Dear Simon:

Since my summary post in your thread, you added the following information: you live in the UK where you view people/ life to be “so materialistic… without any depth to it, so shallow… cars, houses, holidays, everything seems to be a competition that I don’t want to be in… not good enough for me or  authentic“.

As a barber for 20 years, you felt not good enough because you didn’t do a traditional apprenticeship, and as a chef running your own business, you give yourself no credit because  you didn’t go to culinary college. You never felt good  enough in relationships either, “I’ve never felt good enough in any way shape or form hating on myself for 34 years“. You are  judgmental of yourself and of others (it’s 2 sides of the same coin: judgmental of self/ judgmental of others).

You have “ADHD and anxiety issues.. catastrophize everything“, a “tortured soul“, and you are “in physical pain constantly from my feet all the way to my eyelids, years of standing on my feet“. You enjoy holidays with your family, but less so since your little girls are no longer little girls (now 18 and 17)- “the last few years things are not the same“.

“Everything I have ever done has been rush, rush, rush, my jobs even gave me an opportunity to rush barbering cutting hair as quickly as I can,  to make money cooking in my cafe quickly making meals to get people in and out of the restaurant…  I’m afraid of running out of time. I had kids for my grandparents so they would get to see them before they passed… It’s scary to try and just stop and not rush, but I think it’s the only choice I have which is why I feel that escaping to a monastery for a year would help“-

– I like the idea of you staying in a monastery for a short while because for one, you’d be off your feet, giving your body the rest it needs, and secondly, it’s a quiet place, especially if monastic silence is practiced. I imagine it’s noisy in your busy cafe/ busy life. It’d be nice to have silence instead, for a while.

You’ve experienced noise since your childhood, a disturbing, distressing kind of noise: “extreme shouting and swearing… sounded pretty violent” (when your parents were fighting, from what you shared Feb 2022). I am guessing that their violent shouting and swearing translated to Noise Within you, expressing itself as ADHD, and severe self-judgment ,the latter translating to the Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder which you mentioned back in Feb, 22: having to do everything perfectly, an impossibility long-term, leading to constant failures at achieving perfection, and as a result.. more self-judgment, more Noise Within.

Your Rushing Habit, as I called it, is perhaps about you trying to run away from the Noise Within.

The problem with your idea of escaping to a monastery for a year, is that a year is a very long time. It may be that you are currently rushing to a 1-year stay in a monastery without thinking it through. Back in Feb 2022, you shared that you are afraid to be alone (“I’m just too afraid to be alone“), that you’ve been afraid to be left alone since you were a child: “lying in bed next to my sister as a child in the dark, wanting someone to talk to. That’s been the story of my life“.

You may feel very alone in a monastery day after day, month after month, a whole year, no one to talk to..?

* I suppose there is such a thing as good noise and bad noise: the first is peaceful, accepting, forgiving, enduring; the second is violent, rejecting,  critical, judgmental.

Which reminds me: you shared back in Feb 2022, in regard to your wife: “I swear at her… it’s like I have Tourette’s with the insults“- is this .. bad noise still happening?

anita

* Just as I was to submit the above, I noticed that you added a post: “... whoever you all are, when I get these wonderful replies to my messages I fall in love with you. Why does this happen to me? my heart actually yearns for whoever you are to help me and I feel you can heal my life for me. I feel this way about lots of things careers, people, cars and motorbikes. I’ve read that this is an ADHD trait I hope this doesn’t put anyone off replying to me.”– no, it doesn’t discourage me from replying to you. I think that the reason you get hopeful about being helped and healed is because you need help and healing. Connecting this to my post above: you very much need to replace bad noise with good noise.

anita

Dear Kshitij:

You are welcome, and thank you for your appreciation and grace!

“This is what I wrote in my journal just a few minutes back- ‘Sometimes it appears like I am living in a state of constant fear… anxious about not doing enough, not making the best out of this opportunity… that I have been able to do nothing and others are doing far better than me“- the pressure to do more, to make the best out of this opportunity, to do as well or better than others- is causing you anxiety.

“What is the result? I feel that I am always rushing, that I am lagging behind“- I read that Rushing and Being late/ lagging behind are two sides of the same coin.

