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I thought it was time I came and gave you an update. I am finally getting to the anger stage and am feeling like I am finally beginning to move on from my narcissistic, abusive ex. I would be moving on much quicker if he didn’t owe me any money still. Still not had any back. We have discussed it on the phone and more recently by email and text. He is still manipulating this situation and knows exactly what to say to me to make me feel bad for him :/ How do they do that?
We are not friends on facebook any more, he deleted me before I got there first, I wanted to wait till the due date for some money; I think this is the exact reason he has deleted me though. I am glad we are no longer friends though. I have joined a gym and am meeting lots of new people, and feeling much more positive about the future. I am still seeing my counsellor because I still need to figure out why I keep choosing the wrong guys.
Thank you all for your support! It has helped immensely! I may update again soon. Thanks again!
I felt I had to write to you. I was with my ex for just short of a year. He too was emotionally abusive and controlling towards me. He did it in such a way that, at the time it didn’t ever feel bad. When we split up I started seeing a counsellor and it took around 6 weeks before I realised he emotionally abused me and attempted to control me. Ive also realised that he is a narcissist. I do not know if your ex fits this bill but narcissists do not know how to accept and love themselves and are therefore incapable of loving someone else. They can do a very good impression of it though and even believe themselves. They always have to be and have the best and you must fit that ‘ideal’. When you don’t they find a new ‘supply source’. Despite this, my ex showed me more love and affection than any previous boyfriend had and I really believed we had a future. His abuse and control was so cleverly disguised as ‘love’ and having my best interests at heart that the good, fun, loving times shone through. These ‘highs’ are our rewards and it is those rewards that we miss. I am now finally beginning to realise that I can and will find someone much better than him, the kind of guy I deserve, the love I deserve. Even though I am about to turn 40, which is scary, I know things are only going to get better. They will for you too! Keep strong! I found when I had weak moments and wanted to talk or text him I would contact a friend instead and they would very quickly remind me of his bad points. I wish I had had the strength like you to finish our relationship, he finished with me though after meeting his new ‘supply source’ and trying very hard to push me to ending our relationship, but I didn’t. I am beginning to be back in control now. Stay strong, there is definitely better out there for us!
As someone who has just come out of a long term relationship, an emotionally abusive one at that; I would definitely say to you to listen to your gut!!! I didnt listen to mine. It was constantly telling me that things were not right even though I loved him and besides the emotional abuse he also showed me the love and affection I wanted. He was always a bit ‘weird’ with his social media though. It took him 2 months before he would accept me as a friend after we met, then he would never, ever acknowledge he was with me anywhere, never tagging me or mentioning me and in the year we were together he only ever put 2 photos up of us together (I’m not sure if he limited the audience of these). I did question him about this, and we had a number of arguments. He would agree if it upset me then he would put more on of us, but he never did. My gut told me this wasnt right but I ignored it. I ignored all the control and emotional abuse too :(, or rather I didnt ignore it, I just didnt recognise it. It was 6 weeks after breaking up before I realised the abuse he put me through and that was only because I began to see a counsellor. Im not saying your boyfriend is abusive but he is manipulating this situation and if you dont like what he is doing and it doesnt sit right with you then you need to take whatever steps you feel are necessary to protect you from being hurt more. Good luck.
Thank you so much for continueing to comment, advise and share all your thoughts with me.
Eliana, it is possible what you say is true but knowing him the way I did I do not believe this is what happened. Not directly any way. I do think though that via the internet he was contacted by an ex girlfriend (a married one). I have no evidence to support this but a lot of things are definitely pointing in that direction.
Amber, thank you for sharing that information with me about your ex and that you got out. Well done! It certainly does make it harder to deal with the break up and realisation that it was an abusive relationship. Its by far the hardest break up Ive ever been through. Some people wouldnt understand this because why would you find it harder to be apart from your abuser? But they manipulate you to an extent where their affections become your drug. They bring you down then lift you up so high, you crave the highs. These highs release the same chemicals in your brain as a drug can. Hence you become addicted to him. I am craving those highs and wonder if they will ever stop. We have recently spoken on the phone about the money he owes but as yet I havent received any. I wont be letting it go, its too much to just let go. You were right, he did manipulate the whole call and I came off the phone feeling guilty and sorry for him 🙁 . He’s still promising to pay me…
Anita, thanks for letting me know you could see my previous posts. As I said in the last one, I am soon going to be moving to the same city as him and it petrifies me in some ways, but I know that ultimately it is going to be the right thing for me in the long term. I just have to take the plunge and the risk and go for it.
