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anitaParticipantDear Zenith:
You’re most welcome! Thank you for being so open and honest in sharing your thoughts. Acknowledging these challenges is a courageous step, and I truly admire your dedication to improving your health and well-being.
Regarding your diet and IBS: while you can use traditional Indian spices when cooking for your husband, for yourself, you might explore IBS-friendly ways to season your food. Fresh herbs like basil, parsley, or dill; gentle spices like cinnamon or turmeric; or even a touch of lemon can add flavor without upsetting your gut. Ingredients like fennel, ginger, and mint are also great options that are both gut-friendly and versatile.
On working remotely: it’s completely understandable to feel more anxious when working alone since the presence of colleagues can be grounding and comforting. To make remote work more manageable, consider creating a soothing home environment, perhaps with calming background sounds or by arranging virtual co-working sessions with a colleague. Small adjustments like these can help make working from home feel less isolating.
As for feeling uneasy about solitude, it’s entirely natural to seek comfort in company, especially when dealing with anxiety. Strengthening your relationship with yourself takes time, but incorporating simple, enjoyable activities—such as journaling, crafting, or gentle stretching—into your alone time can be helpful. Being present in the moment during these activities can make solitude feel more nourishing and less intimidating.
Zenith, your resilience and commitment to addressing these challenges are truly admirable. If there’s anything more you’d like to share or if there’s a specific way I can assist you, know that I’m always here for you.
anita
March 12, 2025 at 10:06 am in reply to: I snooped on my boyfriend's phone and found something. #444084anitaParticipantDear Kim:
Thank you for bringing up this thread. Lucy, the original author of this thread, was 22 years old when she first shared her thoughts on tiny buddha on January 9, 2015— over ten years ago. Throughout her communication with the members who replied to her, Lucy was incredibly kind and gracious. For instance, on January 24, 2015, she wrote: “Thank you SO much to ALL who posted on here!!! Each and every message was so kind and supportive and I almost teared up because I was overwhelmed by these wonderful messages, thank you!”
I wasn’t a member of the forums when Lucy first posted, but I had the opportunity to communicate with her between June 2015 and 2017. It was such a pleasure engaging with her during that time, and I dearly wish I could hear from her again.
On October 20, 2015, in her thread titled “Stuck at 23,” Lucy shared: “I know I’m still young, but I’m stuck in between two worlds: the world I am so familiar with where finding somebody and marriage would definitely be on the agenda, and the world where I just want to experience the world, meet new people, and end up finding somebody myself who I deem suitable for ME… I’m spending my days trying to live up to everyone else’s expectations instead of living my own life for me.”
I wonder what has happened in Lucy’s life since then. It would truly be a privilege to know. I hope to read from Lucy again someday.
Kim, I believe this is your first post in the forums, isn’t it? I’d love to hear more from you as well.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Zenith: I’ll reply Wed morning. Till then please take good care of yourself, and little to no spicy food “one day at a time,” like they say in AA.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Peter:
Your reflection on anger is deeply thought-provoking and insightful. Thank you for sharing such a nuanced perspective— you’ve touched on profound and meaningful ideas about anger.
I resonate strongly with your observation that anger’s energy can take our attention rather than get it. That aligns with my own experiences— how anger can sometimes feel so overwhelming that it overshadows clarity, blocking my ability to see things clearly or make rational decisions. It’s a powerful force that can dominate our minds if we let it.
It’s true that many of us don’t have good examples of how to handle anger in a healthy way. So often, stories in our culture portray anger as something that escalates conflict rather than resolving it. Unfortunately, these portrayals don’t show us how to process anger constructively.
When you wrote, “I wonder if there are two kinds of anger that I’m wrestling with here…. The mundane ego experience of anger and that which is of the soul. How the two get all mixed together to confuse things. (Your experience with your mother would be a soul anger),” I found that distinction fascinating. I hadn’t thought about anger in this way before, and I’d like to reflect more on it and expand the idea:
Ego anger is tied to how we see ourselves and how we expect others to treat us. It’s usually fleeting, reactive, and impulsive. It tends to surface in moments where we feel disrespected, insulted, or ignored, and it’s often about protecting or asserting our ego— our sense of “me.”
