Dear Peter:

Quotes from my journals right here on your thread, Jan 11-29, 2025:

“Early in childhood, maybe I was six, maybe younger, don’t remember, I placed myself on hold so to accommodate my mother’s needs, as I perceived those to be. My needs became strangers to myself. The first vow I made was to be a good girl, a good daughter, so that my mother will like me. I feel like a little girl now, the girl that was put on hold for so long, too long. The denied little girl is here, typing these words: “Here I Am!”

It is only recently that I understand and practice self- compassion in the place of harsh self- criticism. This shift is a new practice for me.

I felt too guilty to become an autonomous entity, too guilty to exist outside my mother. Now, I can call it emotional enmeshment, a psychological entrapment. I craved freedom from her for more than half a century. There in the home I grew up in, there was no ME. There was ONLY her. Feeling disconnected from myself and from others was my brand of living- dying. I didn’t really know what I wanted. Had a sense of aimlessness, as if I was drifting through life without direction or meaning.

Growing up, joy and excitement were muted, absent except for when daydreaming while listening to music when I was alone. This persistent sense of disconnection led to my experience of chronic anxiety, hopelessness, helplessness, physical fatigue and exhaustion on a regular basis.

Trying to fix others by excessive intellectual analysis has been an ineffective habit of mine for the longest time. People need to be given space for their emotions to breathe, so to speak, a quiet space that’s not afforded when being the recipients of noisy analyses.

I remember how difficult it was for me to make choices that were the simplest choices for other people to make, such as which flavor to choose in an ice-cream shop. I stood there in a state of analysis-paralysis because my emotions (including ice-cream flavor preference) were, like I said earlier, strangers to me.

What I understand (for the first time in my life!) is that there is a difference between healthy boundaries and unhealthy boundaries. Unhealthy boundaries are those that are based on a negative foundation, which is the ongoing, long-term emotional experience of hurt and anger. It is exhausting, and it keeps the person hurt and angry way after boundaries have been established, while the person is no longer in the situation where he/ she is disrespected or abused. It means a life filled with hurt and anger that no longer serve to establish boundaries because such have already been established.

Healthy boundaries are based on positive foundations such as self-respect, personal value, and emotional well-being, rather than negative emotions. So, what a person with healthy boundaries experiences on a long-term basis (after boundaries have been established and while they are maintained) is not hurt and anger, but self-respect and peace of mind. Ongoing, long-term, chronic hurt and anger hinder personal growth, while ongoing self-respect, self-esteem and peace of mind promote personal growth.

So, as I retell my story with the hurt and anger, with labels that maintain the hurt and anger, I hinder my personal growth. My true self is one that no longer lives under the dark cloud of hurt and anger, but one who sees the light come through and feels its warmth.

I am… I don’t have words to describe this newness of this in my mind and heart. It will take time to take it in further. Thank you is not saying enough.

Personally, I have been heavily obstructed by my past, living under a very dark cloud of past hurts, sadness and anger, jealousy and envy, a deep sense of injustice. There is no way to find light under a dark cloud (beyond a moment here, a moment there, moments far in between). Got to transcend my past, to rise above it. To experience the Eternal Now.

I was a prisoner of the same-old, same-old pain of my childhood+ for longer than half a century, frozen in place, minimal, a life suffocated by the fear of (the same childhood) pain. It’s as if I was waiting the whole time for the pain to go away so that I can stand up and dare to breathe. It never happened and I remained on the ground being stared down by the pain, so to speak, while what I needed was to stand up and look it in the eye.

Transcending the fear of pain long- term then is a shift from minimizing myself so to feel less pain => maximize myself so to better be able to endure pain and enjoy the consequence of such endurance: joy as a way of life.

This reminds me of the chest-opener positions of yoga- expanding the heart, the shoulders, the upper back, undoing the common hunching over (contracted) positions of sitting. There is a sensation of power when I do every morning. I now need to do more of it, more expansion, opening myself to the experience of life from the position of strength and hope.