I am still seeing the counsellor. I spend most sessions in tears, it does feel like it will help me in the long run though.
Thanks all! Will keep you posted!
I’m concerned that no one is seeing my last 2 posts directly above your last one above??
My counsellor is helping me get there, we are a long way off yet though. At least I acknowledge his emotional abuse now, though thats been very difficult to come to terms with. In the beginning I thought I did or said something wrong, or didnt do or say enough. I couldnt understand it because I did everything I could for him.
Can you all see my last 2 posts? Dated 30/7 and then early today 3/8.
I haven’t heard anything since my last post and am keen to hear peoples thoughts.
I text him last week to ask if he wanted me to drop off something he had left at mine. He replied straight away saying ‘Thanks but he wasn’t going to be home that day.’ He also mentioned that he would send me some money once he ‘had worked out how much he had spare.’ I didn’t say anything about the money as that was not why I contacted him. We agreed that I would drop the item off on his doorstep (it wasn’t valuable). That is what I did. We haven’t spoken since and he was supposed to send me some money on Monday, he hasn’t. So I guess I will have to text him to ask where it is.
I am now having some good days, the bad days still come and hit me hard. I nearly had a panic attack whilst shopping with my mum the other day, just because he always came clothes shopping with me and gave me his opinion on the clothes I tried on. Usually I didn’t end up buying anything cos he didn’t think they suited me and he wanted to always shop at the designer shops, which I (nor he) could afford.
Any other opinions/advice, based on what Ive written here and above too?
Thank you all so much for your replies. Every one has given me a bit more strength. I haven’t been on this forum for a while because I needed to come to terms with some things that have really only just come to light, after speaking with my counsellor and friends who have been in similar situations. My ex is a narcissist and he emotionally abused me. I am not throwing that comment around lightly believe me, in fact despite him fitting the description in every way, I am still in denial and cant believe the man I fell in love with and stupidly still miss, love and want did these things to me. I am angry with myself for not realising it sooner or doing anything about it, and still wanting him!!?? Looking back I can see how he manipulated situations, took control of many parts of my life and became angry at me, chastising me in public when I didn’t live up to his expectations. He was never physically violent towards me, I do not believe he ever would have been. I can still see so much good in him despite everything :/ He used my finances for his own benefit, he even borrowed money from me when I wasn’t working and he was, I knew he had debts, but every time he made me think he would have some money he said ‘he had to pay the tax man a few thousand’ so me getting any back was unlikely. He would then give me some only to ask for part or all of it back a week or so later. I always complied because I loved him and had no reason to disbelieve his need for money or that he’d pay me back. He was living with me. He did give me some money but has left still owing me a lot. Before he moved out I got him to sign a paper which stated exactly what he owed and when he had to pay it back. I am yet to see if I get any back…
Why despite all the above why do I still love/care for him and just want to hear from him? I know if he text or called me now that my heart would skip a thousand beats, but being the stubborn girl I am, I wouldn’t just roll over and take him back like nothing happened. But I would take him back. I’m also quite nervous because in a month I will be moving to the same city as him. I am not moving there because of him. I met him in this city, as I only live 30 mins away, and ever since I was about 18 I have wanted to live there. An opportunity has come up for me there so I am taking it but I am so, so scared of bumping into him with another woman, being all love struck like he was with me. I’m trying not to worry about it too much, who knows maybe he will be the one to see me all love struck with someone else but I cant move on from this so easily and I think he already has. Yes I could avoid the places he goes to but they are the places I like going and where people my age go. I am not sure how I will handle this situation. I just hope to meet new people and therefore new places. Maybe I’m over thinking it all.