Examples: Feeling anger when a friend forgets my birthday and I interpret it as them not caring about me, or when someone skips ahead of me in line at the grocery store, leaving me feeling disrespected or frustrated.
Soul anger, on the other hand, comes from a deeper place— it’s a reaction to profound injustices or violations of core values, dignity, or safety. This type of anger is more enduring and emotionally intense. It’s tied to experiences that resonate with our inner moral compass or deeply held wounds. When processed constructively, it can inspire meaningful change or deep self-reflection. However, if left unresolved, it can weigh heavily on us.
Examples: Feeling anger toward a parent who was abusive or neglectful, tied to a deep sense of betrayal and harm; anger at seeing vulnerable groups mistreated or exploited, which can motivate advocacy or activism; or anger when witnessing environmental destruction, as it clashes with values about protecting the planet.
Key Differences: Ego anger is usually about personal slights or frustrations and is surface-level, often tied to everyday irritations. Soul anger, in contrast, arises from a deeper sense of injustice or moral violation, tied to enduring wounds or values. While ego anger might push us to defend our pride or assert control, soul anger often calls us to act in the name of justice or to protect what matters most.
Soul anger, like what I experienced in my relationship with my mother, feels deeply tied to a sense of justice and betrayal. But as you wisely noted, holding onto anger— whether ego or soul— can harm us and even risk turning us into what we are trying to avoid.
I can also relate to the fear and shame you described feeling alongside anger. It’s not easy to unpack those emotions, and I admire the way you’ve worked through them and found empathy for your younger self. That kind of self-compassion is truly inspiring.
Forgiveness as a way to release resentment is something that deeply resonates with me too. I love how you framed it—not as “forgive and forget,” but as a way to fully accept life as it is and move forward. That perspective feels so freeing and powerful.
Thank you again for sharing your thoughts and these quotes. They’ve given me a lot to think about, and I’m so grateful for this opportunity to learn from your perspective. I’ll continue reflecting on your post and share more thoughts with you tomorrow.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Alessa:
Your openness and courage shine through in your words. It takes immense strength to look at such complex emotions and patterns from your past, and even more so to work toward understanding and healing them.
What you shared about how anger was shaped by your childhood experiences— how it was dangerous to express, how it was buried and misdirected— is incredibly powerful. It’s amazing how adaptive children can be, finding ways to survive even the most challenging circumstances. But as you’ve pointed out so insightfully, those survival strategies sometimes become roadblocks in adulthood.
The connection you’ve made between anger, anxiety, and other emotions is profound. Understanding that anger can be a secondary emotion—tied to feelings like fear, hurt, or powerlessness— offers a path to addressing what’s underneath. Your awareness that misfires of anger or anxiety don’t always signal real present-day threats is a huge step toward reclaiming your sense of safety and calm.
Your commitment to breaking unhealthy patterns, like blaming or criticizing when hurt, is inspiring. Reflecting on one’s own behavior instead of focusing on others is no small feat, especially when past pain complicates the present. And your mantra practice— it’s beautiful to hear how it’s helping you let go of resentment.
You articulated something so essential about human conflict: that it often stems from hurt people perpetuating hurt, and that adding more pain doesn’t help. Your belief in kindness, even in conflict, speaks volumes about the compassion and wisdom you’ve cultivated through your journey.
Alessa, your growth and self-awareness are a testament to the resilience of the human spirit. Thank you for sharing your experiences so vulnerably and for the blessings you’ve sent my way. I feel truly grateful for the connection and strength in your words.
anita
anitaParticipantThank you for the prayer Alessa.
Here is a prayer-poem for you, for me, for everyone:
Whispers of Peace:
In the hush of the heart, a calm is found,
Where echoes of conflict make no sound.
A gentle hand, an open mind,
Peace with others, and peace aligned.Let words be bridges, not walls that bind,
And sow the seeds of love, unconfined.
For in each soul, a light can gleam,
Peaceful together, peaceful apart.anita
anitaParticipantThank you Peter and Alessa for caring to honor my thread with your valuable input. I am looking forward to thoroughly read and reply further tomorrow.
