Dear anonymous:

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your feelings. It’s completely understandable to feel overwhelmed by the rollercoaster of emotions you’re experiencing.

“These experiences make me question why human beings have to go through these emotions. What purpose it serves?”-

– Emotions, even the challenging ones like anxiety and fear, serve important purposes. They are signals from our mind and body, indicating that something needs attention. While it may seem like they bring only doom, these emotions can also guide us towards growth and understanding.

Emotions like fear and anxiety have evolved as survival mechanisms to protect us from danger. They alert us to potential threats and help us take action. Emotions provide valuable insights into our inner world. They can reveal our needs, desires, and unresolved issues, prompting us to address them.

By navigating through difficult emotions, we build resilience and learn more about ourselves. These experiences, though exhausting, contribute to our personal growth.

It’s natural to wonder if there’s a hidden meaning behind our emotions. Sometimes, they do have deeper roots, such as past experiences or unresolved conflicts. Exploring these underlying causes can lead to greater self-awareness and healing.

The counterbalance you mentioned, which allows you to accept your emotions rather than fight them, is a positive step. Acceptance can help reduce the intensity of negative emotions and make them more manageable.

Mindfulness and Self-Compassion, being kind to yourself during these tough times- are very important. Journaling can provide clarity and help you process your emotions.

Remember, you are not alone in this journey. Many people experience similar emotional waves, and it’s important to be patient with yourself. You have the strength to navigate through these challenges and find peace within.

Thank you for trusting me with your feelings. Take care of yourself, and know that I’m here for you.

anita

Dear Substantial:

Thank you again for sharing your thoughts and concerns with me. It’s clear that you’re grappling with a complex and difficult situation, and I appreciate your openness.

It’s understandable to feel unsure about the root causes of your relationship dynamics. Therapy can provide different perspectives, but ultimately, understanding your feelings and experiences is a personal journey. It may not be possible to pinpoint one definitive cause because multiple factors and their interplay contribute to a complex situation.

It’s insightful that you’re reflecting on the idea of conditional love. While it’s natural to feel that your expectations stem from your girlfriend’s behavior, it’s also important to consider how your own past and present experiences and patterns- within your home- play a role. It’s not about assigning blame but about understanding the dynamics at play.

Acknowledging your girlfriend’s lack of empathy and her unwillingness to seek therapy is significant. It’s crucial for both partners in a relationship to be willing to work on themselves and the relationship. Her defensiveness and hurtful comments indicate a lack of emotional support, which is understandably difficult for you.

The cognitive dissonance you’re experiencing is natural when faced with conflicting thoughts and emotions. It’s important to learn to listen to and trust your inner voice in regard to what is true and right for you.

The additional challenges of different religious backgrounds and parental approval add another layer of complexity. It’s crucial to be confident in your relationship before addressing these external pressures.

“I feel my expectations and emotions of anxiety and confusion are rooted in the self-centered and empathy-lacking behaviors of my gf. At the same time, I am also not sure if that’s the case…I also agree with your view on my mother. I reflected on what you said. She is indeed passively forceful, not at times, but most of the time. She just can’t take NO for an answer. She creates drama and breaks out emotionally as if I insulted or hurt her by saying things like, ‘Of course, you are never there for your mother,’ or ‘You don’t value me,’ and more”-

– Constant emotional drama and manipulation by a mother like yours, and so it happens, mine as well, create a sense of anxiety and insecurity in a child, be it a son or a daughter. It made me feel like I was walking on eggshells, constantly trying to avoid triggering emotional outbursts from my mother.

Being told things like “You are never there for your mother” or “You don’t value me” instill deep-seated guilt and self-doubt in a son or daughter. I repeatedly felt like I was not doing enough, no matter how much I tried, and ultimately I felt not good enough as a person, and therefore, not deserving good things like being accepted, appreciated, respected and loved.

A mother who can’t take “No” for an answer teaches her son- or daughter- that setting boundaries is unacceptable. This can make it very difficult to establish and maintain healthy boundaries in other relationships, including romantic ones.

The fear of causing emotional pain or being perceived as unloving by one’s own mother can lead to a fear of abandonment. This fear may cause the son- or daughter- to stay in unhealthy relationships out of fear of losing the other person.

Experiencing conditional love from one’s mother can lead to feeling that you need to earn love and acceptance through your actions, rather than feeling inherently worthy of love.

“All in all, I am struggling to find the ultimate truth… Let me know what your thoughts are on this, Anita. Thank you for your response, grateful!”- you are welcome and thank you for caring to know my thoughts. My additional thoughts: seems to me that your girlfriend is not right for you, that you need a more empathetic and generous woman, generous with her time and efforts. Seems to me that you’ve been staying in the relationship because of confusion and fear of abandonment.

