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AikiBen

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  • AikiBen
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    Hi Trevor,

    Although certain therapies do look at parent-child relationships as a way to explain current feelings etc, I´m not sure it is useful at all to spend too much time thinking about it. Even if you do come up with a rational explanation for your feelings, it won´t actually change anything. All the real answers are in yourself, that´s what I´ve found, and it can take years to find those answers, but if you don´t start looking then you won´t find them. I can tell you it´s more than worth it to look, you just have to be patient and persistent.

    I think many men can probably relate to you to some degree. Younger Women tend to be more fun and carefree which is very attractive. But, don´t be saddened, there are more mature women who still carry that youthful zest, they are just rarer. The thing is these younger women would likely not really satisfy you once you really got to know them because of the maturity gap, i.e. lacking substance maybe.

    The other thing I´ve noticed in myself and others is that our first proper romantic experience can leave in it´s wake a whole load of attachment. You may find that you are drawn to a woman who looks similar (body/face/race/age). At some level you have it in your system that this sort of woman would satisfy you. It´s nothing to be guilty at all about. It´s perfectly natural to develop strong attachment in this area. I´m afraid that most people (e.g. parents) don´t understand themselves well enough and the nature of the mind to empathise or give good advice.

    The only way from my experience to free yourself from this sort of thing is to go after what you want. Go and date a woman a few years younger than you, there´s nothing wrong with that. Once you get it you´ll realise it´s no big deal. In fact, your desire for a relationship will not even be satisfied by having a relationship. That´s the way of all external desires. You desire it, then get it, then realise you´re still not really satisfied. Then you desire the next thing. But until you come to really know that, you have to keep chasing the desires, it´s not enough to just believe this though. The way to free yourself from any desire is to see that it will not actually satisfy you, but you have to see it very clearly indeed/have experienced it, you can´t pretend. Desire is an incredible illusion that promises satisfaction, but it´s a false promise.

    All the best,

    Ben.

    in reply to: Resistence to the Light #92359
    AikiBen
    Participant

    Hi Glo,

    The advice from Anita is good. I’d like to say a little more. The first thing, and perhaps the most important, to address your initial problem, something I learned only a few days ago, is to send love to those negative thoughts when they come, love them. They talk about sending love in response to hate because it “casteth out all darkness”, the same law applies within yourself too. You just have to try to catch it as soon as you can and respond with love, then stay in love mode as best you can, no need for any analysis of the negative thought, don’t try to get rid of it, that is just resistance resisting resistance, and what do you get- more resistance, so just love.

    Another thing I’d like to say is they say that the universe burdens you only with what you can handle. It sounds like you did very well digging yourself out of the hole you were in. Well, now the universe has given you another opportunity to lift yourself even further into the light. I’m noticing this happen in my life frequently lately, as you grow you will often be faced with more ‘bad’ stuff in order to bring you to even deeper letting go. It’s natural to fall and to then beat yourself up (because the ego sees the progress you’ve made so how can you fall now!), just send love to that too. Also, it happens that the bitterness towards yourself from beating yourself up can be so intense that you end up firing it outwards towards others like when you said you seemed to be jealous of his attitude. Congratulations for being so open and honest for saying how you felt, I don’t think that’s something to regret, I’m sure if your boyfriend has the strength to be positive at this difficult time then he will be able to help you grow too. It all seems perfect from where I am (forgive me for saying so, I have no idea how difficult it must be). What I mean is that, I can see the perfection in all of it. Him coming to you at a point when you were ready to let more love into your life and to be more loving. It seems to me that the darkness is always given as a gift, which holds the potential to bring you to a place of more light, more love, more joy, if you would embrace it’s challenge. You have again been given this challenge.

    Lastly, I would say do not condemn the cancer, because it’s part of his path. It sounds like it could be the catalyst for extraordinary growth for him, not to mention for you too. Just like you said, loving is what you are here to do, you are being called now to bring it to a higher level.

    Best wishes,

    Ben.

