Dear Harry:

This is what you shared about your relationship with the Australian woman (I’ll refer to her as Au): you met Au on a trip to Prague in Jan 2024. On the first night you met her, she stayed the night with you, until the afternoon of the day after. The following night,  she stayed with you for a 2nd night. Next, you flew home to London (or the vicinity), and Au flew to Switzerland. Next, you flew to Switzerland and stayed with Au again. Next, you flew back to London while Au stayed in Switzerland and asked her employer if she can work from London. They agreed that she can for 2 months, and you happily (“I’m so happy… This feels like a fairy tale“) waited for Au to join you in London for 2 months, following which, the plan was that she’ll fly back to Sydney, Australia, and following a few months, you’ll join her there.

While waiting for Au, you found yourself attracted to woman from work (I’ll refer to her as W) and flirted with her for a while. Three weeks before Au was scheduled to join you in London, you had sex with W. Two days later, you told Au about it. Au was devastated yet she still joined you in London later, and “it’s been perfect, like it was before except for her getting down every now and then about what I did“.

About 3 weeks into her current stay with you, last weekend- you realized that you hadn’t told Au “the full truth” about what happened with W, and so,  you told her the .. full truth.

Au’s reaction: “She cries and tells me she doesn’t forgive me, but she has no one else right now and so she cuddles me and we sleep. She also says that she doesn’t know what she wants and it could change, but for now she wants it to go back to normal… she essentially said… she could cut me off at any time, but for now she wants it to be normal… She even admitted yesterday she was expecting to leave London in a relationship with me until I told her again last weekend“.

My input today: after 3 weeks of her current stay with you, you felt very guilty (again) about not having told Au “the full truth” about the sexual encounter or encounters with W. And so, to find relief from your guilt, you told her the full truth (“Last weekend I realise I hadn’t told her the full truth and felt intense guilt again and told her“). You were focused on your intense guilt and wanted a fast relief from the distress of intense guilt. You wanted to feel better yourself, so you elaborated on what you already told her about 6 weeks earlier, which has devastated her back then and since. In other words, you added devastation to her devastation so to feel better (and perhaps to sabotage the relationship as well).

Her response: she was clearly devastated, feeling abnormally anxious and unsettled. Kowing only you in London, having no one else to comfort her, she wanted to feel normal again, so she had no choice- that she could think about- then to be comforted by the same person who hurt her (“She cries and tells me she doesn’t forgive me, but she has no one else right now and so she cuddles me… for now she wants it to go back to normal… she essentially said… she could cut me off at any time, but for now she wants it to be normal“).

You ended your 2ndpost with: “The important thing for me to do now is try to forgive myself, so that we can both move on. I accept any decision she might make as I’m the one who messed up, but it’s just going to be a matter of waiting and time.”

The partial story about your flirtation and sex with W has hurt Au, and devastated her ever since you first told her about it. Do you see how self-centered it was of you to elaborate on the partial story and give her the full story?

I am asking because if you relieve yourself from guilt in this way, you’d keep hurting Au/ others. I understand that you weren’t thinking thoroughly before you confessed further to her, but now that you do.. what do you think?

anita

Dear Clara:

I am sorry that your mother suffers from dementia, and that you suffer too.

“she laughed and realized she didn’t notice me“- I wonder if she laughed because she was trying to make light of it, so that you will not be upset, or perhaps she was embarrassed (?)

Interesting, the title of your thread is “Taking a break“- in regard to the break from your girlfriend. Your mother had a break from registering that you were there at the dinner table (twice), and then you “had another break down” at the hotel.

We experience breaks from people while being physically close to them, like your mother not recognizing you while you were there at the dinner table with her, and you and your girlfriend experienced breaks in the relationship while still living together, before the current physical break.

It is important to be connected and remain connected to people we care about, as much as possible. What had caused me to have breaks with people, has been my judgmental, quick to anger attitude and tendency. This is why I practice what I suggested for you to do in my previous post: shift from judgment to empathy.

It’s late at night where you’re at. I hope that you are sleeping or are about to sleep restfully following crying like a baby. If not, and otherwise, please feel free to post anytime, to use your thread as a journal and a place to communicate with us here.

anita

Dear Harry:

“I don’t kiss her back throughout all of this as I know it’s wrong, but I pull her on top of me and we begin to have sex“- it’s interesting how you equated kissing with being emotional, yet having sex was purely physical and instinctual. Not surprising, as this is how it is in the animal world, and humans are animals. Most women (I think) tend to experience having sex as something personal and emotional; most men- like other mammalian males- tend to experience having sex as something strictly physical and instinctual.

“This feels like a fairy tale“- real life is not a fairy tale, is it. Not outside our imaginations.

“I tell the Australian girl. She’s devastated…  Last weekend I realise I hadn’t told her the full truth and felt intense guilt again and told her“- you shouldn’t have, definitely not the 2nd time. It may have temporarily  relieved you from guilt, but it hurt her.

“We wake up Monday morning and suddenly, I don’t feel the same as I did before… I overthink a lot… Do you know what I can do?“- think it, but don’t overthink it. The more you overthink, the more you over-feel badly and then spread the misery around (Ex., confessing to her). Think effectively, that is, look for real solutions to real problems.

Did you ever try to hold water in your hands, to keep water in your hands? Doesn’t work, does it? Same with keeping emotions in your mind and heart. Relax your mind, and emotions will settle; overthink and stress, and your emotions go haywire.

anita

Dear Clara

(Do you prefer to be addressed as Chau or Clara?)

In my first quality psychotherapy, the therapist’s priority was to have me practice emotion regulation skills because intense emotions sort of hold a person hostage and prevent reasonable behavior, learning and making progress. He used to send me links to Mark William’s mindfulness meditations audios (he’s a mindfulness expert of sorts in Oxford University). There are mindfulness themed guided meditations available online, audios and videos. Listening/ watching a few you like (one at a time) during the day, and/ or at bedtime is one emotion regulation practice.

Another is daily exercise, particularly the aerobic kind (fast walking is what I do), another is yoga, and/ or Tai Chi (the latter, a slow-motion martial art form does wonders when it comes to slowing down the brain).

Another is the practice of CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy): you identify the thought or thoughts behind an intense emotion  that took over you, write it down, and examine it: is it true? is it untrue? After correcting an untrue/ distorted thought, the intense feeling calms down.

There are many books, handbooks and online resources on emotion regulation (and on CBT) with exercises and suggestions. Googling just now, Master Your Emotions: A Practical Guide To Overcome Negativity And Better Manage Your Feelings reads like a promising title.

anita

Dear Carol:

You are welcome! I can see how happy you were when your friend texted you this morning, and I understand that you appreciate the 2-3 times that she helped you with advice in the past year, once replying to you very quickly. (I am sorry to read that your sister was sexually assaulted).

I hope that your bus ride was smooth, and I am looking forward to your next post.

anita

Dear Clara:

I believe it’s Thurs 10:48 am where you’re at, Wed 7:48 pm here. Have a good day, Clara and post again anytime. I’m here.

anita

Dear Clara:

This, right now, is an opportunity for you to rise above fear and suspicion, a weak state of mind, to => courage and trust (in you), a strong state of mind. Abandon the weakness, embrace Strength, strength now (not when/ if she’s back to you sometime in the future).

Now, as it is, as things are.

anita