Dear Laven:

“Unfortunately since I needed comfort because I have no one.. against my better judgment I contacted neighbor ghoster guy. I am very ashamed and defeated… very disappointed in myself“- please replace the shame and disappointment with yourself with empathy and compassion for yourself!

“This is just a reminder of how truly lonely I am… I am very overwhelmed. Stressed, and depressed.“- will it help you to have me as your friend, here, in the context of your thread?

This current tread is your 13th thread. You posted 13 original posts in the 13 threads, and only one reply (a 2nd post), which you didn’t address to any of your responders, and that was on March 20 this year, 5 months ago.

And that’s okay. If you don’t reply to my current post.. it’s okay. I would still like to reply to your future threads. I am offering to be your friend, here,  just in case it may help you.

“I learned that during the admission process with a social worker.. my foster mom didn’t want a dnr order. She wants resuscitation and intubation.. if her heart stops.. This is very surprising to me, because she is always depressed“- her depression did not void her desire to live, she still wants to live!

anita

Dear  Sammie:

In the first part of my reply, I want to go over some of what you shared in your previous thread Broken After Being Left (he disappeared), May 26 – June 3, 2023: you shared that your previous boyfriend routinely lied to you, cheated on you, ignored you, disappeared and came back to you, only to disappeared again, and he did all this throughout the years-long relationship.

On your part, you tried to be thoughtful and understanding of him (“I tried to be thoughtful and compassionate as he has family issues and problems with his mum… I was always trying to be understanding…  I could see he was hurting deeply and I picked up on low self esteem“), while being scared of him (“I was very scared of emotional abuse and him being cold to me. He would hide his emotions so I was afraid of what he could be like if angered but never actually saw him angry“), angry at him (“I did nothing wrong. I tried to be lovely all the time and it isn’t fair because he lied and cheated. It feels like bad people always win. It’s not fair“), confused and in disbelief (“I’m stuck in a loop of confusion and it is preventing me from moving forward… I feel anger sometimes but mostly I’m in disbelief. I’d say I can’t believe that it came so out of the blue“).

You shared that you were scared of being alone, and “I’ve not been without a boyfriend since I was 13 (I’m now 34 years old)“, that you don’t know how to meet new people (“I’m 34 and I don’t know how to meet new people”), and: “When I am well, I am self sufficient. I own my house, travel by myself and generally don’t have any problems making new friends“.

You also shared: “I’m petite and very small…  I’m a scientist for my job“, “I don’t want a repetition of this pain and trauma“, and “I would like the option of being able to meet someone when I am ready but at the moment I see the damage that my last relationship has caused. It is currently preventing me from having a future with someone new. I’m not sure how to get past this fear of men when they are potential romantic partners“.

Fast forward from June 2023 to Aug 21, 2024: “I’ve been all over the world since last we spoke – Italy, Japan, Singapore, Indonesia, the Philippines. I’ve had so many incredible experiences and met incredible people. Life has been challenging and put my faith in the wrong person again but I have learned more life lessons” (in your old thread).

In your new thread Loving Again After A Toxic Relationship (Aug 2024), you shared that you are a dancer and performer (“My life is dancing. I perform in shows“), that in the last year or so, you had another toxic relationship that was concluded, that you have lots of friends and a new boyfriend: “I have a new boyfriend now. It’s different. It’s calm. It’s safe“,  but in regard to the most recent abusive ex-boyfriend, you wrote (Aug 21, 2024): “But sometimes, on days like today, I miss him. I miss what we should have been. I miss what we could have been… I feel empty. I feel apathy. I worry that I won’t be able to feel again“.

You shared that when you were first introduced to your most recent abusive boyfriend, he lured you to his apartment and tried to take off your shoes: “My instinct was that I was very tall in my shoes, taller than him and while I am taller, he cannot make a move on me. I need to keep my shoes on to be safe“- I understand your need at the time to keep your high heeled shoes on, because as you shared a year ago, you are “petite and very small“, and therefore, more vulnerable to physical abuse or attack, even by a man as short as this most recent abusive man was (being that you, a petite and very small woman, even on high heeled shoes, was taller than him).

In your most recent post, you shared that the most recent abusive boyfriend told you that you needed to stop lying (“He said I needed to stop lying all the time about who I am and about being good at things“), that you’ve been having therapy last year and currently, and that the “therapy at the moment is focusing on switching the narrative away from the things this awful man said to me and instead focusing on my self confidence“.

To me, you wrote: “Anita, thank you for your words“- you are welcome!

“Your words have validated me. For so long I’ve been treated like I’ve been making a fuss over nothing. My instincts were to stay away, but I was told otherwise by people who had not witnessed what I had“- I didn’t witness your experience at his apartment the night he lured you in, just as your friends didn’t witness it. My reaction was based on what you shared. I have no idea (!!!) how anyone, based on what you shared with them (if it’s the same as what you shared on your thread) can possibly perceive his behavior on that night as okay, or as him just having a bad day (“They said he was having a bad day“).

“The two versions of my life: the one where I feel grey, controlled, attacked. Or the one where I am surrounded by people I love and who love me back, in a supportive and warm environment“- I wonder if most of the time, when one version is On, the other is Off, as in, it’s one version or the other?

“I’ve been upset today. It’s hard sometimes with my new boyfriend because his kind words and support can be jarring and can catch me off guard“- kind words are jarring and catch you off guard; abusive words (such as the two ex-boyfriends’ words) are calming, in a way (opposite to jarring), something expected?