    AikiBen
    Participant

    Hi Laure,

    I have found in the past that the people who I feel a magnetic attraction towards are those who are what I call complementary opposites to myself. They are complementary in terms of views/beliefs/outlook on life (what I’d loosely call conscience), but are opposite in terms of their psychology, e.g. introvert vs extrovert, open and carefree vs. someone who is a creature of habit and security. Is this true in your case? I think such people make good partners because they balance one another and the universe is always seeking balance/harmony. This is why I personally think we feel a magnetic attraction for such people: they are displaying all the character traits which some part of us recognises is absent in ourselves. I tend to think that there is an innate drive in us to approach balance/wholeness so the deepest part of us wants to do this. I don’t mean by the way that you are not whole on your own, of course you are. I used the word wholeness as the best word I could find. Really however you can become completely whole on your own and that is the way to the healthiest relationship I believe.

    All I can say with respect to letting go is this: let it be, I mean accept the attraction is there, it is there so let it be there. Don’t ask why, don’t try to fall out of love- that is all very tiring and causes a lot of suffering. It sounds like you are fighting with it rather than just accepting that it’s there. Stop trying to get away from it. This doesn’t mean dwell on it though, just get on with things despite its presence and it will gradually lose it’s power. It’s the way of the universe from my own experience that if you will let the universe take care of things then what is best for you comes to you, there’s no need to try to force anything. So, you may really want to be with him. Well, let it be for now, and if/when an opportunity presents itself to advance then go for it, without hesitation, who knows which way things might go. When I look back on all the painful hours of suffering I caused myself years ago by brooding over women, I was going to say it was all unnecessary, but actually it got me to where I am now and I now know just to let things work themselves out, and actually not just with relationships but in all aspects of life.

    All the best,

    Ben.

    • This reply was modified 7 years ago by AikiBen.
    in reply to: Walking in shadows? Spiritual attachment? #75980
    AikiBen
    Participant

    Hi Matt,

    The only bad thing that I think you are doing is caring too much what other people say, including spiritual ‘authorities’. When you say things like “I was told”- never mind what you are told, what is true for you? what is true in your own experience? We have to be very careful I think because people all have their own interpretation of things. What you think they might mean might not be what they actually mean anyway, so why waste time thinking about it. I’ve noticed so many people who allow themselves to be drawn in by people who have ‘the answers’ when the fact is that the answers are inside YOU. If you get to the bottom of what most of the great spiritual masters that have walked the earth teach you will see they all say the same thing – that the kingdom of God is within, that your treasure is inside you, go within, seek it there. The more you look to external figures to decide on things in your own life you are simply giving away all your power. Your feelings are a good indicator of truth. How does it feel to be believing in all this stuff you are being told? I bet it’s causing you self-doubt, worry, feelings of inadequacy and a dependence on them for answers/guidance? Cut it off!

    You also have a misconception that many people have and I myself used to have – that being good leads to being walked on. No, being artificially nice/accommodating leads to being walked on. True goodness/kindness is highly misunderstood – that actually takes great strength and integrity. It comes from recognising that there is a need for kindness, and that might not always mean being nice per se, sometimes kindness can involve being very direct and assertive. You see it has to come from the right place inside you. If you are being ‘nice’ to avoid confrontation or if your being nice stops you from getting your own needs met then that is not being nice, that is being a victim. I have learned that what is truly right for me is right for the whole and what is wrong for me is wrong for the whole. If you are brave enough to walk your own path you will see this too. So please stop giving your power away to other people, unplug yourself from them. This may take some time, there’s no rush, but if you don’t you will continually be drained of your own energy and power and surely live a life filled with uncertainty and anxiety. That energy and power can be better directed to looking inside your own self for your own truth. This is what the Buddha did, this is what Jesus did…

    By the way, thanks, this has helped me clarify things for myself too.

    All the best,

    Ben.

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 1 month ago by AikiBen.
    in reply to: The Search for the Greatest Me and a Better World #75512
    AikiBen
    Participant

    To cjbuddha017,

    I can tell you something to give you some relief. It’s almost ten years ago now that I started with the same kinds of feelings and thoughts that you are now talking about. Having come to where I am now I want to tell you a few things. I discovered that there was an inner purpose to my life. I have since that time been learning to listen to and open up to it. Gradually it seems, as you do this it unfolds in your life to the extent that now I feel it is also dictating my outer life in all respects too. As I continually connect with that place inside me and more and more follow it’s instruction (manifesting it in my external life), life is becoming more and more meaningful, full of purpose and fulfilling. I strongly believe that this inner purpose it available to all of us, it’s simply that the vast majority of people either haven’t acknowledged it or if it does pop up in their head up then they dismiss it and thereby ignore it. So, consider yourself lucky firstly that you are becoming conscious of something, of it, that your pain and suffering have caused you to find it, this it how it was for me and the way it is perhaps for most.

