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Friends with Benefits?

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  • #68597
    Anyone
    Participant

    Met him 4 years ago at induction of new job for 2 days. He got in touch recently, we met up for coffee on weekend, he came home and we ended up getting physical. I have never had casual sex. It shocked me when he termed it ‘friends with benefits’, never felt so horrible. I am happy otherwise being single and can satisfy myself better than this friend would do. Not to mention, I loathe the fact to have it with a friend! It doesn’t remain ‘just a friend’ for me. I have started developing feelings for him. I can’t understand the concept of ‘friends with benefit’.

    I’m confused, if I should go ahead and just enjoy the moments on weekends and stop thinking much, or I should maintain my stand and integrity.

    Otherwise, he said he wants a long-term relationship and our views matched that life is simple and can be lived happily with small things/pleasures. I could see then that what he wants is same what I’m looking for too. We could as well call it dating, but when he said ‘friends with benefits’, it shook me. When asked if he feels more than a friend for me, he says for now I’m just a friend who he respects.

    I don’t understand if I should proceed and give it a try, he might as well change his mind later, coz he was really interested to meet me. It all went ahead in an impulse, may be mutual liking for each other, but a huge conflict of interest. He keeps pinging me though, which shows that he’s interested in me. I also don’t want to end up hurting myself later.

    He wants to meet me over coffee at least, for he liked talking to me and that I’m a nice person. What next, is bothering me…..

    #68602
    Tiny Butterfly
    Participant

    Anyone,

    It seems you have already answered your own question in the first paragraph “It doesn’t remain ‘just a friend’ for me. I have started developing feelings for him. I can’t understand the concept of ‘friends with benefits’”. Nearly always in a friends with benefits situation one person gets hurts and it is never the person who initiated it but the other person who wants more.

    If you are worried that you will end up getting hurt take the steps to protect yourself from that. You both get along then why not meet him for a coffee but without the sex afterwards? And take a stand on that, tell him you want to get to know him but without the sex. If he is able to do this with you, you will get a true sense of whether or not he really wants to get to know you/likes you, or if he’s just wanting to get his leg over (so to speak).

    From my own experience, a guy will almost never commit in a situation whereby he is reaping all the rewards of a relationship (namely sex), without the headache of a commitment. Respect yourself, set boundaries in what could end up being a toxic situation for yourself and trust that truth and time will tell if this man is really for you.

    With warmth,

    Tiny Butterfly

    #68604
    Inky
    Participant

    I agree with Tiny Butterfly.

    Meet him for coffee. That’s about it. If he mentions “Friends with Benefits” say, “That’s not who I am.” It will probably end things, I’m just warning you, as he had already defined your relationship. Tell him that the fling you had usually goes against your nature, that it was a fluke that you did that with him. Clearly, he is special. But so are you, therefore, casual sex is “Not who I am”.

    #68606
    AikiBen
    Participant

    Hi Anyone,

    From my experience Tina Butterfly is bang on the mark. I think your confusion has arisen because you don’t know that you can trust your feelings? This in itself is a learning process and through discernment of your feelings you can find truth. You already have the answer, “should I maintain my stand and integrity?”. I can tell you this, because I’ve learned the hard way enough times, give away your integrity and you will lose you truth, your authenticity, your self-respect, I have found that if one goes they all go. And you put yourself on a downwards spiral of decline.

    The thing about life is that we often have to experience it ourselves to KNOW. We have to do the thing that is wrong for us to know with unquestionable certainty which decision serves us, and this is how we gain wisdom that we can use for other decisions too. So, I’m not going to say that you should or should not do either action. I’ve said from my experience what it will lead to, but you may still have some doubts in your mind, some “what if both me and the lady above are wrong” in your head, and you may then go against our advice and find out for yourself.

    I think Tina’s advice of seeing him but asserting a strong boundary of what you want and not giving into his own desires will serve you well. If you hold true to yourself, which is very difficult at times, you will sort the wheat from the chaff (find out what this guy is really made of), raise your self-respect and incidentally benefit others along the way.

    All the best,

    Ben.

    #68610
    Anyone
    Participant

    Thank you Tiny Butterfly, Inky and AikiBen for your response.

    In this guy, What was appreciable was that he was upfront with me with what he wanted and not someone who would manipulate to get things done. Also, he said clearly, to be friends and meet over a coffee, for he enjoyed deep conversations with me.

    However, what sends many clues is:

    1) After 4 years, he was bent upon to see me even for an hour, lied to his best friends and came for coffee, which later turned into overnight! Just a friend would do this? and not knowing the person much.

    2) He feels sorry for being too fast with everything that happened and ensures to not come to my place and meet outside.

    3) He will be in different city for the whole week, ready to come over weekend if I’m free, for now I have denied it. And constantly pinging for some or other reason, to be in touch. Does a guy who would just want sex would care to be in touch, could as well be he is needing attention….May be he noticed that I was getting emotionally attached to him and likes to be wanted? Wants to see me on Skype every night. Gets restless until I reply his messages.

    Thank you for reading…

    #68611
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I have been in a lot of turmoil about the whole friends with benefits thing. Here’s my take –

    1) Its a purely sexual thing with elements of friendship
    2) Its a sexual thing with elements of love

    I think you would like it to be something deeper than just sex. My suggestion is, dont mix up friendship and sex – it often leaves one party wanting more from the association. A combination of deep conversation and coitus is quite lethal. In the end though, its all up to you. If you are actually ok with this non-exclusive arrangement, then go ahead but if you are already thinking this much, are you sure you’re really ready?

