I have told myself that before.  That it’s okay that i do think about her.  The problem for me is that I still can’t help but feel like we are meant to be together.  Like if i just wait and be patient that some how some way we will end up together.  I really think a big part of the loss is losing my best friend also.  Someone that i absolutely connected with like no body ever before.  I know ” if we connected so deeply, then why couldn’t we communicate?”  Well I honestly think i couldn’t communicate to her how I felt, because I knew how much drama she was dealing with with her family, work, ex-husband, everything that the last thing I wanted to do was to add to that.  (I know now that it would of been the best thing to do, to have been 100% honest with her about how I felt like I was getting pushed aside and in the dark when she should have been talking to me), but at that time.  I felt that I could hold out until it all passed, i could wait for my turn.

For her, all she saw was this sweet, nice man that just wanted to make her happy and she didn’t want to hurt me either.  When she should have told me exactly what was going on and how she was feeling, instead of “sparing my feelings” and causing more pain and suffering for the both of us.

I am trying, I really am.  just hard at times.  I can’t wait for the day that i don’t have to try anymore.

Mark, I just simply plan on telling her that i don’t think we are compatible.  Not as families or lovers.  That the amount that we fight and disagree and have issues with our children and our children having issues with each other is too much.  That in fact it is reversed.  What i mean by that is that for the amount of time we fight or have problems is the amount of time that we should be happy and all getting along and vise versa.  I’m going to tell her that I’m just not happy like I should be and my girls are not happy either.  That we need to be on our own.  That I need significant time to also rebuild my relationship with my girls.  That I just can’t do this anymore.  Feeling guilty and responsible for her happiness and wellbeing.

I am going to ask her to move out.  I really don’t know how that is going to go, since she cannot afford a place of her own, even with assistance.  The waiting list for housing assistance is closed in my state because it is so long.  It could take years for her to get that granted to her.  I’m going to suggest that she talk to her family members and see if she can stay at any of their places and store her belongings there or she might have to get a storage place which sucks, cause that is more money also.

She does know i’ve been feeling this way, when we do fight, i do bring it up.  Our last fight she did bring up moving out and I agreed, but by the end of the night she went into a panic or anxiety attack(I think)  It was pretty bad.  The way she was freaking out. It was almost like she was having a mild heart attack.  I was actually pretty scared for her and almost took her to the hospital.  So that killed our fight and i took care of her.  Which she misinterpreted for us being all better.  Since that fight, she has been a lot better.  But I know it’s only a matter of time before another fight.

This just sucks in the worst way.  It would be so much easier if she could afford to find a place on her own.  And having her kids involved just complicates things even worse.  Honestly if I could afford it I would give her enough money to live on for a year so she could move on and we could both get our lives together.  I can’t though.

I do love her.  That is one of the problems.  I do care for her and her kids.  I’m not “in love” with her like a man should be.  That is my fault.  My fault for pursuing this relationship when I still had hangups on my my last one.  I should of listened to advice in the beginning and ended it then.  But I really did think we had a lot in common and I did enjoy being with her.  I thought it would be a good thing and turn into a great thing.  I think that all the problems we had to face together just became too much for me and my girls.

Now I feel stuck in this situation and I only see it getting worse before it gets better.  She really is a good woman, she just has had a bad go at life.  I know we all make our own decisions, however her kids father being a deadbeat dad is not something that she could control.  If he wasn’t, things may be better.  If she was getting her child support and other support with her kids their whole lives, and having their father there to share custody, so she could get away once in awhile.  I know things would of played out different.

I need to go.  I will keep you all posted on this.  feeling down and guilty right now.  gotta get to work.  later.

