Dear Anita,

I truly have a lot of anger and resentment, at injustice.

I had an outburst yesterday based on this.  And it reminded me that it isn’t about my husband or anything else, it is my anger, roar, anger.

I feel a little tired to explain the whole story to you at this time, not that I don’t want to – but I feel tired to type it out.  In short, one of my husbands cousins is having a small engagement get together Saturday.  It is casual and local and not something by any means a must.  Yet all of the other cousins are going now (including yes, that cousin the one with the incident from London).

I didn’t tell you this, but the cousin from London – lets call her S.

So S has a brother, they are my husband’s cousins, both older.  S is the same age as my husband roughly, her brother is older, the eldest of the cousins, and thus often looked up to.  Her brother is married to a woman named M.

M has had many emotional outbursts and issues with her husband apparently, which I have heard from my in laws, she was diagnosed with breast cancer while pregnant with her last child, third child, 2 years ago.  So of course an immense amount of trauma she went through.  After which psychologically she dealt with a lot of issues with her husband and his family.  I know some of it from my in laws, not directly from M of course. M has 3 kids and went through breast cancer and chemo while pregnant etc.  Now she is fine, cancer is gone, and kids are all great.

So anyway, in London, S (the sister in law of M) tells me how it has been very hard with M, and her emotional outbursts.  She will often come home and curse off her mother (who is the mother in law of M) and she has had so many outbursts.  I listened and understood and was there for S when she was telling me this.  I put in some input as well, saying its hard to say because I dont know her or her past – but perhaps she is dealing with a lot of depression and anxiety from all she went through with cancer and pregnancy at the same time, and having difficulty coping.  S said she isn’t sure because she was like this prior as well, I said oh ok.

Then S tells me this, and says I wasn’t sure if I wanted to tell you – but I will:

M comes home one day to her in laws with the kids (S parents house) and starts saying:

CC IS A WHORE.  CC IS A WHORE. CC IS A WHORE.

(of course my real name).

I was horrified.  My mouth dropped.  I said what?!?! WHY?!

S said she has no idea, she wasn’t sure if she was having a true psychotic episode type, or just being crazy or what! I started thinking out loud- wow perhaps it is because i knew M since I was a child through my family so she thinks I know things about her that I don’t.  I was so perplexed! But I also knew that I wasn’t really dealing with an emotionally sane person, perhaps M is truly psychiatrically unstable, like a patient I see in the hospital – random outbursts of insanity.

So anyway that’s the background I hear.  Let’s say that is 7 pm.  I have that info and we all head out in London, the whole group of cousins (M and her husband and the kids are not in London) but of course I knwo that story.  S tells me – she has told me this story so I can be careful around M, her sister in law, who she calls a loose cannon.  I do appreciate the info at the time.

Now fastforward to the next night, after the wedding reception, and S has that interaction with me, the one I told you all about, her getting angry at me, etc.

So here I am then 1 am, knowing her sister in law literally had an outburst of calling me a whore, and then now S herself lashes out to me (details of that scenario known to you).  I was devastated, and when I went back to my room crying it was really about S, and her treatment.

But now as I sat there looking at the messages about the get together Saturday,  I was enraged and TRIGGERED beyond belief.  Both S and M will be there.  And it wasn’t so much that I don’t want to be around them, I constantly kept feeling:

what is wrong with these people, why do they think they can talk bad about me and mistreat me, when all I have done is be kind.  Ridiculous.  So much anger at them, and then at my husband’s family.  So much anger.

Yet I felt pressured (self induced to go to this event) and I said to myself, if I don’t go to this event, then it will be Thanksgiving, I wll have to see them sooner or later.  It isn’t about events, it is about the injustice and how people are horrible.

When my husband got home, I was in a terrible mood. Feeling so angry, so so so angry.  I did not do a good job of containing my emotions, and I did exactly what I am not supposed to do – project my anger/resentment onto him.

I will stop there.  I want your input without more stream of consciousness.  And it isn’t about going to this thing on Saturday, I am not even going to go now I decided.  It is about the whole thing.

Dear Anita,

I apologize Anita- They are not double posts, I was adding on to my initial post labelled 10:45 AM at the same time you hit reply, that’s what happened.  But I have re-read all of our interactions from today.

You did an excellent job – wow – of going back to so many details that my mother has told me.  You are an incredible listener.  From my mother’s stories of how people are jealous of her, to how my father wasn’t satisfactory.  You pointed out something very important – her CHOICE.

She chose not to work, yes we were made to believe for some time she was incapable of it since she would get so overwhelmed anxious and emotional.  But no. She chose not to.

Yes, she chose not to have a larger family, for whatever reason – multiple kids, and large family.  More importantly even–is that in TDW example she focused not really on her own children, but extended family.  Yes, my aunts and uncles are bad people as well – I know this objectively as I have dealt with them on my own.

But see the narrative was ONLY based on those other people.  I would say maybe 85% of my life was complaining and being sad about how our family members were not great to us – how unlucky we are.

I want to actually think about that more, how the narrative was constantly based on these outside family members who were so “tragic.”  How WE were unlucky BECAUSE of them.

I’ll leave it at that…my mind isn’t going past this comment at this time..

Dear Anita,

I posted the above add on I think simultaneously when you replied, so I just read your reply.

The injustice in your life is that you were born to her and you were stuck with her as a child and you didn’t choose to be born to her and be stuck with her for what felt like eternity, a misery that got formed into you with no choosing on your part

Yes, so going no contact – is not to be born again.  It is to say I was born unlucky, and now is my chance to not be lucky, but to have a chance to accept my reality – so that it is not my reality forever, nor that of my future life/children/marriage/ etc.