“A part of me feels constant fatigue, partially because from the past two months my sleep pattern has been really bad…“- I checked, it’s 1:40 am where you are (at the time I submit this post). The pressure and the anxiety that goes with it is exhausting you.

If.. if you truly, deeply understand how harmful pressure is for you, how it is congruent with failure, (and incongruent with success), is there a way for you to form the intent to remove any and all pressure from your mind, as in saying: if I fail, I fail, so be it..?

“I am not anyways very good in socializing“- no wonder, being that you are under so much stress, and so exhausted.

“I have exams in less than two weeks of time, that is also adding on some stress“- removing the unnecessary, harmful pressure from your mind-  will lower your stress level and promote your chances to do better academically.

anita

Dear Kshitij:

I thought that I’d look up some quotes about hopelessness for you. I think that the following apply to you, as well as to me and many others (I am adding the boldface feature):

“The best way to not feel hopeless is to get up and do something. Don’t wait for good things to happen to you. If you go out and make some good things happen, you will fill the world with hope, you will fill yourself with hope” (“… helplessness induce(s) hopelessness”),

“In times of great stress or adversity, it’s always best to keep busy, to plow your anger and your energy into something positive”

“The world is bad but not without hope. It is only hopeless when you look at it from an ideal viewpoint”

“when things go wrong, don’t go with them“,             “do not despair, do not give up, look for the sunlight through the clouds“.

And a quote (medium. com/ why I am not in a hurry and you shouldn’t be either) about mental rushing (such as perhaps, … Intrusive and Anxious Thoughts): “Being in a hurry is not solely a visible action. It is an internal state that comes from the human desire to speed up time in the hope of achieving the result faster. We may also say, it is an internal aggression toward time… hastiness leads to suffering and a loss of presence in the present moment…  People who speed up time drastically lower their energy levels and start getting chronic fatigue and sick… You must let go of rushing, internally as well as externally. It’s as much a mindset as a behavior that you are letting go of”

anita

Dear Meatball:

It’s 7:08 pm here (west coast), and good to read (!) that you cancelled her flights for the trip, and having a friend (a real friend) replace her.

“This time I’m staying strong and doing what needs to be done“- this is Strong You!

I am well, thank you, and I feel better for reading/ feeling your strength!

May the Force be with you! (a Star Wars saying).

anita

Dear Meatball:

June 2: ” We were set to leave for a vacation in a couple days.  It won’t be easy but I’m still going WITHOUT her.  I’ve asked her to be out by the time I get back.“- you are set to leave for a vacation tomorrow, June 4. Two days ago, you told her that you will be going on vacation without her, and that she should be out by the time you are back. It is possible that by this time, 21 hours after you posted, she talked you into leaving on vacation with her… And that she will not be out of your house by the time you (and her) return from vacation.

It’s possible because of (1) your anxious attachment style and codependency, (2) she has no money/ credit to rent her own place and no one to take her in, (3) it’s been a pattern: “I know it has to end, but I’m so emotional and… I don’t want to live without her (and daughter) in my life. One day I’m crying all day and the next day I’m OK boxing up more things” (April 28).

You wanted to help and rescue another  damsel in distress, didn’t you? (“most of my relationships and most women I have had relationships with have been ‘broken’ and in need of ‘fixing’“), thinking that if you provide for her a stable home, rent/ expense free, following her chaotic childhood (“she was moving around house to house, state to state…“), she’d appreciate you and the stability you offer her,  and treat you with the love and respect forevermore..?

Problem is that when you met her, she was 34, not the child that she was 20-30 earlier. You met a woman with established mental-emotional and behavioral habits that are not congruent with a stable relationship. The chaotic events of her childhood transferred to chaos in her mind, heart and relationships.

“”I’ve been Mr. nice guy and have always put her needs above mine, this is what I needed to finally get it thru my thick scull that I deserve so much more and need to find someone that actually WANTS to be with me. I’m MAD and SAD, probably more mad at myself for being a doormat and always believing her“- please be kind to the anxious and codependent part of you, make your mental-emotional health your No 1 priority.

anita

Dear Going Through Life:

This is what you shared about EN, summarized: you met her through a dating app in Sept 2023, met her in-person two times only, and communicated long-distance almost everyday for 4 months, until Dec 2023, when she told you that it’s best to stop talking because of the distance and the timing, and a few days later, she told you that she met someone else. At one point, she offered to stay friends with you, but you declined, saying that if you want to be friends, you will reach out to her. You reached out to her at the end of March, or very early April 2024, and her response: “she isn’t looking forward to a friendship, saying her new boyfriend may feel uncomfortable.”