    And some words of reassurance. You don’t need to worry that you won’t find what I’m talking about, that you’ll somehow ‘miss the boat’ so to speak, so long as you DON’T IGNORE these yearnings. So long as you don’t ignore/suppress it, but seek answers and allow it to unfold, then it will unfold, it has no other choice. You don’t need to worry about if you are doing it correctly or about trying to speed it up (which constantly happens at first), it has an inevitable process about it so in that sense you can relax, you just have to keep on slowly and gently chipping away at it. It can be very difficult at times, but it’s worth it to persevere.

    At first, just as you are now I think, we question and doubt our own feelings, our own experience. You said: “But I don’t want to enter the system. The system is too narrow. Too broken. My mind is a consolidation of so much. Knowledge, wisdom, curiosity, creativity, intellectuality. It’s too broad to be forced down a narrow path. The light inside would quickly be snuffed out. Extinguished in an instant. And the is my anguish. To lose that light.” You know what, you are bang on. Listen to your feelings, they are speaking your truth. A the moment you may question such a statement that feelings like this are truth until you have made some progress down ‘the path’. You may not know this until you get the inner realisation of it, it’s something that cannot be explained logically just in the same way that God cannot be explained logically. So yes, listen to those feelings, act on them.

    Best wishes,

    Ben.

    in reply to: The Offbeat Path: Advice Needed #74583
    AikiBen
    Participant

    Hi Kaven,

    I might be able to offer something helpful here. I’ve recently packed up my job. My heart was never in it from the start and I realised that it needs to be. The question is how do you find work that your heart is in? Well, you can’t work it out, I put lots of effort into doing that, but it’s fairly obvious at the end of the day, getting there through a logical process means you are making the decision from your head not your heart. I tested it out a few times and it didn’t work. Maybe on rare occasions someone will strike lucky with this approach, but I think generally not.

    The conclusion I’m coming to is that the answer (as with all things in life I’m sure) lies in learning to go with the flow. And what this means to me is learning to align yourself better with spirit, your higher self, God’s will. They say that all things that you want also want you, that’s the way the universe works. But for this to happen means learning to listen to the quiet, inner voice which directs you where to go. This is the voice of your heart. Even if it may not make sense to your mind, to learn to trust and follow it. And it’s a step by step process (as Henri says on his website Wake Up Cloud). He talks about just following the next small step, then the next, then the next. So in short, learn how to listen to the heart AND to follow what it says, which can be very difficult – even once you start hearing it, overcoming doubt and trusting it also takes time. Who knows, it may be some long, winding road that you are taken on before you get to THE WORK. But it may be that you have to experience/learn certain things before coming to that work, who can know.

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 2 months ago by AikiBen.
    • This reply was modified 7 years, 2 months ago by AikiBen.
    in reply to: How to overcome the need to seek validation from others? #74581
    AikiBen
    Participant

    Hi,

    Those things really don’t matter. Sure, there’s no denying the fact that if you’re tall, dark and handsome then you will get more attention from the ladies in clubs, and probably everywhere really, just as a woman who looks like a Barbie doll will have lots of guys chasing her. But the thing to realise is that all those people giving the attention are attracted for superficial reasons, and as such don’t really like the real you, are not pursuing you because of who you are as a person. Sure, you can go out with these people, but the whole thing is just shallow and you are better off without it. When I think about the people I’ve been most attracted to in my life, on a deep level not just looks, it’s like their appearance was just secondary to what was really attracting me. In other words, the relationships really worth having are those where there is a true spark, not some superficial surface level attraction, which leads to an inevitably unfulfilling situation – I’ve experienced this and I’ve spoken to others who have too – you’re better off without it.