Dear Anita,

fix the injustice, ROAR, make the bad – good – keep on keep on trying.

Let’s continue…

Here’s more soc/stream of consciousness

given that you are born into this bad/unlucky – you will have a hard time.  it is not because I think it, I know it.  It is objective and true.  You will try and try and try with all your might, but it will be hard.

See, you have some happy times – you laugh and have fun, you do have some good memories and fun times at present – but the reality, cold, harsh, truth about your life is that it is sad.  Sad because you were born into it  – I keep reiterating it, because it is hard to believe.  But it is true.

Hard to believe, because you had nothing to do with this, it was not up to you – it is random or fate – or whatever.

Now, you will perhaps spend a lot of your life trying to fight this bad, saying NO I will not accept it, see things are good.  Showing your mother this, showing yourself this.  But will you believe it? Probably not.  Because it is not true.

Maybe you should know that you don’t need to try anymore.  Accept what it is.  Maybe one day you can feel different, but the reality of what you were born into has to be accepted first.

Children need to feel safe. Children need to see their parents calm so to be calm themselves. Children need to see their parents content so to be  content themselves.

And when this is not the reality of the child, the child is anxious and angry and that anxiety and anger lasts a lifetime.

 I see how scared you are, I see how angry you are. I know you feel badly, I know you don’t feel okay. And I know why you don’t feel okay, it is understandable.

Fun times were fueled by life force, and just so happened, NOT by any means because my mom had good back then, or that life was indeed good back then, that I was lucky or safe back then.

Interesting point, and I think that is so key.  So key, and perhaps we have talked about this many times before, but only today we will say this is the work.

Go back, and see reality not nostalgia.  See the poor, unsafe, scared, hurt child that was indeed – unlucky.

I will start there.  Reach that child.  I will…In my next post I will write some stream of consciousness

describe what good mother looks like, sounds like in the setting of the young girl, Cali Chica, at home, at the dinner table maybe or in the living room while mother and father are at home, in the living room as well, (choose the setting in the home)?

a good mom is nice, when you look at her face she has good sweet eyes.  she doesnt always yell.  when we eat dinner together we are all happy, and we feel good together. at dinner time we tell nice stories together

in the living room we have fun and laugh, maybe we watch a movie together and everyone is relaxed, not getting mad and yelling or saying how bad everything is. they have a good soft face and smiling eyes.

at night time before we go to sleep maybe we watch tv together, it is fun, or we talk about some fun stories.  everyone likes to do that together and mom and dad are not mad at each other

Dear Anita,

Good Morning.

I thought about this concept of luck over night yesterday, and this morning on my commute.

I am not unlucky.

But I act that way.

Yes, it is unfortunate and perhaps unlucky to have had a mother like mine.  Randomness, unpredictable, unchangeable.

But unlucky – am I? no.

Yet, I live my life as though I am.  TDW way of life, if it is over there, it is surely better than what is here.  I have improved in that manner.  Yet, focusing on the negativity of others is in fact perpetuating this cycle.

Focusing on how bad people are, evil, etc etc.  That is in fact taking away focus on how good my life indeed is, and dare I say it:

how lucky I am.

—–

To shift gears slightly and utilize this concept in regards to my husband…

Let’s say you say to me: CC, your only job over the next few months is to help and support your husband to heal.  NOT because you damaged him alone, but because you are his partner, and he needs your love and support.

I say okay.

Yet, everywhere I go, and in everything I do, whether it is a wedding, grocery shopping, work, the subway – I am occupied by negative thoughts about other people.  People who act with injustice, people who are unaware, people who are irritating, people who are arrogant.  Whatever it may be.  Endless commentary about this.

So when I arrive home, the predominant thought in my mind is: others.  And bad things about others.

I now spew this out onto him constantly.  I could be making dinner and he comes in, and I may have a thought about how there isn’t enough time in the day- but others have it.

We could be running in the park, and I could look at a family and think, oh look at how important it is to have quality family time, do I have that?

I could be at the grocery store, and see someone only buying the groceries for that evening, and I will think – that is so nice and fresh! I wish I had time to do this.

Wishing this, wanting that.  This way is not good enough, I want ANOTHER way.

It will be very important for me, for my own healing, and that to support my husband – for me to not occupy myself on how we suffer in comparison to others.  What would be more ideal for us.

That isn’t the case right now, I must accept it.  But in the future, and very near future, things may change.

And in fact, our life is good right now.  Location, my job.  Our limited, but quality free time with the dog.  My husband’s job does tremendously affect the whole picture – but that is not forever.

I must sink into life as it is now.

Dear Anita,

A young child does not doubt god, or the epitome  of goodness.

yes.

I think of your clarification like this.  Kid is told chocolate is bad.  Chocolate is so bad – that if you eat it, it will make you very sick.

Fast forward years later, adult – no longer kid – realizes – it’s not that chocolate is bad, its that so many family members ate 3 pieces of chocolate cake daily, and became obese and had diabetes. This adult knows this now objectively.

Yet, he is so used to avoiding chocolate and feeling it is bad, so if and when he comes across it or is offered, or even eats it – he feels so strange, unnatural, and even guilty!  He may even tell his spouse – don’t eat that!! Chocolate is bad, knee jerk reactions to others as well!

I know it is not the same, but it shows that patterns that are deeply ingrained, told to us by people we deem as good and right as – god.  Well, they are just that – deeply ingrained.

There’s a start…I would like to continue this concept/conversation