Based on the totality of what you shared with me, I disagree with the therapist who suggested that you love your gf conditionally based on her actions and affection towards you, implying perhaps that as it is strange or selfish to love a person based on their actions and affection. We all should love a partner in a romantic relationship based on their actions and affection (while not expecting them to be perfect and allowing for times when they can’t support us and need our support).

I agree with the other therapist who agreed with you that your gf wasn’t (adequately) showing up in the relationship.

Thank you again for trusting me with your thoughts and feelings. Take care of yourself, and remember that you are not alone in this journey. I’m here for you, and I believe in your ability to find clarity and contentment.

anita

Dear Dafne:

You are always welcome and thank you for your heartfelt words (and emojis).

I will start this post with analyzing his responses without using previous information that you shared about him or my previous analyses of him:

* “Him: ‘Yes, there are many projects underway, now we have the projects related to institutions, but we are also moving to classic business to have income, what is related to politics does not depend 100% on us'”- this response gives a general overview of the situation without providing any specific details:

“Many projects underway”- What projects? How many? What is their current status?

“Projects related to institutions”- What institutions? What is the nature of the projects?

“Classic business to have income”- What “classic business”? How will it generate income?

“Related to politics does not depend 100% on us”- What political factors are involved? How do they impact the projects?

Here is an example of a clear and specific response: “Yes, we currently have several projects in progress. For example, we are working on a partnership with a major university to develop new educational software, which is in the final stages of approval. Additionally, we are launching a retail business to generate immediate revenue, focusing on eco-friendly products. Our political-related projects involve securing government contracts, which require approval from multiple agencies, causing some delays. For instance, we are waiting for the Italian government to validate our joint venture agreement”.

* Back to the conversation, “Him: ‘If your colleagues have set up a pizzeria or a rotisserie, it is normal that they earn money straight away, but these businesses take time, I sometimes have the impression that you don’t believe”- by making a broad comparison to simpler businesses, he avoids addressing the specifics of his own business operations and the delays.

Here, he deflects from addressing the specific concerns and questions about his projects by making a comparison to simpler business models like pizzerias or rotisseries. This deflection can be seen as an attempt to avoid providing detailed answers about his own business.

He makes a generalization that setting up a pizzeria or rotisserie results in immediate earnings. This is an oversimplification and generally untrue true, as stablishing a pizzeria or any other business involves initial investments, operational costs, and a period of building customer base. This indicates a lack of understanding of business operations on his part.

“I sometimes have the impression that you don’t believe”- by questioning your belief in his projects, he shifts the focus away from the validity of his own claims and instead casts doubt on your support or belief. This can be seen as a defensive reaction to perceived criticism.

Here is an example of a clear and specific response: “I understand your concerns about the delays. Setting up a business, whether it’s a tech startup or a pizzeria, requires time and effort. For instance, our current project involves securing government approvals, which can be lengthy due to bureaucratic processes. We have raised 4 million for a joint venture in China, and now we are waiting for the Italian government to validate our agreements. This is why there are delays. I assure you, we are working hard to move things forward efficiently”.

This example of a response addresses your concerns directly, provides specific details about the challenges and processes involved, and reassures you of the efforts being made.

The response he gave you demonstrates a lack of business understanding and an unwillingness to provide specific details. Instead of addressing the actual questions and concerns, he deflects, generalizes, and questions your belief. This behavior raises doubts about his transparency and credibility.

* “Him: ‘If it’s long it’s because we need the agreement of a government, the Italians have everything good, they have activated the diplomatic channel, we have the investors, now the Italian government must validate”-

“If it’s long it’s because we need the agreement of a government”- Which government is involved? What kind of agreement is needed? Why is the process taking so long?

Here is an example of a clear and specific response: “The delay is due to the Chinese government’s approval process for our joint venture. We have submitted all necessary documents and are waiting for their response, which typically takes 4-6 months”.

“The Italians have everything good, they have activated the diplomatic channel”- What does “everything good” mean? What does “activated the diplomatic channel” involve?

“We have the investors”- Who are they? What is the amount of investment? What is the current stage of the investment process?

Etc.

Now, connecting his responses to what you shared about him previously as well as to my previous analysis of him, he has consistently shown a pattern of evasiveness, defensiveness, and lack of transparency. His responses are vague and often deflect from addressing your legitimate concerns. This behavior aligns with the manipulative and dishonest tendencies you identified earlier.