    In time, you will learn to be OK with who you are and I’ve observed time and time again that this is very attractive to others. People who you would judge to have no chance with women based on their physical appearance can do amazingly well because they are so self-accepting. But to be honest, I don’t think you even need to worry about any of this full stop, including attracting a woman, period. Why I say this is, ask yourself why this important to you? Why do you want/need a woman? You think it will feel good, make you happy, be fulfilling or something right. Well yes it will be all those things, but it still won’t be enough. There will still be a yearning for more. The highest happiness and fulfilment cannot be attained from someone else (or anything external for that matter), seek that instead. If you do that you will come to a place where you no longer need a woman. Incidentally, you will be more attractive because you no longer need it, knowing that can be a good incentive in itself to get there, but once you start to experience this deepest happiness, having a woman really won’t be a priority anymore, it won’t be that drain on your energy which it probably is now. This has been my experience. This also opens the way to the most healthy relationship, when two people no longer need each other, since they are already full by themselves. Therefore, there is only a giving, an exchange, rather than a selfish taking to fill your own lack. This is what true love is. If you look around, you will see that most relationships out there are pretty co-dependent because most people don’t do the inner work.

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 2 months ago by AikiBen.
    in reply to: Nothing's Going Well and Depressed #74504
    AikiBen
    Participant

    Hey,

    Yep, you figured right. I’m afraid that’s the way it is. I know, it’s a bummer isn’t it! And yes, it’s hard at first but after a while you’ll be glad you did it. Just so you’re ready for it, you’ll also fall back into the hole often at first, but each time it gets easier to get out and with time you’ll be climbing mountains rather than caving hehe. You’re actually doing well at your age to have the self-awareness that you’ve been kidding yourself all this time – that’s what most people are doing for most of their lives so congrats to you. A few other points:

    1. The sooner you can let go of those friends who clearly don’t care the better. I’m talking from experience here. I know you might be afraid of loneliness, but you are still better without them. Such people will drag/keep you down. Make an effort to establish contact with the true friends you said you have.

    2. If you really do not want to be at school and you are genuinely not enjoying the course then leave. Yes, I know, I’ve been there, 1 yr into a 4 yr uni course and I didn’t want to be there. I stayed, but now I’m older and wiser and I can now say that anybody in a similar position asking what they should do, it’s a no-brainer to me. I know, all the what-ifs and the ‘but what about all the money and time invested already’, and the ‘but what about getting a job’, but none of that matters if what you are doing is making you miserable.

    3. By the sounds of it you have direct access to an excellent teacher. Talk to your brother, open up and share with him. Spend as much time around him as you can. Do something to make it happen, visit him one weekend. Yes, maybe you never visit your brother so it might seem a bit strange, doesn’t matter, do it anyway.

    4. Do some vigorous exercise a few times per week. This is important. I know you probably don’t feel like it right now, but it can help a lot.

    5. Try doing some mind-body type practice – this is probably the most powerful thing that can help you I’d say. I strongly recommend enrolling yourself in a yoga class for a month. Yes, you will have to invest the money in yourself. Meditation is also very powerful, do that too – that’s free, watch a video on YouTube, don’t get bogged down by all the different types, just start off with the basic one, i.e. sit upright, take a few deep breaths, close your eyes and just follow your breaths as you breathe normally. Just concentrate on the movement of your breath in and out for 15 mins, set an alarm clock. Do this daily. If you want to sleep extra well then do 10min before bed. Often you can go to bed and your body is ready but your mind is still busy thinking about stuff. Meditation puts an end to this.

    Forget about not being bothered, feeling too lazy to do it, just do it.

    Start where you are. Accept where you are. You can start over right now, you don’t need to go anywhere or change anything outside of you right away. Take your time.

