Dear JessicaEmily,

It was not bad luck that you were born into such a horrible situation. That was just life. What was good luck is that you still seem sane and able to cope (for now). Buddhism might have helped you transition from a bad situation. What you might need now is (and I can not believe I am saying this), is to take up a self defense course. This is to develop a sense of self that is in charge, in control. It makes standing up for yourself as an ability rather than a stance against fear. It is okay to fight fear but better when there is something to back it up. I do not advocate fighting but defense. Buddhist monks in China had Kung Fu to help them keep fit for those long hours of meditation. It also made it easier to not be mistreated.

Please do not listen to any one who points their crap at you. Meaning, it doesn’t matter what you eat or drink. A dog should not be attacking you. No excuses. You deserve respect. Oh, how I wish I could have given this advice when you needed it instead of years later.

No, no one is prone for a life of bad luck. Change yourself and the world will change also.

Dear Helcat,

That does sound true. But if one achieves stillness then what? It can’t be just to find the stillness. Something else has to arise from this not just stillness. Moving one’s center from this chaotic mind to the stillness should provide more than calm. Not that in practice, we look to achieve anything. And anything achieved would become meaningless unless we learn and understand the truth of the Buddha nature. That the thing that is me is the same thing that is you.

I am sorry if I sound confused. Lately, anytime I wake in the night, I spend some time sitting up with my eyes closed and watching my breath. It doesn’t make for much sleep. But being retired, I don’t get up to go to a job. I get up to make family breakfast and lunch and dinner. Do laundry. Clean around the house. Feed the chickens. That time i spend just sitting is something I enjoy. Even though, I never remember how I got into a different position when I wake. Sometimes, I have woken up while still in the sitting position. Head slumped over.

Tommy

Hi Anita,

I would like to say that if a man meets a woman and does not show the intentions of wanting more then trying to be her friend will end up being her friend and nothing more. Without that little spark, that something that makes two people like each other, the relationship will not progress too far. And it has to happen early in the relationship. As I said, I was 32 when I met my wife. I tried that being friends first. You end up being friends and that is it. Showing that attraction and having that spark makes all the difference between a friend in the end and a lover forever. Yes, be confident but not macho. A man needs the confidence to approach and begin a conversation. Have you ever tried to approach a man? In society, it is the man that needs to make eye contact, walk over and say something to pull in the attraction. Rejection weighs heavy in the mind of the man as he has to walk away feeling shame and embarrassment.

When talking, do not answer questions with one word. Like if she ask you what you do for a living, Answer with several interesting ideas. Like, Baseball players get to travel to other cities and I grew up wanting to be a baseball player so I could travel but I could never hit the ball. So now I sell cardboard boxes. Look into her eyes and say it with a smile. Simple word answer does nothing to give another person to latch onto. To find something in common. To let the other person talk about themselves. Teasing around and playing .. shows a light hearted person. Easy to be around. Likeable.

Anita gives great advice (she is a great person) but here I think she lacks the experience of being a man and the associated difficulties of social interactions between men and women. It is time for Franco to make himself more sociable. I do not mean to go to learn to become a pick up artist . But, to learn how to be more charismatic. Make yourself into a person others want to be around and you will find it becomes easier to ask a woman to coffee. If you want to start with small conversation alone and the rest of being a friend then that is all you will get. A person would rather be shown a good time rather than asked what to do for a good time. A start up conversation of introducing yourself and asking if you would like to have coffee with me is more direct and shows interest right away. (Youtube.com Charisma on command. They give interesting pointers).

Tommy

PS, I am sorry if I interrupt and seem rude.

Dear Franco,

As a man of 32, that was the age I met my wife. I immediately knew I wanted her. So, I just broke out of my old mold. And said I like you alot. I said a lot of silly stuff about how looking at her has turn my head around that I see no other woman in my life. If you find yourself questioning your ability to talk to her then you will fail. Be confident in yourself. Forget about your insecurities. Rejection only hurts for a moment. Being alone can last a lifetime. So, go. What to talk about? Ask for her ideas about relationships? Should a guy keep pictures of his ex girlfriend when he is living with his present girlfriend? Make it like you value her opinion. Something like I would like your help. I met this woman that I am very interested in, say you think the woman is beautiful and should I ask her to have coffee with me? Then ask her to have coffee with you. You can be silly to break the ice. If she says yes then go have coffee and talk. Ask her questions about her, not talk about you.

