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AikiBen

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  • in reply to: Have I gone crazy? #73743
    AikiBen
    Participant

    That sound great. I underestimated your level of awakeness. I really empathise with your words. You can feel what is wrong in your situation, just as I have in the past, for myself I have not listened to/trusted my own feelings so often, it’s nice to hear that you are listening and are prepared to act.

    From your first reply to me you reminded me SO MUCH of myself. I thought to myself, you sound like the female equivalent of me, except your academic interests appear to be the polar opposite (psychologically speaking) to myself: you seem to be more into the arts (music, film etc), whereas I studied the sciences. Although interestingly, psychometric tests have said that my natural abilities are more associated with people working in the arts than in science – funnily enough I’ve always had a sense of this in many aspects of myself.

    I get the feeling you are of a very similar vibration to myself (don’t like using that overused word in spirituality but it just fits well). I wanted to suggest swapping emails before to keep in touch for reporting back in the future on how our next steps go, but since I am in general a very private person I didn’t really want to put my email address on an open forum like this, but as I’m choosing to make decisions not from fear but from love these days: wardzinski_ben@live.co.uk Please drop me an email, it would be great to keep in touch! I’d love to tell you more about my planned adventures, how it all came about, etc, and I’d love to hear more about yours. There’s so much I could share with you because you understand.

    in reply to: Have I gone crazy? #73675
    AikiBen
    Participant

    Hey,

    I just wanted to bring something up. A couple of things you’ve said gave me the impression it might be useful, and that is that there is no way to happiness, happiness is the way, I got that from Wayne Dyer. I think a lot of people are always looking to the horizon, at the next thing, that when you arrive there you will be happy, but the thing is it’s like chasing a rainbow, there is no arriving. No particular set of circumstances etc can give you what you seek. Are you doing this at all? I get the impression you might be from some of the things you said that’s all.

    I’ve been aware of the above quote intellectually for a few years, but it’s only the last few months that it’s really starting to sink in to the point that it’s giving me liberation. Concerning my big move that I mentioned, I realised that I had some of this mode of thinking wrapped up in the decision. I now think that although I feel good things will come of it and there’ll be great adventure and great times, it won’t give me what I truly want, it can’t fill that thing inside me, how could it, it’s inside me so nothing outside can fill that.

    However, for me, doing this move is simply part of my inner path, part of the letting go. I’m doing my best to let go of expecting to get anything in particular out of it though. The inner answers are coming incidentally if that makes sense (i.e. regardless of my circumstances). Happiness, liberation, etc are developing inside me as a result of my meditating daily and looking within. I can’t tell you how liberating it is to let go of the idea that I have to go somewhere or do something to find ‘it’. This really takes the pressure off. As soon as you get even a hint of an idea in your head that everything’s gonna be great when I get to this particular place or am doing this particular thing (e.g. job) then I notice it creates a tension/anxiety inside me (very subtle- something that you may only pick up on in deep meditation) because of the dependence I’ve created on this thing giving me happiness. So somewhere inside me floating around is the message that I cannot be 100% happy until I am there or doing that, again it may be a very subtle message, but it has a lot of power. (Hmmm, it certainly benefits me just to write about this as it clarifies things for me more sharply.)

    This brings me back to my first message. I feel, yes by all means follow your feeling of where to go and what to do next, but be careful about the above.

    I’m in a similar boat with regard to people who I can talk to. Currently I have a few friends (who I’m grateful to have) who I can talk about things a little, but not fully, not to the level I’ve written above. However, I do anticipate that people more like-minded to myself will come into my life fairly soon, it’s only natural. I’m sure they will for you too when the time is right.

    • This reply was modified 9 years ago by AikiBen.
    in reply to: Have I gone crazy? #73571
    AikiBen
    Participant

    It would be really interesting if we both returned to this post a year from now to report on what happens.

    In my last response I didn’t comment on your coincidences with the people you met, neighbours etc. Again, a few yrs ago I would have dismissed it, but now, when I see coincidences like this, that are almost humorous, I see God playing. I’ve read enough times how enlightened individuals say there are no coincidences. More and more I am coming to this myself. Now, even when ‘bad’ things happen, e.g. I miss a train (like I did yesterday, and then I had to buy a second expensive ticket), there is a trust in me developing that it’s all OK.