I am also realising like Eliana says, that I am a ‘co-dependent’ and I can see this behaviour in me in my past relationships. The counsellor is helping me get to the bottom of this but we are a long way off yet.
Thank you all! Ace
I have the same problem. My emotionally abusive partner broke up with me just over a month ago and though I am learning everyday how bad he did actually treat me I wake up early hours of every morning missing him, missing the good times we did have, missing the person I thought he was, missing the cuddles. Since he left my body has been like its own little alarm clock, waking me up at the same time everyday. At first I would look at the clock and lay awake thinking and analysing over everything and what he was doing, who he was with. Now when I wake up in the early hours, I don’t even look at the time because I know what time it is, but I accept that I have woken up and reject all thoughts of him in the best way I can. Sometimes it takes me longer than other times but generally I do fall back to sleep. The problem is though that I am emotionally and mentally exhausted everyday. All I want to do is stay in bed and sleep because it doesn’t hurt when I sleep. Good luck.
Thank you so much for your honest reply. He said some of these types of comments to me in the very early days of our relationship, saying he loved me any way so it didn’t matter. We went on to have the relationship. Every now and again hearing these kind of comments, like I say always ‘packaged with love’. I am not justifying his comments, I know they were wrong. May be I should add (not that it matters) but I am a UK size 10. But even though I know this I still ache with pain and love for him. I have panic attacks and don’t feel like I can function properly without him. Pathetic I know. I want to stop feeling like this and the only way I can imagine feeling better is by getting him back, some how…
Thank you so much for all your comments. They are helping.
Eliana, thank you for your reply. I know I need to try and focus on myself. Its just so hard when all my thoughts are consumed by him.
Anita in response to your question about the things he said and shouldn’t; he would say to me that ‘I had big hips and a funny shape so shouldn’t wear certain style clothes’, ‘That he didn’t want to look/see my stomach,’ and other comments too. He wrapped them all up with loving comments and gestures so I never really felt they were offensive or attacking, more like he had my best interests at heart and it was constructive criticism. He wasn’t all bad though, he could be so loving and kind and caring and its that person that I miss so very much. I miss everything about him except the belittling. Yes after him putting me down that 2 weeks after finishing our relationship I went on Tinder and that he would never go on there. Last Sunday (which would have been our anniversary) I had been on for about 30 seconds when he appeared. Ive deleted my whole profile on there now and want to concentrate on myself, I cant bare seeing him on there either.
Connie, I am definitely thinking twice about contacting him. I haven’t yet, don’t know if I will hold off or for how long. I know it should be him seeking me out but I feel that he needs to know the door is open :/
I really appreciate everyones advice and am taking it on board. Its all just so hard. ACE
I am going through a very similar situation at the moment; I have also reached out on here, you can read what I wrote under ‘Relationships – Do I fight or should he?’ I love my ex so much and despite recognising that he didn’t treat me right its so hard to let go of the good times and the good in him that I loved and still do. Where Connie wrote ‘Sometimes we love them too much to let go and overlook the importance of happiness. Do you think you are happy in this relationship/situation?’ This has really resonated with me because its true. I do love him so much and despite the fact I knew (especially towards the end) that he wasn’t making me happy I still even now want him back. He has hurt me so much. I haven’t contacted him since he moved out but I am close to breaking that. Maybe we can help each other through this. Hugs. ACE
Thanks for your reply. Had he been on Tinder before I would have seen him the last time I was on. He wasn’t, it is quite possible his friend was on Tinder when I was and saw me. I actually think an ex got in touch with him and that was what the whole phone hiding thing was, I also think he gambled. I am beginning to realise that he did probably mentally abuse me in many ways. I am so hurt right now and despite everything I still feel like I want him back and miss him and the good times we had. I have now deleted my Tinder profile completely, I realised that I have no business being on there until I have moved past this. I so want to reach out to him that all this and the way I am feeling is consuming me. I know I deserve better but long for the guy in my ex that I fell in love with, the guy who did show me love and care and commitment, though I know the bad part of him is still him. 🙁
I also want to add that it scares the hell out of me that I am soon hitting 40 and I am nowhere near having the life/relationship I always thought I’d have.