Dear Laven:

“I just want to belong.“- you do belong, even as you feel that you don’t. You belong with all the people who belong, but don’t feel that they belong.

anita

Dear Lily-Mae:

“I saw this man on an off for over two years. He was toxic towards me, told me from the start he does not want a relationship with me. I was obviously too stupid to not leave him“- I don’t think that it’s a matter of a lack of rational intelligence that you stayed in an on-and-off relationship with him for over 2 years, but a matter of a subconscious motivation to change an unloving person into a loving person. Such a motivation is often born in childhood when a child has an unloving parent.

“January this year he left me for another woman– who lives down the street from me. They are now in a committed relationship and he moved in with her– and she has a child. While he was with his new girlfriend, he still wanted to be friends and tried to stay in contact with me… he treats her like a Princess“- doesn’t read like he has been faithful to her. Being that he contacted you while in a relationship with her, does not equal treating her like a princess, does it?

“We were only intimate from behind… He told me he does not want children, now she has a child“- it is possible that you accepted that sexual position because that’s what he wanted, and therefore, you never got pregnant, but at least on one occasion, she did not accept that position, and him being carried away with sexual drive.. she got pregnant.

“I feel depressed, hurt and angry… I wish I was good enough – but I’m not and that breaks me everyday. I need some advice please and thank you.”- you are welcome, and I hope that you feel better soon! His behavior and you accepting his behavior does not mean that you were, or are not god-enough. His behavior indicates who he is, not who you are. Your acceptance of his behavior indicates an emotional desperation. It does not indicate your worth as a person.

I used to be desperate, I used to feel acutely not good-enough. It was a painful experience!

My advice: seek psychotherapy if possible. If it helps to type away your thoughts and feelings, life-experiences now, and in the past, etc., you are welcome to do so here, and I will respond empathetically and non-judgmentally.

anita

Dear Sammie:

Responding to your first post: “Should I stay in the abuse environment I was in OR reclaim my sparkle. I did the latter, I chose me“- the right choice, of course!

“I told my friends the story the way I told it to you… I told my friends about this and they said ‘oh it’s just because he wanted to kiss you, just don’t wear lipstick anymore’.. My friends, they used to say to me ‘he’s a sensitive soul”“- the wrong kind of friends: siding with your abuser, minimizing and denying his abuse of you. There is a saying: With friends like that, who needs enemies?

“I was always on edge because he would always be finding things that were wrong. Silly things like I had cut the celery sticks too short or I didn’t hear him calling me when I was reading my book… I’m sorry to hear this about your mother. That must be very painful to deal with and process“- thank you. My mother criticized me similarly to how your boyfriend criticized you, about trivial matters, and I was indeed a child/ a teenager/ a person almost-always on edge when around her/ people in general, fearing the next and the next, and the next criticism.

“In terms of abusive words as a child, I never had them directed at me. I witnessed my dad being verbally abusive to my mum though. As I child I would defend my mum and protect my sister“- your empathy was with your mother, you felt her pain; so it was as if your father’s abusive words were directed at you.

“I’ve always been very strong and sure of myself which is why I feel very ashamed that I’ve been with two men who I’ve let treat me terribly“- you were very strong too early in your life, at an age when you needed someone strong to rely on, someone to defend and protect you. A child’s strength when it comes to defending a parent (role reversal) cannot be counted on as the kind of strength to serve you as an adult. It’s like building a house (strength) on ground that is not solid (mature) yet.

“I have had healthy relationships… I’m trying to focus on the positives. I feel very fortunate as I have amazing friends and family and I’m lucky enough to travel a lot. But there is a fine line between focusing on the positives and not processing things“- a fine line between focusing on the positives and not processing the negatives..

When you say (in the quote above) amazing friends, are you including the “friends” who repeatedly and from the beginning sided with your abuser (most recent ex)?

I am wondering if you are focusing on the positives and denying (not acknowledging and therefore, not processing) the negatives.

Responding to your second (most recent) post: you are welcome! “I can be playful and silly. There was an evening where he had bought some crisps that I really liked and I had a bowl in front of me. When he went to the bathroom, I hid them and pretended I had eaten them all. Obviously, it was a joke… Two days later, when he was picking at me he said ‘and you’re SO selfish. Look how you ate all the crisps the other day’. I had to remind him how that was a prank and I had hidden them, not eaten them and we both ate them. He didn’t apologise for calling me selfish, he didn’t even acknowledge that what I had said happened“- this is very meaningful. It means that his motivation is not to respond to what is truly happening around him (you being playful), but to what happened around him a long time ago, before he ever met you. Someone else was selfish around him (his mother, I am guessing, because you shared that he had problems with her), and he projected her into you.

