Big Blue,

I enjoy your question, and pardon if I answer it a little backwards. 🙂 To me, the question comes down to morality, such as rules we force ourselves to follow, versus wisdom, such as knowing what is and choosing skillfully.

Consider “don’t punch the kid next to you”, for instance, is a value, moral, a rule that seems helpful. When we’re four, its good to have such rigid structures. “Don’t go near the stove, bedtime, chew your food”, and so on. These lessons build into a morality, a way of moving, choosing.

As we develop, we can trade morality for wisdom. “Right and wrong” dissolve into “true and false”. We don’t have to consider punching our neighbor “wrong” or “bad”, we can simply see how it causes four wounds, so why make that choice? (Fist, neighbor, our mind, neighbors mind). Osho said that being moral is about being alert. When alert to the karma, the effects of our choices, we naturally choose more skillfully. We don’t choose to burn our hand needlessly, so “stay away from the stove” drops as a rule. Etc.

How this ties into romance, and intimate connections, isn’t so much “value conflict”, in my opinion, but rather “different vision”. My teacher advised me that it wasn’t sharing desires, values, or hobbies, (though those help), but rather whether or not the couple is seeing the same basic things. Looking out at a similar world. Mountain to climb? Garden to tend? Rome to conquer? What’s the theme of your song? The flavor of the view?

When the same basic vision is being shared, the wisdom grows in the same direction, and so do the explorers. Value conflicts become simple to compromise, because the core of the intimacy remains stable, fertile.

Namaste, friend, and thank you for all the delicate light you share.

With warmth,
Matt

Flinn,

Beautifully said, brother. The thought of bodhicitta came to heart as I read your words. When we get fed up with our side of an afflictive cycle, we can turn away from it, and as it erodes, make plenty of space to let it go (as we bumble our way onward.) Namaste.

Consider Pema Chodron’s talk about bodhicitta. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DafQYGo3Zkc

With warmth,
Matt

Jara,

Yep, you’re a fool. Acting selfishly, egoism popping out of you, unskillful, putting salt in your cake instead of sugar, and whoa boy, what a cake that makes! Glass of water please?

Consider that in your heart, the salt is not the issue, not really. The “true salt” or “emotional mistake” is actually foolishly thinking that baking a poorly tasting cake makes you less, makes you unworthy of tenderness, of love. Mu, false, garbage. We all mess up, time and time again, can’t be avoided. We have these imperfect maps, you see, and all these emotions and thoughts that make things difficult to navigate.

That’s OK, dear sister, its nothing to be ashamed about. We make mistakes, learn, and grow. They don’t define us, they don’t mean “we are just the kind of person that bakes salt cakes”. Said differently, you’re beating yourself up for things you can’t avoid. How stupid is that?

Consider a different approach. Instead of sitting and stewing in your mistakes, just breathe with them. Don’t hide, cower, shake… just sit, open, look. If you feel you did harm, apologize. If you just flubbed and tittered and blerted, just let it go. Forgive yourself for acting like a fool… if they don’t, that’s their issue, their lack of warm feelings inside them. For us, when we make mistakes and forgive ourselves, accept that inevitable stumbling, they just become information. “Ah, next time I’ll make sure to have my salt and sugar containers labelled”. Or whatever. Who cares? Onward, more to bake, more to learn, new experiences to dance alongside… and here is Jara, growing. What a beauty!

With warmth,
Matt

Lindsey,

In addition to Al’s heartfelt and skillful words, consider that you’ve been up and down a bunch of times. While it may seem depressing to “be here and there”, its actually a prime place to learn the impermanence of emotional states. Consider, sometimes you cry, sometimes you’re fine. It sometimes helps to see them like contractions, such as a big ripple of uncomfortable emotions. Its a good time to breathe, cry, rest, recoup, let the feelings settle. Then it passes, clouds drift away, and the sun starts to shine a little.

Then, even the difficult times can be weathered with hope. “This is just a phase, an emotional blip, better give myself some hugs and grab some tissues. This too shall pass.” Then, your sadness doesn’t have to turn into despair, and little by little the emotions unwind.

With warmth,
Matt

I never thought we weren’t, Lucy! 🙂 Thanks for the kind words.

Yeah, forcing yourself to do most things is wasted effort. Maybe if you were in a really painful cycle (such as injustice-anger), it can help to “murder the causes” or “cut the shit”. Here though, sheesh! The desire is there for a bunch of reasons, and the more you explore those reasons, the more the unhealthy shed and the healthy grow. Like cooking a meal, its easy to tell when there is too much salt, and adjust next time. Find your balance, what makes your heart sing, and you’ll be fine :). Consider the pressure from “omgwhatdoido whatdoido” is just leftover from old baggage, not enough self nurturing,being nurtured by your partner, etc. Don’t believe its immediacy! We do well when we are patient with ourselves, like watching a flower bloom. Rushing only tears at the pedals, which are tender, delicate, whispers of heart that go unheard when our mind gets all blabby.

With warmth,
Matt

Lucy,

In contrast to some of the other sharply aimed advice, consider that there is nothing wrong with your feelings, they just are. Avoiding your feelings isn’t going to work long term, they just get suppressed and lead us to madness. Said differently, here you have a large woosh of feelings, finally, after years of neglect, and your instinct is to hide them, avoid them, remove them. Which makes sense, because who knows if the current interest would be as radiant for you if you didn’t feel so lonely. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that when we get married, we offer to our partner a certain promise of sharing our space. For many, and usually women, their space gets neglected, their desires sacrificed for “the good of the family”. This wears down our relationship with ourselves, getting used to having our desires regarded as “indulgent”, “selfish”. “Should i want this? Should I avoid that? What is expected of me?” Blah, garbage, unneeded.