    A few times, even though I knew I suspected inside it was the wrong thing to do, because I so wanted my parents to see what I could see I attempted to explain some of my plans at the time. The result confirmed what I’ve read about not throwing the gold that you’ve discovered down the drain, they could not grasp at all the essence I was trying to convey. All I did was hurt myself and probably look foolish and naïve in their eyes because I know how the old me of several years ago would have judged what I was saying. So, I think you’re doing the right thing in not talking on this level with them.

    • This reply was modified 9 years ago by AikiBen.
    in reply to: Have I gone crazy? #73393
    AikiBen
    Participant

    Hi lostgirl,

    I really enjoyed reading your story. To me your story is packed with spiritual richness, that you are really onto something, I sense you realise this? But do not trust it/yourself? Your story brought so many points to mind which I’d love to make.

    Your desire to live in the US and innate ability let’s say with the English language reminded me of Paramahansa Yogananda’s desire to go off to the Himalayas in his book Autobiography of a Yogi (have you read it?). I never used to believe in past life stuff, I thought it was a load of nonsense, but reading that book changed all this for me. Anyway, it’s interesting because just like you he had a strong unexplainable urge to go there and made a number of attempts during his youth to escape to there, but each time he was thwarted. He reckoned he was drawn there by a past life experience, but the thing is in the end he never ended up there so I guess he didn’t really have to go there, i.e. it wasn’t an essential component to his life purpose, as you might put it.

    It’s funny how you talk about how you came to study film, that “you don’t know why”. You also say the same thing again for going to Montreal. I recently heard a spiritual teacher talk about how people are often asking for advice from God, praying for answers etc, and claiming not to be receiving any answers, but that actually the truth is being communicated to us in lots of subtle ways all the time. He gave the example of how for instance you might see, in my case a hot looking woman, and that there’s a quick and quiet feeling/voice inside that says, “don’t do it”, and the mind often will then question it, why? why shouldn’t I approach her? etc. But the thing is the truth will never justify itself, it just is. He said that it’s given life a free gift, take it or leave it. Anyway, the point I’m trying to make is that the universal life force if you will is moving through us all the time, we are it. My current spiritual understanding (by no mean infallible) is that “you don’t know why” is perfectly normal. The mind always wants to know (a function of the ego), always wants a reason why, but the higher intelligence is in charge and I’m sure you know by now that you can not reach the spiritual, truth, through the mind. You cannot work it out or get there through your logical reasoning function. From my experience whenever you try to do this you are just stifling the natural movement of life, and this is what I believe is the cause of all our struggles and suffering in life. This is the real meaning of going with the flow, and as it sounds, it’s effortless. However, it is also very difficult to do because it means having complete trust and faith in the universe. This is why you will read about how for spiritual masters life is effortless in this sense. They don’t struggle with life trying to work things out (which incidentally can’t be worked out). I practice Aikido and this is a physical demonstration of this spiritual principle – a few rare times it will happen that someone attacks me and I will throw them and it feels like I didn’t do anything – those times I was told I did it right. However, the majority of the time when someone attacks (life energy comes my way) I TRY to throw them, I struggle a bit, etc, and it just doesn’t work so well. To me it sounds great that at least you have done some of these things (gone with the flow) despite not understanding why, most people probably don’t, I know that for most of my life I haven’t or have at least struggled immensely trying to work things out instead of just letting them happen. To me, all you need to add are the ingredients of faith and trust in the universe and in your process. The book Dying To Be Me by Anita Moorjani helped me massively with this and I’d recommend it to you, it’s a nice read.

    The seeing the London signs everywhere is a typical example of what happens when something is on your subconscious mind, it can result in selective seeing in your environment of anything associated with the object of your current desire.