    All the best,

    Ben.

    in reply to: Should I continue keeping myself in the comfort zone? #74494
    AikiBen
    Participant

    Hi,

    I can’t say what you should do because I’m still figuring this stuff out for myself. I’ve read a number of times that life will present us with opportunities for growth until we have learned what needs to be learned. You seem to need your ‘shell’ of security. The thing is, I’ve seen it enough in the lives of others and my own life, that whenever you try to stop life from moving, just keep things the same, then you will also be removing the life from your life. By that I mean all the excitement, experiences, opportunities for growth, new people, friends, relationships. You see, it’s natural to want to remove all the risk and uncomfortable situations and build security and stability into your life. People do this by buying a house, getting a steady job and then they often get stuck in it and lead boring empty lives, too afraid to make a change. Their lives become stale and essentially they are just waiting to die. I know it sounds harsh but it’s true in many cases. If you want to live life to the full, it means you have to allow life. So, by default, that also means accepting risk, discomfort, and most certainly change. Actually, when you really do this, life can become really exciting and enjoyable. It just requires letting go, accepting all this, accepting the discomfort. Deep down remember that you will be OK. The thing about this ‘security’ that people try and create in their lives, not only does it make your life stale, the security is just an illusion anyway, it can all fall apart very quickly because life will make changes even when you don’t want it to. There are plenty of examples of people keeping the same job for decades and then being made redundant and losing a lot of the security they sacrificed there own happiness to gain, eg losing a large amount of their pension. They also find it very difficult to get another job sometimes because they have been doing the same thing for decades so have a very narrow range of experience, so they also end up being trapped. That is the price of ‘security’.

    Anyway, to come back to my first line. Perhaps life is trying to teach you to let go of the shell by providing you with opportunities to do just this. After all, that is true freedom, liberation, if you can feel safe and trust without needing to have a particular set of circumstances. People who build these illusionary shells are very vulnerable if a crack appears, e.g. they lose their job, because they can’t deal with change, it’s too uncomfortable and frightening for them because they’ve avoided it for so long. After all, when you avoid fear it grows.

    You speak of this as a great opportunity and you also applied in the first place so you must want it at some level. You’ve also got quite far so maybe you’re better than you think. If you get through, maybe it’s meant to be. On the other hand, if you genuinely feel it’s not right for you then by all means don’t do it, but you have to learn to figure that part out for yourself. I once got fairly far for a quite prestigious position but pretty soon realised that it was not me at all to do a job like that, it just didn’t fit who I am so once I realised this I said no to it and know I did the right thing. The question is, does it fit who you are, do you really want to do it in your heart, it’s just that fear is holding you back, or does it just seem like a ‘good job’ as other people would describe it but you know that it would make you miserable to do it? The thing is, even if you make the wrong choice for you, you will learn from the mistake, sometimes it’s necessary to make the wrong choice in order to know that you don’t want something.

    Good luck,

    Ben.

    in reply to: The Offbeat Path: Advice Needed #74483
    AikiBen
    Participant

    Hi Cassiopeialight,

    I simply have to reply to you. I started off thinking years ago about all this sort of thing and at first used to think too that, “maybe I’m just being an idealist”, etc. Several years later, being older and wiser haha, I realise the truth of those feelings I was having. The more you come to realise it, the more you see how backwards almost everyone has it. The thing is it’s so deeply ingrained in people, the ‘this is how you live life’ idea, that you are actually feeling guilty even though you’re the one who is ACTUALLY seeing clearly, who has seen the light, it’s really crazy when you really start to see the truth of this. People think and tell you that you have it backwards, and yet something tells you that something is deeply wrong with all this, so of course you can often end up feeling guilty, I certainly have done at times. However, I’m realising how ludicrous it is to feel that way now. Honouring your own truth is I believe the most important thing you can do in life. When you do this however, you will naturally face resistance from people still immersed in the illusion. I now realise that it’s like we all wear tainted glasses and we see everything in the world not as it is but only as it appears through these glasses. To such people your plans will naturally appear senseless according to their view of the world and unfortunately you cannot remove their glasses for them, they can only do it themselves, and most people unfortunately will never remove them their entire lives. All they have is their narrow view of the way things are supposed to be and anything that doesn’t conform is deemed wrong or stupid. Really, you are blessed, you have seen through it, this allows you to live a life of freedom, a life which will allow you much more happiness, fulfillment, growth, health, wealth (in all respects), so long as you “march to your own drum” and do not allow other’s opinions and doubts to lead your way. This is so essential.

