I understand what you are saying Anita. I have a job. Always.

What I was trying to explain is how my mother, unlike us, does not have disabling anxieties or inability to feel joy, enjoy mountains, enjoy movies. She doesn’t even know. Her mental capacity is not like that of my sisters.

Map she will go to Costa Rica and it will be amazing. It is for ME that it is stressful and that I cannot enjoy.

I guess I don’t understand how I can relate other things to my mother. For example going to happy hour or hikes. She would never think of such things. So I’m having a difficult time applying what you have said

Anita,

thanks for reading my many posts. I just logged on any time I had a thought. I apologize in this post if sentences sound off- I’m typing from phone voice text

This freeze response you talk about – it doesn’t let me enjoy anything. I remember in Costa Rica we went swimming  in this beautiful cave with a bunch of boulders and since the tour guide and everyone around me kept saying this is beautiful I thought this intense pressure to know and feel that it was beautiful so instead of enjoying the entire time I was thinking to myself do I think this is beautiful am I enjoying.  Where I live right now has beautiful and amazing scenery and it is a famous destination in the entire country.  Yesterday I went hiking and before I went hiking I read some reviews of the trail so I knew where to park the reviews or the directions to the trail simply said hike up the trail and enjoy the views well you hike. Boom.  Those words “enjoy the views” – an incredible amount of anxiety.  Do you entire time I was hiking instead of feeling the mountains instead of knowing that nature on it all is beautiful I was questioning is this beautiful. I would stop  at certain points taking breaks and trying to also feel that feeling that everyone else has that wow this is such a beautiful relaxing experience. This thought consumes me. For days. I think how come these scenes are so beautiful. How come everyone thinks nature is beautiful. It’s an objective thing that everyone agrees on. It is OBJECTIVE. So why can’t I feel it?

Last night for the first time I went on the suicide prevention hotline website I didn’t call but I did try to do the chat thing not because in that moment I was actually feeling suicidal per se but I just wanted to see what they tell me or what they would tell me.  The way it ended up being too long that I actually fell asleep however while you wait they have the link that you can press the call it safe space.  I clicked on it and the first two videos are of mountains.  And I think to myself of course of course this will be relaxing video that they’re posting because this is supposed to be truly objectively a relaxing thing this is natural this of nature. But of course this mountain scene cost me even more anxiety so it was not safe space for me

With regard to experiences of going out and hang out socially I also am not able to enjoy them not only because I feel the same inside all the time but also because I never believe these experiences because in my life all of them have always ended. I only know friendships that don’t end well I only know boys that don’t end well. So to me whenever I experience an event with a friend it’s hard for me to fully immerse in it because I don’t even believe it’s a real.

Lastly, I want to say I truly don’t know how it is not possible to feel so alone when I am alone how can I feel not alone when I literally don’t have anyone. (This obviously shows how much faith I have in my current friendships)  for all of the friends that I have right now, I am the secondary friend. My friend that is getting married next year, I am a bridesmaid in her wedding. However I am in no way someone that comes to her mind first her life is filled with so much that I am just secondary. What happens with me, is that all friends all people become my primary because I don’t have a primary I don’t have the family.  So I am alone it is a fact per se if you actually were looking at amounts of people. So if you look at it objectively or like a math equation how can I not be alone?

• This reply was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by cali sister.

To me. I’m doing things because I have to until my end arrives. I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to hang out with people. I don’t want to go to the movies. I don’t want to go to the dog park. These are al things I do because I have to in order to survive. I feel like that’s all I’m doing. I just have to survive until it’s my time to go. I think oh “I should meditate.” But for what. What is the point. Most of the time I have no desire to even live. I don’t get the point of it. I find nothing in this life. To me, it’s something that is forced on me and I have to keep going. It’s interesting. I never understand why people are so adamant on not letting people take their own lives. Isn’t it their own choice ? And why do people think they have the right to tell someone to live. Why is living something we have to do. I have always been so confused by this but afraid to admit it. What about life is so amazing that people are being told to continue on. Because to me, I wake up everyday and it is the biggest struggle ever to get through. It’s like I’m in a cursed game and can’t get out or to the next level. Nothing is enjoyable. I only do things so time will pass

I look around me and I cry. I see everything I’ve done around me. How hard I try to be happy and have a better living. I see it all and start to bawl. I see how much effort I put in and I truly feel so bad for myself. I hug myself. I am trying so hard. And yet, I mean this fully when I say it, I feel exactly the same way I’ve felt for years and years.   I don’t understand the point of anything Anita. It always comes back to this horrible core feeling. I have two weeks where it’s not happening (it all feels fake and stressful anywya) and then boom. I feel no desires. I feel so many desires. I see the paintings I’ve painted that I hung up. I see the new elephant pillows I bought. I see the lights I have hung up. All the things I’ve done to make my home and make me happy. What is the point.

What it all comes down to, Anita, is just that I feel oh so alone. Just completely alone.

And it won’t end. So when I question why I cry. Why I feel like this. It’s because I just thought it would someday get better. I am not living. I never have.

Anita.

im letting it sink it. For the first time, I have no idea what to say.