Cool,

In addition to the other kindly and pertinent words, consider that accepting that we act unskillfully when in pain is part of finding peace of mind. You’re far from a monster. A monster would never worry that he was a monster.

With warmth,
Matt

Crissy,

I’m deeply moved by your response, and your gratitude was clear ringing as a bell. You’re welcome, and I am glad we connected! A few things came to heart as I read your words.

In terms of holistic health, it really depends on what speaks to you. Its said that selenite crystals resonate with an angelic healing energy, and when I used to feel isolated and down, I would hold one in each hand and did feel the emotion settle. Over time, as I began to meditate more frequently, they became unnecessary as Buddhist styles of meditation are very profoundly helpful in settling emotions. Depending on how thick the icky is, it might help you get started (like crutches for a sprained ankle.)

Another thing that might really help is if you become a reiki healer. With traumas like ours, there are sometimes lots of root, sacral and crown chakra issues that being able to self soothe with direct energy healing is beneficial. Or, you can lightly trace spirals with your finger tips (almost not touching the skin) around your legs, pelvis, navel and head. This can help areas we’ve put to sleep to protect ourselves. If you have a partner, and you have a stable intimacy, they could also do that for you. Reiki would personally be my first choice however, and the method would be taught during the class.

As for the self sabotaging, that means different things to different people. There are some great books out there on positive self talk. If you’re referring to the all or nothing perfection or worthless behavior, that’s a vacillation that will dismantle as the patterns of shame dismantle. Said differently, when we have a block in our crown, instead of feeling confident humility no matter what result we see, we vibrate between shame (when we feel we failed/dislike the results) and pride (when we feel we succeeded/like the results). The pride/shame knot inhibits the nourishment we get from our creation. I don’t want to dive too deep into all of that, its already a lot to take in! 🙂

Remember to be patient. You’re worth taking the time to heal, and step by step the clouds will part. The sun shines, the rain falls, the grass grows, the flowers bloom. Namaste.

With warmth,
Matt

Victoria,

You ask some great questions! I like the way you’re approaching this from “what can I do from my side” instead of trying to change your mom. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

If only our parents were perfect, eh?

The fact is that they are people. When I was in my twenties, I also had difficulty letting go of the difference between who my mom was and what I wished I had as a mother. Said differently, as I grew into a more compassionate person, and started connecting with very loving and nurturing women, I felt a feeling of loss at what I missed out on. There were a couple things that lead me settle the attachment.

The first was that if I had a mother who acted differently, I would not be the man that I am. It reminds me of the zen saying “perhaps your only purpose is to serve as a warning to others” :). When we see the difference between what we had and what we can now create, there is so much more appreciation for what we have. It is like people who are raised in poverty have a much greater appreciation for whatever wealth they have, and do not take the good things in life for granted.

If you are aligned to with views of reincarnation and life plans and so forth, consider that your mom came before you as agreed, and shouldered a lifelong burden of mental illness to provide the perfect conditions for Victoria to open up and appreciate the beauty of life. What a gift she gave to you!

With this view, all we really need to do is let go of the agitation we feel when we experience their patterns. Said differently, if you can have a view of unconditional acceptance for the sacrifice of you mom, all that is left is really putting that into practice.

There is no tool I have found that rivals metta practice for soothing agitations. Metta is a label Buddhists use for unconditional positive regard, or loving-kindness. What we do is a few moments of breathing meditation to calm the mind, and then bring in something we find it easy to feel warm toward. Kittens, children, trusted friends, etc. As we envision one of those, we sit and notice the warmth in our our chest and sit with it. Just noticing the warmth is good, we don’t have to do anything with it, we are just nourishing the roots of our kindness. After 5-10 minutes of sitting with the warmth, you can envision your mom as a child playing with some toys. Imagine your warmth spreading around her, and wishing for her to keep that loving innocence around her. Look at her and wish, like a silent observer, that you could help her grow up happy and peaceful. Let the sorrow come in, knowing that her life will be hard for her, and picture your love surrounding her difficulties and pains. If the warmth fades, you could perhaps love back to the kittens or friends, and wish for their well being.