“On one occasion he was coming over to my house to see me and I asked if there was anything he would like me to get from the store. He said ‘wow, that’s so kind. You’re really changing, you’ve never done anything like this before’“- it’s like he is talking to his mother, responding to the then-and-there, not in the here-and-now.

“When I tried to explain that I ALWAY do things like this, he then went onto say ‘well, what do you do for me other than cook?’“- if he wasn’t abusive, I would have felt very sad for him because he is carrying with him lots of anger at his mother because she (not you) was probably very selfish or self-centered and deprived him, as a boy, from the attention and consideration that he deserved.

“I had to listen to him tell me how bad my behaviour was and how I didn’t support him… He then started quizzing me about how much I knew him and started testing me… I was always in the wrong. No matter what I did, no matter how hard I tried, nothing made a difference. I was always an awful selfish girl“- nothing you said or did made a difference because he was not hearing you, he was not seeing you and he was not responding to you.

“It continued with the same narrative – I am a liar. I am a manipulator… He told me I was dark inside“- this is someone he grew up with: his mother (and/ or his father, or another caretaker, I don’t know his childhood circumstances or history).

“What I am struggling with is how could someone be so cruel yet so unaware of what they were doing? How could he justify treating me like this?“- I think that he is stuck in his childhood, trying to resolve severe emotional conflicts he still has with people in his childhood..  in present circumstances, with new people (you).

“What I’ve told you is just the tip of the iceberg… I’ve not even really touched on how my body was his and his to have whenever he wanted“- I am guessing that he needed and wanted his mother’s (or another caretaker’s) attention and presence in his life, so badly, but didn’t get it. Fast forward, projecting the caretaker into you, angry, he took your attention/ your presence/ your body whenever he wanted.

“I want to have a peaceful and loving life. I want to love my new boyfriend. I trust him… My gut KNOWS he is a good person. I just feel stuck at the moment. Stuck wanting closure from the past“- closure from the past with your most recent ex, the one before him.. and closure from the past of your own childhood, which was not peaceful and loving?

anita

Thank you, Shandrea. I like you, I like who you are!

anita

Dear YoungMufasa: Congratulations fo 8 porn-free days. I will read and reply further in about 20 hours from now.

anita

Dear Shandrea:

“Growing up I did not have a safe space to express how I felt. If I expressed how I felt the older women would laugh at me or spread rumors. I just stopped expressing what I felt“- when you expressed to the older women how you felt, you trusted them to listen and respond to you respectfully. They betrayed your trust when they laughed at you and spread rumors. The girl that you were back then, when it happened, she was very hurt because she was betrayed. I feel badly for her.

“I did not trust my mother because how could you abuse me and call me all these names and then say you love me or care about me“- when your mother told you that she loved you, you trusted her that she really did love you. but when she abused you, she betrayed your trust.  (This exact thing happened to me too!)

“When I got pregnant at 17, I lived with my mom and siblings she didn’t want me to keep the baby so she ignored me, they would walk past me in the house not speak to me or respond to me… She bullied me“- this was a very painful experience for you, one that you did not deserve!

“I did not trust her because she hurt me but then again people say I’m sensitive“- everyone is sensitive to betrayal! Think of it this way, if you will: person A stabs person B. Person B bleeds, and person A says: you bleed because you are sensitive!   But everyone is sensitive to stabbing; everyone bleeds when stabbed!

“I have made a connection, with you. I learned that it is safe to write here. I never thought about this until I reread the post above.“- these are the most precious, special, heart-warming 3 sentences I read in a very long time. Thank you, Shandrea. I am not perfect, of course (ex., late to reply today), but I will not betray your trust in me!

anita

Dear Storm:

Good day to you too! “In terms of eggshells and not relaxing.. Yes all the time“- I am guessing that it’s the way you grew up, walking on eggshells, and it became a habit.

I grew up walking on eggshells, never knowing when and where something I said or didn’t say (but should have said, according to my mother)/ when and where an expression on my face would be the wrong expression (in her mind), never knowing when her next explosion of histrionic poor-me displays were going to take place, where she will blame me for hurting her feelings and making her miserable. It was a horrible way to live, day in and day out!

anita

Dear Meg:

“It feels like groundhogs day.. be quiet, get upset, wait to talk, when I do bring it up it starts an argument and my reaction is always the problem, never the actual problem…. Today, right now, I am ok. I’m getting my work done and feel ok. But man, when it comes on it derails me!“- best would be for the two of you to live apart. Is there no way at all to make it happen?

To cut the habitual groundhogs-day-chain, I suggest that you no longer wait to talk to him, and that you don’t talk to him anymore. No taking= no argument= no reaction on your part for him to falsely blame as the problem. (It will be difficult to break the habit though).

anita