Hi there J,

It is a little late on this thread and I hope you are staying strong and happy with yourself before anything else.
I would like to share the other end of the spectrum here of opinions. I am going through a breakup of my own (my ex of almost 4 years, we broke up first a year ago, then made up, and here I am now 2 weeks into break up). Now, I am 23, so yes I am a little young. However, I come from a family where we have deeply routed values and my values always come first when it comes to my decisions like choosing a partner.

I am not the type that would go around sleeping with other women just as flings, that is just the way I am ok, now the terms “right” and “wrong” do apply to me, and ONLY me as they are subjective. Now my ex was very much like me, a little on the immature side but I truly did influence her in a good way and she did the same for me after those four amazing years. I know her well, and the person she is and the person I’ve known for all this time is somebody who would not just have one-night stands, who has values very similar to my own when it comes to sexuality.

That being said, I am moving on, but I know I will run into her in the future and that if I continue to have faith in myself then I will ultimately come to a crossroads myself just like you were, where I can either choose to begin anew with her or keep moving on. So, given her character and values that existed since we broke: if I met her down the road and she told me (and tell me she would, as she cannot lie) that she had sex with others while rebounding and hurt, while hoping to start something with me, then I would surely feel similar to how your felt when you found out.

However, I would most likely NOT get back with her after hearing this news. Yes I said it. After the shock and primal jealousy passed, I would not go into a new relationship with her. Why? Because her doing that, in my view, shows weakness. It shows 1) that her emotions overtook her core values (we established that we both had these values as I previously mentioned), which makes me question what her values and beliefs really are and if they truly exist and shape her as they do for me. OR 2) : that she was and always will be (until she finds herself maybe or matures) an innately different person than what I thought she was. Meaning, that as soon as my interactions and indirect influence on her disappear, she is a different person, with different values or lack there of in any major respect.

Now on Note 1) if her emotions constantly overrode her values, then I personally consider this a lack of character, or more simply: just another typical person. It also shows (in my opinion) that she is unstable and thus I would not want to date someone who does not know herself, who is so easily influenced and who does not have much self-discipline.

So, you knew your ex (if she still is your ex) , and only you can gauge her values. In my case, again, based on how she was as I knew her, if she went sleeping around right away when single, then I would not go back to her as I believe for myself that I deserve somebody better than her (note: this is subjective so don’t go on hammering me with all this sex is sex bs). I got along well with her because we shared similar values (ok im sick of this word now), and I would seek to have a relationship with another woman who felt the same way or similar.

So, if your ex matches up to the hypothetical situation and position that I described above, then I’d say that you deserve way better than her. You will know that you are better than her when the jealousy and insecurity of hearing this news is finally accepted by you, but your disgusted or uninterested feelings towards her linger on when all the dust has settled.

I emphasize all this value shit because I would do my best not to date somebody who didn’t really know themselves i.e. who became a dramatically different person while with me, and then dramatically changed as soon as I was away. You want to be with somebody who is stable, who knows herself, so that you two different and whole-individuals can begin an amazing relationship.

All the best,

Singh

She is playing games, don’t fall into the trap of believing that every “glance”, every short topic and every interaction is her showing you that she still “loves” you. Don’t start thinking that. Jealousy is surely at play here and it is clearly backfiring on her at times. Don’t feed her ego, don’t start opening up and being all mushy with her, because then you are just validating her pride and she can keep you in her pocket while she looks of other fun.

Listen, whether or not you two end up together again is dependent on if you do or do not stay on No Contact. This means, YOU DO NOT initiate conversation EVER. If she does then its all good, but still, keep doing what you’re doing and keep it short and always end it yourself. Quit the cheesy glances bro, this is just you telling yourself that they mean something more than what they are. That is extremely dangerous for your health because it gives you hope.

Hope is weak, have faith instead. There is a quote I once heard that goes like this: Hope runs through the fire whereas faith leaps right over it. Have faith. To have faith you must continue to work on YOU, which is why you are in no contact. This will never end, this self improvement that you are starting to achieve. Once you have faith, then you won’t need hope that something good happens for you in the future, you’ll just know that it will.

