well, the crap storm never ends.  I feel like it’s  been one thing after another for her.  Now she is dealing with her oldest daughter (20 years old) I think stuff is finally settling down though.  I’ve decided that the best thing is for me to do like you have said.   I’m going to move my clothing and stuff into my RV and have a talk with her.  Tell her that I am done.  That this isn’t working and that we can’t give each other what we both need.  I can’t love her like she wants/needs and she can’t give me the freedom and life I need.  That I will sleep in the RV until she can find a place and I will do whatever I can to help her with that and her kids.  But we need to start on this road and stop all types of romantic relations.

She can get so petty and childish about things.  For example, she is working this weekend (no surprise there) so i’m watching her kids again.  It’s going to be beautiful on the coast and i don’t have my girls, so I wanted to go riding on the dunes.  I talked to her mother about watching her kids that day so i could go with my friend.  When I told her that it was all a go, she asked “is his wife going”, I told her that he said she might go.  She got all pissy and upset.  something about me wanting to do things with my buddies, but then their wives go.  Like it’s my choice if they bring their wives.  And it’s not my fault that she has to work.  It became this big thing.  She even asked if I just asked him or him and his wife.  Obviously I just asked him.  I’m so tired of this insecurity and pettiness.  She even said ” i’ll pick up my kids after work so you can just do whatever you want for the rest of the night without me” .  in a pissy tone of voice.

Why can’t she see how she is.  Well I know why.  I was this way once.  When i was so in love with my ex.  I was blinded and I was like this.  All I could see is “why doesn’t she want to be with me?”  I never saw that she wanted to have “her time” as well.  Something that I used to love for myself.  It really is amazing to me how much this experience has opened my eyes to how I was in my previous relationship and how much it does push someone away.

With my girlfriend now, she is constantly telling me how much she loves me and everything she would do for me.  Which i appreciate, but the more she says it, the more guilty I feel.  The more pressure i feel.  Again, it is absolutely mind blowing seeing this from the other side.  Seeing how someone pushing so hard to show love and feel loved can push the other one away.

I feel so bad for ever putting my girlfriend in this position, but I’m glad i have experienced this side of the spectrum.  It is something that I will take with me and learn from.

again, i will keep in touch.

well, it’s been a couple weeks.  Still thinking about her.  I really think the summers are the worst.  We had so much fun in the summer.  We did so much together.  It felt like every other weekend we were taking a trip somewhere, going to some kind of festival, going riding, or something.  Looking back, it really was one of the best summers of my life, if not the best.  God I miss her.  It’s getting bad sometimes.  When i close my eyes I see her face or her legs or her foot with her little columbine flower on it.   I still remember everything she loves and likes.  I remember everything.   I really wish i could forget.

Every time I hear that song “boys of summer” by Don henley.  I think of her.  man.  what i wouldn’t give just to hold her one more time.  to feel her hand in mine.  See her eyes again.

Just needed to vent a little bit.

Your breakup has been almost as long as mine and, although I still think about my ex sometimes, too, it helps to come to terms with the fact of things as they are. She isn’t in your life right now, and that’s all you need to know at the moment, you know? If she was gauging your situation, well you were still with your girlfriend and you’re still with her even now, so nothing can change at least until you change your current situation.

 

Yes, i need to change my situation.  I’m trying to do that.  My brain and heart is so freaking messed  up.  One moment i think i just need to forget her and dismiss the thought of ever seeing her again, then the next.  All I can think about  is seeing her and re-kindling what we had.  Yet, i know if she wanted it she had plenty of opportunity to go after it.  I hurt so much every day for so many reasons.

I really think what you’ve all said about me meeting the right person will kill any thoughts or feelings I have for her.  I do think you all are right.  How am I supposed to meet that right person though.  Someone who is just like her.  She is the one I want… the one i need.  I wish things were simple and you could just tell someone these things without it coming across needy or clingy.  I wish so many things.  I feel like i’m stuck in this fantasy land or love story that isn’t over, even thought it is.

My girlfriend asked me what it was about her.  I told her i don’t know.  Honestly I don’t.   I love all the things about her, even the bad things.  I don’t know why or what the hell.   that line “you complete me” says it all.  Cause she did.  I never felt whole until i met her.  I really think I am going insane.  That’s what it feels like.  Everyday is groundhog day for me.  Everyday i still wake up thinking about her, thinking about what went wrong and how fast it went wrong, wondering if she is really telling me everything.  Thinking how I forgave her already for anything that she could of done.  thinking that all i need is to here from her.  For her to hold  my hand again and tell me that she does love me and miss me too.

If she were to contact me and want me back.  I would have no  hesitation….  again. how pathetic am i?….

You would HAVE to have hesitation though because you’re still with someone right now.  You’re worried about kicking your girlfriend out because of her situation but if your ex came back you’d have no hesitation?  What does that tell you?

That tells me I need to be done.  that I need to end this now, no matter the hurt or consequences.  I just have such a hard time hurting someone like this.

