Hi Jane,

My brother is a look like your daughter, and my mother has gone through what you are going through before. My mother accepted what was happening to her, because it was either that or just get angry. The only difference is that my parents have never really given my brother (or myself) money for anything. My brother also lives away from home and we rarely see him, only when he wants to get stuff off his chest, because no one else will listen to him. Heck, we weren’t even invited to his 21st!

That’s the background, and this is my perspective on your daughter, deep down…she feels ashamed of herself, maybe even guilty. She probably doesn’t tell you much because deep down she is afraid that you are judging her. You have paid and supported her through everything, yet she might feel that with that comes a responsibility of being an awesome daughter, and she is failing herself because she might think you have grand expectations for her. It’s like she has an inferiority complex around you. Like my brother, your daughter might be internalizing all of this, irrespective if it’s true or not. Does she think the sun shines out of everyones butt but yours? My brother does this all the time, calling people he hardly knows family and friendly or lovely people, and yet slags off at his actual family for being too demanding. Your daughter might be quite a different person when she is with you. She might feel vunerable because you are her mother, you know everything. That’s why she might not call or come over much. She might hate the fact you know her too well. That’s why my brother has never introduced me to his friends, we never knew he had a girlfriend for months before she appeared at our door. My brother feels he is bulletproof with others, not with us. It may well be a similar case with your daughter. I believe that’s why she blew up at you, she hated being made to feel guilty. Maybe that’s why she doesn’t call often, and she only calls when she wants something. Having a reason, is better than no reason, otherwise you might ask something harmless like “did you finish that essay? or how are your marks?” and she will not know how to handle it; “is mum going to judge me for this?” she might wonder. It’s all in her head, you love her, warts and all, but she probably doesn’t see it that way. She is building all these mental blocks in her head. I found with my brother, he distanced himself so much that he couldn’t feel like he was being judged, watched or made to feel guilty. And now, because your daughter knows that you know she only rings when she wants something, she might feel this is the standard convention from now on.

DO NOT TAKE THIS AS YOUR FAULT. My mother raised us two boys by herself, she stopped working so that she could look after us. We both lived under the same roof, and we are so different that i sometimes wonder if he hit his head on something and forgot about the 18 years mum raised and supported us. Recently mum went into day surgery, and my brother didn’t even ask how she was. My mother stopped telling him things, because in the end she felt that expecting him to say something was worse than anything. Mum hasn’t given up on my brother, she just isn’t punishing herself for the way he has turned out. Honestly, no matter how much love you give your child, they are ultimately in control of who they are. All we can do is hope that they realize its not them against everyone else.

You are not being petty. You feel left out in the cold, neglected and all you want is to be acknowledged. I totally get that. Although your daughter might seem like an adult to you, she may not feel the same way. I don’t know what you can do to solve this, since nothing has worked on my brother. I feel that eventually he will realize that he has messed up, that life isn’t all about him, that he wouldn’t be anything without his family. I reckon this is the case with your daughter. Maybe try to start a dialogue with her, when she speaks to you next time. I feel the main thing is for your daughter to initiate conversation, not you. I only ever speak to my brother when he wants to speak to me, not the other way around. It’s like he needs to be in control of the terms and conditions of our talk. I reckon do the same with your daughter, because they may think they are in control, but they really aren’t.

The opposite, would be to start taking things away from her, stop financially supporting her in some facets of her life. Maybe then she will realize how much you give for her to be able to live comfortably. I reckon this is extreme, but you know what they say: you never know what you got till it’s gone.

I hope this helped you a little, If you have any comments or questions, please continue this thread.
BUT seriously, it’s not your fault.
MAtty

Ke,

I understand that uprooting your life is not what you or anyone would want to do. I also understand that you do love him, the fact you are here talking about ‘what to do?’ is actually evidence that you care deeply enough about him to seek help and advice. Even if he thinks psychology is nonsense, counselling is more about interacting, setting goals in a mutual environment. Couple counselors aren’t going to analysis him, more likely they will analysis the relationship, be a voice of reason between the two of you. Honestly, it doesn’t have to be a counselor, it could be a friend that you both have or a family member. Counselors are impartial since they know neither of you.

