to be taken care of, submissive and clinging behavior, and fear of separation) + Paranoid Personality Disorder (Symptoms: Distrust and suspicion of others, believing that others are trying to harm or deceive them).

While these are potential personality disorders that might align with your mother’s behavior, it’s crucial to seek a professional evaluation for an accurate diagnosis. Understanding these possibilities can help you navigate your relationship with your mother and prioritize your own well-being.

Your strength and resilience are evident, Tara, and taking steps to prioritize your well-being is crucial. Remember, you’re not alone, and seeking support is a sign of strength.

anita

Dear Dafne:

It’s perfectly normal to want closure and to make things right with the people you care about. However, seeking closure with a spider can lead you to getting stuck in its web.

The fact that he blocked you and then unblocked you, only to express his pain is manipulative. He’s trying to regain your trust without addressing the real issues at hand.

He didn’t apologize for blocking you, placed his pain on center stage (“Him: “I was in too much pain last week”) and kicked your pain off the stage, dismissing it (“Me: ‘Hi, we all were in pain last week…Him: I am aware that we have all had pain'”).

He is self-centered and manipulative, and your feelings of distrust and fear of being blocked again are valid.

Regarding his lack of friends, it might be a reflection of his behavior and how he handles relationships. Self-centered people who get offended easily and don’t discuss things honestly and calmly can’t maintain healthy friendships.

I’m proud of you for recognizing the impact of your past on your self-esteem and romantic choices. It’s a significant step towards healing and growth. Here are some suggestions for self-care and building self-confidence:

Set healthy boundaries in all your relationships, Practice self-compassion (be kind and forgiving to yourself), Engage in activities you enjoy, Talk to a therapist or perhaps join support groups (in addition to this thread), and Remind yourself of your strengths and accomplishments.

“I’m an old soul, maybe too old school for this modern world… Maybe that was another reason why this man got my attention. He seemed to want the same life as me, presenting similar values. But now you’re helping me to see that it all might be just a spider web 🕷🕸”-

– I’m glad that I could help you see through his facade and recognize the spider web 🕷🕸 he’s been weaving. Your values and principles are important, and they will resonate with the right people who truly appreciate and respect them.

You have the strength to overcome these challenges, and it’s okay to take time to focus on yourself, and thank you for your kind words, Dafne 🙏. I’m here to support you in any way I can. 🌞

anita

Dear Dafne:

You are welcome and thank you for your kind words and appreciation. I will still need the morning to reply more attentively, but for now, in regard to: “Would you continue replying to his messages? What if he suggests a meeting?”-

– I would end my association with any 🕷 and, in doing so, stay away from their 🕸. However, I understand that he has been a distraction from the troubles at home, and you’ve had hopes associated with him. Therefore, ending contact with him, especially if he suggests a meeting, is easier said than done, so no judgment coming from me.

My hope though is that you come across a decent man- however imperfect- who will be good for you. Back to you in the morning 💖

anita

Dear Tom:

Thank you for your message. I completely understand your concerns about delivering the presentation to a large group. It’s natural to feel nervous about public speaking.

If it helps, here are a few tips that might ease your nerves:

Practice: Rehearse your presentation multiple times, either in front of a mirror, with a friend, or recording yourself. Familiarity will boost your confidence.

Focus on Breathing: Before and during your presentation, take deep breaths to calm your nerves.

Engage with the Audience: Try to focus on connecting with your audience rather than just delivering content. It can make the experience feel more like a conversation.

Positive Visualization: Picture yourself delivering a successful presentation. Positive imagery can help build confidence.

Remember, it’s okay to feel nervous. Even experienced speakers feel the same way. You’ve got this!

anita

Dear Dafne:

“And now the spider is back!”- you say it as if it’s a good thing 🫢 What feels good isn’t always what’s best for you.

“I feel relieved that he replied and I can have some answers”- what answers and to what questions?

“I am neither a dreamer, nor a liar, nor irresponsible”, said the 🕷️ to the 🪰.

“He said some nice words about the beauty of a family life”, as he pointed to his 🕸️ (spider web).

“Is it wise to continue texting him without him unblocking me on the other media?”- the phone is one entry point to his 🕸️. Unblocking you on the other media would be like unblocking a second entrance into his 🕸️.

“What do you think of this whole situation now Anita?”- I think that he is dealing with a very low self-esteem and have created a fictional Asian project involving millions of dollars to feel better about himself. In this context, questioning him about the project is like pulling the carpet from under his feet, which is not fair to him (the reason I recommended that you no longer question him about the project).

On the other hand, he wants your money, all the money that you have and can get through loans and whatnot. He’s been trying to lure you into his web of deceit with hopes and promises of a shared home and life with you.

How to move forward? Through empathy for him (no longer questioning him), and empathy for yourself, prioritizing your well-being.

Notice this, in the latest exchange with him yesterday, he said: “family life is the most beautiful”- he told you earlier that his parents passed away, were cremated and that (if I understand correctly) he does not know where their ashes are. He also told you that he has no siblings and that he has little to no contact with cousins, none of them whom you met. So, seems to me that the words “family life is the most beautiful” do not indicate his persona experience and are meant to lure you into his web of deceit.

He also said: “I regret that you did not meet my friend… my partner… But I introduced you to other friends who are jealous, they did not even call me for New Year’s Day”- given that you never met his alleged project- related friend and partner, and that the two friends you did meet are not really friends… then, altogether, he has no friends and no family, at least not any with whom he has contact, or positive relationships.. so, what does it tell you, Dafne?

anita

Dear Tom:

Thank you, it’s a rainy, rainy weekend here. Maybe can help you put together part of your presentation? (I will be back to the computer Mon morning (it’s Sun afternoon here).

anita

Dear Andypandy499::

Thank you for sharing your experience and for opening up about the challenges you’ve been facing. Losing a parent can be an incredibly difficult and painful experience, and it’s understandable that processing such a loss takes time and trigger other emotional issues.

It’s commendable that you have started counseling sessions to address your grief and PTSD. Recognizing the impact of your behavior on your girlfriend and being willing to work on rebuilding her trust shows a deep commitment to your relationship and personal growth.

Here are a few suggestions: (1) Share your feelings and progress with your girlfriend. Let her know that you are committed to working on your issues and that you value her support and understanding, (2) Be consistent in your actions and patient with the process. Show her through your behavior that you are dedicated to positive change, (3) Consider involving her in some of your counseling sessions or finding a couples’ therapist. This can help both of you navigate the healing process together and strengthen your bond, and (4) Continue working on self-care and coping strategies to manage your PTSD and grief. This will not only benefit you but also improve your relationship.

It’s clear that you care deeply for her and believe in your future together. With dedication and support, you can work through these challenges and emerge stronger as a couple.

Wishing you strength and healing as you navigate this journey.

anita

Dear Dafne: Thank you for the note. While I am waiting for his response as well, I am preparing a new post for you.

anita