I really should have never started dating again.  Never.   I have so many regrets.  I feel like i’m just one big broken freaking screw up.

damnit i’m crying again.  i really have begun to hate myself and my life.  I have so much to be thankful for, but at the same time.  I just don’t want to live anymore.  Everyday is a struggle.  A monotonous daily routine that turns in to week, month, year.  no matter how hard i try to change things, it all goes back the way it was.  to shit.

I miss her so much.  I really don’t understand what’s wrong with me and why i can’t just let go.

thanks for listening.  I really needed this.  I’ll keep you posted

i do agree with you.   It’s so hard tho.  Now, her sons birthday is this week and his party is this weekend.  Never a good time for this.  I really need to sac up and do this though.  She keeps talking about next month, next year, and forever and I keep thinking I don’t see that future.  I really wish she didn’t have children, it would make things so much easier.

well, it’s been awhile since i’ve posted on here.  no really thrilled to say that i’m still thinking bout her everyday.  This is killing me.  I really don’t understand how i can feel like this about someone so intensely.  It plagues my thoughts so much.  I want to contact her so freakin bad.  I sometimes think maybe if we did meet, somehow i would not feel this way anymore.  Like i would think why did i love her so much and be able to move on.  and then i think if we could meet again that we would both connect like before and be able to start over.  This is by far the hardest thing I have ever dealt with in my life.  I always thought I was stronger than this.  Very defeating.

update:

well we’ve talked and talked.  She is in total denial, then it was Tuesday night.  I had to go get a part for my truck after work.  She texted and said the her son was staying at his older sisters that night.  I asked her if I could stop and get a beer on my way home from the wrecking yard.  She said sure, then she said that her daughter is going to stay there too.  So I invited her down.  We were both having a  decent time.  Then she wanted to talk about her counseling appt.  She thought it was a good one.  She said that her counselor said that the order of making people happy is that you are #1, your partner is #2, then the kids.  The kids were almost the same level as the partner.  AS soon as she said that I got quite.  It really hit me.  I’ve always been trying to make everyone else happy.  all the time.  Never myself.

Well by the time we got home, we were in another fight.  In this fight she asked if I was in love with her.  I stumbled on my answer, pretty much meaning no.  then she asked me if i can see my life without her.  I said yes.  That destroyed her.

I’ll just say this, by the end of the night, i felt like a piece of shit.

So the next day rolls around.  Now we are back where we were again??  Now we are  “working on it” again.  I don’t understand this.

I know she will do absolutely anything to make me happy and to be with me.  That kills me.  This is what i’ve always wanted.  Someone to give them self to me like this.  This is exactly how I felt about my ex.  I would have done anything within my power that she asked of me.

I wish i could feel the same about my girlfriend.

Sooooo back to the fight night.  She said she will not be pulling her kids out of school early and transferring until the end of the school year…  That’s in June!  So I don’t know what to do.  Especially now that things are back again the way they were.  back to us trying to make it work.

I think i really need to write a letter.  Every time we talk and fight, it comes to the point of us being done, then before you know it we are “working on it”.

Oh!  to top things off.  Last week, her son asked if he could call me dad.  FML.  I feel like i’m just ruining lives all over the place.  I did say no though.

I’m sorry that i am all over the place with this post…  I am going to write a letter.  I need to have something that she can see and go back to and re-read over and over.  I really think it would help.  I am going to tell her that I was in love with her, but everything has killed that feeling.  That I do love her still, and that is why I keep giving in and telling her we will try.  That I’ve been thinking more and more about me needing to make myself happy.  And that this relationship and situation isn’t doing it for me.  I need to think about myself now, not in 10 years from now when the kids are moved on.  I’m going to tell her that she can stay her thru the end of the school year, but I need her to find a place to live by then, whether it be at her mom’s or sisters, or brothers or whatever.  That I will help her and her kids in any way possible.  I think i’m also going to see about just getting my kids every other weekend until she is gone to help there be less stress around the house.  I’m going to call their mother today and see what she says.  I’m going to list all the things in this letter that make me upset or unhappy and tell her these things aren’t fixable, these are things that are characteristics of her and her kids and her life.  That this isn’t something that she should change for me.  That she needs to be the person she is.  Just like I need to be the person that I am  and that we just don’t mesh well.  We did in the beginning, but that was before we combined family and started living together.  That as much as I want this, I don’t see a future here.  I just see me trying to keep everyone else happy and me being miserable inside.  That I have been having mixed feelings for a while now.  And that the feelings my daughters have been having is just another added reason for this.  I will tell her that I wish things were different, but they aren’t.  That it’s not what I want, it’s what I need.

(side note: that is what my ex told me after we broke up, I never understood it until now.  This whole thing has shedd sooooo much light on my last relationship, it’s ridiculous!  I really wish though that her and I would have gotten into fights like this, I wouldn’t of been so blind sighted.  With her, it was all good on thursday, then all bad on friday.  No warning signs, nothing, just done.— I’ll get back to my letter now 🙂

That I need to feel happy coming home, being home, being able to do the things I want without feeling guilt because she can’t.  Or just be free.  That I’m just not happy anymore and haven’t been for awhile.  That no matter how hard we could try to fix this, i just don’t see it happening.  Period.