    #68613
    Anne
    Participant

    Be careful. He says he just wants sex and friendship – he means it. It’s easy to see what we want to see when our own feelings are so strong. Maybe he would also come to believe it if you pushed the point, but it would most likely not last. I strongly suggest setting your boundaries and he will respect that.

    #68620
    ALN
    Participant

    “Friends with benefits” is a very dangerous situation. Years ago, I was the initiator with one of my friends. We were spending a lot of time together and one night it just happened. We kept sleeping together for over 3 months. A few times, she asked me what we were and every time I told her we were just friends that had sex. I knew she wanted more. One time she tried to hold my hand and I wouldn’t even reciprocate because in my mind we weren’t together. What a horrible person I was! I felt really guilty about how I was treating her and tried to break it off a few times, but then things would just get physical again. Eventually, things died down, but we grew super close as a result and we considered each other best friends. Then she started seeing other people. That’s when jealousy reared it’s ugly head within me and suddenly I realized that I actually truly and deeply loved this girl. But it was too late. She had already moved on. I was heartbroken. So I guess what I’m trying to say is that it isn’t always the case that the one who initially wanted more is the one who ends up getting hurt. I still deal with this pain to this day and it feels deserved because I treated her like shit. It was just hey, free sex you know? But she didn’t deserve to be treated that way. I miss her so much. My advice — stop sleeping together and communicate to him what you really want in this relationship. Be honest with each other. Wish you the best.

    #68645
    Anyone
    Participant

    Thank you Moon, Anne and ALN… Appreciate your time and effort to share your views!

    He was desperate yesterday to talk on Skype, once on Skype he started talking that he wants to come to me…I got the point and ignored diverted the topic. He asks me if any guy hits on me, I’m surprised he can laugh it out and not feel an inch of jealousy or disturbance… What kind of human is this?

    While disconnecting he said something and I took the opportunity to tell him upfront, that I don’t understand FWB concept nor I would want to get into it. As I’m only a friend, to have some respect me and treat me like a friend… I’m a human and not an object. Took out all the frustration on him…To end, he says all the best for all future endeavors…Crap! I said I already know this from him!

    This morning, he sends apology message and asking me to acknowledge. Don’t know what exactly he wants.

    #68650
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Seriously what a weird dude, thank God you ditched him *phew*

    #68670
    Anne
    Participant

    I think you DO know exactly what he wants. Look out for sudden declatations of feelings at this point. He won’t necessarily mean to be deceptive, but when the “little brain” takes over… :/

    #68694
    Sally
    Participant

    I was in a FWB situation for over 2 years. I was happy and sad at the same time as I think in the end I was taken advantage of and he acted like I should have been psychic over all the time we were together. Its sad when a good and caring person (me) is used I feel like. He is now married to the person he said it was over with. So if anyone gets into this, I say turn around and don’t look back as it will turn out with one person getting really hurt as I have. And he owes me money that I so thoughtfully gave him out of the goodness of my heart (very stupid). So thats a lesson learned but not forgotten.

    #68737
    Spidey
    Participant

    He was wrong in just going for it and not telling you up front what he wanted, but instead, he did it after the fact playing a mind game with you, and that isn’t cool.

    He should have been straight up with you right from the start before getting physical. This would have dropped any expectations and mixed emotions right from the beginning.

    In your scenario though Anyone, it sounds like you’re uneasy with having FWB and he isn’t. That being said, tell him up front and be honest. If you don’t want it, say it. And if he wanted something more with you he will hang around and respect that decision. If he didn’t, well he will probably just end up stop talking to you. Ultimately, do what your inner voice is telling you to do. And stand by it.

    #68774
    Bluesman
    Participant

    Sounds like a manipulative opportunist…be prepared for the big guns.
    Ive had fiends like this.
    So long as youre thinking about him, its likely to happen again, and you wont be able to end the cycle.
    If you dont want that, then block his number and move forward and onward.
    There are plenty of us legit nice guys who know how to treat (and honor) a lady.

    #68896
    Anyone
    Participant

    Thank you Anne, Sally, Spidey and Bluesman… Appreciate your responses..

    After I lashed out on him, he apologized and said he has high regards for me, and wouldn’t treat me like I thought he was. He said he was ok even if I stop talking to him but since I forgave him, I keeping in touch with him.

    He enjoys conversations with me, ensures to be in touch all through the day…We are trying to know each other well in terms of likes, dislikes, ambitions and views on relationship. He rushes home to video chat with me, gets restless until I turn on my camera… He wishes to spend time with me. As he comes from other city, he wanted to stay at my place. But before I have any confessions of his feelings for me, I don’t want to let him come and sleep with me. Time and again, the answer remains, ‘I’m his friend with whom he is comfortable’, although he ensures to be in touch all day, likes to see me smile… I still don’t get what it is, do guys really take long time to express their feelings? Is he going slow or still being FWB… When confronted earlier, he said he was just being open that he has had that earlier and was not applicable for me. But I clearly remember his words that night when asked ‘what is happening, what is this?’….He said…’It’s infatuation, don’t get carried away’. I was unable to sleep…He said…’It happens, it had happened with me, just close your eyes, stop thinking and sleep’.

    For now, I’m going slow and not expressing anything apart from taking his clues slowly… At this stage, although I can see that he likes me, I have no surety of what’s in his mind…Perplexed!

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