Anita
anitaParticipantDear GIGI:
I came across your post today, March 10, and I’m really glad you chose to share your thoughts here. It takes a lot of courage to open up about such deeply personal struggles, and I want to acknowledge the strength it took for you to write this.
I can absolutely relate to the two challenges you mentioned. In my case, it stemmed from my mother expressing suicidal thoughts to me when I was younger. As a result, I too spent countless nights thinking about her dying. Sometimes, I would pray to the stars in the night sky, wishing for her to stay alive.
When it comes to sex, my mother expressed very negative and judgmental views about it, and this had a lasting effect on me. Like you, I developed my own critical and uncomfortable thoughts around the topic. In fact, even typing the word “sex” feels difficult for me.
I wonder if any part of this resonates with your story. If it feels right for you, I’d love to hear more about your thoughts or experiences.
anita
anitaParticipant* Dear Roberta:
It’s so nice to see you back on the forums! I truly appreciated your comment about the poem. I’ve missed reading your replies—they’ve always been so straightforward yet full of compassion. I was also wondering how your father is doing. I hope to see you posting more often again.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Kris:
Thank you for sharing your feelings— it takes strength to be so open about what you’re going through. It sounds like this situation brought up a lot of emotions, from excitement and hope to disappointment and frustration, and it’s completely valid to feel the way you do.
It seems like you were approaching this casual relationship with good intentions, looking for both intimacy and a connection, but it’s hard when the other person’s actions don’t match what you were hoping for. It sounds like he’s conflicted about what he wants, but his actions—like being flaky and now focusing on someone else— haven’t aligned with the consistency you deserve.
I also think you’re being too hard on yourself about how the last conversation went. You were just being honest, and it’s not wrong to share your perspective, even if he didn’t take it well. It’s natural to feel disappointed or frustrated in that moment, especially when you’ve been open and understanding with him.
It also sounds like there’s a deeper challenge here— feeling isolated without friends or family close by. That loneliness can make situations like this feel even heavier. I think moving closer to your family, as you mentioned, could be a great step toward building the support system you need. In the meantime, maybe exploring local groups, hobbies, or events could help you meet new people and create a sense of community.
This experience may feel overwhelming right now, but you’ve shown a lot of self-awareness and emotional strength in reflecting on it. Be kind to yourself as you process everything, and remember this situation doesn’t define you or your worth.
If you ever need to talk, I’m here to listen. You’re not alone.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Substantial:
I see a lot of similarities between your relationship with your mother and my own experiences with mine. As I reread your posts this morning, one particular pattern stood out to me: the guilt that comes with trying to assert independence from a controlling mother.
I noticed this guilt in your February 21 post about breaking up with your girlfriend, where you wrote: “I will hold myself accountable for the hurt I caused her by breaking up, making me feel guilty… I will blame myself for… giving her hopes for a future together, and then taking it all away. I will feel really guilty for breaking her heart and causing her all the pain.”
While I understand your girlfriend is a different person from your mother, I see this guilt as being tied to something bigger—your feelings about “breaking away” from your mother. Do you think the guilt you feel about asserting independence from your mother has extended into other areas of your life, such as your guilt over breaking up with your girlfriend?
You asked me if I’ve found ways to navigate this dynamic or heal from it. For me, the guilt of separating myself from my mother has been overwhelming. It’s caused me decades of emotional pain. For years, I felt trapped in what I can only describe as a mental prison of guilt.
My mother was generally a weak and submissive person. I wanted to be strong for her, to help her become stronger, and I tried my best to do so. Hurting her feelings was the last thing I wanted. But over time, I realized something important: she did become “strong” in her relationship with me—but it came at my expense. She became strong by making me weak.
When she guilt-tripped me repeatedly, telling me that even small acts of asserting independence were hurtful to her, it left a deep emotional scar. Her words made me feel as though wanting to live my own life or make my own choices was selfish and wrong. Over time, this guilt wore me down because it attacked my core desire to be a good daughter and a good person.