    Although you call your life a mess, I would call it a wonderful mess, and I think that is exactly the way life is meant to be. I think that the vast vast majority of people try to reduce the amount of chaos in their lives as much as possible, establish as much constancy and consistency as possible to get those things called security and control (an illusion of the ego). However, by doing this we stifle life. I saw the truth of this about 6 months ago in a certain situation I was in at the time. I really think that most people are effectively dead, they are living but they are not alive in the truest sense, because they have tried to remove themselves from the flow of life (whose nature is unpredictable) and in doing so have removed life itself. I guess this is one of the aspects of separation that spiritual people speak of.

    Regarding things not ‘working out’ the first time round in London: “To everything there is a season”. To me there seems a perfect flow to your life story. It may just be that being in London the first time was to put the fire inside you to want to come back, but that the time wasn’t yet ripe for you to stay, that you first had to go through some other things first or/and certain things had to come into place, be set up for you. To me it’s all about trusting the almighty hand, maybe’s he/she is setting things up for you.

    Lastly, “Trust Thyself” – Ralph Waldo Emerson. I really don’t think you’re going crazy. It sounds to me from your words that you have a sense that you know something perfectly non-crazy is happening, that again you just need to trust it, trust your own sense about it rather than the words of others. Most people will without doubt say something like that, i.e. maybe you should see someone, that’s it’s some mental dysfunction. People not on the spiritual path will never be able to comprehend such happenings, they cannot. By the same token (and I’m having equal difficulty with this one), as you start to progress in your spirituality, raise your awareness or vibration as some might say, you will start to experience an almighty chasm developing between yourself and family members as they remain in old (commonplace) awareness mode. Again, just as for your opening up experience, any higher knowledge, understanding, ideas, anything, will be incomprehensible to family, or rather only comprehensible at their current level of awareness, so whilst on the surface (intellectually) they will understand, they won’t really understand if that makes sense. It can be extremely frustrating and I’m learning that it’s best not to share it with them. This might sound like the wrong thing to do for some, but I now see that I cannot show them the light as it were, each person must seek it themselves, if they come asking for advice that’s another matter, but I then have to be very careful at giving it according to their current understanding – I’ve not been doing this well at all lately. If you need to talk about higher matters then do it only through equally enlightened individuals (friends/teachers), otherwise much frustration will ensue.

    It’s funny, regarding your London situation, I for the last 8 months have had an identical thing for moving somewhere. For much of that time I’ve been trying to work out (I know lol) whether the desire is coming from my heart or from my mind (i.e. universal director or ego desire). You see, I didn’t want to fall into the trap which korkor has made allusion to above – am I just seeking happiness outside myself, in a place, after all the ‘kingdom of God is within’. However, more and more and after much meditation and coming to the conclusion that it’s the right thing for me to do. It’s an example of what on the surface seems like a paradox, which you often come across in spirituality. Yes, you don’t have to go anywhere to find what you are really looking for in life, to find truth, however, I believe that doesn’t mean that you should enforce upon yourself not to go anywhere because you ‘don’t need to’. Again, it’s about not stifling the life force. All I know is that the sense to go keeps arising in me and I’m now getting to a point where I believe I need to let go and do it, I think it will happen in the next few weeks in fact. By the way, clarity has come by stopping trying to work it out and just getting on with life, making more decisions, even if might be the ‘wrong thing’. The clarity has come by allowing myself to keep moving, to keep flowing. It will be interesting to see what happens if/when we both go for it here. For so long I’ve been wanting to jump into the boat of the unknown of following the heart, I’ve read how life flows form this, that one thing will lead to another, things that you’d never guessed come into your life, through the process of allowing. I’m in the process of allowing the allowing and I’m quite excited!