Again, in order to get to the crossroads where option A is to get back together and option B is to continue and find something new, you MUST get over her. You must get to the point where you couldn’t give two shits about what she is doing. You want to just want this person, not need her. This will take time, and that is good because it takes time to improve yourself on the inside. Chances are, and I know you don’t want to hear this right now, that when you get over her, you’ll find that there are so many other women out there that are worth your time and who are way better than she ever was for you.

Another cool thing is that when you actually get over her, she will sense it in you and feel a higher sense of loss; you wont have to say a word, your demeanor and actions will project this automatically. But until then you must be strong and stop looking for glimmers of hope. Fake it till you make it. Fight hard man, I personally know how difficult it is, but every time you stop and look at her with hope and think there’s a chance you might get together, the easier it is for HER to move on and you to linger there feeling like crap.

Be natural, be yourself, she is not going to affect you any longer, tell yourself everyday: ” I release the need to care about **** anymore”.

Just like your affirmations, its all about repetition, no matter how unbelievable it is in the beginning, your mind will learn to accept it.

You will be looking back in the near future and thinking: “wow, I probably would not be where I am today if that past relationship didn’t end, I would not be as confident and happy with myself had that not happened, I would’ve been needy and comfortable”. Now that you’re learning that you are the only person responsible for your own happiness, you will find that the next relationship that you are in will be SO MUCH more amazing than the last because you are one complete guy going in, and not somebody who is still finding themselves, looking for comfort in another.

Keep up the good work >:]3

• This reply was modified 10 years, 3 months ago by SIngh.

It sure did take a lot from you man, my relationship of almost 4 years ended almost two weeks ago. I got a lot taken from me too, (im not trying to compare to you here, just trying to relate) including my confidence, a bit of my appetite, and a tonne of happiness. But I know inside that this is a blessing as I was getting way too comfortable and I would never have worked on myself in that relationship the way I am now so I know that in time I will have experienced a net gain out of this event.

The easy part i think is that the things that have been taken from us are things that we used to have, many of which are critical for us to live, like happiness and fulfillment. So you see, you have to get it all back and then more, you have no choice, your body will force you to breathe when you don’t feel like breathing. Its an extreme analogy, but I think it is quite accurate.

I understand that you feel far from the person that you describe in a list that you make about yourself. That is okay, this is square one man. Stick to that list, and repeat these characteristics in your head everyday. If the statement: “I am massively confident” seems way too unreal and your mind is refuting it, then change it right now to “I am becoming massively confident” and that should stick a little more well. This is what I do by the way, and I repeat these affirmations in my head everyday, and I try to do them whenever I get a minute or two alone.

Imagine this person that you are going to become in the future, this confident, happy, awesome, and loving person. Note: (you actually are this person already, you jst have to stimulate and activate your “awesomecells” and “happycells” to wake up and start functioning again.)

I know, that was cheesy and strange, but you already read it so too bad, you’re gonna think about those aweseomcells now constantly, sucka.

Hang in there graffinLA, keep doing what works for you. You have great people around you who love you, and one more coming soon haha (congratulations on the new baby!)

You sir are a fighter, from what Ive read above, wow, you have been through a lot and you have overcome so much in your life. What is even better is when you recognized that if you put faith in yourself then everything will work out fine. Most people don’t even know that, they don’t even think about faith in themselves.

It seems like you have all the knowledge and experience to get through this and get better, since you did it before. This is a minor set back, not a crippling defeat. I recon that things have been happening so fast and there has been so much stress that you haven’t had the time to put faith back in yourself. That may very well be the issue.

You know it man, the fight that you got to fight is in your mind, it is nowhere else, you now this. Go back to the basics, write down everything that you like about yourself (make a list, and I mean everything), you’ll be surprised at what you can come up with that is so true. Make new affirmations and repeat them to yourself everyday, whenever you have a second to spare (this is hard, but if you do it, you’ll see progress I promise you, as I am doing this with myself in my own situation and it works wonders). Tell yourself that you believe in yourself, look in the mirror and smile, and tell yourself again.