By accepting both comfort and discomfort as integral parts of the human experience, individuals can develop greater resilience and emotional intelligence.

Generally, we live in the Eternal Realm and in the Temporal Realm. it is not possible to live, as humans, in one or the other. It’s about living in both.

My Hope now is to say YES to me being me, a person who is no longer primarily suppressed and repressed, but expressed according to the values I believe in (do-no-harm is one).

The tragedy that hit me and stayed persistently for decades, is the accusation that I was a bad person, and that I was a bad person from a time before I had a chance to have a say about it: a chance to correct any (what?) bad deeds. The accusation just fell from the skies (my mother= god) and crushed me for so very long.

Running through an imaginary field of green grass, the gentle sun above, a child running, falling, lying on the ground frozen in time for decades, then getting up, an older woman resuming the run across field of green grass. Perhaps briskly walking across, don’t think I can run, not like a child ca run. Too hard for my aging knees.

I think that this is what is making me a good person today: the desire and commitment to do-no-harm coupled with a desire and commitment to help- not for self-centered or selfish purposes but because of a sense of connection with other humans, as in: we are all in the same boat: when I help you, I help myself; when I help myself, I help you”.

anita

Dear anonymous:

Thank you so much for your kind words! I’m really glad the poem touched your heart.

It’s interesting how words can have such a different impact depending on their source. When they come from others, they often feel more genuine and inspiring. It’s a reminder of the power of kindness and the importance of supporting each other.

I’m grateful that you find value in the dedication I put into this page. Your appreciation means a lot to me. I’m here to read, communicate, and support in any way I can.

Take your time with the journey of self-compassion. With practice, you will become kinder and kinder to yourself. Kindness to yourself begins with allowing yourself to feel and express your emotions without judgment, accepting that it’s okay to have difficult emotions and understanding that every emotion carries a valid message in regard to what you need for your mental- emotional health.

Every emotion- while not needing to be acted upon impulsively or thoughtlessly- needs its rightful space within you, space to comfortably breathe, so to speak.

Looking forward to more meaningful exchanges with you!

anita

Dear Substantial:

Thank you for sharing more about your experiences. It’s clear that this relationship is bringing up significant anxiety and feelings of unmet needs for you. It’s good that you’ve communicated your needs to her in regard to your love language. Let’s she how she responds, if she does.

“I also want to say that having a bad childhood is not the only reason I am unhappy in the relationship, although your comment does seem to imply that. I think it is essential to consider how my girlfriend has been showing up in the relationship, too, which I find less than satisfactory”-

– I understand that having a difficult childhood is not the only factor contributing to your unhappiness in the relationship with your girlfriend. It’s important to consider both your childhood experiences and how your girlfriend is showing up in the relationship.

I want to emphasize that both aspects can be true simultaneously: your unmet needs from childhood affecting your expectations and experiences in the relationship, and at the same time, your girlfriend’s behavior being less than satisfactory and contributing to your unhappiness.

Today you shared about your father’s alcoholism and abusive behavior. Your mother endured a lot of emotional abuse and sometimes physical abuse, which you witnessed. This situation caused you (and would cause any child) to feel helpless and anxious on an ongoing basis.

To help your situation- in which you found yourself through no fault of your own- and reduce your consequent anxiety, you took on the parentified role of protecting your mother, taking on responsibilities that a child is not equipped to take, neither mentally nor emotionally.

While the aim in taking on adult’s responsibilities is to lower tension in the home and consequently, lower the child’s anxiety, the responsibility of continuously managing and mitigating household tension leads to increased anxiety on the part of the child because the child is continuously vigilant and prepared for the next conflict or outburst. This state of hyper-awareness keeps the child on edge, unable to relax.

While your parentified actions may have temporarily reduced immediate tension in the home, the long-term emotional burden of parentification increased your anxiety. The constant vigilance, overwhelming responsibility, and unresolved trauma of witnessing a lot of abuse contributed to your heightened anxiety, even as you tried to create a safer environment for your mother.