After only a few weeks of this kind of practice, most of the agitation will disappear. In its stead will be Victoria’s heart shining strong, grateful and helpful… accepting of mom’s barbs and hooks, selfishness and mindlessness. After all, despite being your mom, she is also part of our human family, all trying our best to dance and play during the short time we’re alive.

With warmth,
Matt

Crissy,

I am so very sorry for all you have been through. My heart goes out to you, deeply and full of sorrow that a dear sister has been wounded in such a way. One of the hardest things for us to accept is how terrible things happen to great people, and as we encounter one another, all we can do is weep for the past and offer our love.

I was also molested as a child, and there are some things that I learned about healing from it that came to heart as I read your words. Take heart, because the path of healing is one you’re already walking, and for me at least, freedom was only a few key ideas away… and with courage to jump off of an old cliff into a new view, healing is like one beautiful fruit after another.

For me, at least, the most challenging obstacle was shame. As I would sit in a group of people and watched how they interacted, I would feel isolated… like I had a dark secret that prevented me from being myself around them. Almost like my experiences were some kind of disease that I was afraid I would spread if I opened myself up to them. I would compensate by being “reactionary” or playing with the ideas they brought up, but never exposing myself. For fear for them, and for fear of me. Could they really accept someone as broken and abused as I?

This knot of view/action comprised what one of my teachers called my “shame core” and was difficult to untangle. It sapped my confidence and destroyed my inner peace. Almost as if I was forcing myself to live with armor that was always on. The first untangling happened when I realized that what had happened to me was not sex.

My teacher helped me see what sex was. Its a moment of love and connection between two people. That it was a sacred act of beauty, and full of togetherness and wonder, exploration and pleasure. Even though I had been penetrated, it was not sex… it was something else.

The shame was being fueled by my body’s reaction to abuse. Even though my mind knew something was wrong, my body enjoyed it. There was pain involved, but there was also a lot of pleasure. I would even seek my abuser for more! As I grew up and realized what had happened, I had a difficult time forgiving myself for acting in such a way. For me, this was the center of the knot. How could I accept that I initiated acts of penetration and still call it abuse?

My teacher very gently explained that it was very common in victims of sexual abuse. Even though it was painful and demeaning to the spirit, it was a connection. It was something I knew I could do right. This tied it into my self esteem, and self identity.

As I opened up to others, and shared my story with close friends (after carrying it around like a weight for a long time) I was surprised at the responses. They would throw their arms around me and cry. They would show amazing sympathy, and I began to realize that the past did not define who I was, and I was not alone.

I wasn’t a little kid anymore, unable to escape or find my way home. I was an adult, with the ability to say no, to ignore critics, to walk away from the past and move on. I have the memory of what feels wrong (even when at the physical level it feels pleasurable) and through it have a knowledge and intuition of what feels right.

I don’t know how much of my struggle relates to yours, but I can say with absolute certainty that you are neither alone or unlovable. On the contrary, you are very, easily, lovable. And there are many people who have been through similar experiences, and who know the feeling of isolation.

The second knot was boundaries. As you noted, people might “walk all over us”. It up to us to understand and set boundaries. In the past, we may have had no escape, and perhaps it was less dangerous for us to let go and have no boundaries. That was fine for then, but not now! Now we are older, capable and safe. It is actually quite helpful for others when we set them, because it gives people a way to relax and trust. Said differently, when we are clear about what we do like and do not like, other people don’t have to waste energy trying to guess.

The path of healing these knots (as opposed to just seeing them) is all about the courage to be honest. Brene Brown has a great TED talk about the power of vulnerability which I highly recommend. Another I reccomend is a movie called “Lars and the Real Girl”.

Essentially, when we are in a situation or conversation, we surrender into our spontaneous creativity. Said differently, we open up by talking about what comes into our heart and mind, and learn very directly that others not only accept us, and love us, but that what we have to say is part of the divine love that we are seeking. Fear arises when we feel disconnected, but the solution is to say “yes, that’s fear” and jump anyway. Consider that courage can only arise in the presence of fear. After we jump in a few times, we become almost fearless, because even if the exchange goes poorly, we feel content that we tried our best… and it feels waaay better to try and fail than to sit and wallow in the feeling of isolation. Especially when our creativity is nurturing to others, because we’ve seen the ick in this world and can surrender into unconditional love for self and others… knowing that healing and peace is available for all.

