I have another statement. That my sister and I are discussing.

I have this intense pressure to enjoy things. If I go to a concert or any event- the entire time my brain is yelling at me and forcing me to be like “are you happy? Are you enjoying? Do you feel stress free? Is this the best thing ever?”

When I listen to a song and love it- the second time I listen to it I oressure myself to feel the same initial I did. Where does this pressure come from? It ruins my ability to enjoy

Anita.

I find myself to be struggling even more and more with this concept of being single. And it’s moreso because of me never having something positive with a man. I have continually met men who do not treat me right. And I’m exhausted and sad. Especially since everyone around me is happily ever after. My friends, I mean.

Anita,

amazing post. I showed my sister immediately. I finally have the answer of why I treat men that way and I feel the need to fight.

I struggle a lot with needing romanticism in my life in order to feel safe. This feeling of “safe” is something I’ve pondered about for a while. I attribute it to trying to almost find a motherly caretaker in a man. I want to be taken care of and feel safe. This does not mean I’m always in a relationship. It’s quite the opposite. I keep dating and having horrible experiences.

Thank you anita.

I can share a little victory that just happened. I finally stood up for myself with a man. In the past, even if someone treated me horribly, i would yell at them and then basically beg them to still talk to me all in the same conversation. i did not hold myself highly enough and i was afraid of the void. today, i said to him, if you want to talk to me, you have to figure out how to make it up to me. if not, i dont think we should talk anymore. that right there. is A HUGE DEAL FOR ME. I hung up the phone, and smiled. i felt lighter. i felt like calisister was the one who was important and protected. i didnt feel embarassed. I did not feel needy. i did not feel like i was just throwing my body and emotions out there as if they were worthless. i kept the power. i have never had power when it comes to a man. and i did it. i FREAKING DID IT! im so happy i could cry. i love me. i see it now.

yesterday, i spontaneously went to a tattoo shop to get my second tattoo. it says no fear…

the “o” in no is a paw print. that’s what i practiced today. no fear. if he leaves, you will still be okay. you will not die if this man leaves you.

i did it, anita.

anita,

i would love to write more – but i feel as if it may just be a diary entry – bc the answer is in what you just said – psychotherapy – so then i feel…well whats the point if i know the solution

anita,

yes – i completely agree. it is not a life sentence. but i dont know how to get bailed out

anita,

yes i am very good about making time like that for myself. i spend a lot of time outside

let’s go back to when i talked about the root of my anxiety and my mother etc. so the ROOT is that i consistenly put myself down and have this fear or true confidence that i will fail. so before reading an article, but head already says “well you wont get it anyway” (Which i know is not true, bc i know i am very intelligent) – but this hinders me from reading and causes so much stress

cali sister

Anita,

Thanks. I think i struggle with the pressure of always knowing. But – i do know i deserve a break. schooling was intense and my job is intense. i do not need to rush