Hi Kate,

You’ve got alot of great support here! What you’ve just been through is so gut-wrenchingly painful that it is blinding. I know this. Many of us know this. The compounded feelings of betrayal, love, heartbreak and shock make for a deadly emotional cocktail that levels even the best among us and I truly admire you for being able to stand up underneath the weight.

The unfortunate thing about relationships like this one is that the half-life of that type of love is often forever. What you feel and felt for that man was a complex cocktail of things and I’m willing to be that there is a piece of you that will always feel the wound of this…although I promise you it will NOT always be this grotesquely painful. Eventually, this will dull to be a spot that hurts when you poke it, yes, but not a spot that informs your daily life. For right now, take care of yourself, do all of the things your logical brain tells you to do, treat yourself as if you are breakable and try like hell to care for your own soul. You got dealt a hard blow, lovely, but you’ll come out of it one day and you’ll be better, stronger, broader and kinder than you were before. XO and all of my best,

Ashley

• This reply was modified 9 years, 9 months ago by tinybuddha.

Hi wow90,

I can totally relate to you here. Although I didn’t have the same upbringing you did….I had a really impactful relationship a few years ago that left me with the same feelings. The guy was really pretty awful to me…I do think he actually loved me, but he was way too wrapped up in his own process to really be decent to anyone else and, long story short, he treated me like dirt most of the time. Regardless of that truth, I still find myself fantasizing about him, wishing I would run into him so he could see how awesome I am…or something like that. It’s a really interesting mental phenomena and it almost feels like an out of body experience. When I find myself in these moments, I have to actually turn myself inward and say “Okay, Ashley, that’s not reality. Let that one go.” and it helps…it really does.

That said, It’s impressive that you recognize this habit as unhealthy. That alone will take you a long way in terms of healing. The best advice I can offer you is to treat yourself like a scared kid…acknowledge what you’re doing, acknowledge WHY you’re doing it, and then pay attention to what is at the root of all of it. Do you feel the need to be validated by others? Are you insecure? Are you desperate for love? I’ve felt all of those things so this isn’t designed to shame you. The most important part is to treat the cause. Only then will those fantasies begin to stop since, really, they’re merely symptomatic of something deeper. Hope this helps. Keep us posted.

Ashley

• This reply was modified 9 years, 9 months ago by tinybuddha.

Helen,

Unfortunately, your story is one that many young people can relate to today. We live in really frightening times and “Certainty” as our parents and grandparents knew it is sort of a thing of the past. This forces us to be innovative (hence the huge prevalence of start-ups, creative firms and small businesses) but it can still be very frightening to jump fully out of something that seems safe (your job) even if it is causing you great discomfort. I also work a job that I really dislike (a legal assistant in a law office). Although I don’t find it fulfilling or interesting and there are about 27,000 things I would rather do with my time, I am able to see this well-paying job as a means to an end. For example, I am currently working and, during my down time at work and free time outside of work, building a blog and working on writing the book I have always wanted to write. This allows me to make peace with my job as I know it is simply a stepping stone that is allowing me to write, create and reach people on the side. Eventually, my goal is to quit the day job and work full time in more fulfilling pursuits. Maybe you can work on your music more on the side or join a community group that fosters that passion, even if you can’t afford to leave your office job right this minute. In the meantime, save money, plan your escape and…most importantly….give yourself a timeline! If it is really negatively impacting your mental health…just get out. Nothing is worth that. Find a different job that is more in line with what you want to do or at least one that does not impose so much anxiety. Your sanity is worth protecting, my friend. I hope this helps. Please keep us posted.

Ashley

I agree with coachjim here. Happiness is a choice and it grows when we consciously choose to water thoughts of optimism, loving kindness and discretion. I’ve been researching happiness a great deal lately for a book I’m writing and what I’ve learned has been incredible. Essentially – a great deal of our happiness is determined by genetics and a great deal is determined by recent life events (a marriage, a new job, a move, etc.) but there is a small (but hugely influential) percentage that is totally dependent upon us: how we think, the choices we make, how and with whom we choose to spend our time, etc. This means that we can literally alter our baseline happiness by focusing on upward mobility in these things. Great news for anyone who has ever experienced a psychic dry spell or a deep depression (Such as myself). Thanks for the great input, folks. I love this feed!

Ashley

Hello,

I read your post and I am sorry to hear about what you’ve been going thru.

You certainly did dodge a bullet and yet stand low but you’re not OUT. Remember, difficult times come – but they GO too.

He was a “Grey” in your life, you now have the opportunity to fill it up with Color. Remember, Life is beautiful and it is inviting you to be a part of it. GRAB IT! (with both hands) 🙂

Remember, you are a very strong women and you can come over this.

Ashley

Hello,

I read your post with great interest and attention and would like to suggest the following.

It is obvious for her to be attached to her family and Im glad to know that you are supportive of it.

Give this relationship some time and let her make up her mind on this. If she decides to come over to the US then things will be back on track, but if (I hope not) it is negative – then try to speak to her to understand how much she wants to stay. And if it turns out that she really has made up her mind, then its better to move on and end this one beautifully.

Hope this helps.

Ashley

Hi Lexy,

I think you’ve got some great advice here. Do the best you can until it’s time to move on. there is honor in fulfilling your obligations well. Best,

Ashley