Anita, i understand.  thank you for all you have done and said.

nextstep.  thank you for your input.  A lot of what you said makes perfect sense.  It’s just me being able to drive that through my brain.

I dont know the answer to that, but i think it could be more about wanting to FEEL and to feel GOOD or at least intense about something as everything else is kinda numb.. is that the same for you?

Kind of.  of coarse I want to feel good and have that intense feeling.  Who wouldn’t.  Bottom line though is that I miss her tremendously.  It’s been killing me these last couple days.  I really feel like i’m just starting to grieve all over again.  I don’t understand how it’s been a year later, and to me it feels like yesterday.

I’ve been having so many thoughts come and go.  Been trying to just let them go by or  on a shelf.  It feels like in the last couple weeks i’ve been having to many more triggers than normal.  I don’t know if because in a week is when she supposedly met her new man, or because of xmas and I am reminded of our first xmas together.  We didn’t actually spend xmas together, the weekend before.  But just the thought she put into things for me was  incredible.  Really made me feel special.

Then, I know Im not supposed to do this, I think about her boyfriend.  What makes him so freaking special?  I will start to think,” I wonder if she flaked or flakes out on him like she had done with me before?”  I wonder if she treats him like he is number one?  I wonder how the hell she could fall so in love with the first guy she met after me?   How can she have just forgotten us and moved on so fast?….   UGH!.   I trying my hardest to let all this shit just pass through my brain.  I really need to find some time to read up on all of BRAV’s posts.  I hope that will help.

I know i should let those thoughts go and I have no control and will never know answers.  That doesn’t mean that those questions and thought don’t come into my mind though.

I  hate it.  I hate that i’m still letting her control my life.  Another example is this moon globe thing.  She absolutely loves the moon and I bought her this little globe that would light up on a stand.  She loved it.  Well i was on FB yesterday and guess what popped up for sale, the same type thing, except you could have a silhouette of a picture put on it and a phrase on the backside.  That was awesome.  almost made me cry seeing that.

I really think that my life now has contributed to a lot  of how I’m feeling.   I think the fact that I have been “grounded” in a sense and am pretty much facing the responsibility of racing a family and supporting my girlfriend and her kids.  (she is quitting her job so she can be home more, which is good.  But unfortunately the next job she got is a considerable pay cut).  I am all for it and supporting her about this decision.  But that means things will get a lot tighter on money.  However she will be home every night and only working 4 days a week.  Which is awesome!  it will remove a lot of stress and resentment for me.

Then thoughts come in about my ex’s life.  Is she living the time of her life?  Are her dreams of what she has been wanting to do for a few years finally coming true.  All these things that I was waiting for that seemed to plague her, she has now done and is past.   on and off through our relationship, she always said how she hated her workplace anymore, well she found a new job.  She always felt down on herself for how she was kind of a packrat about her bedroom and stuff.  She took care of that.  She had a hard time getting out and doing things with friends.  She does that now too.  And lastly, she hated living at her house.  The place that her and her ex raised her kids.  It was a constant reminder of her past.  Well she recently sold her house, so that is better too.  These were all things that hurt me to see hurt her.  And all I wanted was to help her past that so we could enjoy our life more, with out all the negativity of her past life getting in the way.  Now…  She finally has done that and it feels like i’m living her old life.  How ironic is that?

When she used to talk to me about these things.  I would tell her, ” I wish I could take all this away, carry all this pain for  you so you could be happy”.  She told me never to wish that because it could happen.  If anything, wish for it all just to go away.  Well I think it did happen.  Because it’s like now, I dwell on my ex and her boyfriend. (she hated her ex-husbands girlfriend she referred to her as the whore), I can’t look at anything without it triggering emotions just like she hated seeing everything around her house and being in it.  It’s crazy.

I go through these emotions and feelings of despair, hurt, resentment, hope, and lots more.  Then i begin to hate her for what she did, and I hate him for sweeping in and taking my girlfriend away.  Sometimes i think that if she wouldn’t of met him, that we would of had a second real chance at repairing our relationship.

I know, can’t dwell on the could of, should of, what if things.  Can’t help it when those thoughts run through my brain.  Then i will think, just need to be patient.  I need to wait her relationship with him to fail and then maybe…   I hate that i think those things so freaking much.  I seriously do have a problem.  I really do need to take charge of my own life and quit worrying about the past or the future.

So….    I decided. I’m going to have a weekend with my girlfriend.  Going to arrange for her kids to be somewhere and get away for a weekend.  We’ve never done that.  All good, got kids taken care of, found a cabin to rent for two nights about an hour away.  So where does my idiotic brain go.  Instantly to the ole memories bank.  Remembered when I took my ex away to the coast, rented a beach house.  It was only about 3-4 months into our relationship.  We had the best time ever.  So many wonderful memories from that weekend.  DAMNIT!…

How do I have memories like that and just be happy for them without feeling depressed?