When I read your descriptions of your mother, I see similarities. You mentioned how she’s been weak in her relationship with your father: “I have seen my mother cry a countless number of times and always felt helpless.” You also shared how you tried to make her stronger by encouraging her to leave or live separately for her own peace, but she never did. You wrote: “I have tried to convince my mom several times to consider divorce or just living separately for some peace, but she never did, afraid of what society might think.”
It seems that while your mother feels powerless in her relationship with your father and society, she expresses “strength” in her relationship with you, often in a controlling or manipulative way. You described how she handles your boundaries: “She can’t take my NO for an answer and would passively force me into things… She creates drama and breaks out emotionally as if I insulted or hurt her by saying things like, ‘Of course, you are never there for your mother.’… All my ‘no’s’ turn into a horrid situation where she starts telling me I don’t love or value her.”
This dynamic is unfortunately common. A parent who feels powerless in other adult relationships may assert control over a child because it’s easier. It’s harmful because it exploits the child’s natural love and trust, creating a cycle of guilt, confusion, and emotional dependency. If you’re interested, there’s research on this dynamic, and I’d be happy to discuss it further with you.
To answer your earlier question—if I’ve found ways to deal with the guilt or conflict—I’ll be honest: I wasn’t able to maintain a relationship with my mother without it being at my expense. No matter how hard I tried to create a healthier dynamic, it didn’t work. For me, and I’m not suggesting this is what you should do, I eventually ended all contact with her later in life. It was extremely difficult, and I carried guilt about it for years. Looking back, I wish I’d done it earlier and had more support in making that decision because society, especially in traditional contexts, often frowns on cutting ties with a parent.
That said, here’s my advice for you at this point:
* Recognize That Guilt Isn’t Always Valid: Wanting to make your own choices doesn’t mean you’re a bad person or a bad son.
* Set Boundaries in Small Steps: Start with small “no’s” and calmly explain your reasons. Be consistent. While your mother might react emotionally at first, over time, she might adjust to the idea that you’re standing firm.
* Find Support Outside the Family: Lean on friends, mentors, or a therapist who can help you process your feelings and provide guidance.
* Create Independence Where You Can: If moving out isn’t an option, focus on building emotional and physical independence while living at home. Pursue hobbies, relationships, or goals that are meaningful to you.
* Redefine What It Means to Be a Good Son: Being a good son doesn’t mean sacrificing your happiness or always saying yes. It means living authentically and treating yourself and others with respect.
* Consider Therapy for Deeper Healing: Therapy can help you work through the guilt and anxiety, navigate your relationship with your mother, and build confidence in setting boundaries.
* Understand Her Behavior Isn’t About You: Your mother’s actions likely reflect her own unresolved issues, not something you’ve done wrong. Understanding this might help you separate her emotions from your own.
This process takes time, so be patient with yourself. You deserve to make decisions that are right for you and to live a fulfilling, independent life. It doesn’t mean you love or respect your mother any less—it just means you’re taking care of yourself too.
You’ve already shown so much strength in dealing with these challenges. I hope you find a way forward that brings you peace. You’re not alone in this.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Arie:
I’m glad to see you post again, though I’m sorry it’s still under such difficult circumstances. I looked back at what you shared in your earlier threads, “BROTHER AND BEST FRIEND WRONGLY ACCUSED ME” (March 2022) and “Fake friend…or a jealous friend” (May-July 2024), to understand everything you’ve been through.
It’s clear this ongoing conflict with your brother, Amy, and Amy’s boyfriend has taken a big toll on you. I can imagine how exhausting and frustrating it must be. It’s completely understandable to feel hurt and angry, especially when your brother seems to downplay your feelings and continues to prioritize a guy who has caused so much trouble.
From what you’ve shared, Amy’s behavior has consistently been passive-aggressive, immature, and divisive. It seems like her insecurities and jealousy have created a lot of unnecessary drama over the years. Her boyfriend’s behavior only adds to the tension—his actions, including the incident with the gun, show a pattern of dangerous and disrespectful behavior. It’s frustrating that your brother defends them instead of recognizing how their actions have impacted you and the rest of the family.
