Rachel,
It’s a courageous post. Especially because you are owning up to this obsessive behavior with her. It is also very common, more common than you might think. I’ve done it and the women I work with confess to this.

I think that some level of curiosity is normal. What you are describing sounds like a great opportunity to look into self-esteem, self-worth and how you view yourself in general.

Him dating someone else might actually have been the reason he was able to get back together with you.Whatever he needed to learn in his relationship with you, and he couldn’t, he probably learned with the next girl. This is also very common too, almost needed. Don’t use her strengths to your disadvantage. She might be the total opposite of you and that means nothing. It will be a painful journey if you use your differences to hurt yourself. And if you keep looking hard enough, you WILL find reasons why she is better than you and your self-created jealousy will erode the relationship. If he was done “learning” with her and walked away, then embrace this opportunity to enjoy him and grow with him.

Wish you the best on your journey!

Love,

Banu

Hello Gonegirl,
We all have patterns in relationships and sabotaging connections with potential partners is very common. It has to do with our early attachment (anxious or secure) and the attachment we had with our caregivers ends up getting repeated in romantic pursuits. No exceptions. and you are not alone. Expectation gets a bad rap. To me, expectations are needs that are communicated poorly it misunderstood. We don’t voice them because our inner child assumes that she/he would be too much (just like she did when she was a kid) or that she doesn’t deserve to have it. I recently published a post here on TB on finding your ideal partner (http://tinybuddha.com/blog/key-finding-ideal-partner-life/) and I think it might benefit you in attracting the right partner. Don’t give up and make it a sob story but a collection of experiences that helped you understand your patterns. You can work through this!
Warmly,
Banu

Hi Cynthia,
Good for you for reaching out and seeking a solution for what you think could be a hindrance to your happiness in the long run. Hanging onto an ex is very common and the best medicine is time. I happen to be working on an article on this topic so here are my highlights that might help. There are a few main reasons why we hang onto our Ex.

1)We tend to glorify the good and forget the “bad” (bad: what was incompatible)
2) We are afraid of our grief and hanging onto them helps us delay our process (most people fear their feelings!)
3) We feel guilt for the mistakes we made and a part of us fantasizes about getting back together and doing everything right this time.
4) Heart takes time to let go. In my experience, if you really want to let go and move on, it takes about 1-2 years. It doesn’t mean that it will be excruciating the whole time. It all depends on your perspective.
5) We forget that relationships are spiritual assignments. They have their expiration and that is OK. Not all of them are supposed to last a lifetime. It does not mean that the relationship was bad or meaningless. It means that you got what you needed out of it. Now process, extract wisdom, make necessary changes (do your inner work). When you’re ready, the next relationship (next assignment) will show up.

Here is what worked for me:
Make a list of what worked and didn’t work. Be realistic.
Keep a journal and process what comes up.
Delete him from your Facebook (constant FB checking does not help at all!)
Get out and start doing new stuff (volunteer, take a new class, start a book club, etc..)
Give yourself permission to feel your feelings. Don’t resist what comes up but don’t indulge.

Hope this helps. Additionally, I wrote an article posted here on TB about my experience after my break-up that might speak to you:

Why Love Addiction Deprives Us of Love, and How to Let It In

Warmly,
Banu

Wow, Kristin, that’s a biggie. I can only imagine the sense of betrayal you might be feeling. As if you don’t know when anymore or what to trust. Our our sense of reality gets shaken up when something like this shows up. I sense that this person is so far into this pattern that they don’t know how to stop. One way I might be able to help you find an opening is this: Think about a behavior that you have, you don’t like it (maybe feel guilty or icky afterwards) but you don’t know how to stop. It has almost become automatic and unconscious. I believe that we all have something like that in our lives. Patterns are addictive and one that seems to be based on survival (like lying) is hard to break. One thing you might do for yourself out of self love is to realize that this behavior/habit of hers isn’t personal to you (though, the implications are personal) and it comes from a deep desire to find acceptance. She obviously does not believe that she is good enough to receive acceptance and love from people as who she is now. I hope that helps. I wrote a blogpost on this topic that might help: http://www.workwithbanu.com/what-to-remember-when-dealing-with-toxic-people/

Much love,
Banu