Well. I had a pretty good weekend. Became a grandpa on Friday. Cute little man!

had a pretty good weekend with my girlfriend although we did get in a pretty bad fight Friday night. We made up Saturday morning.

Today was the only day I really thought about my ex. I did each other day. But not for very long.

im defiantly missing her today though. This time of year is so hard. It’s hard not to wish that I could go back. I know that I can’t and that it may have not changed things. Just tough. Especially seeing commercials about true love and jewelry. She loved her jewelry. There are still so many little things that draw me in and it’s hard to move past it

It really hurts today though. I’m really working on trying to let those memories and thoughts pass through.  Very  hard though.   I just want to hold her. To see her smile at me. Even just here her voice.  It’s killing me. I hope that I can get through today feeling better.

well.  Last night was a little rough.  I really need my girlfriend to find a job with dayshift weekday work schedule like mine.  It’s my week without my kids.  She is working, and I am at home watching her kids again 🙁  I just wanted to get away for a bit.  Go hang with friends at the bar, or something.  Instead, i’m home doing homework with kids, cooking, cleaning, helping them, getting them ready for bed and school the next day.

It’s nights like last night that does make it hard for me.  That I really miss what I had with my ex.  I would of went down to see her normally usually once a week night every two weeks.  And last night would of been that night.  I do miss that.  I almost miss just getting out and away from my house and life here and there more than missing her?, I think?? don’t know…

So, in my depression and whatnot.  I was bad, got on FB and searched her name.  I didn’t expect anything to show up because she had blocked me last time we messaged and told me pretty much to leave her alone, ect…  However, I had this weird feeling in my gut.  I can’t explain it.  But something that made me question it and search.

anyways, wouldn’t you know it, she unblocked me.  We are not friends on FB, so I can’t see any new posts or pics or anything since she unfriended me after we broke up.

I didn’t try messaging her or anything.  I had a moment of weakness and searched her, that was it.

It did make me question though…  Why would she unblock me?  If you are done with someone, and they are blocked, then why go through the trouble of unblocking them??  Very confusing.  I asked my friend.  She told  me that she thinks that my ex likes to mess with me.  To keep me just a little bit there in a way.  To reel me in and then push me away.

I agreed to a point, but then also have to wonder if she does miss me and searched my name and just wanted to see pics?

Then i thought… SEE!  This is what started to mess everything up in my head in the first place!  Anytime she did anything, I started to overthink every little thing and assume shit.  Instead of just thinking she did what she did for reasons i don’t know.

I do want to contact her again, but I know that it would just make things worse for me.  So i’m not going to.  I do have a journal on my phone that i’ve been writing in occasionally when i do want to contact her.  That does help a lot too.

It is funny about how we had talked about the addiction and motivation when it comes to this.  As soon as I saw that she had unblocked me, I got all amped up.  Motivated, happy, ect…   It’s freaking stupid how that works.  How the mind works.  I then decided.  I’m just going to keep on keeping on.  I’m determined to get back into the person I was.  The person that used to do crap all the time, share it on FB with my friends, ect…  Be happy and proud of who i am and what i do.  That’s who I used to be.  happy go lucky, goofy, having fun with whatever.  Sharing my life with the world.  I used to love that.  Who knows, if I force my self to do some of those things, maybe it will make me happier…

. I kind of think it’s silly she considers that betraying her trust anyway.

she was a little funny that way.  Basically what was the final straw or her excuse was that I copied and pasted a text she had sent to me, and I accidentally sent it to back to her by mistake.  She is very private and isn’t one to “parade” her feelings, ect..  Anything said or done was special, just between us.  So the idea of me sharing that text, especially with her friend “talking behind her back”  Felt like a huge betrayal to her, and that I lied to her about it, then also lied to her about how i felt.  I never told her how i really felt about things when they went south.  I always told her, it was okay and I understand.  Which was a lie.  It wasn’t and I didn’t.

She has a really big issue with lying.  She told me from the beginning about that.  So in a way i was lying to her for a little while.