    Normally I’d proofread, but that was a long reply and it’s late 🙂

    Ben.

    in reply to: Lost in the woods looking for the forest. #73392
    AikiBen
    Participant

    Sounds like you’re asking all the right questions, that you’re starting to see through all the BS that we make up and call life, I can’t answer these questions for you, but I just want to say keep going – seek and ye shall find, ask and it shall be given – this little gem from the Bible will prove itself to you. It’s refreshing to see someone express this on these forums – getting to the core of things!

    in reply to: Starting meditation: HELP!!! #72656
    AikiBen
    Participant

    Sorry Will, I was a bit harsh in my first sentence there, funny how frustration from the day can taint what we say. I really just wished to expand on what you said.

    in reply to: Starting meditation: HELP!!! #72653
    AikiBen
    Participant

    Hi,

    I have to chip in here because the advice above is not particularly instructive and the first sentence incorrect. The thing to do does not depend on the type of meditation you are doing. The thing to do is to just notice it and let it be, whether it is a discomfort and you want to move a part of you or an itch that you want to scratch or a thought. Do not try to get rid of it in any way because by doing so your focus shifts to it and it will grow. Always, again and again and again return your focus back to your meditation subject, whether that be the breath, an image, whatever it is. You may spend your entire meditation being distracted, then returning your focus, distracted, re-focus, but it doesn’t matter, persevere, persevere, persevere. You may not realise but you are training your mind here and the fruits of this are abound, which you’ll see for yourself with time.

    Things like itches and physical discomforts are common at first and part of the practice is learning to recognise that all this stuff is just the mind wanting to have it’s way with you. It doesn’t want to sit still, it always wants to be entertained, so you can understand how meditation is probably the last thing it wants to do. You’ll find that the mind will try very hard even with little discomforts and at first convince you many times (until you learn), that you have to move your leg (or whatever). It will say things like the pain is getting worse, it would be sensible to move it to help with the meditation, etc, it can be very sly. The thing is, once you sit up straight in good posture (or lie), then relax into the posture, take a few deep breaths then begin meditating, you may want to move but you don’t NEED to move until you have reached the end of your allotted time. My leg probably won’t fall off if I leave it here a little longer and so on. Eventually you realise this lol.

    A few other hints I’d like to add that I only found out later but would have been useful to know at the start:
    1. Set an alarm at first and solidly decide I’m going to meditate for such and such a time to build the discipline required for meditation and don’t stop until the alarm goes. Not setting an alarm you inevitably keep thinking, oh it must be 30min or whatever by now, and it isn’t, and you spoil your meditation/don’t build as much discipline.
    2. Thoughts: I have to emphasise because it’s so easy to get into the trap. Do not push the thoughts away, it’s like Newton’s 2nd law, there’s an equal and opposite reaction. Just be the witness and return to your subject of focus as best you can, repeatedly.
    3. I found this helpful for a while, the practice of labelling any thoughts that come up into a context, eg future, past, regret, imaginary, distraction. Whenever a thought pops up, just in your mind say to yourself “future” if it’s a thought about the future etc. Don’t start analysing the thought to decide an appropriate label, just make it quick and automatic as soon as the thought pops up. I sometimes find that you can get distracted by a thought and suddenly without noticing it you embraced the thought and have been lost in it for 5mins and you suddenly realise and snap out of it. That is what this practice is good for preventing, the immediate labelling process as soon as a thought arises, stops it in it’s tracks much more readily I found. Again, as soon as you label, return to your subject of focus.

    In life most people are a slave to their thoughts without even realising it, you will come to see this through meditation. You will gain with consistent practice, after not too long, a lot of personal power and liberation in your daily life with the training that meditation puts your mind through as you will start to become the master rather than the slave of your mind.

    Good luck with it!

    in reply to: I MUST have my life of full pleasure back #72616
    AikiBen
    Participant

    Hi Matt,

    Truth, that something that so many spiritual masters have tried to convey to others in the past like the Buddha, Jesus, etc, etc, cannot be given to others. You can only point the way to it. You can’t arrive at truth through logic, if it was that simple then anybody with a reasonable IQ would quickly learn how to be another Buddha. One of the main purposes of meditation is to get you out of your thinking mind (with all it’s conditioning, beliefs, opinions, logical arguments) to access something else. I’m certainly not enlightened, but I’ve had glimpses of what Jesus, Buddha and others have tried to express, and it’s only through these glimpses that I’ve really begun to comprehend what they were saying. The Buddha recognised this difficulty, and so always made the point that the teachings themselves are not the truth, I cannot show you the truth, I can only help point you in the direction of it.

