Hi Allison,

It is often the case in life that we outgrow our friends, particularly if you’re the sort of person who seeks to develop themselves (since you’re on this blog I take it that you are such a person). I’ve read how certain people will not like the fact you may be growing because it doesn’t suit them. It is important to let go of such people, otherwise they will hold you back.

Think about it, why would you want to spend any time around someone who doesn’t really respect or care about you? I remember my friend telling me when I asked him how he became such a confident person, that he found friends who made him feel good just being around them. The right friends will empower you and support your growth.

Yes, if you’re lucky enough you may have a few long term friends that you always stay connected to, but I’ve personally found that pretty much all of my friends have changed over time, and to me this only makes sense. We grow, we change, surely it’s only natural that this will mean friends too? I remember talking to an old female friend of the family who is a real woman of the world who seemed to agree with this idea of letting go of the past, which often includes things assocated with that past such as friends and associations.

On a last note, let go of the idea that you need to have a ‘long term’ friend, I think that’s an attachment that will hold you back. Forget what you think most people have, that doesn’t matter. Also, don’t even waste your energy thinking about what others may think or say, none of this matters!

What will I do about the people who will think that I cant keep any friends? Nothing, you don’t control other people, they will think what they want to think. Those who are worth knowing are the ones who won’t think badly of you. What if she spreads all of my secrets and goes around and tells everyone we grew up with things about me? Again, nothing. The simple logic is, you don’t control others so there’s no point wasting your energy worrying about such things. Most things we worry about never happen anyway. And if they do, then you’ll just deal with it, it won’t kill you.

Good luck,

Ben.

The advice above sounds good but is not practical unless you catch yourself exactly at the instant of the offending event and can be mindful enough to choose not to let something bother you.

Once anger is inside you it’s different. This has worked for me when I’ve been fuming: find somewhere like a spot in a park where there are no other people (to avoid being carted away in a white van) and scream your lungs out. Let all that emotion well up inside you and release it like a volcano. After all it’s just energy, so you just need to find a way to vent it. A short burst of running at full speed until I feel like I’ve spent all that energy has also been good for me, anything where you just use that energy up/vent it.

Obviously it’s best to discover why we get angry in the first place and try to prevent it in the future, but once it’s already inside you then it’s well known that suppressing it is bad for your health, you need to find an outlet as you say.

@ The Ruminant and Anyone:

Hello, I strongly empathise with your points. Many problems that I read about in these forums, particularly relationship ones, are due to unhealthy boundaries. For me there is a fine line between kindness and being an archetypal ‘nice guy’. Some people are nice (I include myself here, recovering) out of not wanting to rock the boat, to avoid conflict, to please others, which is caused by insecurity. I believe this is why there is a misconception amongst some that being kind is somehow a sign of weakness. I started to think this way too until I realised that true kindness actually requires great strength and comes from a position of integrity. It comes from recognising a need for kindness and giving it for this reason. So actually I don’t think there has to be a disharmony between being kind and having good boundaries. But you need to establish good boundaries first of course in order to be kind.

Particularly with respect to your comments Anyone: I think it’s important to try to achieve a balance here, if you’re kind to everyone all the time you get walked on, but if you’re not kind at all you will act coldly and feel cut off from my experience, I’ve tried both.

@ Priscilla: I think I can understand why this happens. You are clearly a very sensitive and empathic person, so much so that you are able to tune into other people’s energy. In the situations you describe these people have clearly had a lot of negative energy about them at that point in time and you have felt it, not only have you felt it but actually experienced it inside, with them, like you are part of them. Experiences which evoke strong feelings in you will inevitably be vividly remembered, e.g. first romantic experience.