I will read up on Brav’s posts soon.  I’m excited to learn.  I hope i do.

for now, just going to try to get by day by day…

Keeping it  simple, you don’t want  to be a dad or a caretaker to young children. You want to have fun with a woman who does not have young  children and who is able to do fun things in weekends with you. When you have a girlfriend  like this, who is of course nice to you, affectionate, then you will forget all about your ex again, just like you did before, don’t  you think?

You are right.  That’s why i’m waiting to see if when her work schedule changes i feel better and things get better.  Where Im not “grounded” all the time watching her kids and I can do things on my own as well.  Even then it would be easier to find help watching them so we can enjoy ourselves more.

Brandy, I did not read through all of his posts.  I plan on doing that more in depth soon.  been somewhat busy and my laptop at home is a POS.  So i mainly get on here when at work.  I am curious of everything thought and how he did fix himself.

I do know that i am very stubborn (if you haven’t figured that out. haha).  It is going to take a lot for me to get over me thinking certain things.  And be very hard for me to read a book.  I’ve never been a book reader.  I have a problem of reading fast and not seeing the meaning behind things.  I am willing to do anything though.  I need to be done with this.  I did cry again today 🙁

Today is a bad day.  I’m working on letting my thoughts go as fast as they come into my head.  I wish I would of never started talking to her again.  I was doing so well before then.  It’s all I can do not to want to contact her.  I know that’s the worst thing I could ever do.  Just hurting a bit today.  I have a feeling it’s going to be a little rougher than normal until the holidays are over.

My freaking brain thought, I could send her a xmas card or a Merry Xmas message.  What the hell am i thinking.  That would just start all this pain all over again.  This is so difficult sometimes.  It’s very hard to tell myself that it is over.  Even knowing all the facts and the main fact that she is in a happy relationship with someone for almost a year now.  I think a big part of my problem is I fall backwards and think why wasn’t i worth the effort, especially after how patient I was with all of her baggage and issues she had and how much I waited for her to be better.  Or I think that this guy is just a comfort guy and she can’t feel towards him like she did me.   I know, i’m a little retarded for even going there.  Just thoughts that run through my head.  I am doing my best and letting them go.  Gosh though, sometimes it really tugs at my heart bad.  I’m sure as more time goes on i will get better.

I was thinking about it.  When we stopped talking after we first broke up.  It was 3 months or so with no contact.  then i had steady off and on contact with her,  keeping my hopes there and emotions there also for 6 months.  It has now been only about 2 months without contact with her.  So in a way i guess i’ve been starting all over, grieving all over again.  Maybe in another few months i will be a lot better.  Dang it still hurts though.  I really do miss her.  when i get like this, i feel like i would give anything just for a chance to make her laugh and smile again and hear and see it.

Man.   I can’t express all these feelings rushing through.  I’m pushing through it.  putting them on a shelf.  Hopefully they stay there..

Thanks for listening again.

One thing I’ve noticed. Good and bad is that my girlfriend seems to have the same insecurity issues I did with my ex.

The good is that her being that way with me really makes me see the type of person I was. The bad is that it is u attractive. That feeling of always being questioned about anything I do or don’t say. It does put a strain on the relationship. And then the good/bad combo. Isthat seeing that strain on us really makes me realize that if that was the problem that it does make sense why she wanted a break and then did leave me and that if this continues. I don’t know if this relationship might end up the same but by my choice. The universe is very screwed up. That’s for sure.

But one good thing is that my girlfriend and I do talk about this stuff whereas my ex and I didn’t. I was just left assuming and she wouldn’t tell me what we both needed her to.

Oh maybe.  I see your point there.  Now that you mention that there was someone that i did briefly date that did well for herself.  was very active (did things/trips on weekends) and her child was 17.  When i was talking to her, all thoughts of my ex faded out very fast, I got that excitement i did have with my ex when she would text or whatever.  She even dressed up similar to my ex.  I only went out with her a couple times, we did text a lot though.

gives me something to think about i guess…

Ugh. I fell down the rabbit hole.

I need help. I can’t stop thinking. I’m trying to think of other stuff. But my thoughts keep going back to the question…

what happened that weekend that made her come back a different woman?

I know it doesn’t matter. It’s just killing me. God I hope I can get past this all together someday. There are more good days lately. But nights like tonight really take a toll. So many questions run through my head when I start thinking about it. One of the bigger ones is that she kept telling me after we broke up she has no regrets. Why in the world would someone say that?  My freaking brain goes into overdrive like she did do something but doesn’t regret doing it. Holy cow! I need to turn this off.

I don’t understand how it takes over and consumes me like this. I hate it so much. I’m sure I’ll be fine tomorrow. But right now…   this sucks.

Thanks for listening to me rant again.