Also, while some of your mother’s intentions were for your well-being, her inability to accept your “NO” and passive forcefulness into things she deemed right might have led you to feel her love was conditional, at least at times.

Currently, as an adult, you choose to live with your parents. The dynamics and tensions in the home improved, but are still there, and you continue to protect and support your mother. Living with parents is common in your country, but your reasons are deeply tied to the emotional and physical safety of your mother.

You wrote today in regard to your current anxiety in the context of living with your parents: “While my anxiety has gotten significantly less regarding these family matters, it’s not entirely gone”. A few days ago, you wrote this in regard to your anxiety in the context of your relationship with your girlfriend: “I wake up every morning extremely anxious, and it’s been ruining my sleep”. Actually, the title of your thread includes the words “Relationship Anxiety”, referring to your relationship with your girlfriend-

– it is quite common for anxiety to shift from one context to another, especially when it has its roots in early life experiences and unresolved emotional issues. The anxiety rooted in early life experiences, such as living in an abusive or unstable household, can become ingrained in a person’s emotional and psychological makeup. If these issues are not adequately addressed and healed, they can resurface in different contexts, such as romantic relationships. When faced with similar emotional triggers in a new context, such as a romantic relationship, the old anxiety resurfaces.

Based on your description of your girlfriend, she does exhibit self-centered and selfish behaviors, at least to some extent.

This is the very beginning of your original post: “I find my gf too self-centered. I don’t know how to feel about that. It seems as if she hesitates to go out of her way to do anything for me or will choose the most convenient path to please or be there for me. On the other hand, I find myself making compromises a lot to be there for her or to please her. So much so that I am completely losing myself in this relationship”-

– integrating this quote with what you shared in your 2nd post, it seems like the dynamics of your romantic relationship are mirroring the dynamics you have experienced in your relationship with your mother. This pattern can be a trigger and lead to similar feelings of anxiety, self-sacrifice, and emotional neglect.

* It’s important to recognize that people can exhibit complex and sometimes contradictory behaviors. An abused wife, like your mother, can still display self-centered or selfish behaviors, even if she is also a victim of abuse: (1) she chose to stay in an abusive relationship partly due to her fear of societal judgment and the stigma of divorce. This decision, while understandable, prioritized her fears over her son’s need for a safer and more stable environment. (2) Her emotional and financial dependence on her husband, despite his abusive behavior, might have led her to prioritize her need for his presence over her son’s well-being. (3) She struggles to accept her son’s/ your “NO” and would passively force you into things she thought were right for you and her. This behavior suggests a lack of consideration for your autonomy and preferences. By not respecting your boundaries and pushing you into actions she deemed appropriate, she exerted control over you, prioritizing her desires over your independence. (4) By not seeking external help or considering separation, she indirectly forced you to bear the emotional weight of the family’s dysfunction, prioritizing her comfort over your emotional health.

In summary: while your mother was undoubtedly a victim of abuse and faced significant challenges, her actions and decisions also exhibited self-centeredness and selfishness as she prioritized her own needs and fears, often at the expense of considering your need for safety and emotional well-being. Similarly, your girlfriend is self-centered, hesitating to go out of her way to support you and often choosing the most convenient path for herself.

As a child and onward, you felt compelled to prioritize your mother’s needs, trying to protect her and manage the household tension. As an adult, in your romantic relationship, you find yourself making numerous compromises to please your girlfriend, to the point of losing yourself in the relationship.

The self-centered behavior of your girlfriend likely triggers similar emotions and anxieties that you experienced in your childhood with your mother.

People often unconsciously seek out relationships that mirror their early experiences, even if those experiences were negative. This repetition compulsion happens because these patterns feel familiar, even if they are harmful. Recognizing that these patterns exist is a crucial first step. Understanding that your romantic relationship is triggering similar dynamics to those you experienced with your mother can provide valuable insight.