I’m not sure she’d be worth having back anyway because there’s a certain lack of understanding there, especially since she’s the one who betrayed your trust to begin with

this speaks volumes to me.  Weather or not she did cheat on me.  I still feel like she lied to me and betrayed my trust.  I trusted her with my heart.  I trusted that she would be upfront and honest with me about things.  Instead of not saying anything until she had had enough.  I guess we are both kind of guilty of some of the same things, the difference is that I was willing to do whatever it took to push through that hard time.  For her, it got rough and she bailed.  That really hurt.  Someone that had told me she would always protect my heart. Even promised it.  Then when my heart was on the line.  She left.  To me, that is someone that feels guilty about something.  whatever it may have been.

Thanks again.  I had a decent night last night btw.  I did have some reoccurring thoughts, but i tried to stay busy cleaning and stuff.   I was even able to get 6 hours of sleep!!

Got to get to work.  I’m sure i will be back  on here later.

Thanks again Valora.  I do have a question for you if you don’t mind?  More of a curiosity thing.

Valora, in response to your question. Why don’t I want to let her go.

I think it’s because I’m letting go of everything. It feels like I’m letting go of ever being with her again. Of really saying goodbye. I never really gave it a whole lot of thought. But letting go of her to me means letting go of the best thing I ever had in my life. Letting go of the idea of never  having that again.  I know what you’ve said about if it’s meant to be that it will happen someday  I think I’m hanging on so tight to what I had with her because I don’t want it to end.  Like I’m still living in the fantasy of what I had with her.  I guess a good example is some friends of mine took a weekend retreat this last weekend and posted all about it.  It really tugged at my heart because that was the life I used to have.  The romance I had with her.  The fun.  It hurts to see other people like that.  Because it reminds me of what I had .  It’s so hard to accept that that is gone for what seems like forever.  So hard to be happy for what I did have when I had it.

I know I have to quit comparing relationships  that’s not fair to anyone and only makes things worse.

i agree with you 100% on focusing on me. It’s very hard though. I want to be healthy. Eat better. Lose wieght. And quit smoking. But whenever I start to do those things I get depressed.  I think about how I was a hypocrite with her because I was always trying to help her with her things. Being healthy and losing weight and I said I would do it to and never did. It’s like no matter what I do it brings me back to her. I do know when I am busy. It helps a lot.  Also though when I’m home alone watching my girlfriends kids. It makes it worse.  Really conflicting.

I did have a pretty good weekend. My girlfriend and I got out for a couple hours on Friday night. I took all the girls out to lunch on saaturday. Then   Saturday night my girlfriend went out and had dinner. Then today hit. She was going to work and I started feeling depressed. It’s like whe I feel tied down. I really need to get over this. It’s so exhausting. I want to be happy again. I’m so tired of this feeling.

khasxo, your relationship sounded amazing.  Seriously it was how i felt.  Mine was a little bumpier, however we never really fought either, we clicked like you mentioned in yours.  it was nuts how well we got along and fed off of each other.

Valora, i’m trying to forget those thoughts when they hit.  Honestly it feels like they are coming more and more now though.  I don’t know what’s going on with my head.  I think  i have cried everyday this week.  twice one day.

I’ve been feeling regrets all week.  this morning was especially hard for me.  I woke up just before my girlfriend got home from work at 3AM.  We talked about her work and then she fell asleep.  i wasn’t able to.  I started thinking about “everything” again.  I tried not to, but it consumed me.  I wasn’t able to fall back asleep.

I understand that no matter what i did or didn’t do, that the outcome may have been the same.  I think the hardest thing is knowing that i wasn’t my self and I was a coward.  I don’t know if i would feel any better about this, if i would have done things differently.  For example, when she told me I was not going to the wedding and I just took it like a shmuck.  I should of told her exactly how I felt.  I was freaking pissed and i said nothing!  This was something that we had planned on for at least 6 months.  In fact when we found out about it, she told me I WAS GOING.  no choice.  LOL.  She even said she was going to pay for me to go.  It was that important to her. And then just a month and a week before then she was there for the bachorlette party and she told me that she talked with her brother about me.  quite a bit.  And that they were excited to meet me.  The fact that when she told me I wasn’t going and i just sat there.  “okay, i understand”  GOD!!!  I didn’t!  I didn’t know why in the hell i wasn’t a part of her life enough to be there by her side when her brother got married.  It killed me.  I wanted to tell her, “that’s bullshit!  This is something we have planned for months now, and for you to take that away.”  and that “I thought I was a part of your family, what better than to meet them all”  Even if it would of caused pain and hurt, at least I would of been honest with her and myself.  There were so many incidents at the end that i did that.  I didn’t stand up, even after she told me too.  She said several times, ” don’t be a doormat, not even to me”.  I still was.  I just took it and took it and took it.  When we started talking again, she would ask me questions about us.  Like she asked me if I thought her expectations were too high.  I did in the end I felt like sometimes I couldn’t meet up to what she expected of me.  So what did i say?  “No, mine were.  I expected too much”  I kept lying to both of us and being a coward.  That’s how I feel.