okay, so I’ve been biding my time.  Like I said, i want her to get going on her new job before i drop them bomb.  In doing so… I think she is actually a little crazy.  These last couple/few days and nights haven’t been bad at all.  She’s been in a better mood and trying to not get all weird and insecure and stuff.  The problem is that she is in total denial about our last fight a few days ago.  The fight that  she said “fine, i will just leave then” and I agreed with her.  I guess the problem that night was that by the end of the fight, she had a anxiety attack or something.  Her heart was racing and she could barely breathe.  I had to get  paper bag and help her breathe again.  Then the next day she acted like everything was great.  I don’t understand why she acts like that.  I’m still distant and quite.  She keeps planning and talking like we are going to be together forever.   And all I can think about is being able to separate without guilt….  The good news is that she may have another option.  Her Brother and his girlfriend ended recently and he now has some extra space at his house.  I don’t know if that is really  an option for her, however i don’t think he would turn her away.  I’m really thinking about talking to her this weekend.  I don’t have my girls and she will have done her first week at work.  I am not looking forward to this conversation at all.  I feel so messed up in the head right now.  I know we are not healthy for each other.  But I will miss her.  We do get along good when, well honestly it’s s lot to do with when kids aren’t involved.  Like this last weekend for example.  Her son stayed the night at a fiends house Friday night, so her and I and all three girls went out to dinner.  My girls were good and respectful and her daughter was being a little B&*$%.  I hate saying that but i don’t know how to describe her attitude and behavior.  Even my girlfriend said, if its not one of her kids, its the other.  After dinner though, everything was good.  That night and all the way up until her son came home.  he wasn’t in the door 5 minutes before he was whining and throwing a fit.  Really makes it stressful.  I think my girlfriend has gotten so used to it, she see’s it, but doesn’t realize how bad and frequent it is and she enables it.  I just can’t handle it anymore.

Wow, i’ve gotten way off track here.  Back to me trying to end this whole mess.  Like I said, I think I’m going to talk with her this weekend.  I need to just tell her that we aren’t health for each other right now.  That I feel like either I’m walking on egg shells or she is all the time.  And that our families just don’t mix well.  They do love each other and get along, however their is always drama or someone is always upset.  I just can’t do this anymore, but yet I feel so horrible.  I am not looking forward to this conversation at all…

This is so hard!  Why am I such a “nice guy”?  The thought of hurting her and her kids is killing me.  I want to talk to her so bad, but I can’t.  I know I need to and I have to.  But damn.  She is starting a new job on Monday and she needs to be able to focus on it.  I know if i say something now that that will make it difficult for her too.  On the other hand, I feel like i’m living a lie anymore. I keep watching time tick away…. waiting for the right moment. I know that the longer I wait the harder it will be also though.  To make things worse, she went out and bought all of our kids some starter stuff for easter already.  Which brought back a memory to last easter…  She came over with her kids and we all did eggs.  She stayed over the night before.  We had a good time.  But when she was getting ready to leave, my oldest daughter and my ex-wife stopped by to get my girls.  My g-friend mis-read the situation and grabbed all her stuff and was leaving.  I went out to talk to her and she was shaking.  She was gonna leave for good.  “you don’t want me here”  she showed signs then and I didn’t see them.   UGH!  I really have to talk to her and I”m so afraid to.  This sucks so bad.  It would be so much easier if she did not have kids.

I did talk to my daughter yesterday though.  The one that came to me a couple weeks ago.  I told her that I may be talking to my g-friend soon and that I don’t know if things are going to work out.  That I feel like we are all unhappy most of the time and that it would be best if we separated.  I told her that the problem is my girlfriend has no where to go right now and with her employment situation I don’t know if it is going to get any better any time soon.  That if/when this does happen, we may end up changing room arrangements at the house for a while.  She looked upset.  She said she understands, but that she does love my girlfriend and her kids like they are family.  She asked if that does happen and if she does leave if she and I were still going to see each other.  I told her no, that if we can’t make this work, it will be even harder then and it would be best if we were done.  She then asked if she could still see my girlfriend and her kids once in a while.  I told her maybe we could arrange something.

this is so incredibly hard to do.  It’s funny cause when my ex-wife left.  She just left, we were done.  No hard feelings.  It was easy.  Now it feel worse and more difficult.  I don’t understand.

I do know that if this was my ex-girlfriend.  I would of done anything in the world that I could have to make it better.  ANYTHING.  I should feel that way now and I don’t.

My girlfriend does though.  I really hate/apprieciate this situation.  It really has opened my eyes about my past.  My ex must have been struggling like this for some time off and on, then at the end, I lost my shit and made things ten times worse when she needed me most just to be there and back off and let her come to me.  Instead i bombarded her every day.  Made it all about me.  Which is what ultimately drove her away.  Just like my girlfriend is doing to me know.  my ex and I never really fought though, I wish we would of, then maybe things would of been more clearer with me.  But with my girlfriend, when we fight, I tell her what I think and it still doesn’t change how she behaves.

Give me strength for this.  I need it.  If I know one thing about myself it that i’m a lover not a fighter.  It is very hard for me to not feel bad and sacrifice my own feelings and needs for others.  There are many time i wish i was one of those people that didn’t give a crap….

thank you.