Have hope, Crissy. Now that the external circumstances are more settled, the internal circumstances will also settle. Keep jumping, keep asking, and know you are loved. As we open up and speak from the heart, the dissatisfaction or “tastelessness” erodes and we are left with a view that shines like the sun. And, if I missed with these words, disregard any of them. 🙂 Or, feel free to ask other questions, both myself and this community are full of innovations and ideas that help with even the most oddly challenging puzzles. Buddha said that community is critical to development, because it is often easier to see others’ difficulties than our own. Namaste.

With warmth,
Matt

Caitlyn,

As an Aries, perhaps it is quite a challenge to do nothing! 🙂 Audette’s words resonate well with the internal stuff, but then again you also want to hang out peacefully with them. Perhaps the mars-warrior-leader inside you would do well to “fight them with kindness”. If you can see their lack of acceptance, and accept it, then their barbs won’t hurt. “I accept you and your lack of acceptance, its your thing, not mine.” My understanding of aries’ patterns are limited, but proactive is an understatement. 🙂

Buddha took this same approach with a man who approached him with anger. The Buddha smiled and explained that the mans anger was his, it did not belong to the Buddha, and so why would there be anything but a smile?

With warmth,
Matt

E,

I really like your question “is it part of our nature”! The answer is both yes and no.

The first step in understanding the reason its yes and no is to realize that there is a real gravity to our addictions. Said differently, in your mind, the ideas around “boyfriend” and “romantic fulfillment” and “what happened” actually suck you into them. There are components to the gravity, but seeing it is necessary. Being free requires effort, and flying is about breaking gravity. We have to realize that our brain runs away, and even convinces us we’re doing good work in following the gravity. Here we see the answer yes, it is part of our nature. Our life is rich with suffering, which is the first noble truth Buddha taught.

However, he also discovered that the gravity is impermanent, that it is only ignorance which sustains the habit. When we begin to relate to and feel the gravity directly, we can begin to let it go. John gave those keys already, in rightly suggesting you sit and feel the energy in your body right now. And right now. And right now. The gravity erodes as we stop thinking “it is unavoidable” and recognize that “it is subject to ceasing”. Said differently, if you stop believing that the man is the cause of the gravity, and recognize that your habit IS the gravity, it becomes a simple (but difficult) matter of moving your mind away from the object of your obsession and back into your body. Not “boyfriend->breakup->what did I do->how could he->etc etc”. Instead, “boyfriend->breakup->wait, here is the cycle->what was the teaching?->oh yes, breathe and feel the energy in the body”. Then the mind detaches from the cycle and erodes the gravity.

With practice, the habit erodes. So here the answer is no, suffering is not part of our nature inherently. It is just sustained through our ignorance of the cycle. This is part of our nature. Buddha said that we have a fundamental ignorance, that we are born without the skill to use our mind instead of being used by it. The seed of knowing is also part of our nature. Namaste is “the Buddha in this body bows to the Buddha in that body”. Said differently, “because we know all have the ability to awaken, my awake parts call to your awake parts and together, we grow”.

Namaste, E!

With warmth,
Matt

Jetta,

You’re already doing something, you’re looking! It sounds like you’re in an information gathering stage, which is great. Consider just doing that, looking. When you experience your partner, what feelings arise in you? What thoughts? Honor those, there is a lot of information there!

In the meantime, perhaps you could be more assertive in setting boundaries. Its possible he’s not toxic, just ignorant. If you say “I do not like those words/actions, they leave me feeling icky” does he respond lovingly? Does he just steamroll you and your desires?

Your input is not only worthy of both of your attention, it is critical. Some people need others to be direct in their approach to boundaries, or they feel the need to be in control and “save people” from themselves. If you are trying to set boundaries and your partner is unable or unwilling to listen, it may be time to move on. Intimacy cannot survive without them, and intimacy is far to beautiful to forsake.

