Anyone,

It seems you have already answered your own question in the first paragraph “It doesn’t remain ‘just a friend’ for me. I have started developing feelings for him. I can’t understand the concept of ‘friends with benefits’”. Nearly always in a friends with benefits situation one person gets hurts and it is never the person who initiated it but the other person who wants more.

If you are worried that you will end up getting hurt take the steps to protect yourself from that. You both get along then why not meet him for a coffee but without the sex afterwards? And take a stand on that, tell him you want to get to know him but without the sex. If he is able to do this with you, you will get a true sense of whether or not he really wants to get to know you/likes you, or if he’s just wanting to get his leg over (so to speak).

From my own experience, a guy will almost never commit in a situation whereby he is reaping all the rewards of a relationship (namely sex), without the headache of a commitment. Respect yourself, set boundaries in what could end up being a toxic situation for yourself and trust that truth and time will tell if this man is really for you.

With warmth,

Tiny Butterfly

Hi Anyone,

From my experience Tina Butterfly is bang on the mark. I think your confusion has arisen because you don’t know that you can trust your feelings? This in itself is a learning process and through discernment of your feelings you can find truth. You already have the answer, “should I maintain my stand and integrity?”. I can tell you this, because I’ve learned the hard way enough times, give away your integrity and you will lose you truth, your authenticity, your self-respect, I have found that if one goes they all go. And you put yourself on a downwards spiral of decline.

The thing about life is that we often have to experience it ourselves to KNOW. We have to do the thing that is wrong for us to know with unquestionable certainty which decision serves us, and this is how we gain wisdom that we can use for other decisions too. So, I’m not going to say that you should or should not do either action. I’ve said from my experience what it will lead to, but you may still have some doubts in your mind, some “what if both me and the lady above are wrong” in your head, and you may then go against our advice and find out for yourself.

I think Tina’s advice of seeing him but asserting a strong boundary of what you want and not giving into his own desires will serve you well. If you hold true to yourself, which is very difficult at times, you will sort the wheat from the chaff (find out what this guy is really made of), raise your self-respect and incidentally benefit others along the way.

All the best,

Ben.

I have been in a lot of turmoil about the whole friends with benefits thing. Here’s my take –

1) Its a purely sexual thing with elements of friendship
2) Its a sexual thing with elements of love

I think you would like it to be something deeper than just sex. My suggestion is, dont mix up friendship and sex – it often leaves one party wanting more from the association. A combination of deep conversation and coitus is quite lethal. In the end though, its all up to you. If you are actually ok with this non-exclusive arrangement, then go ahead but if you are already thinking this much, are you sure you’re really ready?

“Friends with benefits” is a very dangerous situation. Years ago, I was the initiator with one of my friends. We were spending a lot of time together and one night it just happened. We kept sleeping together for over 3 months. A few times, she asked me what we were and every time I told her we were just friends that had sex. I knew she wanted more. One time she tried to hold my hand and I wouldn’t even reciprocate because in my mind we weren’t together. What a horrible person I was! I felt really guilty about how I was treating her and tried to break it off a few times, but then things would just get physical again. Eventually, things died down, but we grew super close as a result and we considered each other best friends. Then she started seeing other people. That’s when jealousy reared it’s ugly head within me and suddenly I realized that I actually truly and deeply loved this girl. But it was too late. She had already moved on. I was heartbroken. So I guess what I’m trying to say is that it isn’t always the case that the one who initially wanted more is the one who ends up getting hurt. I still deal with this pain to this day and it feels deserved because I treated her like shit. It was just hey, free sex you know? But she didn’t deserve to be treated that way. I miss her so much. My advice — stop sleeping together and communicate to him what you really want in this relationship. Be honest with each other. Wish you the best.

Seriously what a weird dude, thank God you ditched him *phew*

I was in a FWB situation for over 2 years. I was happy and sad at the same time as I think in the end I was taken advantage of and he acted like I should have been psychic over all the time we were together. Its sad when a good and caring person (me) is used I feel like. He is now married to the person he said it was over with. So if anyone gets into this, I say turn around and don’t look back as it will turn out with one person getting really hurt as I have. And he owes me money that I so thoughtfully gave him out of the goodness of my heart (very stupid). So thats a lesson learned but not forgotten.

Sounds like a manipulative opportunist…be prepared for the big guns.
Ive had fiends like this.
So long as youre thinking about him, its likely to happen again, and you wont be able to end the cycle.
If you dont want that, then block his number and move forward and onward.
There are plenty of us legit nice guys who know how to treat (and honor) a lady.