There is some good advice above. I think learning about personal boundaries may help you. Also, I think a big part of the solution is to to avoid getting emotionally caught up in negative situations like this in the first place. Meditation would help here because you will develop the mindfulness to recognise when you start getting involved in these situations. Then, just as in meditation as you train your mind to drop thoughts and focus on what you want it to focus on, so in you daily life with this newly acquired mental strength will you be able to choose to redirect your thoughts onto something wholesome after you have noticed yourself getting involved emotionally. I have found in my own life that these are two of the most useful products of meditation, i.e. mindfulness (i.e. awareness) and secondly the mental strength to be able to stop thinking thoughts that aren’t serving me and switch to better thoughts. Your feelings come from your thoughts remember.

Hi Kelly,

Give him space. Meaning don’t talk to him, sent him messages, anything, for a while. I know that it is really difficult when all your instincts tell you to do otherwise, but I think you’ll just be pushing him further away with all your efforts. You’ve already tried this anyway and it hasn’t worked so far, most people in this situation, when something doesn’t work, think that trying even harder is the answer, but that just creates more resistance.

Once he has space then if he wants to continue seeing you then he will, if he doesn’t he won’t, as harsh as that may sound. But you can’t force him to feel differently, and the more you try to make him move in a certain way the less he will want to go that way, it’s counter-productive, so that’s why I think the best thing to do right now is to give him space.

Ben.

Hi Geo,

It is essential for your own happiness and sense of purpose in life to not let others (no matter who they are) dictate your way in life. This is a personal boundary issue. When we’re children our boundaries are joined with those of our families and that is necessary for growth at first. But the natural (and healthy) evolution of these boundaries is that as the child grows it forms its own bondary, which eventually as you become an adult (I’d say 16ish) buds off forming a separate, independent boundary. This boundary contains all your inner resources (e.g. decision making). What you’re describing is in boundary terms like a child (which is why it feels that way) because it’s as though you haven’t broken off from your parents yet. You are allowing your parents to reach inside your boundary and take control of your decision making.

I know it’s hard but the only way out of this is to assert your boundary, this means learning to say no and to make decisions based on what you feel is right for you.

The thing is, all those decisions that your mum has made for you are based on the logical choice in terms of what would be right for her. The thing is YOU ARE NOT YOUR MUM. So it is very unlikely that it will be right for you too. I know it’s difficult and it’s easy to get angry at them because of this, (I’ve had related things to deal with with my own parents), but the thing to remember is that they are only acting that way out of their own ignorance (we all have things we are ignorant of), they see the world a certain way and BELIEVE that they know what is best for you. They are seeing the world through their own spectacles that are tinted, so won’t understand you if you act differently to this. This is why you would be wasting your time explaining yourself too, they just won’t be able to get there head around it, unless they were to take the spectacles off, but that takes a lot of time and inner work. Read the articles on here and you will see start to get a glimpse of life without the spectacles.

You are keeping yourself prisoner, only you can decide that you are not going to permit your parents to take control of you anymore. Learn what it means to be assertive, study it, practice it. It doesn’t mean you have to be nasty or hurtful. I strongly recommend you read a book called Pulling Your Own Strings by Wayne Dyer, it’s the best book I’ve come across on this subject, and will open your eyes in a big way I think.

Hi Lenne,

I can empathise with all that you have said and believe I can offer some helpful advice. I just created a blog the other week and my opening post (one paragraph long) addresses your problem about whether to do the course or not http://benwardzinski.blogspot.co.uk/2014/01/trial-and-error-to-find-your-purpose.html. What has happened is you started ANALYSING. Generally this messes everything up because it creates so much turmoil in your head you lack the clarity to see the best decision to make. So, learn to stop analysing. Your mind is capable of rationalising almost anything (even making immoral decisions in life sometimes), I’m sure you could argue logically either way whether to do your course or not, that’s why it’s no way to make a decision. Sure logical thinking has it’s place, but I find most of the time it creates a block.