Based on the pattern of his vague and evasive responses, seems to me that he is outright lying about these projects. Indicators of lying: (1) His responses consistently lack specific details about the projects, the steps involved, and the timeline. (2) When questioned, he becomes defensive and shifts the focus to questioning your belief rather than providing clear answers. (3) There are inconsistencies in his explanations. For example, He mentioned that on the Italian side, everything is good, and they have activated the diplomatic channel. Yet, the projects seem to be facing indefinite delays due to political approvals. If the Italian side is efficient and the diplomatic channels are activated, why are there still delays?

Given the man’s circumstances—being in his mid-50s, living in a small apartment, and appearing to have very little money—it certainly raises questions about the legitimacy of his claims regarding ambitious and large-scale projects.

He talks about securing multi-million dollar investments and large-scale international projects while in reality, he lives in a small apartment and appears to have very limited financial resources, as evidenced by his offer of a symbolic gift instead of a proper engagement ring. If he were genuinely involved in high-value projects with substantial investments, it would be reasonable to expect some level of financial stability or visible signs of wealth.

He mentions ongoing projects in different countries, involving government agreements and significant investments while in reality, there is no evidence or documentation provided to support these claims. High-value projects typically have verifiable documentation, such as contracts, investor agreements, and project plans.

The discrepancies between his financial situation and the grandiosity of his claims, combined with his evasive responses and defensive behavior, suggest that he’s been trying to manipulate you into staying emotionally invested in the relationship without offering real substance.

“That was his last message and he blocked me without even reading my reply to him. I did not expect that to happen. I thought it is normal to discuss the project and its future. But blocking me was cruel (especially after such a long time). Anita, what do you think?”-

– His sudden blocking behavior without a discussion suggests a lack of respect for your feelings and a way to avoid accountability: by blocking you, he avoids having to provide further explanations or answers to your questions. It’s a way to shut down the conversation and avoid being held accountable for his vague and inconsistent responses.

Blocking you is also a form of punishment, making you feel hurt and rejected. It also creates a power imbalance, where he controls the interaction and you are left feeling dependent on him. If he unblocks you later, it can create such a sense of relief and happiness for you, that you will no longer to question him again, fearing that if you question him- he will block you again.

His latest actions fit a pattern of manipulative behavior. By blocking you, he reinforces his control over the relationship, ensuring that you remain emotionally invested and more compliant with his wishes. It creates a cycle of emotional dependence, making it more challenging for you to seek clarity and stand up for yourself.

“Did I push him too much?… Do you see any reason for blocking me? I don’t feel that I offended him in any way… I did not really care about his financial stability, looks or having a house. I just wanted to be with a kind soul who sees me… I’m feeling hurt right now and actually quite guilty for talking too much 😌”-

– You did not push him too much or offend him. It’s perfectly reasonable to seek clarity and progress, especially when his responses have been vague and inconsistent. Your questions were valid, and you deserve to know where things stand.

Your guilt indicates your empathetic nature but it should not lead you to blame yourself for seeking honesty: it is not a wrongdoing to seek honesty. Your desire for kindness and stability is valid, but he is in the habit of exploiting your soft spots, similar indeed to how a spider operates:

A spider first captures its prey, usually a fly, in its web. Once the prey is entangled, the spider immobilizes it using venom injected through its fangs. The spider then injects digestive enzymes into the fly’s body. These enzymes start to break down the fly’s internal tissues into a liquid form. The spider then uses its specialized mouthparts to suck out the liquefied insides of the fly, leaving the outer exoskeleton mostly intact.

Just as a spider, an emotionally manipulative person exploits their target’s emotional soft spots. The process of injecting digestive enzymes into the fly can be compared to the manipulator injecting self-doubts and a sense of guilt into their target. These doubts and guilt gradually break down the target’s self-esteem and sense of independence. Finally, the manipulator consumes the person’s emotional resources, leaving their target drained and dependent.

They take advantage of their target’s empathy, kindness, trust, and emotional investment, much like the spider consuming the fly’s insides, leaving only the exoskeleton intact.

“Maybe it is not meant for me to have that loving home. Maybe it is true that children carry the chains of their parents. The heavy energy and paying for their past (or even other family generations). There was a spiritual podcast about this. Do you believe in that Anita?”-

– While it’s true that we carry some of the burdens of our ancestors, it’s also important to note that we have the power to break these chains. Awareness is the first step towards healing. By recognizing these patterns, we can work towards creating a different future for ourselves.

You have the strength to create a loving and stable home. It’s important to focus on your own path and choices. Healing is a journey, and seeking support can help you navigate this process.