Remember, you deserve a relationship where both partners feel loved, supported, and respected. I’m here for you if you want to talk more about this.

anita

Dear devin:

Indeed, like Jana said, we need more context. Your original post is only 4 sentences long. Yet, in this reply (my 2nd) I want to get the most out of the little you shared:

“I feel like I’m just kind of a need freak and that I shouldn’t be like this.”- this term, “need freak” reflects your feeling that you need more emotional support and validation than your partners provide.

Characteristics of a “Need Freak”: frequently seeking reassurance from partners about their love and commitment, being particularly sensitive to perceived signs of neglect or disinterest and putting in a lot of effort to maintain and nurture the relationship, often going above and beyond to show care and love.

Certain childhood experiences lead to these characteristics. Here are a few possibilities:

1. Inconsistent or unpredictable love and attention from your caregivers can lead a heightened need for reassurance in your romantic relationships. Examples of inconsistent and unpredictable love and attention from caregivers: (1) a caregiver who is emotionally available and supportive at times but withdraws or is emotionally absent at other times without any clear reason, (2) a caregiver who exhibits unpredictable mood swings, sometimes showing love and affection, and other times responding with anger or indifference, (3) a caregiver who is physically present and engaged with the child at times but frequently absent due to work, personal issues, or other reasons, (4) a caregiver who sends mixed messages by saying they love the child but behaving in ways that feel neglectful or harmful.

Such experiences, over time, lead to feelings of insecurity, confusion, and anxiety in the child. The child (and adult child) may develop a heightened need for reassurance and validation in relationships, seeking to fill the gaps left by the inconsistent caregiving. The fear of being rejected or abandoned can lead one to working extra hard to please others, going to great lengths to avoid any sign of disapproval, giving more than received, and tolerating neglectful behavior to avoid conflict.

Back to possibilities of childhoods that create a “need freak”:

2. Emotional neglect: the child’s feelings and needs were not acknowledged.

3. Conditional approval: if you received love and approval only when you met certain conditions (e.g., achieving high grades or behaving perfectly), you might feel the need to constantly prove herself in your relationships. This can lead to tying your self-worth to how much you do for others, making you feel that you need to earn love and affection.

Being a “need freak” in a romantic relationship can have several consequences for both partners. Here are some potential impacts on the romantic partner: (1) The partner might feel pressured to constantly provide reassurance and validation, which is emotionally draining. They might feel overwhelmed by the constant need to meet the emotional demands of their partner.

2. When the relationship is imbalanced, with one partner giving significantly more than the other, the partner who gives less may feel guilt. They may feel that their efforts are never enough, which can create a sense of burden, and consequently: resentment.

3. The partner might feel that their personal space and independence are being invaded. This can lead to feelings of suffocation and a desire for more distance: if one partner constantly wants to check in, send messages, or call to seek reassurance, the other partner might feel like they don’t have enough downtime to themselves or to engage in their own activities. Feeling pressured to always respond immediately and appropriately to their partner’s emotional needs can create stress and exhaustion. The partner might feel like they have less time, energy or freedom to engage in their own hobbies, interests, or social activities, feeling that they have to sacrifice their personal goals or plans to accommodate their partner’s needs.

Constantly providing emotional support without adequate personal space lead to emotional burnout and resentment towards their significant other for demanding so much of their time and energy. As a result, the partner might feel the need to create physical or emotional distance to regain their sense of independence. They might withdraw emotionally or physically, spending less time with their partner or becoming less communicative.

Moving forward in a situation like this requires open communication where both partners openly discuss their needs for personal space and reassurance, finding a balance that works for both. Understanding and empathizing with each other’s perspectives can help mitigate feelings of suffocation, and establishing and respecting healthy boundaries is crucial for maintaining a balanced relationship.

Both partners should agree on boundaries that allow for personal space and independence while maintaining emotional connection, encouraging each other to pursue individual interests and personal growth. Being supportive of each other’s need for personal space can strengthen the relationship in the long run.

Is this somewhat helpful to you, devin?

anita

Hoping you are well, Clara..?

anita

I hope you are well, Tom..?

anita

How are you, Dafne?

anita