You are so blessed to have a wife and kids, you will already be an inspiration to them when they go through tough times because you fought hard and you won and here you are. You did it before and you will do it again. When you catch yourself worrying, stop right there, and continue to believe in yourself. Worrying does NOTHING positive for us, it is a leach, holding us down. Get rid of it, its all in your head man.

You are already taking the right steps and seeing a therapist, now stop nervously expecting magic to happen, stop putting a timer on your sanity such that if you don’t recover by like winter then you’re screwed. Don’t do that, focus on one day at a time. Go to the gym (my personal favorite), get your blood flowing man, you were born to move and it will do wonders for your mental health (not to mention that your wife will LOVE your new and improved body…. and the rest is not pg rated so I shall not go any further).

Also, try out something new that you’ve always thought of doing, such as volunteering at homeless shelters or soup kitchens; I always suggest this since I joined this site and its because I get so much enjoyment and satisfaction out of meeting these kind of people and making them smile even for just a moment.

Again: rid yourself of worrying, its a waste of mental space, especially for an educated and successful man like yourself.

The toughest challenges are for the strongest people, take it head on. Conquer your mind, retake what is yours up there and the rest will follow 🙂 .

Howard, don’t mention it. And the current pain im in now is because that relationship just ended a week ago (yes we got back together last year, and it didn’t work again). This happened for several reasons but the main one I will tell you now is because I didnt learn from my mistakes from the first break up hahaha. All is good though, I take this as a message that I have things to work on that I’d never realize unless this relationship ended.

Sooo…. to you my friend, don’t make the same mistakes again like I did, when you get your mojo back, never forget it and never forget that you believe in yourself. The moment you forget and go back to the old ways is the moment you lose again. But you won’t do that.

I understand that you hope she can be happy and well and all, that is an extremely noble quality that you have and that comes from true love. I say extremely because it is all to common to feel anger and scorn after a break up, but that is not like you so that is awesome.

On the other hand, and again, you got this. Its good to feel the emotion you have right now, its healthy to cry it out, its cleansing in a way. Don’t concern yourself over her, for how can you care for another if you cannot care for yourself to the fullest? Once you are at peace with yourself and have complete faith in yourself, you will be ready to love another again.

No need to be sorry about using that word, you have faith that she will be alright, now have faith that you will be too 🙂

Some things happen for a reason, I try not to attribute much “fault” to myself in that it makes me think that an outcome could have been avoided. If we had hindsight then this would be okay to feel, but we don’t.

So keep looking forward and there are great things out there waiting to happen to you. But there’s a catch, they will only happen if you believe that they will and expect them all the same because you know that you are awesome and worthy of happiness.

• This reply was modified 10 years, 3 months ago by SIngh.

Yohannes,

Life is precious, don’t you dare give it away and give up. Just because you lost doesn’t make you a loser, just because you failed doesn’t make you a failure. You have so much to offer as a human being. I myself find the BIGGEST satisfaction in life in going to the east-side of my city and volunteering there for the homeless by serving food at a shelter for different organizations. There I meet people who are at the pits, who are going through tough times too but don’t give up. You have a family, you have a girlfriend, you have so much to live for given just that.

Get up my friend, believe in yourself, tell yourself everyday, not matter hard it is, that you believe in yourself. Because when you hear it you start to believe it. And when you believe it, then there’s nothing that you can’t face in life.

Listen to this, I listen to this everyday and it reminds me to never give up: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r3MxMfzWfbE

Remember this one thing, and this isn’t some cheesy crap I’m telling you just to make you feel better, its the truth:

The biggest challenges are made out for the strongest people.

Don’t you dare quit on life, there are people out there in this world, some you’ve already met and many others who you haven’t that need you and will need you.