    I think you are also very lucky because this is happening at just the right time. I’ve been through uni so I can speak now from experience and what I’ve seen which might help you. For me, I began the process of lifting myself out of delusion a few months in to my first year. I went to study chemistry. Looking back, it seemed like a good, sensible option at the time, I found chemistry fairly interesting. However, I know now that my heart wasn’t in it, even before I even got to uni. It’s not that there were other strong expectations for me to go, it was mostly from myself, but I just didn’t know any better at the time. As I’ve read time and time again, nobody teaches the most important stuff in life at school: how to live, how to be happy, the importance of following your heart, you just learn how be a good academic, which you realise, unless you want to be an academic is pretty useless, even for most jobs. Anyway, a few months into my first year and I just had to find answers, I didn’t even know what I was looking for at the time, all I knew was I HAD to find answers. I now know that I was looking for truth.

    Well, I struggled through 4 years of chemistry. I can’t tell you how much I suffered as a result. I’ve read how we essentially have 2 wills, our personal will and our higher will. Our personal will comes from the ego, it tells us what we should be doing. Our higher will comes from our higher self, the universe, God, however you want to describe it. You can go against your higher will, but when you do so you will suffer. It is said you can continue to do so (which gets harder and harder, more and more painful) but eventually the higher will will find a way to stop you. It’s like, hahaha, you think you are more powerful than the universe, we’ll see, and the universe will stop you somehow. It will even manifest physical illness if it must so that you are forced to listen. I’ve read about and listened to people where this has clearly happened, even if they didn’t understand the reason for it themselves, e.g. a past colleague who was unable to get out of his bed one morning. It was clear to me from how he had described his life up to that point what was happening and why. Anyway, back then, I remember at the start of the 3rd year I said to a close friend, “I don’t even want to be here anymore” (I was reluctant to leave though because of the money already invested), I then had 2 more gruelling years to go. The thing is at the uni I was at and doing that course, the workload is such that your heart MUST be in it, if it isn’t then you will find it extremely difficult to do well. I remember at the time, I felt so guilty because I felt I was just being lazy, I just couldn’t seem to get much work done. At school I had done very well so knew I was academically capable and a hard worker so I just felt lazy. I told myself I must do the work, but I now see how I was fighting myself so intensely, every ounce of me didn’t want to be doing this, but I was forcing myself to do it. So, it caused me immense pain.

    I now know that this is what happens when we follow the ‘shoulds’ of others or even of ourselves, rather than our hearts and what we really want. You see, so many people really make life a struggle and a large amount of the time it’s because they are doing this very thing. By following the should you become unhappy, don’t enjoy life, your health deteriorates, you shrink as a human being. Consequently, you become a minus, a negative impact on the world as a whole not just yourself. If you follow your truth, the opposite is true. Yes, this means not only is it good for you, you become a plus to the world so you actually make world better too! You are actually what the world needs!! Now do you see how back-to-front most of the world has it? How ludicrous it is?

    To those who are sleep walking you are having a premature mid-life crisis, in actuality you are awakening. As you continue this journey you will see again and again how much paradox there is. You need only look at 19 out of 20 faces on a train at rush hour to see how zoned-out and like a zombie most people are in the way they are living their lives. I highly recommend reading Emerson’s essay on self-reliance, he could see so much of what others failed to see, link here:

    http://www.emersoncentral.com/selfreliance.htm

    I lastly want to mention something that I read about what a young Zen monk said in a book I read. It echoes exactly what you said so well done to acknowledging that you are not sure what you want to study so aren’t just picking any old subject. By the way, I’d say that out of my entire year group at uni (about 120 people) it was clear that 2 were passionate about what they were doing and were exactly where they were supposed to be. Most of the rest had probably chosen chemistry mainly because of the job prospects, basically as a means to an end as far as I could tell, it’s really quite sad. And it’s amazing how much these two stood out from the crowd, yet very few question, why is this? Is something wrong here? Could I be like that too? Anyway, this monk said something to the effect of: many people do not yet know at such a young age what subject to study, which may dictate their career and ultimately their life direction. For many people uni may not even be right for them full stop. He instead went to live in a monastery for a few years, that’s what he wanted. Most people don’t really stop and question themselves as to what they really want. The world needs people who do what they really want! Be brave, be courageous, that is also what the world needs and what you need. Incidentally, I remember meeting a friend of a uni friend at a party years ago and asking him where he studied, he seemed pretty bright so it’s the natural assumption made I’m afraid. I was surprised to hear he wasn’t at uni but had decided to just get a job. Probably not by coincidence he seemed so free and easy, I really wanted to be like him I remember thinking, just in his manner and relaxed quality he had about him. The people I’ve met in life so far who aren’t following the run of the mill seem to usually possess an enviable carefree air about them, a joyousness and freedom that I want to be around and other people find attractive. Hmmm, I wonder why…?