With warmth,
Matt

Shampayne,

I can understand and relate to the difficulties that you’re having with the unknown future and the unknown present. I’m impressed by how much you’re examining the difference between your actions and your feeling of potential, and the wish to balance “giving back enough” with “not being stretched too thin” is one of the most common difficulties. There is a way to sort this all out, and you’re already doing well at getting your mind moving in a good direction. 🙂

I know you feel lost in this moment, but that is actually such a great place to be, especially at your age. What you’ve done in broken free from the social norms around you and started looking inward. Amazing for someone so young! Unfortunately, you’re also only 18, which means your brain is still growing and developing… so wisdom is more difficult now than it will be in another 6-10 years. As the frontal lobe finishes it growth, cause and effect become more clear.

It can often be helpful if we don’t just look at “our FUTURE” because it gets really overwhelming really fast. One of my teachers suggested it is better to break it up into small pieces and write it down. For instance, if you look at “school” and simply write down, brainstorm, what your desires are, you won’t have to keep it in your head anymore. When we don’t write down or draw out our vision, we become afraid we will lose a part of it, so we try to keep it alive by hanging on. This is like having an unsaved project on the computer that if we do not have it saved we feel despair if we lose power. The problem is that the desires take up space, which we have to use energy to maintain. If we write them down, the mind can relax.

With your family, are they frustrated that you’re not working? Have your parents indicated that it would be helpful to get a job? Have you spoken with them about your fears of being stretched too thin and not being able to focus enough energy on school? What are your parents hopes for your contribution to the family? Are they satisfied with you? Do they want more?

I felt the call to put those ideas out first, because it seems like at the very manifest level of your life they seem to be the most direct. However, there is also a basic strategy or method of working with ourselves that could help you regain some vitality and energy. Being 18, you might not be able to see it, but I’ll do my best to explain, and you do your best to see. 🙂

Imagine for a moment that you have 10 dollars (your basic vitality) to invest. In the moment you wrote the post for instance, you had 2 bucks invested in comparing yourself to societies portrayal of kids your age. 3 bucks invested in worrying about your contribution to family. 1 bucks invested in tinybuddha. 3 bucks invested in worrying about your ability to create your dreams. 1 dollar was invested in your basic faculties such as breathing, seeing, hearing and so on.

What some have found is that all of the joy we need is actually found in that final “faculties” investment. When we have all our money (attention) spread thin, we are not receiving the energy that is available to us. Different teachers have said it in different ways, but when we bring our attention back into the faculties, we regain our sense of power and beauty.

Jesus said that all of the energy is to be found in the day to day activities. Buddha said that the other investments are created by attachments (our mind getting sucked into them by force of habit), and the payoff is dissatisfaction. The solution is to know thy self, or bringing enough of your attention back into the present moment that we have the energy to overcome the other questions without much difficulty.

To do this, we can meditate, which is a moment in time that we allow all of our attention to become invested in the body. Ajahn Jayasaro has a great video on YouTube called “counting breaths” which is a simple and quite effective method. It makes all the difference in the world, because we become aware of how we are investing our energy. Said differently, we become exhausted by “trying to be someone” and regain it when we recognize that we already “are someone”.

In the Zen tradition, it is often said that in order to awaken we have to drop the personality and realize we are who we are. For instance, you’re concerned you’re not doing enough for the family, that you should be getting a job, that you should be doing more, afraid you’re a burden, setting a bad example for the younger sibling(s) etc etc. It is enough to know you’re concerned. It might even be enough to simply say “I am concerned” because then you are poised to answer the question “is it right that I am concerned? How can I resolve the concern?” As you find out your parent’s hopes for you, you can then decide if the concern is something to let go of, or if your mom could really use more help. Either way, the concern settles. Does that make sense to you?

It is very common to be fearful of the future, especially during big changes like moving from high school to college. I’m excited and impressed by the way you’re relating to your life, and have confidence in your future. The unknown is always upon us, and the more directly we accept that it scares us, the easier it is to pilot our way through. Do you see how amazing you are? Probably not, but I do. 🙂

With warmth,
Matt