Dear Clara:

Good morning here, good night to you! Good to read from you: clearer and another step ahead toward moving on!

“she thinks too shallow (may be too compartmentalized/ emotionally unaware, if we use more psychological terms), while they all know how much of a deep thinker I am“- I agree.

“But the funny thing is, I think I knew this, and my mind says ‘if you are committed to someone, then you should not give up on that person because of her ‘flaw’“-  you should give up on her because she told you (I am sad to be repeating her words) that she does not like you anymore, and that she has no feelings for you. And because you can’t trust what she says in regard to her feelings: she told you something to the affect of it being difficult for her to separate from you, from a person she has no feeling for: this is not believable because when person A has no feelings for (not even liking) person B, it’s not difficult for A to separate from B, it’s difficult to stay with B.

“In my mind, I think I should work with her to see how we can improve, rather than, just walk away. The fine line between being perseverant and being stubborn, is hard to manage in a relationship for me. When should a relationship really stops?“- when one or two of the people in the relationship says they don’t like the other.

The line between being perseverant and being stubborn in this context, as I see it, is that in being stubborn, you don’t really hear what she said, or you don’t process it, or you explain it away (as in, maybe you think that she likes you and has feelings for you but is currently unaware of these feelings). Perseverance has logic behind it; stubbornness, sometimes has no logic behind it, and when that’s the case, it leads to suffering.

“I think sometime objectively, she should be more emotional mature (given she is 40, but honestly there are a lot 40’s who are still not knowing what they are doing in their lives… ), on the other hand, I think she really doesn’t have the skills or capability yet so I should be more empathetic“- if she was a 4-year-old child and you were her 40-year-old teacher, you could empathetically teach her skills and capabilities and she would be eager to learn, I imagine. But like most older adults (30s and onward), she is done learning certain things. I don’t think that she looks up to you (as a child would look up to a teacher) to teach her things in matters of emotional skills and capabilities.

“I think being with this person has given me a lot of lessons to learn, given that we are quite different. I think we must have cared for each a lot at some points, that allowed us to sustain 5.5 years of relationship“- yes, she cared for you as much as she is capable of. There were good things in the relationship, good times to honor and to move on from, at the same time. Do I make sense?

anita

Dear Laven:

I know the glancing up at the mirror moments, I know the experience.

I wanted to tell you (I thought about it earlier today, before your most recent post): I’ve been posing in your threads since March of this year, over five months of posting. And never did you address me, never did you mention my name, or say thank-you, (neither to me, nor to your other responders).

And I told you recently: it’s okay, you don’t need to respond to me, no need to address me, just keep expressing yourself, for as long as you need to do that.. for as long as it helps. And I still say: please do: start more threads, type away your thoughts and feelings for as long as you need to.

And.. I have my needs: I need to be acknowledged for my efforts to attend to you, to make you feel seen and heard. I need to honor- not only your needs- but my own needs.

And so, as I said before, you are welcome to start as many threads as you wish, you are welcome to submit posts of any length. It’s just that if you do not address me by name (anita), and you do not talk to me, I will not post in your threads again.

Other responders may reply to you, and that is fine with me. Please keep posting. It’s just that I need to read my name, typed out by you, for the first time in five months, for me to reply to you again.

Assuming you will not address me by name (because it hurts, because you can’t, as you expressed), I say: goodbye, Laven, my best wishes for you. Post again and again, others will respond, I think.

anita

Dear Zenith:

“I don’t want to do it.“- you are so cute, you made me smile (affectionately). Well, you don’t have to do it, I want you to do what will give you (lasting) peace.

anita

I’ll be back to you in a few hours, Zenith!

anita

Dear Klast:

“There can be no justice when dealing with fate, just acceptance of being a victim“- acceptance of what we cannot change, acceptance of what we can not undo.

Dear Zenith:

“I don’t want friends“- I see your all-or-nothing tendency, as in: if she is not in your life all the way, then she must not be in your life at all.

“I was doing pretty okay until the incident happened yesterday“- you need to learn to tolerate or regulate being triggered, to not over-react emotionally (or behaviorally). We talked about emotion regulation. Remember my (emotion regulation) NPARR strategy?

There’ll always be triggers, and feeling okay will be temporary until you successfully practice emotion regulation.

anita

Dear Laven:

“She’s 92“- I didn’t know that she was in her 90s. For some reason, I thought she was in her later 70s, or early 80s. Few people live into their 100s, very few. Time for you to say goodbye to her, a loving, kind .. see you on the other side.. kind-of goodbye?

anita

Dear Zenith:

“I saw my friend..  I want to stay away from people for a little while.“- will it help if you no longer think of her as a friend (and therefore have expectations of her fitting a friend), and instead, think of her as nothing but a mere acquaintance (and therefore, no expectations)?

anita