    Go for it, do it, be brave! Also, read the essay.

    All the best,

    Ben.

    in reply to: I need help #74398
    AikiBen
    Participant

    Hi Nekoshema,

    Just keep going doing what you’re doing and eventually the answers will come. It takes time, there’s no quick fix. I know it can be really difficult but eventually you’ll see the light so to speak. This is just the nature of the path you’re on, at first it’s a real struggle, it gets a whole lot better in time though.

    All the best,

    Ben.

    in reply to: Growing up, moving out #74396
    AikiBen
    Participant

    Hi,

    I’m 27, I returned home after finishing uni. I got a job within a few months and then moved out after another few months. Before I moved out, I also thought about the benefits of being at home, and in some ways I was quite content to stay. The thing is my parent’s home is in a small town and I had the same things on my mind as you do now: relationships, friends, things going on. I had in mind to move to the nearest big city (conveniently my job was within commuting distance of this city).

    The thing is, at the time I wasn’t so 50/50 as you seem to be, I recognised that although my situation was amenable at home, it was important, probably essential for my own growth as a person, and to really experience life, to get out there! The thing is for me it wasn’t such a big jump out of my comfort zone as I’d already rented a few places when I was at uni.

    Looking back, I’m so glad I did move out. So much came my way in every way. The thing is I think it’s really important to find like-minded people and things that you resonate with. These things will help you to know out who you are, which is fundamental to you blossoming as a human being and fulfilling your potential in life. I could never have done this staying at home, as most young educated people are living in cities (not all but most), it’s a fact of life. Consequently, cities are where you’ll find more activities and opportunities to pursue because of basic supply and demand. Although it’s a mean-sounding generalisation, from my experience, small towns are mainly filled with three sorts of people, at least in the UK where I live: old people (who want somewhere a bit quieter to live), people starting families (who want somewhere safe and suburban to bring up kids) and lastly young people who aren’t going anywhere in life. I know it’s harsh, but it is generally true. Anyway, this means there’s no audience/demand for so much culture, interests, creativity, artistry, etc, etc.

    These days I try to make choices based on love not fear, I highly recommend it. All the fears you’ve listed I’ve observed either for myself or people I know for none of these to be a problem. I’ve heard it said that unless businesses are always moving forward/growing in some way then they naturally start to decline (not stay the same but actually decline). I think the same is true of people, if you aren’t always moving forward then your world will start shrinking. You see, life is always changing, the universal force is always flowing and you are a part of it. This means you will get urges to move in a certain direction in your life, often accompanied of course by fears, but it’s when people resist moving due to fear and then the fears grow and grow. Allow it to move through you, move with it. This is what is meant by ‘going with the flow’. Are you really going to hold off life until you can afford to buy? Stop trying to plan life out, do you really think that getting THINGS you want (like a house) will make you happy? Live now, don’t put off life to get something in the future, I think it’s one of the biggest mistakes people make, they strive for comfort and security and sacrifice life and living as a result. To me you are looking at life in a very black and white way, in a purely logical way. From my experience, listening to your heart is best. Staying at home to save money sounds logical, but if you are fairly unhappy living at home, will you really feel like saving money? Will you even care anymore about that? The universe moves in ways that you can’t work out, but if you follow your feeling and stop trying to work it out life will pan out just fine I believe. Of course there are times when it is necessary to hold back, but you have to learn how to discern one from the other. It sounds to me though that you feel you know you want to move but that you are just holding yourself back with fear and worries and what ifs, but only you really know.