I really do think that is one of the reasons this is so freaking hard.  I stopped being myself.  And as soon as i did, that’s when things started to go bad.

She even told me once that i need to teach my girls better responsibility, make them start doing chores, ect…  My girls are now 8 and 12 BTW.  When she told me that, all i could think is WTF?  How can you tell me that, but yet you let your 17 and 19 yr old boys walk all over you.  It was like pulling teeth just to get them to take out the garbage or clean up after themselves, and then anytime they needed anything, even $20 for fast food.  She was right there giving in.  I wanted to tell her” how can you tell me this, when you don’t do the same or worse with your boys?”  and I didn’t.  Again, i just took it.

It absolutely kills me that i changed into such a insecure coward and didn’t speak my mind.  I did for them most part of our relationship and that worked.  Then I stopped, i just got pouty and butthurt, I wasn’t a man.  She needed that, we needed that.  for me to be independent and not so co-dependant.

Who knows if i wouldn’t of changed into that pile of sappy, spineless, little boy what the outcome may have been?  maybe we would of split up sooner?  maybe not?  I’ll never know.  I do know that me having that regret of changing into someone I wasn’t, thinking that it was for the best.  Holding my tongue and feelings to myself is a huge regret and very hard to think about forgiving myself.

I know all i can do is learn from this, and make better choices in the future.  It just hurts so bad.  It hurts that i was knowingly being that way and I still didn’t do anything about it.

Another regret i have is when we were talking afterwards, and she told me “I trusted you, and you betrayed my trust” (me going behind her back, talking to her friend about what was going on). “do you know how much that hurt me?”.  I didn’t have a response for her.  I was thinking though.  I wanted to say ” do you know how much it hurt me to have you kick me out of your family weekend that we had planned for half a year, pretty much ignore me all weekend, then when you came back, not talk to me for a week, then tell me you needed a break and not give me any reasons why?  Just treat me like a stranger?”  ” do you know how much that broke my heart and mind”.  But nooooo, i just took it, didn’t once defend myself or anything.  OH Man!  makes me so angry, upset, hurt, and more.

I feel like i cheated myself out of being able to say what i needed to say.

How do you let go of those kind of regrets?

It’s so hard.  not ever knowing if i wouldn’t have changed into that pathetic person that was too afraid to do or say anything, to tell her how I really felt, what the outcome would have been.  Yes, I know i can’t focus on the “could of, should of” crap.  It’s hard not to though.

Yes i do know it takes two.  but looking back, i think she was telling me these things, in her own way.  I do think that she should of taken the time and met with me and actually talked to me face to face about what was happening when she needed a break, instead of just a text message.  That would of helped me tremendously.  That is on her.

ugh.  so many mixed feelings every single day!  I hate this so much.

So, i’m just mainly angry venting here.  I need an outlet and unfortunately you all are it.   Again, i appreciate you all listening and helping.  Hearing all you stories does help me.  Helps me know that i’m not a freak.  Gives me hope that I can get passed this someday.  You don’t know how much it means to me.

I wish that i would of had the balls to stand up and talk to my ex like i have all of you.  I think it would have made a world of difference as to how i am doing now.

sorry, i accidentally quoted everything at the end of my last post

“This is something you need to forgive yourself for”

I’m trying to.  It is so hard for me not to feel like this was all my doing.  It has gotten me thinking so much about the person i am, then way i behave(d) and other things.  I do know that i did change who I was with her.  I think that is one of the harder things to accept and to be able to forgive.

I just don’t understand how every single day, i think of her.  Why I can’t just let go and be okay with it.  I understand the pedestal thing and mother type figure thing, but still.  I would think with the girlfriend I have now, how much she does love me and shows it, that that would be enough.

I feel like i’m wearing all our your patience thin.  (everyone that has responded).  I am sorry.  I have no where else to turn to.