Abusive words and behaviors/ emotional abuse.. is something you experienced as a child, growing up? (Of course, you don’t have to answer any of my questions).

It might be that abusive men are excite you, in that their abusive behavior trigger your child intense hope that this time, the abuser will change into a nice person, just for you.

“Then when I think humans can be so nice so why are there humans who can be so cruel?“- my mother was both at different times: very nice, or very cruel. I grew up very confused, and only recently have I experienced a much-needed clarity.

“Change the narrative, I found the strength to stand up for myself and I’ve moved forward to a better life. I don’t feel scared anymore. I don’t feel anxious…“- is this the 2nd version of you: the confident, iridescent, loved, very fortunate, and always grateful (your words) version of you?

anita

Dear Clara: I will read and reply in about 12 hours.

anita

Dear Shandrea: I have to run, but will be back to you this evening or tonight. About your question: can you think of an answer before I return?

anita

Dear Shandrea:

“Connecting with people in a positive way I’m going to remember this… I’m not a fan of loneliness. I have a pet cat“- can you tell me about the ways you are connecting with your pet cat that are positive?

Are there ways you are connecting with your cat that are negative?

You wrote yesterday, “I have trust issues“- tell me about it, if you will (you never have to answer my questions, it’s always okay for you to not answer).

Personally, I grew up largely disconnected from people, alone (too little companionship and interactions with peers, particularly of the positive kind), and very lonely: my mother was in my close proximity a whole lot, but I felt very lonely in her presence and wished to be away from her.

I didn’t trust her, other adults, or my peers. Trust and Loneliness are connected. Like you, I google words a lot: “Loneliness”=>  “sadness because one has no friends or company”.

“The connection between loneliness and trust issues” => “Lonely people show reduced activity and connectivity in brain areas involved in trust formation”, “Reduced trust is both a cause and a consequence of loneliness”. What do you think about this connection?

anita

Dear Lola:

“my boss was flirting with me on our Xmas party, he was arm in arm with me, gave me a long hug before I got into the cab, staring into my eyes and telling me I am doing great and he was so happy with me. My husband had come to pick me up and saw us and got very upset“- your boss was walking you to a cab arm in arm, and before you got into the cab, he gave you a hug, telling you that he appreciates your work. He did all that in public, in front of the other attendees of the Xmas party. Your husband did not know that a cab was ordered for you and came to pick you up, seeing you and your boss walking arm in arm, and/ or he saw the hug.

Wikipedia defines flirting as “a social and sexual behavior involving body language, or spoken or written communication between humans”. In your description above, I personally do not see the sexual element. I can’t tell what your former boss felt when he hugged you, but you did not mention any sexual response or behavior on his part.

“he (your husband) fought with me for months, still hates me for it today even though I quit. It also became physical and I was hurt trying to apologize, I didn’t cheat and felt so depressed“- your husband fought with you for months and hit you (or caused you physical harm otherwise). This is an abusive overreaction to the Xmas party scene above.

You told your boss about your husband fighting with you. At first, he was sympathetic, then he started ignoring you, and then your manager (a woman) “started to show hate and micromanage me and load me with so much work it was impossible to do it all to her expectations…  then placed me on a performance improvement plan which was impossible to achieve“. Next, knowing you were about to get fired, you quit the job.

You’ve been looking for a new job, having had 5 interviews. About one of the interviewer, you wrote: “the interviewer hugged me at the end and promised she would follow up in a week, she didn’t… she ghosted me, I feel terrible and rejected“- it seems strange to me that an interviewer in a professional setting will hug the interviewed (unless the two know each other as friends from before the interview..?)

I am not suggesting it was a flirting behavior on her part, as in a sexual element being involved, and you didn’t mention such, perhaps (?) because unlike your former boss, the interviewer was a woman.

“I’m so depressed now that I have no job, no income, and all my interviews have been unsuccessful… my husband is trying to be supportive and has been paying all the bills“- your husband is trying to be supportive, but he still hates you today (“still hates me for it today even though I quit“, you wrote earlier).

“My husband and I are trying for a baby“- while he hates you?

“I am physically very attractive (been told this) and all men try to flirt with me at some point even though I am strict with morals and would never cheat“- this suggests to me that you expect men to try to flirt with you simply because all men have tried to flirt with you. Perhaps at times, you misinterpret men’s gestures and behaviors to mean that they are flirting with you when they are not.

“I feel suicidal most days and have vivid dreams of death and sometimes working in a good job… my brain is unable to cope with this development and low in my life, especially since I was doing well in my career, I wonder if it’s just me, or has anyone else been through this, defeated and broken…  I cant bear this happened to me… and feel so lonely… I don’t have friends“- sometime while I was typing this reply, you deactivated your account and appear as Anonymous. It happened before that members deactivated their accounts and returned to their threads under a different account. I hope that this will be the case with you!

You wrote that you feel so lonely and that you don’t have friends. If you return to your thread, I would like to be your friend (in the context of your thread): not because you are physically very attractive, but because you are emotionally in pain. I would like to read from you more, talk with you more, share with you.

“please help/advice me on what I can do.“- please return to your thread. There is a quote I like: “The only way out is through“- let me walk with you through and out of your depression and loneliness..?

anita

Be back to you Wed morning (Tues 9:45 pm here, Wed 12:45 am where you are, I believe). Good night for the two of us, Shandrea!

anita