When you just decide like you said “on impulse”, from what I’ve read and believe it is very important to follow this. You’ve simply blocked yourself by bringing in your thinking mind. This is one of the main purposes of meditation, to drop the thinking mind, which leads to a calm mind, and from a calm mind comes clarity – to see the right thing to do. As soon as you start analysing, and it’s so easy to do because it seems like what you need to do to come to a decision, but in fact the more analysing you do the further you move away from being in a good state to make the best decision. It’s one of those strange paradoxes. Those impulse decisions come from your subconcious mind (which is far more powerful than your conscious thinking mind). It has access to way more information than your thinking mind (and it’s quiet voice is very easily drwoned out by the noise created by the thinking mind), some would say it has access to higher wisdom also. The thing is, it is beyond your comprehension to work out all the causes and effects taking the course might have on your life, that if anything is justification enought not to base such decions on the thinking mind. For example, I read recently a commemmoration speech given by the late Steve Jobbs of Apple. In it he said how before he had found what he was looking and after just quitting his degree that he just decided to take classes that he felt interested in/drawn to, and one of these was calligraphy. He said, I paraphrase, “What practical use could calligraphy possibly be to me” (again logical mind), but he did it anyway. Later on his study of calligraphy had a major influence on his development of the typeface used in Apple computers. I’m not saying that this course could have such an impact on your own life but I hope you see the point I’m trying to make of the importance of following your gut.

I practice the martial art of Aikido (which means ‘the way to harmony with the universe’). The correct way to do technique reflects surprisingly accurately the way to live life. When you said, “Every single day, I think about what I like and what I want out of life and every single day I come up with little”, I used to do (and sometimes still do) just this. You’re really striving hard for the answers, and I’m betting it causes you a fair amount of frustration and suffering right, and gets you nowhere? It’s like you’re trying to force life, you want the answers, you want to know what to do now! Aikido teaches you to STOP STRIVING. Don’t get me wrong, this doesn’t mean you should make no effort in life, the difference is subtle. Sometimes in Aikido someone comes to attack me and I throw them and it feels like I didn’t do anything, It’s almost effortless. I’ve been told at these times that this was because I did the technique correct (i.e. having the correct principles in mind and body). This is a direct reflection of how to live life. When you try too hard to throw someone it just doesn’t work, it creates resistance. If you try and try to work out what you should do it’s the same thing, it’s having a ‘fighting mind’, it’s trying to push life, it creates resistance. to quote Wayne Dyer, “you can’t solve a problem with the same mind that created it”. This is what I’ve been taught in Aikido. Most people, when they meet problems they crash imto them and burn a lot of energy trying to force it there way. In Aikido, when you meet a problem, you relax, the tougher the problem the more relaxed you become (again paradox). When you are relaxed you mind is calm which allows you to FEEL your way to the solution. It’s the way of non-resistance and it’s a whole lot easier than how most people deal with problems. The Way is soft and gentle and relaxed, you go with the flow. It’s not suffering and burning your energy up.

I can really empathise with you not really caring about getting a ‘real job’. I used to feel just that way. I had no idea what I wanted to do and would just be faking it if I tried to be enthusiasistic applying for most jobs. You sound like you’re kind of in ‘no man’s land’ at the moment’. With Aikido still in mind, I’d say embrace it, relax into it and accept it firstly. Second, make yourself positive, focus on the positives that your current situation and job gives. I think you are actually in a very good position. The fact that you do have a job gives you certain freedoms: money to start exploring what you feel like exploring. By the sounds of it your job isn’t too committing so you have the flexibility to move to something more fulfilling (if necessary) when the time comes. I think it is very important first though to drop any negativity about you current job by focusing on the positive in order to be able to stay positive so that you move forward positively. Otherwise you’ll lkely try to change your circumstances and just end up in a similar or worse situation. This will take time so will require much patience. There will also be times when you slip up so perseverance is also essential to dust yourself off and get back on track.

Good luck! Whatever you do keep going!

Ben.

