Juanita

Thinking about what it is like to be a man, I have focused on weak men, who don’t show respect and are not capable of true love.
Let’s me know if I am on the right track in attempting to understand your husband.

All men have one or two of these traits, but weak men attempt to have most of them: Givers, Caretaker, Seek approval from others (especially from women), Conflict-avoidant, Seek the right way to do things, Try to be perfect and avoid mistakes (so people don’t think they’re bad), Repress their feelings, Want to be different from their fathers, They’re more comfortable being with women, They exert tremendous effort to make their partners happy, but fail miserably. Weak men constantly give because they think that’s what makes them good ( impress their mothers) they tend to put others first, they put everyone’s needs ahead of their own, becoming utterly miserable along the way.

Weak men are afraid of conflict, so this may be why your husband ignores you when you ask for something or raise a topic he does not like . Since your husbands avoids conflicts, nothing ever gets solved with him. He might disagree with you, but he doesn’t say it or he might even pretend to agree, just to avoid conflict and arguments. He is passive aggressive.
When he disagrees, he still tells you what he thinks you want to hear. But, then he reverses his words and decisions to please someone else.

Even thou he thinks he is a saint , the is actually the opposite ,he lies telling people what they want to hear, hides his true intention, uses indirect ways and manipulation to get what he needs-wants, he can  be very controlling. Ultimately he only gives  to get which will brew resentment and anger

He needs to grow a pair and be a real man, he must have total acceptance of who he really is, he must like himself,  he must take care of his needs,  he must be comfortable with his sexuality, he must value integrity, he must speaks up, he must set clear boundaries and is not afraid of enforcing them, he embraces and his Accepts his flaws.

These are questions for your husband :

• Does he know how please yourself first?
• Does he enjoy sex with you ( it has he other out let’s , ie porn)?
• Is he honest about his fears ?
• Does he Eat well ?
• Does he play sport ?
• Does he spend quality time with men ?

Intimate relationships require people to look within themselves and open up about who they really are. If your husband is always wearing a mask and always hiding his true self, it is a downward spiral. Male boundaries are crucial for good emotional health and a positive social life. If has no boundaries then he is pissed when you try to set them for him, becoming a mother and child relationship and not a partnership of

From chatting with guys, generally weak men are ashamed and uncomfortable with their sexuality. Ultimately, intimacy  it not enjoyable for weak men and often not enjoyable for the woman either.

He needs to become confident , competitive and putting him self first, including his own pleasure. Only then can he truly love you.

This a bit of a brain dump, but it is food for deeper discussion … if I am off the mark, I apologise.

Tony

Such a nice memory , with our digital world few now create scrap books .
It is possible with a radiation Sun burst all digital data is wiped , in a odd way the 21st century may not leave a legacy for future generations to explore and marvel at.

Speaking as a man, as I can’t begin to understand the joy and trauma of pregnancy , so forgive me for having an opinion on this . Having siblings gives your child a family …. only children have no nieces or nephews , no one to reminisce about childhood with , also they can carry the burden of care as parents age …… if it is safe from a health perspective I would recommend to have another .

Good , I am a partner in a practice I stated 30 years ago , best professional decision I ever made. One the practice is successful with critical mass your time will free up….. the holy grail is income , passive income that comes in with no effort …

your decision was scary and brave , I am glad it is beginning to settle for you. Consider expansion so in time it will survive without as you enjoy the fruit of your effort

Laelithia
This man filled a need but did not complete you , if he did you would be with him now . So, you left him for a good reason but you miss the part of you that he fulfilled .

Based on my experience someone who touches you deeply but not completely will always be there in your heart , even in 30 years .

You appear to be a kind , articulate and genuine woman , so you will meet a good man …..but always remember that life is compromise and acceptance , this is what true love expects .

Be careful not to idolise the one that got away as in time he may become to symbolise perfection in your mind , this is your nostalgic mind playing tricks .

I wish you health , happiness and joy , and I know you will meet a good man and be happy .

Tony

Dear Neverdyed

Read my post , 0ver 35 years I had a complicated love but not a relationship with a woman who wanted a relationship with me . I played along as it was flattering to my ego, but in time I  unceremoniously cut her off when I decided to marry someone else. In other words, this guy will never commit to you, as he has not done so this far. He is committed ( or will commit) to someone else and you will be cut off and hurt. If I was you I would be proactive , cut him off and find someone worthy of the great love you are obviously capable of.

Tony

Juanita
Doing a Marie Kondo on your thoughts and emotion is wise. We all have limited ability to focus so we must choose carefully what we focus on, not wasting our life energy on stuff we can’t influence.  I know the previous generation were loath to use the word “love” and to hug. I grow up in such a home but love was implicit . It is most likely your mother is damaged ( as we all are in some way) and is not capable of showing you love, though it is likely deep down she does love you. As Anita says , accepting the truth is freedom.

It Is not clear if you have children , but being friends with your estranged husband is good because of the shared history.

Have you read Eckhart Tolle’s “The Power of Now” , it is so liberating as it explains how the mind always seeks our attention , preventing us from enjoying the current moment in all its beauty and simplicity .

Tony

You have 3 options ..

(1) leave you husband and rebuild your life . You children are smart and know all is not perfect and will understand .

(2) work with your husband to repair the marriage . This is hard work , but you are both damaged people ( as we are all) , so good communication and honesty may lead to a place where you both work hard for to say the marriage .

(3) Accept your husband for who he is , don’t try and change him. Be the calm observer of you marriage . Let him be , accept and love him for who he is flaws and all. This allows you to accept the current moment as if you had chosen it .

The important point is you must accept one of these paths and pursue it with energy and focus . Jumping from one to the other puts you and all around you into an ever ending spiral .

Always remember that all marriages are similar , the are daily struggles and joys . The tricks is which of the 3 paths you chose .