    Anyway, I was just trying to lay a foundation for saying what I’m about to say. I can see that you have a very firmly fixed opinion on what life is about. You make a good argument for it. But I am quite sure that there is something beyond that, far beyond it, such that if you were to see it, you would let go of this idea which you seem to be prepared to let you pull you into the depths before you will let go of it, or even question letting go of. You see, if you are fortunate enough (and open enough) to come across things written by those who are awakened, they will tell you that the path to truth is synonymous with letting go, letting go of our views, beliefs, opinions, ideas, all of it.

    I recently came across a quote which said that, “the ‘clever’ are fools”. There’s a lot of truth to that statement. You see, it’s very easy when you’re intelligent to let the mind be the master and believe you are correct because you know you are intelligent and you are able to create good arguments to uphold your beliefs. Your cleverness is what is keeping you stuck. It is the old Zen proverb, your cup is completely full so nothing else can enter, you WILL NOT let it enter, I sense it strongly in your conviction. I’m not saying you have to change your belief or that it’s wrong, but what if you have only part of the answer? I’d invite you to keep questioning, to look further, to be open to other things and ideas. It’s funny, for myself, certain things that I said an absolute NO to in the past, saying it was all a load of complete nonsense, I eventually was open enough to give it the benefit of the doubt and all of my previously held super strong conviction that I was correct was embarrassingly blown out of the water. Mark my words however, this is very difficult, many people will not bare to really have their deeply held beliefs questioned.

    I want to say one last thing about Jesus just to highlight what I’m saying about truth, beliefs, etc (I’m not actually religious you might be surprised to hear but I’m just using it to make a point). When he would give his teachings, he was accused by the religious authorities at the time of committing blasphemy. These men thought that things that Jesus did were wrong, that he went again religious ideas. They were fuming about it in many instances, why do you think they crucified him. You see, everyone suffers from the same problems, they have their own fixed ideas on the way things are. These men of the religious authorities at the time, the vast majority would not have been in any way awakened, would not have been able to see truth. They were only going off their own opinions and beliefs and what they had learned from their religious texts. If you listen to people talk who have genuinely experienced an awakening, they say they have no views on anything, they seem to have a peaceful presence about them that just knows, if you are ever fortunate enough to be around such a person. They have let go of any ideas about what life should be like, etc.

    I invite you to watch a few videos by Adyashanti on YouTube, there are many so find a few titles that catch your eye and watch those. It might be that you won’t be able to stand him, which is fine, he’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but it might be interesting to you.

    in reply to: Annoyed By People In New Environment #72580
    AikiBen
    Participant

    Hi Leila,

    I’ve recently changed my circumstances and am consequently regularly around someone who I find very difficult to be around (albeit temporarily). I have no definite answers but from all I’ve read, and I’m sure you already know this, it’s by being around such trying people that enables us to grow, I would even go as far to say, the more trying they are to us, the more you are forced to grow, forced by your own suffering. I’m sure you know what I mean. (The more it stretches your comfort level the greater the potential for growth, so long as it’s not beyond your limit, but life only ever gives us what we are capable of dealing with so I hear.) And we both know that this suffering happens because of our resistance to things in some way, springing in this instance from judgement of the way others should be and what is wrong with them/their attitude. I’m in the same boat, you understand why they are the way they are just as I do in my own situation, but we both know that that’s not enough, because we know it yet still we suffer. I guess this is proof of what a warrior you genuinely have to be to do this stuff. That we know is good however because as they say the first step is awareness. The warrior part is where you have to practice what you preach, practice acceptance and tolerance without trying to change them (if you are trying to change them to your way of thinking that unfortunately is not acceptance of them as they are), of course this is extremely difficult. So, you try, succeed sometimes, fail often, suffer greatly, go crazy, get centred again, etc. I’m sure eventually you’ll come out on top (of your former self that is). I find this a good test of my own ego personally, being around such a person has made me realise how much ego investment I have in spirituality itself. The ego will tack onto anything, even your spirituality, trying to assert your rightness etc. It’s a fools game, I keep falling into it just automatically lately, it’s incredibly difficult not to. I guess one comes out the other side more beautiful because some of the rough edges have been knocked off of that which conceals our inner beauty, allowing more of it to shine through.