This sucks.  Why is my heart so freaking big?  I would seriously rather be miserable than hurt her anymore.  Well wish me luck.  I will keep in touch.  Later…

update:

Well, Last weekend I was going to talk to her Friday night, but when she got home her mom asked if we could have dinner with them and her sister.  So i wasn’t going to ruin that.  Then saturday rolled around and Then it was sunday.  So  Monday came around.  I had my daughters stay with their mom Monday night.   I told her that my daughters are unhappy and my oldest doesn’t even want to come over anymore.  I said we are all unhappy.  I mean everyone.  and that because of things i have done(talking to my ex repeatedly behind her back) that I don’t think i can ever show her the love she needs and I don’t think she will ever not have some doubt and insecurity with me.  I pretty much said that I don’t think we are compatible as a family and such.   Well, she was hurt and all, but then in denial again.  It’s been two days and she’s still thinking we are going to be together forever.  She even said that my daughter is just using this for attention!  She did say it feels like pins and needles now around the house.  Which is very true.  I’ve just been in the shop overnight working on my car all night.  only saying a minimum.  She did say something about her needing to find a place to live, but I think she just says that to try to get me to tell her no, stay here.  I didn’t though.  I was just quite.  I think I’m going to take my girls  riding this weekend, just them and me and leave her and her kids home.  Then come next week, I’m going to have to write her a letter.  Something I can get out in words saying everything that needs to be said.  I have decided that I need her gone.  I do love her very much.  I know this because it does hurt.  But at the same time, it’s too much.  She is getting so clingy and needy.

on a side note, It’s freakin amazing how much this situation has really made me think about my ex.  How if she was having any doubts in her mind about us in the last month or two.  How I was just like my girlfriend is now.  Just kept pestering her, basically being a little whiny insecure person looking for her attention, doing whatever she needed and wanted with no backbone.  I know this because now, my girlfriend is texting me all the time over nothing, when I need to be left alone to think.  That is exactly what I did with my ex.  The more she texts and bothers me the more irritated and tired I get of her.  The world is a cruel and ironic place that is for sure.  classic saying”  If i would have known then what I know now…”  I would of know to leave my ex completely alone, when she first showed signs, I should of just walked away, swallowed my pride and hurt and just left.  To be completely honest, that is what she needed.  I think If I would of done that, stood up for myself instead of just taking the rejection and constantly badgering her with being weak and insecure, then she would have thought twice and came back.  But instead I was in her face constantly.  This is just crazy and it hurts to see how I really was with her.

So back to my girlfriend.  As I was saying, I’m going to work on a letter for her and probably send an email.  I know that sounds tacking and bad, but I am bad at confrontation.  I stumble with words and don’t say everything I need to.  I do think this weekend or maybe monday i will do that.  Since I don’t have my girls next week.  I will do my  best and being nice, but yet telling her that it is over and I can’t do this anymore.  That i really need to focus on myself and my girls.  That I will help her in any way that I can, but we do need to find somewhere for her to go, that even trying to be roommates would make for a worse situation.

This has got to be one of the worst times in my life.  Because i’m breaking the hearts of her and her kids, feeling guilty cause she is in no place to start a new alone, just all in general, and of coarse because this whole thing has really made me understand what went wrong with my last relationship and how I caused the end because of how I acted and behaved.

I have to go.  been busy work week.  I will keep you posted.

She was your best friend… but have you ever had a different best friend (girl or guy) in your life that you don’t talk to much now? I know I have, and it sucked to lose them at first, but eventually you stop missing them so much. If you’ve had that experience, take this as the same as that, even if the feelings are stronger or different with her. It still doesn’t mean she was the best you’ll ever get.

The only best friend i really ever had is my buddy that i still see on a regular basis, we’ve know each other since we were 12.  so for 33 years now.  There have been times when either of us moved away for a year or two and it didn’t bother me.  Not like this.  It’s so hard to explain.  There a so many times in a day when i see something or do something, and I just want to tell her.  Not even a romantic thing, just because that’s what we did.  I guess a way to put it in perspective is if a family member or animal died that lived with you, for the begging, you forget sometimes and when you get home you call out to them or think they are there.  I guess that’s kind of how I feel, but it’s a year and a half later!  We did not communicate very well in the end, but before that freaking weekend trip away.  Even though we were 120 miles apart,we were in separable.  We kept in touch frequently throughout the day and night every day.

Why am I such a mess.   I hate it.  I hate this empty shell or ghost of a man that I am anymore.

I even recently wrote a song!  WTH!!   I’m not a poet or a song writer, but i love music, seems like later more of the sappy heartbreak shit.  I know I shouldn’t listen to that crap, but it speaks to me.

As far as books, i can only read a couple pages before my mind wanders…

I need to handle my current situation also before I can start counseling.  It is a real ironic blow to the mind that now, it really feels like I’m playing the role of my ex and my current girlfriend is playing the role of me.  I can feel so much more empathy for what my ex must have been feeling in the end of our relationship now.  And how i just made things worse, when all I had to do was walk away and let her breathe for a bit.

I need to go, talk soon…