Hello Rosemary,

From my very limited experience I think that it depends what you want to do. Do you want to contact them? If you contact them do you think anything will have changed? People do sometimes change over time and relationships do too.

I also think it depends what you want to achieve by contacting.

Personally I don’t think it is necessary to contact someone or involve yourself in someone’s life to forgive them. To use a cheesy metaphor a while ago I was stung by a bee. I have ‘forgiven’ the bee (not that I was angry with it in the first place because I do realise it had no choice) but I’m not about to find it and let it sting me again – because what would be the point in that?

• This reply was modified 10 years, 8 months ago by Buddhist Wife. Reason: My bad spelling hurts my eyes

Hello Sassypants,

I see your point about this being a bit too soon for dating. I suppose it depends what you mean by having a ‘good time’.

I think it is possible to have fun and not ignore the feelings of hurt from the breakdown of your previous relationship, as long as the boundaries are clear for both you and the new guy or guys. If you start trying to turn these relationships into serious relationships or start leaning on them for emotional support, that becomes slippery slope that might lead to more pain.

I also think there is a place for fun and laughter even in the darkest hours. I sometimes think we feel like we ought to be sat around in mourning as though we were starched and laced Victorians until such a time when we are officially deemed to be ‘over’ our last relationship. I think the reality is that our hearts are much more complicated then that and the pain and loss we feel from a break up is often processed in fits and starts.

Perhaps you need some other outlet for fun in your life? Can you take a creative class or just have a few nights out with your female friends?

Glad to hear you have found some peace Ringoo

Hi Zenhen,

All I can say is that in my experience as a parent, you need to have a really strong and happy relationship before having children because it puts an enormous strain on any couple. If you don’t have this, having children is just going to make it worse.

I also think it’s important to have a partner who is motivated, not to have some high flying career, but just generally because parenting is exhausting and you need to have a lot of get up and go to deal with it.

If you don’t think your partner has these qualities I think you need to have a really long hard think about whether or not your relationship can continue.

I wish you all the best.

Hello Alison,

I think trust between two people is something that gets built up over time. The longer you are in this relationship the stronger that trust will get. I imagine that if you try to be mindful of net letting your distrust from the past effect you now you should be fine.

I hope you find happiness.

Hello Mel,

I’m sorry to hear about what you have been through.

None of us can tell you want to do, it’s just something you have to think about really carefully.

I’m a bit biased when it comes to marriage, I am very much in favour of it so my advice is coloured by this. Given that you have already been together for 8 years, I don’t understand why your Ex is not willing to marry you. What has not happened over the 8 years that mean he is still not ready? You don’t mention your ages but I’m guessing from what you have told us that you are at least in your late 20s? That is more then old enough for marriage.

With that in mind I think you have to be careful and ask yourself am I ready to be with a man who is uncertain about marriage and may never want to marry me. You need to have a long hard look at yourself and think about what sort of life it is you want in the future. What sort of lifestyle would you like and what values do you want to build your life around. Then ask yourself if your Ex able to fit in with that.

I really hope you find peace and happiness.

Hi Jana,

I’m a so sorry for what you have been through.

Firstly I must say that I think you need to leave this man alone. He has been very clear more then once that he doesn’t want to hear from you. Contacting him again is only going to result in more pain for you so don’t do it.

I also have to agree with your statement that you have some issues around relationships. I’m not sure I’d agree with the term ‘Love Addict’ because that sounds a bit of an odd concept. It may be worth it to seek some therapy to find out what your issues are around relationships.

I would also say please don’t despair. Just because you did things in this relationship that were less then ideal doesn’t mean that you are damaged or that you will repeat the behavior in your next relationship. Having awareness is the key to making changes.

I also think some of the blame falls on your ‘friend’. I have write the term ‘friend’ like this because I don’t believe that he was ever much of a friend to you at all. I think this individual was actually quiet manipulative and used you. He certainly isn’t the innocent party in this story.

Lets look at it this way. First of all he contacts you, a strange women on the internet and begins flirting with you despite the fact that he is in a relationship. He persists even after you tell him how uncomfortable you feel.

He then breaks up with this girlfriend and bombards you mixed messages. He flirts with you, insists he is over his girlfriend, makes plans for you to go and see him . . . but then says he is unsure about wanting a relationship. He doesn’t say he doesn’t want one, just muddies the waters by saying he has reservations.

He then dallies with you for three weeks, then tells you he has reconnected with his ex-girlfriend, whom he still loves, but doesn’t want to be with and he doesn’t want to loose your friendship. Talk about mixed messages!

It seems to me, from what you have told us, that he dragged you along on a string and that he wanted his cake and to eat it too.

Now I agree that your emails were over the top and you should not have sent them. However I think his response of anger towards you was pretty cheeky. It’s obvious that the two of you were emotionally intimate and to not mention that he had started seeing someone else when things were still up in the air between you was wrong.

In short I don’t think you have lost much at all by ending this relationship and I think having no further contact with him is one of the best things that could happen to you. If I were you I would block him on Facebook and all social media and block his email address.

What is left to you now, is to work out how you are going to begin your journey towards more healthy relationships. I think you need to work on your self worth and perhaps also learn how to interpret red flags better. Be compassionate towards yourself.

I’m sorry for what you have been through and I wish you health and happiness.

You are not a crappy person and you are not a failure.

You are a human being like the rest of us and like the rest of us, something went wrong in your life. I do things wrong every single day, we all do.

Please try to be a bit more compassionate towards yourself.