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cali sister

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Viewing 15 posts - 196 through 210 (of 338 total)
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  • January 30, 2018 at 8:56 am in reply to: Anxiety: The Blur #189789
    cali sister
    Participant

    anita,

    i am sad. scared. lost.

    this is who i am? a person that can’t function? a person who needs to stop working? i am having trouble accepting this person.

    i have not spoken to my director yet due to the fact that he has not given me a time. I will speak to him today at some point. my sister and i have decided to ask for a 3 month leave.

    here is all the thoughts:

    why is this me. i do not want this to be me. what will i even do? I do not want to be here like this. but now what? I go to therapy (which i made an appointment just now for tomorrow) and then what? I am frightened at the idea. I stare at my apartment and dog all day? I can’t. I hate everything. I hate going to the park. I hate going outside. I hate driving. Even my puppy is stressful. what do i even do. who am i. i dont know.

    i see this lady going to work. i want to be her. i want to be normal. what will happen now. i dont know what to do. or what will help. ok yes, this is my one time finally to heal. i never actually have before. so….ok lets go…how?

    i feel like my patients i work with in the psych ward. troubled and crazy.

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 11 months ago by cali sister.
    January 29, 2018 at 8:51 am in reply to: Anxiety: The Blur #189609
    cali sister
    Participant

    anita.

    i can do it. i need to do it. i am thinking of my options. first im thinking of applying for a personal loan. i think it would be good for me to leave. go somewhere?

    would you be able to help decide what my healing options should be? i am open to anything. i can’t live like this anita.

     

    January 29, 2018 at 8:22 am in reply to: Anxiety: The Blur #189603
    cali sister
    Participant

    well, then what should i do everyday during this so called break? i need to heal correct? well i definitely will not sitting in my apartment. so that’s why i mentioned a retreat. i dont know what to do.

    January 29, 2018 at 7:58 am in reply to: Anxiety: The Blur #189595
    cali sister
    Participant

    i am so scared. but i need this real break and i feel that i have to keep explaining this. because i need to accept it. i cannot use this break and work on other job applications. i need a real break. right?

    January 29, 2018 at 7:51 am in reply to: Anxiety: The Blur #189591
    cali sister
    Participant

    I understand. I don’t owe him right now. That’s not an issue.

    More of an issue is how I will afford help for myself.

    January 29, 2018 at 7:41 am in reply to: Anxiety: The Blur #189583
    cali sister
    Participant

    Also I actually need to heal this time. Make it a priority. Not just look for another job. That is continuing the cycle and it will not work. I have to do something else

    in order to deal with these processes, I will need money. If I want to go on a retreat, I will need money. Should I just tell them? I have no idea how to. They will not understand obviously

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 11 months ago by cali sister.
    January 29, 2018 at 7:35 am in reply to: Anxiety: The Blur #189575
    cali sister
    Participant

    No I have no debt to anyone. My parents paid for my schooling so I have no loans. When I moved out last year, I would have needed help financially because a resident salary and living on my own was not enough money so I decided I would take a loan. My father did not allow me to and said I could basically “loan” from him. Does this make sense?

    Jt is under the idea that when I am done with tranining, I will pay him back because I will have a lucrative salary

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 11 months ago by cali sister.
    January 29, 2018 at 7:21 am in reply to: Anxiety: The Blur #189571
    cali sister
    Participant

    I contacted my director. And we are speaking tomorrow. One of my mentors invited me over to her house tonight. Very nice of her.

    I cannot help but think about telling my father. I feel worried about money. If I tell them, it will be a horrible disaster. I don’t have to explain this. You know. But maybe I should just tell them. For my own selfish reason. So I can stay economically secure during this time. In order for me to do that – I have to accept their influence. And I also will have to ignore their statements. They will say “well this happened to you because you moved and you’re all alone there. This wouldn’t have happened if you stayed”

    when I was suicidal last year before moving away , they kept saying I was we because I lived in my own apartment etc. they then stated how it’s a horrible idea for me to move away because I will be worse and alone

    it’s interesting. They are the cause of this  and I want to reach out to the cause for help

     

    January 29, 2018 at 1:00 am in reply to: Anxiety: The Blur #189529
    cali sister
    Participant

    It is the middle of the night. I’ve made a decision to take a leave from the program. Not quitting. But asking for a mental health leave. It shouldn’t be this distressful to live. It just shouldn’t. I took myself to a movie today. The entire movie I cried. I cried the whole way home.

    I am so unhappy. Just so extremely unhappy. For what? Nothing. Isn’t my well being more important right now?

    I wanted to make this decision a while ago. One of the main reasons I haven’t is because I fear, yet again, being a burden to my sister. And I fear her, yet again, thinking there’s always something up with me. But this is my life. I cannot keep living like this. I have made this decision on my own. Without parents. Without her. I saw myself today. I felt the body pain today so intensely. I felt the anger so intensely. I am MISERABLE.

    My body hurts so much I can’t move. It’s like I’ve been lifting bricks. I cried so much I didn’t know I had that much liquid in me. My anxiety made me crazy today. No. Not anymore. This isn’t for me to be this way.

    I don’t want to feel tortured anymore.

    this isn’t just about not being able to do a job or having generalized anxiety. This is ME. This is a real problem. I am hurt. Traumatized. Severely. And I need healing time. I truly need to heal.

    January 28, 2018 at 9:31 am in reply to: Anxiety: The Blur #189463
    cali sister
    Participant

    I would love to quit and find another route for my career. Which I know I can and have the credentials for. But what would I do to make money in the interim. I also fear my parents. And my sister

    January 28, 2018 at 9:14 am in reply to: Anxiety: The Blur #189455
    cali sister
    Participant

    The reason I am not quitting I because I would have no source of income. That’s the only reason.

    January 28, 2018 at 8:24 am in reply to: Anxiety: The Blur #189435
    cali sister
    Participant

    You can’t fail because it’s not grade based. No one at this level of training would fail this rotation. Not only me. Or else we would not be here at this training period.

    I don’t read the chart 15 times because I’m a perfectionist. I read it 15 times because I can’t focus and have to keep re doing it. I don’t know how else to explain it. Maybe you can think of it as being similar to a diagnosis of ADD. I don’t read what’s in front of me. My brain doesn’t focus.

    My anxiety is about being forced to do something so intense that I already cannot do in a healthy way. What makes it worse is that I don’t want to

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 11 months ago by cali sister.
    January 28, 2018 at 7:57 am in reply to: Anxiety: The Blur #189421
    cali sister
    Participant

    Also – rather than my goal. I want to know how to even get through it. How to read the patient chart without having to read it 15 times. How to read literature and comprehend it. Those anxieties. This is the reason I have the anxiety. Bc of the task I will have to do. So I’m asking for tactics how to get through these anxieties. Maybe I can type them out and we can think of tactics.

    January 28, 2018 at 7:54 am in reply to: Anxiety: The Blur #189419
    cali sister
    Participant

    I do not fail or pass. It is also impossible for me to fail. Just because I am the way I am. I guess what I’m asking is how do I get through the next couple months doing something I hate.

    Its an odd dichotomy because : I don’t necessarily care, but I am ME and I usually excel at all that I do. I’m asking I think how to just do what I have to do and not care so much. Because .. I truly don’t have to

    January 28, 2018 at 7:02 am in reply to: Anxiety: The Blur #189413
    cali sister
    Participant

    And by that I mean – I am not trying to be the best resident there is. I am simply trying to get through these rotations in a healthy way. I no longer want to pursue this as a career choice

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