    The thing is, even if you were able to escape these people and just be around more agreeable people, how could you possibly grow so well as in your current circumstances…there’s gold in there somewhere, it’s just difficult to reach. I’m reminded of a story I heard about an old Zen monk way back when. He chose to keep an assistant at his side on his travels who was a pain in the backside to put it mildly. Apparently he always insulted him, was defiant etc. Someone once asked him why he would keep such an assistant in his company and he replied that there was no better teacher of tolerance (paraphrased), but you get my point.

    in reply to: Frustration with girls and dating… #69392
    AikiBen
    Participant

    Hi Spidey,

    I’ve been through this myself when I was at college and all through uni- so several years. Since that time I’ve learned how to turn the tables, I went from exactly where you are to having girls addicted to me, yes I appear very arrogant right now saying that, I’m aware of that, but I just want to tell you the truth so you know I’ve been through it and come out the other side successful.

    Firstly, Dude is bang on the money, follow his advice. My intentions were also honourable as you put it, I’m very selective when it comes to women and I was in no way a user of women. There is a logic to women (I learned this from David DeAngelo, so I have to acknowledge him here, you can find his materials online), but it is counter-intuitive. The principle operating in your situation is identical to marketing: people want what they can’t have, it also works the opposite way. I can see you are beginning to grasp this but not putting it into action firmly enough. Do you think it is a coincidence that she suddenly started contacting you after you didn’t talk to her “all spring and summer”?

    You still have a chance with this woman as you haven’t done anything horrendously needy to end all hope, but it is on the edge of a knife. What I would personally do here is not contact her at all now. I think she will initiate contact again in time, not definitely but there’s a good chance. If and when she does, reply but fairly nonchalantly, without being rude though. Just keep your reply short and sweet. If you get this far she will probably suggest meeting up in some way shortly later (again wait for her to contact you!). Say NO to this request! That you’re busy whatever and maybe some other time, but don’t promise anything, that’s it for now. This is the point the tables begin to turn. Again, wait for her to initiate, there’s a very good chance she will later on. If she does then again I’d be quite nonchalant and say I’m busy then, but maybe in two weeks time etc, text me again around that time and maybe we can meet. An excellent thing which David D says it to never give a direct answer to a woman unless it’s “NO”, that keeps the stock prices high so to speak.

    Now, that was the short-term, technique answer. However, all of the above is just technique and you can use it with success with practice, however it is not really authentic- you are acting not-needy but really, inside you are needy, otherwise you literally wouldn’t invest so much of yourself into it. I can tell you that if you just learn the logic and apply it and become successful with women, it will not make you happy. I wish I could make you believe me but there is no way I can, you may have to go through this yourself to know for yourself that this is true. This is the reason I’ve told you the technique, some on here will likely criticise me for doing so because I’m teaching you to not be authentic. The truth is, I’ve told you what to do so that you can walk the path yourself, come out the side, and become a better person because of it. The real answer is I’m afraid, as usual, not a quick fix, the real answer is to address your inner self- to create a strong boundary (you will then naturally be non-needy), how to have strong integrity, keep your power/self-esteem, basically how to become a mature, masculine man. By the way I’m still learning, and I’m not being critical of you here, we are all at our own stage of growth, you are clearly already way ahead of the game compared to many. But if you learn this, think what a gift to a great woman you will be in the future, and a gift to the world! I actually invested in David D’s ‘inner game’ program which is what started me on this path. I can tell you that although it’s a struggle at first, if you commit to it, the results are more than worth it, all aspects of your life will improve!

    This is a highly pervasive issue in modern day society, all the people on dating sites NEEDING a partner (not all admittedly, but many). Feeling complete yourself first is essential. This is also the only way I believe to have a truly healthy relationship because true love is an act of giving, if you come to a relationship to get something, to fill a missing part inside, then it will lead to trouble somewhere along the line. Someone does not complete you, strive to be already complete, then if a relationship comes along it will be the icing on cake- you will already be happy mind, it is doable!. Too many have no ‘cake’ to start with and want someone else to be the cake.

