Hi Stuck,

First of all, as someone who is hugely familliar with the pain of infidelity, my heart bleeds for you. I’m so sorry for what you are experiencing. Secondly, my advice to you is to move on. The lack of respect he has exhibited for you is reason enough and, if it happened once already, you can bet your buttons it’ll happen again. It’s up to you but I urge you to ask yourself whether this is something you can live with in a partner for the rest of your life.

Best,

Ashley

Hi There Tsukushim,

First of all, I heartily disagree that you need to spend the next few decades of your life sacrificing your happiness because that’s “whats best for the kids”. That’s old wisdom that came from a much different time and doesn’t fully apply to life today. What kids need to see is love and cohesion, yes, but there are about a million ways to create that and, should you stay with this man and continue to feel the way that you do today, there’s going to come a time when they get a little older and go “Wow, our parents are in a loveless marriage.” I, for one, think that’s more damaging than just about anything else.

That said, it seems like you have a two options: you can leave right now or you can fight a little more for your space and see if that makes you feel any different. The fact that he is refusing you weekend trips and time alone is incredibly dangerous. Most likely, he is afraid of being abandoned and, because of that, he’s trying desperately to cling to you which, of course, only drives you further away. If there’s any part of you that believes this relationship is salvageable or even wants to salvage it in the first place, I’d recommend maybe going to counseling together and being really insistent about your need to spend some time alone doing things you love. You don’t have to go places your crush is going and I’m sure you could find a friend of family member to help him with the kids if he is uncomfortable with you taking them. In any event, he needs to release the death grip or he is going to poison just about everything between you two. On the other hand, you could leave right now and it does seem like there is a large part of you that wants to do that. If that’s the case, that’s an entirely valid decision and you should not feel ashamed or cowed about it. As long as you continue to model stability, love, grace, dignity and respect in your own life and keep things as civil as possible between you and him, they’ll grow up knowing what strength looks like, which is really a better example to set than teaching them to grow up believing that it’s healthy or acceptable to stay for years in a relationship that makes you unhappy. All the best to you. Please keep us posted.

Ashley

Dear Funsized,

My mother is going through the same thing. 6 months ago she was laid off from her job of ten years and since then she’s sent out hundreds of resumes, attended dozens of interviews, gone to job fairs, learned new computer skills, etc, etc. and still no luck. I know it can be difficult to be in that situation but the best you can do is keep your head up and keep plugging. Use the newfound free time to do something you enjoy and take on side gigs for money, if needed. Something will turn up sooner or later.

Best,

Ashley

Britt,

Once upon a time, I met a man I quickly developed feelings for. He was tall, handsome, witty, capable and fun to be around. We began a relationship and it quickly blossomed. We spent all of our free time together and things got heated pretty quickly. About four months after we met (we kept our horses at the same barn) I heard a friend of his mentioning his wife and….wait for it….child. I was within earshot and, although he abruptly switched topics, he knew I had heard the conversation. Later, I confronted him about it and he said that he hadn’t told me because he cared about me and didn’t want to scare me off…etc.etc. and that it was no big deal because they were in the process of getting divorced. Their baby was five months old at this point (which obviously means we had gotten together immediately after its birth) and both the wife and child were across the country. I was horrified but, since I liked him, I continued the relationship with him, trusting that what he was telling me was true and that all would be well.

I was wrong. I spent about a year with him and over the course of that year, he slept with numerous other women (his wife included), he lied in ways I didn’t realize were humanly possible, he raged at me for asking questions, and he effectively banged my heart up and made it really difficult to have a normal relationship for several years after that. I stayed with him because he told me what I wanted to hear — that he loved me and that I was “the one” (for what it’s worth, he got back together with his wife and had two more children with her) and that things would work out between us if I could only be patient. Because I was young and ill-equipped and struck dumb by the absurdity of the situation, I stayed and I waited and I put myself entirely on the back burner in order to make an impossible relationship work. I blew off my family and my friends. I treated myself and my life terribly and, in the end, all the pain was redoubled because I hadn’t just walked away when I first heard about that wife and that baby girl. If I have one major regret in life…it is that relationship.

So…here’s my advice to you. Run away and do it now. I know that you have feelings for this man but there is no good that can come of this. Relationships (the good ones) are built on honor, integrity, trust and mutual respect. Not only has this man shown you none of these things but I doubt whether he is actually capable of showing ANYONE these things. The fact that two other women have divorced him is evidence enough of this. In deference to yourself, your self-respect and the state of your heart, hit the road and do it fast. You’ll look back later and be grateful.

Also, please reach out to me if you want to talk about these things. I know where you’re at and I know how difficult it is. You have my thoughts and my support as well as my staunch urging…leave. Now.

Best,

Ashley

Hi Brandon,

First of all – have you ever considered talking to a therapist about this? I used to struggle with major anxiety issues (and, to some extent, I still do) and after several years I found a very sweet therapist who was able to give me some great tools to handle my anxiety.

You mention your mind wandering “like a runaway train” which sounds VERY familiar 😉 I’ve been there! And one of the greatest tricks I learned back then is this: start thinking of your thoughts as cars zipping past on a busy highway while you stand on the shoulder. You don’t have to attach yourself to every single one. Our minds are inherently busy places and learning to observe our thoughts as they appear and as they pass ultimately leads us to a greater peace of mind. The motive isn’t to stop having these thoughts entirely, only to stop getting drug around by them, which is what we achieve when we learn to let them go. I found this particularly helpful when working through a time of immense anger in my life. Every single day, I would find myself being drug off by feelings of resentment, anger, hurt and indignation and every single day, for months, I let these feelings land me in a really uncomfortable emotional place. When I finally learned to see them and then let them go I was able to experience those same feelings of anger but, instead of getting all indignant and upset, I could simply say “I feel angry”, accept it for what it was, and then let it go.

I think the same might help you when you feel anxious. Please keep us posted on your progress and all my best to you.

Ashley

Hi Dinosaurcharlie,

First of all – oof…what a blow to the heart. It’s tough to embed a portion of your happiness in trusting someone only to have them sort of yank the rug out from under you. The bottom line is that it will either work or it wont and only 50% of it is up to you. Do the work you feel compelled to do to fight for your relationship, by all means, but also be aware that it may not be the right time for him. You can be beautiful, loving, expansive, generous and patient and, regardless of what he chooses to do in the end, you will be better for your efforts.

If there’s anything I’ve learned in my life it is that we cannot force other people to be where we are. We cannot force other people into the relationships we believe they are capable of having.

If I may recommend some reading…go find “This is Not the Story you Think it is: A season of unlikely happiness”. My dear friend Laura wrote this book about a very similar period of uncertainty in her marriage (Husband of 20+ years comes home one day and tells her he doesn’t love her anymore) and how she learned to cope with it by creating beauty, caring for herself and trying her best to detach from the outcome.

All my best to you, friend. Please keep us posted.

Ashley

Hello Strawberry,

I can imagine your pain and i understand that it can be difficult to let go of something so easily.

I am pretty sure that you would be able to overcome this pain in yourself, try your best to get yourself detached to him and the first step certainly would be to not be around those things that remind you of him.

I believe small steps like these can be a huge difference and I hope it makes a difference to you too. 🙂

Ashley
http://www.thegirlinlongshorts.com

Hello corwe,

You story looks interesting.

If a girl teased you saying that she loves you, then even if she was not serious , she must have had some soft corner for you. Else she would not have teased you like that.

Now that even you like her, go ahead and text her and be friends with her first. You must give a try before assuming that you dont deserve her.

Good Luck!!

Ashley