You can be an inspiration, to yourself and to your community and loved ones, the ONLY way one could ever truly let down their family is if he/she gave up on life. But you’re not going to do that, because you’re going to realize that you have so much to offer and you’re going to get up and carry on living and becoming better and better. The fight that you got to fight is in your mind, its not in your cheque book, its not in you job, its not in your clothes, its in your mind. Conquer your mind.

Much love,

Singh

• This reply was modified 10 years, 3 months ago by SIngh.

Howard,

First of all, I have been in your shoes before, last year in fact. I will also tell you that I made some of the same mistakes as you initially after break up, like calling her, begging even once while crying to her on the phone. However, after a few days I pulled my shit together, despite the pain and took the first step: NO Contact.

The first step towards what exactly Singh, growing 6 more inches? No my friend, the first step towards bringing yourself back and better than ever! You see Howard, we often get comfortable in relationships and we then become dependent on our significant other for our happiness. Our entire lives and livelihoods rest on one pillar. What if that pillar were to be snapped?

Well, the answer to that question is what you are going through right now, and it sucks, for the time being. So, this is about you not me so I will tell you in short what happened to me after that break up a year ago:

I entered no contact (without warning), healed myself, rid myself of as much dependency on her as I could, and most of all, worked on ME. The end result was a month later: we got back together, with her realizing that she wants to be with me.

So now that you know it works (this is just a tiny example, many more are out there), start it right NOW. Do not send that silly letter, I repeat, do NOT send it. You must enter no contact right now, because you two are over, let me reword that: your old relationship is over, done.

No contact is for you my friend, for you to correct your wrong in being dependent on her for happiness and completeness. Listen to me, this is a blessing man, for if this hadn’t happened, then how would you realize that you only need you to make you happy? You wouldn’t, until the **** hit the fan in the future and in a much more hurtful situation (imagine if this happened when you got married).

This pain you are feeling, accept it, let it in, feel it for a bit. The pain will go away, and your diet will return, I promise you that %100 with a time-back guarantee if it doesn’t (because you spent time reading this, not money, get it?). The biggest mistake you can make in this moment and during this period of pain and hurt is to not work on yourself, to not take this opportunity to better your best and LOVE YOURSELF to the fullest.

You see, when you have absolute faith and confidence back in yourself, then there will be nothing that can rip your happiness away ever again. Read this website, research and learn how to do affirmations. These are extremely powerful and will be an excellent tool in helping you rid yourself of the pain and help you become the confident stud that you were when you met this girl AND MORE. Now I’m not in possession of any pysch-degree or therapeutic license, I’m just another guy who has been through this (and is going through this at a different stage) telling you that it works and this is what you must do.

Do not contact her for at least a month. Don’t do it, and read up more about no contact to get a better understanding. Remember, this is not about you being mean to her and having revenge, no contact is about you getting your life back and better than ever (I can’t stress the “better than ever” part enough, it is true). Forgive (not to her face) for any hurt she caused you, and most importantly forgive yourself too. Look in the mirror and say it.

Believe in yourself Howard, you have what it takes to do anything you put your mind to, all you gotta do first is love yourself and have complete confidence in yourself. This will be hard yes, but you will do it I’m certain. Do you know how I know that? Its because you have no choice. You have no choice but to be all you can be and be the only one responsible for your own happiness.

Go to the gym, see friends, see family, start a new hobby, dedicate more time to your career, education: you have so much more time now in your life, use it to better yourself, not to pity yourself.

In good time, find out what went wrong in the relationship and search deep and hard after the pain to find out whether she is really worth being with again. I too got the whole “I feel you’re too good for me” crap, and you know what? She’s right, I am, and I am getting even “gooder” as the days go by, as I work on myself in all aspects and love myself.

Once you get over her and are completely fine with the breakup, you will come to a crossroad, and one of the paths that you can choose (yea, YOU will be the one with the power to choose) just might be to start a new relationship with your old girlfriend if you so choose, but you will have options.

Sincerely,

Singh

• This reply was modified 10 years, 3 months ago by SIngh.
• This reply was modified 10 years, 3 months ago by SIngh.