    A pitfall to avoid if you do walk this path is that, you are not trying to make yourself better, but rather learn what it takes to be the real you you are capable of being deep down. For example, rather than feeling all needy around a woman, which consequently prevents you from being yourself, when you lose the neediness (which pushes women away, people in general for that matter), women will feel drawn towards you when you interact with them, it’s surreal when this happens. However, it is important to still keep your integrity at such times, if you feel the woman is not right for you you honour that and do not take advantage of her. Do it if you want and you will feel the consequences of your actions very quickly inside. Anyway, getting ahead of myself here

    Good luck with whatever you decide to do!

    Ben.

    in reply to: Friends with Benefits? #68606
    AikiBen
    Participant

    Hi Anyone,

    From my experience Tina Butterfly is bang on the mark. I think your confusion has arisen because you don’t know that you can trust your feelings? This in itself is a learning process and through discernment of your feelings you can find truth. You already have the answer, “should I maintain my stand and integrity?”. I can tell you this, because I’ve learned the hard way enough times, give away your integrity and you will lose you truth, your authenticity, your self-respect, I have found that if one goes they all go. And you put yourself on a downwards spiral of decline.

    The thing about life is that we often have to experience it ourselves to KNOW. We have to do the thing that is wrong for us to know with unquestionable certainty which decision serves us, and this is how we gain wisdom that we can use for other decisions too. So, I’m not going to say that you should or should not do either action. I’ve said from my experience what it will lead to, but you may still have some doubts in your mind, some “what if both me and the lady above are wrong” in your head, and you may then go against our advice and find out for yourself.

    I think Tina’s advice of seeing him but asserting a strong boundary of what you want and not giving into his own desires will serve you well. If you hold true to yourself, which is very difficult at times, you will sort the wheat from the chaff (find out what this guy is really made of), raise your self-respect and incidentally benefit others along the way.

    All the best,

    Ben.

    in reply to: Am I doing enough? How can a privileged person be moral? #68503
    AikiBen
    Participant

    Hi Joey,

    There are parts that I would agree above and parts that I don’t. Firstly, it’s not YOUR job to fix the world, when you try to take on such a responsibility you will be overwhelmed, which will surely make you feel disempowered, and your ability to bring love into the world will therefore decrease, just using this logic you can know that this approach is not correct. By the sounds of things you are already doing great things. It is important to have your own life together, to be centered yourself, before you can truly help another. From a position of strength you can offer strength.

    By all means, you could go over and help directly (hands-on so to speak), if you think this is the best thing to do, but perhaps you can have more effect, reach more people doing what you’re doing. Slightly contrary to the above, yes, you are already doing very well if you are raising yourself and the few people around you to a higher level, and those effects spread out like a ripple. But of course, some people do effect entire communities, countries, and even the world.

    in reply to: Thought I had it all..but then I lost it overnight #68498
    AikiBen
    Participant

    Hello,

    First of all, congratulations on doing the right thing for yourself and your daughter. Depression is an illness and when you are that low it is easy to delude yourself into blaming certain things as the cause of your depression, i.e. you and your daughter. Perhaps he started to believe the racial prejudice that you faced and bravely overcame. Either way, the only thing that I see you could do is to encourage him to seek help, which it seems you did. You cannot do anymore than that, don’t blame yourself one bit or take on responsibility for how he is feeling, it’s not your fault! Please know this! You can’t persuade him or force him to think differently, no amount of logical reasoning will work against such a person, it will likely just make things worse. The only person ultimately that can make him change is himself.