Consider a different approach. Look at how when the new love interest came along, the slumbering goddess inside you woke up. She received a breath of life, tender attentions, connection, communication… and all your bits came alive, charged. That’s great! Awkward timing, being still married, but better to have an adulterous fling that wakes you up, shakes you down, than to sleepwalk endlessly.

It also makes sense that you need to refriend yourself, find that inner space of “just Lucy” before a long term relationship has the chance of being stable. Not because you “just need to take time away” or “avoid a rebound” or anything like that, those are meaningless. Rather, do you know who you are? Do you know what you like? Do you feel confident that you’re lovable, deserving, as is? These are the things that need exploring before diving in again.

The reason is that because of the loneliness from the years of empty bed, sharing a bed is really vibrant. “Oh, his butt smells, but goodness it feels good to have his naked body here.” or “Well, he’s racist, but sees my beauty.” These compromises, these “well, yes, but…” get in the way. Setting you up for a “new boss just like the old boss”. Said differently, instead of accepting you like a clean smell, and standing up for that desire, such as “if you want to lay in bed with me, wash your butt”, the grief and loneliness push us to be silent, just accept it, just sacrifice our desire. Then, the whole time you’re smelling the butt smell, less present, less happy, pull away, etc.

However, when you can make good friends with yourself, come to see yourself as happy, content, then the other things happen without all that pressure. As you shuck the cheaty husband and let go of the sensual rebound, you’ll still be there, learning who you are, what you like. That’s good! That’s what helps you find what you’re looking for, leads you down your path. The secret is that while the husband neglected (and the lover inspired) that inner goddess, you’re it. You’re the nexus, the center, the source. All that joy and beauty, the love and romance… all inside you, part of you. Not them, it doesn’t belong to them, its not theirs, they don’t give that to you. Its inside you, because of the curious, because of the exploring, the break from routine. But we don’t need a partner for that… we can open up our eyes to our own light, and find our way.

Practically, this happen by exploring our desires. What are you interested in? If you love to skydive, for instance, then meeting the skydiving with the goddess exploring brings the same sense of “whoosed Lucy” that he does now. Intrepid, smiling, learning… what a blessed journey! Then, being with a partner is a fun addition, but unnecessary. And, it makes all your other desires easier to accept. Such as “hey, that was a lot of fun parachuting with you, but would you take a shower? You stink.” Not “I don’t want to ruin our moment by talking about what I like/dislike/need/want.” Just “that was great, and now we are here, so what is here? What would we like to do next?”

Namaste, dear sister, may you find your desires, open to them, and see them fulfilled.

With warmth,
Matt

Plaedes,

Whew! The fearlessness you show in sharing this story is quite remarkable. It seems to me like you’re in your egg, pressing against the outside shell looking for a way to hatch. Sounds good to me! A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Good god, man, you need to get out of your head. Consider for a moment, you and I are buddhas, champions, heroes, sitting down at a table together. Vibrant inner peace, light shining from our heads, smiling at one another. Then, on the table, sitting between us is everything you just wrote. Those mental cycles, spinning, seeking, craving… looking for keys, how to tear down walls, how to find joy. Like a tangled mess of threads all wound up tight, it just sits between us.

Now, I’ve noticed that you try to trace threads through the maze, the balled tangle, and you get lost inside. Anyone would. Some of those threads dive deep into painful emotions, which is also very normal. The problem isn’t the tangles, we all have those. The problem is that you forget you’re a darn Buddha. You lose the faith, hope, knowing, that inside you is an alert witness that is simple, content. Today’s meal full of all sorts of nourishment, some painful, some pleasant, but what a journey!

Said differently, your self diagnosis throws all these reasons, rationalizations, judgments… spreading out into your family, yourself, your company, your ancestry, and on and on. This is not your problem. Your problem is “racing mind” or “unfocused mind”. Consider that when you’re meditating now, its reaching for something. Peace, solutions, a “new you”, a “different view”. Still running, following threads, never just sitting. I mean, you’re sitting, but you’re not making the space to just-sit. Setting down the past, letting it go, not “forever”, just exactly “for now”. Letting go of the need to see a different future. Not “cease all dreams forever”, but rather exactly “for now”. Carve out a little space.

Then, when your butt goes on the cushion, just sit with the breath. Not for any specific reason, but just because your body needs rest. Awareness needs a chance to back away from the table of tangles, and just be awake. Just breathe.

This won’t make your issues with dad or business or yourself magically fixed, but it will give you a better stable ground to build from. Not “oh my goodness, I’m so broken, wah wah wah”, but rather “ouch, this hurts, what’s wrong, what do I do differently?”. A simple puzzle, brother, but the added painfulness (anxiousness giving a feeling of being lost or incapable) makes it much more difficult to navigate.

Next, consider that we have a fundamental ignorance on how to find balance. Your screw ups are not only OK, they’re fucking inevitable. Most if not all of us stumble a bazillion times along the way, and it was unjust of your dad to treat you in such a way. But dads are dads, have their own burdens, are imperfect, and so on. Let it go! Your dad doesn’t see it perhaps, but that doesn’t make it any less true. Right?

Finally, consider taking up a metta meditation practice. When our light has burned low, dear brother, we need to refuel. We can help our body heal its stress by intentionally thinking about happiness for ourselves and others. Buddha taught that the mind grows concentration quickly when it cultivates metta, and other teachers describe a smooth and peaceful quality to mind as we practice. It very directly helps to open up that space of inner ground, where the tender shoots of joy can take root inside us. Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube, if interested.

Namaste, brother, may your fields come alight as you practice.

With warmth,
Matt