About your feelings for her, you shared (the boldfaced are your words) that communicating almost everyday with her over the course of 4 months was nice and fun, you started to fall for her, you felt that your feelings for her were reciprocated, you miss that connection with her, feeling a strong pure bond to her, and that on one hand, your feelings for her scare you, and on the other, thinking about her makes you smile a lot. And last thing you added in your most recent pot is: “I was never attached to EN“.

This is what you shared about SS: you met her in Feb 2024, she is nice and sweet and she’s smart too, but you don’t want to through your  attachment issues, and focus on your goals instead. You are thinking about breaking up with her because you don’t feel such a strong connection with her, you miss EN a lot, and want a connection like you had with EN. You added, in your most recent post: “And I think besides feelings I’m starting to get attached to SS which I’m not keen of“.

Back in Jan 30 (page 1) I added online quotes about the avoidant attachment style, including what you shared about another young woman, SK: “It was a very passionate and lovely relationship… I was really attracted to her”, “I broke up with her..  got into FWB… I again pulled myself away. I did this push and pull a lot with her“.

In your Jan 30- 31 replies, you wrote: “I agree with the fearful avoidant attachment style… Even now when I think someone will love me, I will end up pushing them away. I’m scared of that deep commitment… I regret a lot not accepting her love… My emotions were always numbed with SK. I refused to say I love you to her many times, I was scared, I (have) burst out with anger sometimes too… I was never emotionally dependent on anyone since I was young“.

Normally, I’d follow the above with my analysis, but this time, I would like you to sit with the above for a while and come up with your own, thoughtful analysis over time of calm contemplation.

I find these sentences in your post of seven hours ago most interesting: “I think besides feelings I’m starting to get attached to SS which I’m not keen of. I was never attached to EN.“- I would very much like to read your analysis including what these two sentences mean.

anita

Dear Meatball:

“I’ve asked her to be out by the time I get back“- this is the best part of your latest post. I hope that she will be out by the time you are back from vacation! I’ll write more Mon morning (it’s Sun evening here)

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

“But what do you love about… me specifically apart from others… I don’t feel seen… I am not sure he sees what makes me special… I often rely on others to see myself… About soulmates, I think this feeling of them turning on a light in a dark room so that I can see myself… My craving to be seen is very intense… I am alone in a dark room… I analyze all the relationships in my life, extensively. Out of wonder of why they aren’t understanding what I am saying…I grew up surrounded, and am now realizing am currently still surrounded by people with closed third eyes, they do not see beyond very basic needs/ perspectives. My friend P… Just as N… And just like my roommate… I have been around so many people who have challenged my third eye… If I have OCD about anything, it is the fact I want to be as self aware as possible. I fear a lack of it. I also doubt my ability to be self aware so I open up to people who might help me see” (July 29, 2023- May 29, 2024)

I read that sometime during the 2nd year of life, a child (boy or girl), for the first time in her life, recognizes herself in the mirror, and that is the beginning of self-awareness: that’s me in the mirror! (Apart from others!)

Your self-awareness started a long time ago (you do recognize yourself in the mirror). But when your father demanded that you see him, he significantly disrupted the further and farther development of your self-awareness, and you found yourself in the dark, craving light, and depending on friends, boyfriends, others, to turn on the light for you,  so that you can see you.

It didn’t work, I believe, because it takes a qualified psychotherapist, within a professional therapeutic context, to help a person whose mental- emotional development was significantly disrupted in childhood (to help long-term, that is, beyond feeling better for just a sort while).

My mental- emotional development, as far as self-awareness (and others-awareness), was severely disrupted in childhood, causing me lots of mental suffering and dependence on.. strangers to help me, strangers who failed me. I was indeed in the dark, aimless, long-term direction, and often, not even a short-term direction; time and resources diffused and wasted. My first quality psychotherapist of 2011-13 was not perfect, but the best I ever had. It started me turning the light on, again and again, and overall, there’s been a significant, long-term Luminance Enhancement in my life (LE, just felt like coming up with an acronym, so I did just because I felt like it, lol).

anita