And if you cannot make him go with you to see someone, you need to tell him that it means a lot to you, and that you are trying to save this relationship. Don’t give your boyfriend an ultimatum, instead just say that the ‘relationship’ seems to be on the rocks and that you are concerned. You are in a sense concerned about the relationship, so talk to him about your relationship together. If he shuts you down again…. I’m not quite sure what you should do. Is it possible for both of you to take a day off from each other, even if you spend the night over at a mates place. Maybe some distance will put things into perspective for him.

I hope this helps you a little. If you have more to say, please continue this post.
MAtty

Hi Ke,

It appears your boyfriend does not trust you enough to be able to reveal who he truly is (without a ‘mind-altering substance’ whatever that is). But it also shows that he is quite insecure if he continually states, during discussions that ‘you don’t love him, respect him’ etc. It shows that he isn’t really comfortable with himself to the point that he is externalizing his problems and is really talking about himself. What I mean is, that he says ‘you don’t love him’ but really he is turning it around his head as “you couldn’t possibly love me, no one can love me”. It’s a defense mechanism so he doesn’t have to deal with his emotions, he blames everyone else for them and sees himself as inferior.

In regards to having your mistakes thrown back in your face, i would consider this yet another example of insecurity as well as an inferiority complex. Pointing out your mistakes, in such a way that is aggravating is trying to prove something, trying to prove that ‘he wouldn’t make the same mistake’. The small things you do for him are largely being ignored, which begs the question, what he actually wants from you.

Out of interest, does he notice things about you, for instance, if you get a haircut, bought some new clothes etc? I ask because it seems that he is self-absorbed, dealing with his own problems, that you aren’t really in a relationship, your just living together. What does he actually want from this relationship? What do you want? Because, it seems that you have found quite a lot of faults that he isn’t willing to work through, let only talk about. Even if someone has a ‘bad history’, that doesn’t mean they have to take it out on others, otherwise the cycle continues. Bad history will continue, simply because your boyfriend decided instead of being proactive, making a stand and seeking help, he chose to bottle it up, take it out on you (the one he supposedly loves) and make you feel like crap.

My advice would be to sit down with each other and discuss where this relationship is going. Because, you are already living together, married life won’t change much, so what you are seeing is what you will get. If you cannot get this to happen, seek couples counselling, simply to put someone in between the two of you to moderate your discussion. And if this doesn’t work, then you are going to have to make an uncomfortable choice, stay or leave. It’s not your fault if your boyfriend wants to bottle everything up, it’s his own damn fault for letting it control his life and impact those closest to him.

I hope this helps,
MAtty

Starbux,

DO you have a specific genre you like?
What previous books did you like and not like?

MAtty

Hey Joe,

I’m happy that your happy with your decision. There are many countries out there looking for English teachers, one’s you probably have never heard of. At the end of the day, if you feel its the right move for you, so be it. I wish you the best of luck for your future endeavours.

MAtty

Hi James Jones,

I’m 30, share an apartment with a roommate, have a boring but stable job, and feel like nothing I do will ever turn out well.

So i wrote this out a couple of times, my mind is trying to make connections tonight, just not working 😉
I want you to know that what you are feeling is actually natural. You look at yourself in the mirror and see some 30 year old, lame person that you would rather not be. I get that, i feel like this more often than I like to admit. I look at my past and see everything differently, as if I feel that my past is inferior, that everything I did amounted to nothing. But this is incorrect. We are our own harshest critics and as a result when we look back, ‘in hindsight’ we often look back with tinted vision. What happened, is not what we see. What i’m trying to say is that age doesn’t make you more experienced, its just an number. However, we see that number and think of the social implications more often than not. Let me tell you, that no one is immune to this feeling, it is natural. What is unnatural as how many people never want to talk about it. So you are making an exceptional choice to make a stand in your life and ask yourself ‘why do i feel this way’.

And I’m really tired of gong to bed feeling like I wasted my day, or spending entire weekends doing nothing but pissg away time on the Internet or walks around the street with hands in my pockets, face staring down, or of having relationships be things exclusively for people who are not me.

My questions to you are these –> what’s wrong with spending day on the internet? WHat’s wrong with walking with your hands in your pocket? What’s wrong with not being in a relationship? We always, as humans tend to focus on what we want and then the reasons as to why we want are generally thrown to the wayside. If you are enjoying yourself, if you are happy then why should it bother you so much? Fear?? Fear is actually quite logical and understandable, however it is only ever in our heads. People are so afraid of dying young, they forget that we are all going to die anyway. It’s inevitable, one of the only things in human life that is guaranteed. Are you afraid that you could be doing more with your life? You say there are other things you would rather be doing, but don’t do them. Why are you afraid of not doing these things? My thoughts are that (as you stated with @anita) that you have placed heavy expectations on yourself. As a result you end up thinking you could or should be doing more. Which is actually illogical, because what you think you should be doing, might not be what you need to be doing. Do you really need more in life than what you already have? I’m not saying that you should just accept what you have now and be done. I just want you to think about the ‘whys?’ and seek understanding within yourself.