Rejection? It is okay to be rejected. A no thank you is not a bad thing. Only bad is if she thinks you are a creep. Don’t be creepy. No one thinks bad of a virgin. The first always means more than everyone that follows. And most people appreciate it. Stop the fear and go head first into this. If you want practice then look at youtube.com Search “Charisma”, learn not to be shy.

Tommy

Just thinking to myself, so do not read if you do not want to.

When is it ever good news to hear a couple has separated for a period of time? Never is the answer. Being in a relationship means to be committed to each other. Good times, hard times and so on. When asked if you still like me, the answer should come easily. When there is silence then … Is the person bored and want something new? Why did this relationship turn into something disposable? It makes no sense to me. If you move in together then there must have been some sort of love and not just lust? Maybe some people do not understand that living together means much work to handle another’s sh!t. You find out how much you love your parents when they become old and you have to take care of them. It is a burden. But, one that we know we must get thru. So, living with your partner should mean taking the sh!t and working thru it together not separate. People who want to be separate are those looking for someone else or something else. If one is not happy with themselves then they won’t be happy with anyone. They will constantly look for the side with greener grass.

In hetero marriages, women are about 80% to initiate divorce proceedings. They say the marriage was over long before the divorce. Hitting the man with divorce from out of nowhere. And, the divorce women will often find it that much easier to marry and divorce again. So, as soon as they are bored or become unhappy, out comes the legal proceedings to split. I do not know if this is true but is what I have heard.

I am guessing that it is harder to find a person who has values which correspond with yours. No contact? Meaning do whatever you want to do without guilt or any sense of loyalty? No reporting? No caring. No sharing. Wow, how this must hurt. Like being left at the altar. Thinking one is in a real relationship and then having the rug pulled out from under one’s feet. Let down hard. All one wants to do is to hear her voice again. Hold her, Kiss her, look into her eyes and feel safe. But, it is out of reach.

Sorry for my rant. I wish you well and hope the next relationship is better.

The heart sutra sounds like when one experiences the truth of one’s nature. One moves from living in the identity of this person to a point of view outside but a part of this life. Break thru the five skandhas. This identity is brought to life thru thoughts and constant renewing of the present experience. What one believes what one is comes from all the thoughts one has had. This includes memories. When one breaks thru this identity and can experience life from another point, The mind opens and understanding of this world comes rushing in. And as one practices more and more, one begins to live from that point. The results from living at that place, comes wisdom and compassion. There really is nothing special. Before enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. The only thing that arises from enlightenment is the wisdom and compassion one receives from living from another point.

As a person who has looked at Dementia and some of its ramifications, memory is important to one’s identity. Losing memory, one loses where one comes from. Loses friends and family even while they stand next to them. Memories are great when they allow us the freedom to be who or what we want to be. But, they also hinder us if they are where we retreat to all the time.

A blank white canvas indeed. $10,000 dollars? Not just for a blank white canvas but for the art that the artist provided in his presentation. Art is not just an object. It is the beauty the artist presents to its viewers. It makes us think and experience things differently than we did before. Red canvas is no longer blank cause it is red. A different way to look at life.

You catch more bees with honey. My meaning is that you need to give her a reward system. Something that she wants. Maybe affection, kisses for each time she loses weight or even tries. Get her thinking about other things than food. Schedule time to do thing near diner time. Do the thing and come back to food later. Have sex instead of diner. Have her be the more active partner.

If you choose to punish her by living separate lives then she will have no incentive to loose weight. You have to be the positive one. The leader, the man of the house. Exercise at this moment may be difficult for her. So go for walks. Make it romantic. Give flowers not chocolates. Reward her for making the effort. A kiss, holding hands, a nice word something to make her feel good about her efforts.

I have said this many times. Make the change and the marriage will change. It starts with you. Look at the man in the mirror.