Hi Penni,

I’ve experienced similar feelings of intolerance towards others due to their negative habits etc. I personally found that I needed to work on my acceptance of others, at being more compassionate. The main tool I used for this, which has helped quite a lot was Loving Kindness Meditation, which is a type of meditation practiced by certain schools of Buddhism. I think a more general form of meditation might be better for just calming your mind (which gives inner peace), such as focusing on your breath as you just breathe normally. I think in theory you shouldn’t fall asleep if you maintain concentration on the breath, and if you do don’t worry about it, the main thing about meditation is persistence and practice. There are other ways to calm the mind but if I were forced to choose just one it would be meditation, it’s surely the most powerful method. But I have found it important to try to stay mindful throughout the day because if you don’t and you let your mind run away with you then you end up with your head in complete turmoil and it’s extremely difficult to meditate. Of course you have to set aside some time daily say 30min to be by yourself in a quiet place. Maybe get up 30min earlier before everyone else is up? Think of it this way if you’re concerned about being selfish, isn’t it better for others if you are more peaceful and loving when they’re around you, this can only happen if you take the time to do some self-loving first, i.e. meditation, which is self-nurturting in itself. You have to look after number 1 first, you can’t give what you don’t have.

I’m not qualified to give advice here, but I do know that if you try to suppress emotions then they will find another outlet (possibly anger towards others?). I agree not to let any loss break you down, but expression of emotion is necessary to be healthy, i.e. a balance. Maybe this is how you’ve actually dealt with it though and you simply mean you haven’t broken down…

Hi Bruce,

You remind me so much of myself. I’ve been there and done that a few times I can tell you and so have many many other guys so don’t worry about it. It’s something that seems to happen more easily when you’re a sensitive guy because we are more liable to become infatuated (note: NOT love, google infatuation vs love and see which one applied for you) and to give up our power to a woman – both of which are personal boundary problems. You seem like a pretty bright guy so I think you’ll be able to understand well enough to overcome this.

I have been there and overcome it (most of the time!) myself, we can all slip up occasionally though, and you know when you have, when you cross yourself, because you feel exactly as you’ve described. I’ve learned to ALWAYS put your own self-respect first, above everything. Sometimes this can be extremely hard and counter-intuitive. The funny thing is that when you do this it magnetises the woman you’re with towards you, not doing this has the opposite effect, and it’s very clear. It’s like they can feel your strength, your integrity, and it’s very attractive. The thing you said above: “YOU let me get away with way too much” demonstrates this perfectly, it speaks the truth. Nowadays, when women make demands of me which could compromise me in any way or which I plain just don’t want to do, I say no, they have often then gotten angry or upset, which I remain indifferent to and they then end up later on wanting to see me even more! Don’t misunderstand though, what I’m talking about is quite subtle, I’m not mean to women, when I say upset I mean in a tantrum-like way because I’m not letting them have it all their way. What I’m talking about is having utmost integrity and a solid personal boundary, communicating very clearly, yes that is OK, no that is out of order, I expect better.

I have gotten very much involved in spiritual wisdom myself and I need to highlight one of the potential pitfalls, and it’s to do with kindness. It’s very easy in situations with women, I know because I’ve done it, to end up being too nice and overly accommodating, thinking that you’re just showing how much you care. The problem is that this is caused by neediness (again boundary) and drives women (and men) away. True kindness comes from a position of integrity and strength, from recognising that there is a need for kindness, so it’s really about what’s driving it.

I should mention, a lot of what I’m talking about here is wisdom from the dating guru David DeAngelo. What he teaches is really about being a mature, masculine man. He explains well the importance of keeping your own power and about personal boundaries. Your self esteem is protected by your boundary. He explains that ‘holes’ in your boundary allow people to reach inside and steel your ‘psychological gold’, e.g. self respect. You have to learn to patch the holes up so that you don’t let women take any of your gold away ever again. I can recommend at least signing up to his mailing list. It may help you get the balance right between giving and knowing when to say no, and teach you a lot of other very helpful stuff too.