You are caught in a paradox, you are afraid of failing, as a result you feel you could be doing more to be successful, but don’t because you fear failing.

I believe that you fear triumph more than you fear failure, to be honest. Life is not an exam, you do not get As and Fs, it’s more like ‘i did something well’ or ‘i didn’t do so well’ neither are absolutes…that’s life. You fear success more than anything. Because if you were truly afraid of failure, then you wouldn’t be waking up and living and breathing the same air I do, you would of given up. But you are afraid of succeeding, what if i’m good at this? what if i do try something different and i’m decent at it? You played a video game that more than likely bought you joy and you were good at it. But somewhere along the way you felt that being good wasn’t good enough. You felt that success should feel different than this. SO you upped the volume, you fought harder, set the bar higher and at some point you set the bar so high, you forgot to enjoy the game. You forgot why you enjoy playing. And now…if you find that you are good at something, you fear that you will just set yourself up for failure by setting expectations too high.

Your self-confidence is eroded because you have stopped enjoying things for what they are and are setting expectations on everything. If you aren’t on the computer, then you might be getting a partner, you might have a better job, you might feel happier. you ‘might’ do a lot of things. But why are you setting the bar so high over things that may or may not happen? You expect yourself to be extraordinary in everything you do, now you are setting yourself up with failure. We create expectations to succeed, not to fail.

I see many people on these forums that are unhappy and lack self-confidence, the reason is because during their lifetime they felt they needed more to be happy. They needed something that gave them confidence, rather than being confident to begin with. People have confidence issues because they evaluate their age + what they own + what they feel is valuable = not enough or at the worst…. not good enough.

Well, this is the kicker….you already know this. You are smarter for it. Live life how you want to. Not what society thinks is a good use of time. Who cares that you are 30 with a roommate. I’m 25, no job and still live at home with my parents. But i’m happy. So you have a boring job, well do something that invigorates you when you are not at work. We all work, we all need to afford things. Work is work, so leave it at that. If you don’t want to change jobs, then look for something else you could do in your down time that makes you happy. Don’t just give up because work is dull, find something that replaces that dullness. Don’t follow what other people do in order to be happy, they aren’t you! You can never be like other people, because you are you. You are unique and valued only as much as you value and see yourself as unique!

What is success? Everyone has a different answer, everyone has a different way of attaining success. So what does it mean to you? Maybe you will be 50 years old when you find love, but guess what….you still succeeded. Maybe you will be 43 years old when you find a passion you enjoy that completes you….you still will succeed. I always remember the movie “SEEKING A FRIEND FOR THE END OF THE WORLD”, a brilliant movie. Steve Carrel’s character finally finds love in the final days of the world. His romance lasts no more than a couple of days. But in that couple of days he achieve’s more happiness than he has ever felt. What makes the moment special, is that it’s not how long it lasts, it’s not how successful he is….it’s that it happens to begin with. Don’t let time dictate success, be happy when it comes to you whenever. You are trying to achieve success by measuring how long you will be able to embrace that success. In the end you set expectations to achieve certain things by certain times to be able to enjoy your success more. And when you don’t reach your goals, you deem yourself a failure. But you forget to see what you achieved up until this point.

My final thought is this –> Do you want to keep failing yourself for the rest of your life?

I hope this helps, if you have any comments or questions, please continue this thread 🙂
MAtty

• This reply was modified 8 years, 4 months ago by Matty.

Hi Lucasgreen,

As someone that was new to any concept of a friend group I quickly found myself at the mercy of a leader of friends who, over the course of my entire school period, encouraged people to exclude me, physically oppressed me and systematically made me feel worthless through all imaginable forms of exclusion, abuse and psychological games

Also @Annah makes a really good point, that kids at school who bully or call names, may not have viewed it as such, maybe they were just ‘doing’ it rather than being conscious of it. Kids are pretty social and as a result just bandwagon with everyone else. You don’t want to be left out, so you try your darndest is to be ‘in’ rather than out.