I really think my girlfriend is delusional or in denial about the whole thing.  She is weird, because she says she knows i don’t love her like i did my ex.  and that she doesn’t think i will, but yet she still wants to stay with me.  I’m really not looking forward to our conversation at all.  It just really sucks that she is in the financial situation she is in right now.  It would be so much easier if she could afford a place of her own.

I have to add, too, that ever since I started really taking responsibility for everything that’s happened in my life, it sort of frustrates me when other people don’t. You did not ruin her. She ultimately chose to put herself into the position she is in now.

I agree 100%.  She has told me “you were the one that wanted me to move in”.  When in fact she wanted to just as much or more.  She has said several times about her giving up her place to live and relocating her kids.  Which makes me feel even more guilty and responsible.  She does need to take responsibility for her moving in also.  It wasn’t like we were exactly on cloud 9 when she did.  She should have decided to wait and make sure all was good  between us.  I do take responsibility as well.  I should of never done it, knowing that I still had feelings  for my ex and all.  But at the time, I did think it was the right thing to do.  We all make mistakes.  I guess the hard part is accepting that and taking care of it.

It is going to be so difficult talking to her about all of this.  She still is talking bout things in the future.  Like distant future.  When she does, it makes me uncomfortable because I don’t see the same future she does.  It makes me feel even more guilty.  Even after that big fight we had.  Later that night, she dismissed it like it was nothing.

I think all of this has really helped and then raised questions in me with problems with my ex.  Her and I never fought, we did have a couple arguments, but even up until the end, she was the one talking about living together down the road and having a future together.  Where as now as roles are reversed in my current situation, i don’t.  but yet my girlfriend still does.

all so confusing to me.  It really doesn’t help feeling the way I still do about my ex.  The worst part is that I can’t forget one of the last things she told me when we last talked at the end of December when she told me she thinks about me often.  That really has thrown my heart and mind for a loop.  I guess part of me thinks that if she does still think about me that much that there is still hope there because of what she said.  I know it’s a fantasy, but I can’t help the way I feel.  I have learned that I really need to be on my own until I can get these issues resolved in my head and heart and finally have the closure and know in my heart and mind that “it” will never be with my ex, or if it is to be again that it will happen if/when it happens, that I can’t change that outcome.   I really need to get back to myself, with just me and my girls. I need to make them and me my priority anymore, NOT other people, no matter how I feel about them.

there are several times, that I wish I would have never started dating after my wife left me.  I was alone for 2 years and I was good.  I didn’t have any of this trouble or heartache.  Life does stink some times.  Love definitely stinks right now.  LOL….

Okay, let me ask you this…. what do you think it is that is making her depressed and upset? Is it the situation you two are in or something else?

I think she is depressed because she feels like it’s not working out.  She feels like “why am I cursed” or something like that.  Between her kids always being little shits, and then mine recently bringing up the fact that they are unhappy.  Then I don’t show her what I should as a boyfriend.  A big problem is her own doing.  She snooped on my phone a while back about a message I wrote to my sister, in confidence.  About how I was feeling and how i felt about my ex (how when we were together, every time she would call, text, or whatever i would get butterflies).  So now she compares her self to her and others for other reasons.  It’s her own fault there.  She shouldn’t of snooped on my phone and read my private thoughts.

Also, her jealousy is very clearly out of control at this point. Do you think it’s likely to get worse the more you continue the relationship or do you think talking to her would make her stop being so accusatory or suspicious? Because it definitely doesn’t seem to be getting any better yet.

I really don’t ever see it getting any better.  I think too much damage has been done on my part by still keeping in contact with my ex.  Any time my phone goes off or if I don’t check in or am gone longer than she thinks i should be.. there is questions.  I honestly think she is even jealous of my kids at times..

To me, this relationship as it is seems like it’s very toxic for both of you.