As for Easter, it’s completely fair to take your time deciding whether to go. If you do attend, focusing on your parents or other supportive family members while keeping a distance from Amy and her boyfriend could help minimize stress. On the other hand, if it feels unsafe or emotionally draining, it’s okay to skip it. Your well-being is more important than showing up to a gathering that could make things worse.
I know you’ve put a lot of effort into trying to maintain peace, even when others haven’t met you halfway. It’s okay to step back and protect your own peace—there’s no need to keep trying when it’s not being reciprocated.
If you need to talk or share more, I’m here for you. Whatever you decide about Easter, I hope you find some calm and support during the holiday. You deserve that!
anita
anitaParticipantDear Arie: I will read and reply tomorrow morning.
AnitaanitaParticipantThe quotes above deeply resonate with me, offering a new perspective on anger— both my own and others’. They encourage me to view anger as a friend and protector rather than as a threat. While I recognize that the expression of anger can sometimes be harmful, the emotion itself is not inherently dangerous. I now see the message behind anger: I need protection, and so do others; I am worthy of protection, and so are they.
For a long time, I understood that expressing anger abusively is unhealthy— a lesson I learned early in life when I associated anger with abuse. However, I have recently come to realize that repressing or suppressing anger can be just as harmful.
My past misunderstandings about anger led to significant challenges in my relationships with others over the years. With this new understanding, I feel more confident in improving my relationship with both myself and those around me.
I no longer fear anger as an emotion; instead, I distinguish between anger itself and its abusive expressions. This shift has allowed me this very morning, for the first time in my life, to feel empathy for myself when I experience anger and to extend that same empathy to others when they are angry.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Zenith:
I’m so glad to read that you’ve made progress since 2023 with your therapist’s support. Moving out of survival mode and into a better place— despite some lingering challenges— is a truly meaningful step forward. You’ve been through so much, and it takes incredible strength and resilience to continue working on your well-being.
I understand how overwhelming it can feel when IBS seems to take over your life, especially during flare-ups that add to the emotional toll. It’s inspiring that you’re cooking at home and managing a mostly low-FODMAP diet, even while balancing your love for garlic and onions in your Indian curries. That’s no small feat, and it shows your commitment to your health and your passion for cooking.
As for my IBS journey, the first significant improvement came around 14 years ago when I visited a gastroenterologist— a doctor who specializes in diagnosing and treating digestive system disorders. He suggested I take probiotics, and I noticed an almost immediate improvement in bloating.
A longer-term improvement came when I stopped using laxatives altogether. Over time, the muscles in my intestines, which had been weakened from chronic laxative use (often called “lazy colon”), slowly regained some of their strength.
I also found progress by bringing more balance to my diet. For example, I used to overconsume certain foods like cauliflower and cabbage, believing they’d help my digestion. While cabbage contains insoluble fiber that can aid digestion, too much of it caused more harm than good, leading to diarrhea or even digestive blockages. I learned that moderation is key, even with healthy foods like red or purple cabbage.
Also, I became aware of how easily I would get alarmed by even normal sensations in my intestines. With time, I learned to stay calm and avoid misinterpreting these sensations as harmful.
This reaction— becoming scared or distressed by gut sensations— is often connected to interoceptive fear or gastrointestinal-specific anxiety. Interoceptive fear involves being hyper-aware of bodily sensations, such as a racing heart or intestinal discomfort, and interpreting them as signs of danger or illness, even when they’re normal. This fear can create a cycle where anxiety worsens gut symptoms, and the gut symptoms, in turn, heighten anxiety.
Understanding this cycle made a big difference for me. Through Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT), I learned to reframe my perceptions of these sensations and to respond with greater calm and acceptance, breaking the anxiety loop.
In Conclusion Thank you for inviting me to share my experiences— it means a lot to be able to connect with you on this. Please know that you’re not alone in this journey. The progress you’ve already made is such a testament to your strength, and even when setbacks happen, they don’t erase how far you’ve come. Be kind to yourself as you navigate the challenges, and know that healing is a process, often with ups and downs.
Whenever you want to share more or simply talk about how you’re feeling, I’m here to listen and support you. Sending you warmth and encouragement!
anita
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.