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B.BellsParticipantThis might hurt to hear but most separated men are still very attached to their wives . This is very natural and my husband was the same telling me he was not happy with his new girlfriend (ya but you made your bed).
My advice is to date only divorced men or men that have been separated for Years. I’m sure there are instances when I am wrong but even my father never got over my mother decades later.
Peace.B.BellsParticipantBasically you have to try hard to like your own company . I’m guessing for some people this is easier than others. Does your dream life consist of walking down the street with your carbon copy boyfriend , dressed identical , thinking identical and then one day in the future sitting in a diner with absolutely nothing to say to each other ? Or do you want to be that foxy lady lol walking down the street with all kinds of interesting things to say about her adventures in far away places who has a mind of her own ? This foxy lady could have a beau or not , that’s not the point . The point is she is her own woman !
I prefer to be the foxy lady , that is what I strive for . I’ve done the carbon copy relationship thing and it got old quickly for me.
Maybe I digress but I hope my thoughts help 🙂B.BellsParticipantIt’s easy to get caught in these trapped ways of thinking . Seriously it does takes some time (after separation) ,and at least for me, I prefer just living life to please myself. I can always entertain or hang out with people if I want but in my day to day life I live for myself . There is no better way to live and none sweeter . It’s like being or at least falling in love with yourself and learning what is it precisely “I” like? We can actually all surprise ourselves as to our likes!
Try to expand your mind there is an abundant plenitude of ethnic cuisines out there , one you may even prefer better . Be open to new experiences and people. No one person should fulfill all our needs anyway .
So many married people dream of their single days and their freedom and then single people dream of being hitched up . Why is this ? Tells me there is no right or wrong, just enjoy life as much as possible in the current state you are in because life is truly a gift . Also tells me that we are all in flux , our relationship status can change at any time . It would be fun when we are single to learn about ourselves , immerses ourselves into new endeavors so that when we do find that new love we are an interesting human being and not one dimensional only liking one type of food .B.BellsParticipantI think stressing too hard about love is definitely not the way to go . Love is illusive and should just simply be magical (but that is just me). I agree with you Mary , that we should strive to build the perfect lives for ourselves….And like you I think love will find us then ….But who really knows? I’m definitely living on that assumption . However when and if we have the lives we want we may just be content – – – who knows . I like what someone said in a post earlier that some people are just happy to date , we don’t all have to ball and chain ourselves to someone . So many married people I know are not happy (I wasn’t) , so I definitely don’t think total devotion to someone (as in marriage) is the holy grail to life!
I think the point to what you are saying – – – to build and create the lives we want is simply to enjoy the Whole Journey !!!! Be open to magic . Love is magic in my eyes . Maybe I will die alone lol but I will not settle for less 😉P.S. ~ When we are in better positions in our lives and we are travelling there will simply just be more decent men around us ,,,and now that is my common sense speaking ! lol 🙂
Good Luck to us all !!!B.BellsParticipantI have one: DREAM and perhaps ACTION. This applies to all areas of life .
B.BellsParticipantMemm, I totally agree with you 🙂
This is not an illness to be fixed . This is normal and natural . Striving for more is not only good but healthy . Apathy is a far worse crime .
Would we have amazing pieces of art , architecture , scientific achievements , excellence in sports , literary works of art or great humanitarian efforts if we all just sat on our asses lol ???
We should encourage each other to strive for more and be brave enough ourselves to take those extra leaps of faith and put the petal to the metal .
I enjoy this post 🙂B.BellsParticipantHello Madie , I think it is natural to think that there is something more for us in life and that we are in fact missing out on something however illusive it may be. I chose not to have children and to walk away from my abusive marriage however sometimes I wonder should I just be married again like everyone else and be having kids. Usually I think these thoughts when I see a happy family and I am down . When I am being OK with myself I know I am taking the right path however sometimes it makes me wonder .
I try to stick to my principles and actively pursue my life goals which is to have a successful business and meaningful friendships with people (Travel would be nice to 🙂 ) A romantic partner would be nice but it is not a priority .
Your family is young so you have a lot of responsibility there but there are always side businesses and living your passions when time allows. I found mine so much later in life . So many people do . There is no one way to look at life , family or work . No one formula works for everyone . You feel uneasy but uneasiness is good (or restlessness) because it means you are actually searching : Soul Searching . Your answers will come in time . Enjoy the journey 🙂January 3, 2014 at 10:17 am in reply to: How Does One Meet Healthy Individuals for Friendship? #48267B.BellsParticipantMy business is a creative one and since I am an artist myself I’ve had more than my fair share of artist friends. I’ve been betrayed by these close , long standing artist friends so if anything I am weary of ‘creative types’. That is why I am in this situation to begin with !!
However I get what you are saying about the quiet ones in the background . I think they may also be the less controlling ones too. I am sick of dominance . No one should be dominating anyone . Furthermore a friend should be someone you can relax with and be open with . And a friend , especially a good one , should be accessible . There is no excuse why an unemployed supposed good friend of yours can’t return your phone calls, emails etc or be there for you . It is truly about accessibility .
And to go further , real friends are NOT jealous of your successes hence why I am in this situation in the first place.