    A word of caution, I have little doubt that there will come a time in the not so distant future when he will start to miss you and may make demands for you to come back to him or similar. I won’t say not to do this, but be very careful! Do not drop everything if and when the time comes just to be with him again even if he says he’s completely changed and he is so sorry etc. Basically, be careful about making any large investments in him straight away, he may just throw it back in your face shortly after. Your love for him may well make you want to give it all up for him to return back to the way things were, be very careful please! If he ever does wish to see you again then you could always just make a low level investment such as visiting him (for a holiday), it you decide this is right for you. But whatever you do, put yourself and your life and you daughter first, which you are already doing so I don’t need to tell you this, I’m just reminding you so that you remember to remember this if he comes calling you back, because the temptation will be so strong due to your past love.

    Anyway, you really are a great example. I am proud of you for managing to establish, independently, a good life for yourself and your daughter under such circumstances, you are a very strong person.

    Don’t worry, being frightened is OK, it’s natural in such a testing situation. Just know that you are doing the right thing and consequently things will keep getting better for you, it just takes time. The only thing I can say that might help you practically is that whenever you start thinking about the past and your husband and worries, immediately switch your thoughts to your daughter and the life you want to provide for the two of you. Thoughts are unbelievably powerful, the more you think about what is good in your life, the better your life will get, I promise. Try it, you will see…

    All the best,

    Ben.

    in reply to: Present Moment Unsettling #67470
    AikiBen
    Participant

    Hi Kerry,

    You may never read this since the post is from a long time ago, but I just wanted to say I’m sorry for what I said above that you have misunderstood. I spoke from pride and ignorance. The arising of undesirable feelings may be a good sign for all I know, showing you things that you need to confront and deal with in order to move through and grow… but this is only a guess, only you really know.

    Please forgive my past ignorance on this.

    Ben.

    in reply to: Am I the worst person on the planet? #63367
    AikiBen
    Participant

    Hi Mimicus,

    I isolated myself too for most of my college life and a large part of my uni life. I often tried hard to push myself to just go out anyway even though I didn’t want to when I was at uni, and to tell you the truth I’m not sure it really helped all that much.

    Things have only really started to turn around for me in the last few years after leaving uni when I committed myself to getting to the bottom of inner stuff like this so this is all I can recommend really having come from a similar place to where you are at perhaps. Keep searching for answers, for the truth, for freedom. Find what feels like your inner path in life and follow it. For me life keeps getting richer the more I do this.

    All you need to know is this: as within so without.

    Getting the within stuff good takes time and effort but honestly it is as simple (not easy though) as that. There’s no need to confuse yourself trying to workout asnswers to questions and coming up with justifications for: why am I like this? Do I need to change? How can I make this better? Do it if you want but all the knowledge in the world isn’t really gonna help.

    This also doesn’t mean you have to change yourself so you are more beautiful inside, it’s already there, I know that sort of thing’s really annoying to hear, but it’s true, you just need to unearth it from all the mountains of soil you’ve dumped on top (years of analysis, too much thinking, theorising, etc, etc). The unearthing takes time, effort and patience. But what I can say is that I’m starting to see that once you get to a certain point life can become effortless, you can enjoy life a whole lot more, find inner fulfillment like you’ve never experienced. I’ve only had glimpses of this, but even the glimpses have been worth the effort compared to the futility with which so many people are living life. I would say the biggest barrier to reaching this is thinking, too much mind. The main practical thing I can recommend that can help here is meditation and something life yoga/martial arts that are great for getting you out of your mind. As it says in the book The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari, The mind is a wonderful servant but a terrible enslaver, and most people are enslaved by their minds. This website is also a great starting point. One word of caution: just don’t get caught up in the self-help trap of thinking you need to improve yourself which often just causes even more frustration and bad feelings. I’ve found that when I’m able to be in that mindful place that meditation practice allows you to be, or being centered as martial arts can train, that you naturally know the right way to act, that you can act against bad habits quite easily, in other words it’s almost no effort. Most people have grown up to believe that life is a struggle, the more I read what more enlightened people say the more I get the message that actually it doesn’t, the paradox is it takes considerable effort and steely determination to return to that natural state, but it is possible I believe.

    you’ve made a start, now just keep going, no mattter what, you’ll drop the torch sometimes, but just pick it up again at some point and you’ll be amazed at what starts to happen, be a little patient though. Good luck!

    Ben.

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