No, Anita. that’s an inaccurate explanation. I have a right to process here on this thread all that’s taken place over the past few weeks. I have a right to “name harm”.

B

Hi Anita – I noticed that Tee and I posted at about the same moment earlier today, and I didn’t want you to miss my post. I don’t expect nor do I require any response from you. Just knowing that you read my words is enough for my emotional well being. Take care. -B

Hi all

I’ve been a member here for eight years. What attracted me to these forums was the name “Tiny Buddha”. I thought what a cool place to share experiences of suffering – why we have them, how to get through them, how to avoid them. I expected that those participating in a space called Tiny Buddha would probably (overall) be a less reactive, more forgiving bunch than those on other forums. Mostly, I had hoped to learn from others here.

I believe I understand the root cause of the conflict being discussed here. What Tee was sharing about compassion when the conflict started seemed like solid advice to me because it has worked for me in my own life.

As far as I know, none of us here has a PhD in Psychology. We share our personal experiences, hoping something we post or read will resonate, but we can’t know how our words will land. I felt bad seeing Anita’s reaction to Tee’s post. She appeared to cut Tee off from further communication with her: “I wish you well in your continued healing and in your communications with other members.” That seemed like an overreaction to me. In eight years I’ve seen an abundance of Anita’s compassionate, heartfelt, loving advice; I’ve also seen harm, but we all make mistakes. We’re all human. We’re doing the best we can. We learn and improve. We forgive. We grow. I have a soft spot in my heart for Anita.

Tee took responsibility and apologized immediately. She clarified what she had intended, yet that didn’t resolve anything. Anita shared today that in intense conflict with a person, she wants “to disappear, to never talk to or see the person again.” I completely understand this, and it explains her silence over the past several days, but it doesn’t explain the harsh words, some that were deleted by a moderator. Also, not directly naming those referred to in hurtful posts doesn’t fool anyone. Over the course of the next few days, it felt to me like Tee was being punished. That seemed unfair. I’ve seen this before but let it go because I have a fondness for Anita and I know she’s a good person.

I’ve got no skin in this game. I haven’t had a conflict with any of the parties involved. Yet, as Tee’s frustration has grown, mine has too, and I’ve hardly communicated with Tee, so this isn’t about loyalty to her. I’ve communicated several times with Anita, and we’ve had only positive exchanges, even some laughs. But when emotional sensitivity is always met with accommodation, it can teach a person that the world must adapt to him or her, rather than teaching how to adapt to the world. I believe that this ultimately does not serve a person well. I have compassion for all involved, but I think there should be a certain level of resiliency or none of us can safely share here. When there isn’t, I’d hope that reflection, accountability, and sincere apologies/forgiveness would eventually emerge, as these things promote healing all around. They also soften hearts. Anita, if you’re reading this, I want you to know that I care about you. I understand that you want members here to stand up for you. I want to stand up for you. I really do. But standing up for you in this situation ultimately will not benefit you, and I believe that deep down you know this to be true. That’s not to say that I don’t understand that you were hurt by Tee’s post. I’m sad that her post made you feel the way it did because it shows how wounded you are from the abuse of your childhood. (((little girl Anita))) That’s a bear hug for you. There’s a community here that wants to embrace and support you.

In Buddhist teachings (not that I know much about this), emotions are transient states that arise and pass away. I’m ready for the heavy emotions to pass away. I hope these forums don’t become a place where members are constantly tiptoeing around each other in fear of being humiliated or rejected. A place like that shouldn’t be called Tiny Buddha.

I don’t expect anyone to respond. I just feel better getting this off my chest. Thanks TB for giving me the space to do it. I’m honestly not around here much anymore, but this conflict has bothered me. Time for me to detach from it now.

Let’s give each other a break. Let’s help each other. Let’s lighten things up. Let’s make it a safe space. Let’s apologize when we mess up and forgive when others do. Let’s treat each other the way we want to be treated. I sincerely wish healing and happiness to all members here.

B

Ahhhhh Peter…these are beautiful posts.

Hi Anita – I’m so happy to read that you’re doing well. I also hope I’m not overstepping. “That tension, that pause, is where transformation begins”, Peter so eloquently shared. I think of, let’s say, a war veteran who was emotionally traumatized in battle. Many years later he’s triggered by words, actions, sounds, etc., that well intentioned people are responsible for. They’re not trying to retraumatize him, but it happens anyway. What is he to do? Should he confront/cut-off the families in his city who set off legal fireworks on July 4th? Should he write a scolding letter to the police department that flew a helicopter over his home? These actions would only create more hurt. The world is imperfect. We all hurt, even traumatize, others without intending to. In order to live peacefully in an imperfect world, we need to figure out a way to not punish those who hurt us unintentionally. “That tension, that pause, is where transformation begins. It’s part of what makes life rich and worth living.” Thank you, Peter.

“I am learning these days that grace can mean honoring my own healing first. That includes naming harm clearly, and not rushing toward forgiveness to preserve comfort”, you shared above, Anita. What about unintentional harm? Is there a difference, in your mind?

Love to you, Anita.

B

Yes, Helcat, I understand what you’re saying. Contemplation (or “contemplative prayer” or Peter I now understand these terms can be used interchangeably with “centering prayer”, a term you and another member used earlier) is the Christian Church’s answer to the Transcendental Meditation movement that became very popular in the United States in the 1960s and 1970s. Contemplative prayer has a rich tradition, practiced by the Desert Monks of Egypt back in the 3rd century.

B

Well, I don’t know if the monk laughs but it sure got a chuckle out of me! 😂 Thank you!

I need a few days to reflect on this before responding. My gut says it relates to what we were discussing earlier: the difference between meditation and contemplation…but I could easily be wrong.

B

It’s interesting what psychiatrist Viktor Frankl had to say about hope in his book Man’s Search for Meaning. He was a prisoner in the WWII concentration camps and noticed that those who survived the camps were not necessarily the strongest physically but instead the ones who didn’t lose their sense of hope. Sadly, the mental health of those who did lose hope deteriorated.

Tee – There have been some interesting recent scientific findings on the role that fascia (connective tissue) plays on chronic pain (myofascial pain syndrome). There are still many unknowns but it may be of interest to you.

B

Hi Tom,

You’ve listed many of your qualities (a person of moral and ethical principles, someone who is on-time, keeps his word, follows etiquette, is respectful to others, etc.), and as wonderful as they all are, I wonder if you may be over-identifying with them. Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s amazing that you have all of these noble qualities but do they really make up your truest self? Your truest self emerges once you drop the labels, step outside the constant stream of thoughts within your mind, and just be. This will allow you to be more at peace with yourself and others, and you’ll experience more joy.

B