Real friends support you and are simply there for you and are not hiding from you because they are seething with jealousy .
That is why I am in a situation of trying to find ‘healthy’ people for friendship. I use to have a ton of friends.
And lastly , it’s about life changes . You need to find people in one way or another you mesh with . My old friends were trying desperately to hold me back . And they didn’t succeed !!!January 2, 2014 at 10:01 am in reply to: How Does One Meet Healthy Individuals for Friendship? #48181B.BellsParticipantRecently I have been reconnecting with people that were there all along and making stronger connections with them, this seems to be working . I guess through patience and time things will happen . These past holidays were actually pretty good but I had to work at it and overcome some limiting beliefs .
I have also had to stand up to a controlling person which was not easy but a positive outcome was achieved .
No matter how open-minded we think we are a lot of us (I suspect) have some ruts in the way we think . I know I do. I am also learning some very valuable lessons relationship and business-wise (I was having a problem mixing the 2).
Thank-you for all your input , I liked what you said . It’s not an easy road for sure and no there are no easy answers !!!! 🙂 🙂January 1, 2014 at 7:14 pm in reply to: How Does One Meet Healthy Individuals for Friendship? #48145B.BellsParticipantThanks for the input , interesting yet doesn’t really answer my question . I know precisely what a friend is and isn’t . I meant more like where ??? Unconventional places because I’ve tried a lot of places .
I am slowly making new friends , that is the good thing . And learning so much about myself in the process – tough stuff .
I don’t want crap friends , I want real connections with people that are like-minded . I don’t want to travel the globe to do this lol . I would if I had the money though 😉B.BellsParticipantEric , Do you feel the next life is more important than the here and now . . . the Present?
Anybody else have any feelings ?
B.BellsParticipantHi Sandy , I can definitely relate and I do agree with the above posts but to a certain degree . I agree that it is a feeling from within , that is undeniable but how did it get there in the first place ? In my case it was life events starting from abusive parents and from there unconsciously choosing unhealthy people to be friends with and to have relationships with. And this was due to the fact that my self-esteem had been brutalized and I did not feel worthy of the love of healthy people. So I never really quite felt like I belonged or I was at peace in these different kinds relationships .
To see me I look completely put together even attractive but I do have a heavy heart . I think way too much , I’m always in my head . I am happiest when I am busy at work which is my passion in life.
I’ve been hurt , betrayed , humiliated , you name it, by the very people that should have loved and supported me . So is this really in my head or my reality ? It definitely gets in your head and messes you up especially when these are long time friends, family .
So really I think it is more of an issue of bringing healthy people into one’s life , which at least to me , couldn’t be more difficult . I never stop trying though and I am actually naturally socially outgoing .
But I definitely hear you Sandy. If people were being honest , this could very well affect a lot of people . And I crave connection very much .B.BellsParticipantHi Norma , you sound very unhappy with life , maybe even depressed from the tone of your post . I thought it a bit odd that you used the word ‘control’ about how you deal with your family and then you say someone told you that you run your family like a business . Maybe there is some truth to that . Maybe you need to ‘control’ them because you have so little ‘control’ of yourself . You seem stuck in this position sort of like a caged animal whether you agreed to it or not or like life just simply took it’s course .
I am not here to tell you what to do but maybe if you loosen the reigns of your family (esp now that the kids are older ) and you try to regain some Control into Your very own life things may change . Try to let the family be . And try to inject some fun into your own life . We all have passions / talents in life whether we are aware of them or not . Try to (re/)discover them . Even just shake up your routine . Sounds ridiculously simple but it works. Train and expand your mind to think differently . Try to get off the bed . Take small steps first this will retrain your brain and give you a sense of accomplishment once you have done it .
Therapy is all fine and dandy but that’s only if you find a Good therapist you mesh with . There are plenty of terrible therapists out there . Medication again , should only be for the severely debilitated and even then it can only help so much.
We are our own worst enemies but we can also be our own best friends in the sense that we can pull ourselves out off utter despair (I have been there many times) . It will not be easy but it will be well worth it and make you that much stronger .
Best of Luck
Peace 🙂B.BellsParticipantI use to have the very same problems as you , overwhelming anxiety . How busy are you in life ? I was not working at the time and in a very unhealthy relationship that only further diminished my self worth . When I simply got busy (as in finding fulfilling work) and fostered meaningful relationships my anxiety went away . Do you have close girlfriends, participate in hobbies and pursue passions ? I hope you have more than your boyfriend .
There all all types of techniques out there but sometimes people overlook the simple and obvious . If you are just busy , especially pursuing what you love whether a plethora of healthy relationships , pursuing hobbies/passions and this is the kicker : finding Meaning Work , you will be way to exhausted in a good way to give any care to imaginary anxieties. I have been there and my crippling anxiety is now gone and I have Way More self-esteem then in those days . Mind you it takes time , hard work, patience and preserverance .
Find your Bliss and your life will turn around . Faith also helped me .
Best of Luck 🙂B.BellsParticipantJust to let you know , I am new to this forum . . . . And looking forward to some interesting chats 🙂
I am a wonderful woman in my 30’s been through several lifetimes of hardship with a silly smile slapped on my face because I have hope and it is just my way ! ! -
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