I agree about this.  I don’t see it getting any better.  I really need to sack up and just tell her how i feel.  That we have gone too far in the wrong direction and that I don’t see any light at the end of the tunnel.  That I feel like I will always be watching what I’m doing and she will always be jealous or suspicious.  And then there are our kids.  It feels like there is never a time when all of our kids are happy at the same time. Not even for a moment.  As much as I do love her and her kids, there is too much drama and I feel it’s best if we go our own ways before it gets worse and way out of control.  I’m thinking I will try to talk to her this weekend.  The problem is it will probably be a while before she can move out, and I don’t know how uncomfortable things will be until then. This is such a sour pickle it sucks.  She doesn’t even start her new job until march 18th.  And with it she will only get paid once a month.  Then there is her kids.  She will have to transfer them back to their old school.  I feel so bad about all of this.  The guilt is killing me.  Like I said before, it’s almost easier for me to suffer then to put her through this.  I think If we can figure something out for her to move out, I might see about having my kids stay with their mom for a few weeks, and I get them for a day here or there on the weekends until she can leave.  I don’t know though if that would be worse or what?  I’m so lost.  This is so hard with us both having children involved and it is compounded by 1000 with her employment situation.  At least if she was making decent money and could find a place right away it would be different.

Well I’m hoping to get the courage up to talk to her this week.  Yesterday was a doosey.  Everything was good, had a snow day, kids were all playing and having fun.  I came home from work early and we all had a good day, then about 5:00, my 8 year old daughter came inside the house, she looked all sad and poopy.  We asked her whats wrong and she said she just wants to talk to me. We said she can talk to both of us.  She said she “liked it the way it used to be”.  Holy Cow! instant tears from my girlfriend and attitude.  Not towards my daughter, just in general.  I told her that my daughter was just tired, cause she was very tired from playing all day.  I honestly think she was just saying that to get attention.  I’m not dismissing it, i do think she feels some of that, cause she did tell me personally she is tired of all the fighting.  I think she means between my girlfriend and her kids, cause there is a lot of that everyday.

Well that all hit my girlfriend really hard, and again she started comparing us to others.  SO….  I’m thinking later this week when my girls aren’t home I talk with her.  Tell her that some families are compatible and maybe some aren’t.  That maybe too much damage has been done on my part and overall to come back from.  That we all do love her and her kids, however this is not working out.  Either my kids are upset, her kids are upset or either of us is upset.  That we need to figure out something and maybe she can move in with her mother for awhile, until she can figure out her situation.  That I’m not forcing her out right now or untying but we need a plan.  And most importantly that I will help her in any way and as much as I can to be able to get back on her feet.  This is going to be so hard.  She is so depressed already.  For me it’s almost easier for me to be “trapped” then to hurt her more.  I know that i need to do this.  It’s just so hard.  She loves me so much and I feel like i really have ruined her life… and her kids…  I really do.  I wish I would of never had her move in.

Well, we took a day trip yesterday with all of the kids to go play in the snow.  We didn’t have boots that fit her daughter anymore, and could’t find any, of coarse her daughter didn’t want to were her moms boots, cause they were too big, and then there was glove issues.  no gloves fit right or she didn’t like them.  So basically, my 8 yr old daughter gave her 9 year old daughter her boots and gloves and my 8 yr old wore rubber rain boots and shitty gloves and was all good about it and didn’t complain, she just wanted to have fun.  She did get cold but she toughed it out.

Meanwhile her daughter was being a premadona princess the whole time.  Then once we got to the snow her son acted up,  I don’t know what triggered him this time, but he got very upset and violent.  A few times.  Her kids pretty much ruined the day.  I hate saying this and don’t feel comfortable, but it’s true.  She (my girlfriend) even said.  “next time, i will find a sitter for my kids, or me and them just wont go”  She was in tears before we even left the mountain and cried most of the way home and last night.  She had me stop at the liquor store for her cause she was out of booze.  She got a pint of fireball also.  when we got home she started swigging on that pretty good as well.

I really need to talk to her.  This sucks.  It would be so much easier if she had her shit together though.   I know I need to end this, because she brings up things about the future, and all i can think is that there is no future, that i don’t want this anymore.  What i need and want she can’t give me and what she needs and wants from me, i can’t give to her.  I think I’m going to talk to her sometime this week.  I really don’t know how to start this conversation and what exactly to say.

I’m thinking of just telling her we need to talk, then telling her that this just isn’t working for me anymore.  That I do love her, however I feel unhappy more than not, I feel like i have to watch what i do or say and that I have ruined her trust in me too much to be repaired.  That i can’t have her question me anytime i get a message or email, and have her bring up feeling like none of my friends or family want her in our lives or  her analyzing everything.  cut and dry, i’m not happy, and I really don’t thing she is either.  I feel like our families just don’t mesh well.  Our lifestyles are too different.   Or something…  I’m really bad at this sort of thing.

any help in a better way to say things would be greatly appreciated.