How did I begin to move forward? Well… I guess I stopped caring so much, i decided to focus on study and working in high-school. This gave me a drive and purpose. It also made me feel like I was achieving something, at times (actually a good deal of my final years before graduation) i felt superior to others. I was quiet, reserved and kept to myself (or at least tried) and I always felt that when other students would put me down or just say stuff to my face, that I coped by saying to myself that I wasn’t just better than them, they weren’t even in my league. I carried an air of resentment against people like that. I guess that’s why I always looked serious and adults always felt I was too mature. I don’t have this outlook anymore, it was a high-school facade that did it’s job. In hindsight, it didn’t really work. Inevitably, while trying to make a stand by casting myself as separate to others, better than others i voluntarily excluded myself (which caused a bit of mental pain later on in life).

I guess I though it would be a lot easier for me, when i left school, that was it. I disconnected with everyone, in fact i never had facebook until i was 20. I secretly felt ashamed and embarrassed because after all the study, work, money earnt, i was nothing without a social life, without friends. I would sit in the middle of the food courts in malls, by myself actually contemplating why i hadn’t of just ‘gone with it’. Why did i have to be so stubborn. This is how I thought. It didn’t help either that when I got my graduating results, they were far below the average (your results are based on how you perform as a class, not as an individual). It was like all the work, all this time I had tried to ignore and more forward had failed. It took many years to get over this.

What you are going through, is what i went through, your perspective changes. I stopped looking for validation of my own qualities, my own capabilities and sought validation in myself. I stopped dwelling on mistakes i made in the past, and forgave myself. I realised that, in esscense what i had done was exclude myself so that others wouldn’t have the pleasure in doing it to me. And that I have become my own bully. When you are a loner, you cannot be ‘super loner’ since you are still by yourself hahah. But this is how I thought. I began to move forward, by simply moving forward. I guess, i stopped looking through a ‘high-school’ lens, and started seeing myself for me.

I hope this helped,
MAtty

Hi Gigi,

One question I have is what is considered the definition of spiritual?

I’m sure a quick google search could give you a definition. But, like most things in life ‘respect the fact, seek the truth’. There is nothing wrong with you coming up and defining ‘spirituality’ in your own words, for yourself. You don’t even need to call it spiritual, you could live your entire life not defining that aspect of your life. You don’t need to label yourself spiritual because you feel you lack faith that others around you have. In the end, faith and spirituality cross over more often than not. Faith really is about believing in something, whilst spirituality is about believing in something bigger than yourself (based on a google search, not my definition). Make a definition that suits you, not others.

My friends would discuss God in conversations but live a party lifestyle and it seemed so hypocritical

Well in a sense, maybe their view of God and their definition of religion/ faith is different. I mean, I feel the same way you do, one day these people can be at church, singing and praying, the next day they are doing tax fraud without any sense of the contradiction of what they believe and what they do. Hence, why I would say these people just have different values, they believe in someone/ something that is perfect, but have no interest in following suit. This could very well be their definition.

I just cannot stop kicking myself for having no real beliefs right now and being so skeptical.

It’s almost as if you are competing with others on who is the most religious 😉 I should like to note, that you don’t HAVE to believe in anything. Sure people will call you nihilist or some other word, but you don’t have to believe. In your case, it’s like you NEED to believe in order to justify your existence. You validate your existence, live by your own beliefs, the ones you construct. You can construct your own creed. Religion may have influenced and played a part in your life, but you do not need to be religious or spiritual to follow certain values that are expressed through these avenues. If I say “killing is wrong”, it doesn’t have to be connected to the 10 commandments, in most places, it’s the law. Is the law religious, or is it just a law? We all go through stages where we question things, you are at this point. Like a big question that we always ask is ‘what is the meaning of life?’. I have my own views, others have theirs. There is no single answer to this question, just your own interpretation. Your beliefs do not need to appease anyone else, just yourself. You probably do have beliefs, but they don’t necessarily have to revolve around religion, they can be beliefs because you believe in them. Also I wouldn’t state you are skeptical, i would state that you are a inquisitive person, someone who seeks answers to questions not for factual glory, but because it will make you whole. All your questions that you posed are things done by people who follow a religion and those that don’t. Everyone approaches these questions differently, logically because we are all unique in this regard.

I hope this helps, if you want to say more, please continue this post 🙂
MAtty

• This reply was modified 8 years, 4 months ago by Matty.