    At the end of the day, what’s the worst that can happen literally? Say it is the ‘wrong’ thing for you, so you move back home, yeah your wallet may be a bit lighter but at least you will know for sure then. Is it not worth doing it, whether or not it’s right or wrong just so that you know? I’ve done this with a number of things and it certainly helped me. It allows closure on certain questions in your mind and allows you to move forward with your life rather than being stuck in limbo. Otherwise that ‘what if’ will always keep arising and will cause you to stop and stall in whatever direction you do finally choose.

    All the best,

    Ben.

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 2 months ago by AikiBen.
    AikiBen
    Participant

    Hey,

    I know it must be very uncomfortable, but actually I would say in many ways you are very lucky. You are waking up! Most people are still sleep walking, if you don’t understand what I mean by this you probably will soon enough. It’s natural to react to such feelings as though they are bad and that something is wrong with you because this is what society has taught us to do, but it couldn’t be further from the truth. Emotions are there to tell you something and you’re making good progress from what I can see. Meditation is one of the best things you could be doing in my opinion right now. From my experience, life for you will become more meaningful and purposeful than you could have imagined if you continue what you’ve now started.

    Don’t worry about being happy all the time. Unhappiness is OK, in fact the real trick is to just accept it (fully). Emotions only really cause us to suffer if we resist them, stop fighting it, become OK with unhappiness and you won’t suffer so much, you will literally be OK with it. This might sound difficult but again meditation helps for this. Being scared is also OK and natural because you are experiencing feelings that are new and uncomfortable.

    You are at the start of a wonderful journey, it’s just that the first part of it is very bumpy – just persevere, that’s really all you need to do.

    Hope that helps,

    Ben.

    in reply to: How can I accept the situation for what it is? #73933
    AikiBen
    Participant

    Hi,

    Seems to me like life has presented you with both a great opportunity and learning experience. Sounds like you’re doing OK because the important thing to me is that you have awareness of how you are holding yourself back, so just keep going and you’ll get through it. I used to be one of the biggest worriers around and can still be highly indecisive.

    All worry is a waste of time. All your what ifs are a waste of time. Cast out these ideologies which are not even your own, this quote comes to mind: “A man (or woman) must act as if all else were ephemeral except he” – Emerson. Remember, all these ideas about convention, it’s all made up, none of it is inherently right or wrong, none of it is true. People find it so hard to listen to and honour the truth but it makes life so simple when you do, I’m doing this more and more and it’s great. Listen to your feeling, to your heart, that’s what is true, honour this truth. Yes, honour it, above all other opinion and convention. Also cast out your own ideologies/expectations of how things were meant to be, this just creates suffering.

    I really recommend trying meditation. It takes some amount of practice, but if you get into it, it could help you big time. It may help you see through all of your worry, anxiety etc so that it no longer affects you, or at least much less so, in time.

    Another thing, I know it may sound stupid and difficult, but stop fighting/pushing away your doubt and anxiety. Do your best just to let it be. The more you try to struggle with it the more energy you give to it. At the same time, try not to get caught up in it, in other words when you find the doubts envelop you do something to occupy yourself, or go for a walk etc. Again, meditation is perhaps the best training to be able to do this. You could try just sitting with your doubts and worries, not getting caught up in them but watching them, being a witness to them only, because it’s just your mind making them up, it’s nothing more than that, they’re not actually real, they just seem so real because most of us are so enslaved by our minds, we believe everything they tell us. Meditation will reveal to you eventually how daft it all is and give you freedom. This is the freedom that the Bible is getting at when it says, “the truth shall set you free”. Imagine also the personal strength and energy that you get when you are able to do this!

    Good luck,

    Ben.

    in reply to: Lack of Belief/Self Love Holding me Back #73870
    AikiBen
    Participant

    Hey,

    Just start where you are. All the what ifs and wonderings you bring up at the end of your message, you don’t yet know enough to be able to give these doubts any credit so just go ahead and try all these things anyway. They may not be the answer, but you will find what you need if you start and keep going, one thing leads the way to the next. This is what I’ve found from my experience. I’m not going to give specifics on what I think will or will not work as I think this is a waste of time. Where you are right now you only need to do two things in my opinion:

    1. Start
    2. Persevere (this is the biggie cos it will be like a rollercoaster, big ups and big downs, but it’s worth it!).

    All the best,

    Ben.

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 2 months ago by AikiBen.
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