Dafne, your worth is not defined by the past but by the choices you make in the present. Embrace your strength, and as you embrace your strength, let go of this spider who has been robbing you of your strength, draining and exhausting you.

Thank you, Dafne, for trusting me with your thoughts and feelings. I’m here for you, and I believe in your ability to overcome these challenges and find the love and peace of mind that you seek.

Wishing you peace and strength, and a peaceful night 🌙✨️

anita

Dear Andypandy499;

I will read and reply to you Wed morning (Tues afternoon here),

Anita

Dear Substantial:

You are very welcome, and thank you for honestly sharing your thoughts and feelings. It is Mon afternoon here, and I am looking forward to reading your post attentively Tues morning and respond then: be back to you tomorrow!

anita

Dear Andypandy499:

This morning I studied your posts in your first thread of Nov-Dec 2022, where I communicated with you. At the time, you were in a long-distance relationship for nearly three years, which ended abruptly when your girlfriend disappeared without explanation.

She had been involved with another person since early 2021 while still with you. You discovered her betrayal through a blog. You then wrote a letter expressing your feelings and your battle with cancer but received no response. You struggled with feelings of unworthiness, betrayal, and the impact on your mental health.

Your girlfriend’s secret relationship and the lies she told deeply hurt you and severely impacted your ability to trust. You invested heavily emotionally, financially, and physically in the relationship, making her betrayal even more painful. The lack of closure and communication exacerbated your feelings of hopelessness and confusion.

In your second thread of yesterday, you shared that you entered a relationship with someone who had a history of domestic violence. The two of you had a strong connection, but she became distant, and you discovered her Facebook profile with male admirers and an old Tinder profile. She asked for space to think, and you feel hurt and helpless, similar to your previous experience in 2022.

Seems like the pattern of feeling deceived and hurt is recurring, leading to feelings of déjà vu and frustration on your part. Your past experiences with betrayal and lies have made you more suspicious, which is understandable given your history, as your PTSD and past trauma make you more susceptible to emotional pain and impact your ability to trust and feel secure in relationships.

Addressing your question in the title of this thread: “Am I being stupid again?”-

– No, you are not being “stupid”. It’s important to acknowledge that your feelings and reactions are valid, given the circumstances and past experiences. It’s not stupidity; it’s a response to trauma and hurt.

As far as what you did wrong, it seems there was a lack of open communication about your concerns and feelings. Instead of addressing them directly with your current girlfriend, you turned to investigating her online activity.

Here are some suggestions for moving forward: (1) Consider seeking therapy or counseling to address PTSD, trust issues, and emotional healing. A competent, capable professional can help you process past traumas and develop coping strategies.

(2) Focus on self-care and activities that bring you joy and peace. Healing is a gradual process, and it’s important to prioritize your well-being.

(3) Foster open and honest communication in relationships. Express your concerns and listen to your partner’s perspective.

(4) Take time to evaluate the actions and behavior of your partners. It’s okay to take things slow and ensure that trust is built over time.

Your experiences have been incredibly challenging, and it’s understandable to feel hurt and helpless. But remember, you are strong, and you deserve a loving and respectful relationship. Healing takes time, and with support and self-care, you can move forward and find contentment.

anita

Dear Andypandy499:

I’m really sorry to hear that you’re going through this difficult time. It’s completely understandable to feel hurt and confused, especially given your past experiences and the trust you placed in her.

It’s important to remember that your feelings are valid, and it’s okay to feel suspicious and concerned given the circumstances. You’ve shown her love, respect, generosity, and trust, and it’s only natural to want that in return.

Taking time for yourself and seeking support from friends, family, or even a therapist might help you navigate these emotions. PTSD and low self-esteem can make situations like this even more challenging, so it’s crucial to take care of your mental well-being during this time.

If she needs space, it might be best to give it to her while you focus on your own healing and clarity. Remember that you deserve to be in a relationship where you feel secure, respected, and valued.

Hang in there, and know that you’re not alone in this. Take things one step at a time and trust that you’ll find the path that’s right for you.

anita

Dear Tom:

Thank you! Good to read that you had a good weekend celebrating your partner’s birthday, and I’m glad to read that you’re exploring options for support like a life/career coach. I think that it could be very beneficial for you.

It’s great that you’re continuing with your gratitude, exercise, and Calm app practices – those are all excellent ways to manage stress and stay positive.

I’m here to support you as you navigate through this period. Whenever you need someone to talk to or bounce ideas off of, don’t hesitate to reach out. Take care and keep doing what you’re doing. You’re making positive strides!

anita