I know no one will make this decision for me*

Anita thank you for helping me understand my emotions. Now I know why it changed to drastically and so quickly!

One moment I wanted this and was even excited about this, although working that late is not great or ideal.. and next moment I am almost having panic attack just thinking about it.

I went for a walk but it didn’t clear my head, it made me tired. This whole idea of changing job exhausts me. I hate it about myself!

I feel really stupid for telling one day I want to do it and the other day feeling panic and being scared. What is wrong with me 🙁

it’s so frustrating and sad.

I feel like people would judge me for it and think I am stupid or something. I should not have said anything and should just think it over first.

Thank you Tee.

Regarding her mother, maybe she can lock the door of her room while she is on camera, not to cause inconvenient situations? And to warn her beforehand not to disturb at certain times?

She should set some boundaries with her mother but it’s more complicated I think.. Her mother needs to be respected more, I think I mentioned how her father jokes about her etc. He does respect her, he is a good person, provides for the family, he is always there for birthdays etc, family celebrations etc. But he also jokes about her and I think my girlfriend kind of got used to that. Plus her coming into the room when she is working, I know it’s annoying and I would be anxious too, that someone would come to my room and ridicule me while in a meeting. I told her recently: “you wouldn’t yell on your dad if he came into your room, wouldn’t you?” and she said: “because he wouldn’t come in!” But she admitted she was being a bitch and she knows that.

Anyway I have no control over the dynamic in her family, I don’t think she should live there anymore to be honest.

What is important for me is how she treats me and this is what I will be fighting for.

It’s a good sign that she’s not defensive but realizes that she indeed was rude and snappy, and she wants to improve on that. So what you agreed on to work less and spend more time on leisure activities sounds like a great idea.

She was not defensive at all. She is not that kind of person, I think. She is rather understanding and calm, regardless of what I have been describing here. And it was not always like that. She did not have a job for years and didn’t believe in herself, she had this job where she cleaned some lady’s house, earning very little money. You wouldn’t even pay rent for her monthly earnings. She had no self esteem. She did not buy any clothes, anything. Then I got this job and I recommended her. (I have slightly higher position). I think I wanted to include her in some decisions and wanted her to succeed, I did not want to boss her around (which I think I used to in the past). I wanted her to be more confident and to see her succeed. And it got out of hand because I started to diminish myself so that she wouldn’t feel worse.

Hi Tee,

She did ask for an apology, but it seems she doesn’t know how to relate to you differently. More honestly. With more appreciation. Rather, she is silent and withdrawn. So the intimacy hasn’t grown, even if she isn’t insulting you any more, right?

It has changed a bit. She is more respectful now.

I wonder – is there anything that both of you like and have a similar taste in, or your choices and preferences are very different?

Yes, we both like movies and decided we would go to the movies more often. We also like eating and cooking, usually bond over eating together.

That’s great that you asserted yourself and were able to stand your ground. Congratulations!

Thank you.

Basically, you’ve received rejection and put-downs instead of connection and bonding. Does this ring true?

I think she misunderstood my asking for advise, which was on my part an invitation to choose things together as a couple, she understood it as me not being able to make decisions.

Now, with her being “polite” and silent, you’re still not receiving connection and bonding. There is still very little intimacy between you. And this is what you’re missing, right?

How do you understand intimacy? I am not sure if this is that should be understood from my posts. It’s really hard to describe a whole relationship in couple of posts here, on the forum.

Is there an activity (or more) that you both enjoy and that you can bond over? Because I think that’s important for the relationship – that two people have some common interests (not all, but some) and can spend their free time enjoying those shared interests.

Yes, there are some activities that we both like. Actually we both work too much so we decided we would go out more, ride bikes together or just go for walks. We both agree we should be more active. We are going to concert soon and planned some trips to the movies.

Hello Tee,

How did she behave during the birthday party? Was she a bit distant (even if polite)? Did she seem offended or hurt a bit, or anything like that?

She did seem distant but I am not sure if offended.. Maybe a bit afraid to offend me, I think. She once joked (as she is used do) and tried to make it seem innocent. Honestly I don’t know what to think.. She wanted to go shopping together but I said I don’t want to. She was surprised but did not say anything. But she was silent.

Actually you said earlier that you are always kind to her. Or at most you stay silent to her mocking. So you don’t behave like you hate her, right? You haven’t been mocking her back, or treating her harshly?

No, I havent been mocking her. Some time ago when I said she was rude she said something like “You should learn to talk back”.. But I don’t want to. I cannot really be like that, and I also don’t want to have such relationship where we behave as if we were 8 year old siblings.

If you want to see a movie, and she says no that’s a stupid movie, you still go and see it, either alone or with a friend. If you want to paint your room, and she says no you can’t, you don’t get discouraged, you don’t fight with her either, you simply go ahead and do it. You’d need to develop that inner strength and determination that says “this is what I want, I am allowed to have it, and I will have it.”

That would mean I will be more..separate from her. Most things we do is what she wants to do. Even the fact we sit at home, don’t go to restaurants, cinema it’s because she doesn’t like it. So if I want to do things I like it means we will be separate from each other more often. I  feel like there is no ME in this relationship. I became HER. We play board games, listen to her favorite music (not anymore but we used to, not long ago).

With a little practice, with some trial and error, I am sure you’ll become much more adept in knowing what you want and need. And you won’t be so insecure and in need of her approval.

I will be practicing this so that I would stop asking her all the time and seeking approval.

You need to stop caring so much about her opinion. That’s how you develop more inner strength and autonomy.

I think this is my biggest problem. I do not have autonomy. I become the other person. I think I am a bit scared…of not being someone else, of being my own. I don’t know if this makes sense but I feel like this is what is happening here. I think being separate will break us up because I need her approval, I am scared of doing something she doesn’t like, of having life that she does not like, approve, does not want to go into. I prefer becoming someone else than risking her not approving my hobbies, lifestyle etc.

You can tell her something like: “I don’t like it when you try to prevent me from doing the things I like. When you object every purchasing decision I make and tell me no, you can’t have it. I am an adult, I earn my own money and I would appreciate if you treated me like an adult.”

It’s good, I will tell her that.

pay attention to what you’re communicating. Because if you sound like asking for permission, she might just automatically disagree with everything, due to her subconscious programming.

This is exactly what she does, probably. Just the sound of whatever I am saying, the question mark at the end, me sounding not sure – makes her automatically disagreeing because my idea does not sound good. Because I say it with doubt already. It’s how I communicate. Not being sure about everything.

Yes, that’s excellent too – pay close attention to her words and if it’s really a command and she wants to control you, or it’s some automatic reaction.

Tee, do you think it can be automatic reaction? As I see it, I seem like a child to her, unsure, with doubts and she automatically shuts down my silly ideas. Or does she command me. Or is it both.

How does this sound? Does it feel overwhelming or it sounds doable?

It is overwhelming unfortunately..

Hello Tee,

Did you tell her what specifically bothered you? Or you said it just in general, and she kind of knew what it was and now is treating you nicer?

Has she apologized for how she treated you?

I told her she was being mean to me, treating me like I am her younger brother or something, calling me names and mocking. That’s how I feel, like we are siblings and we show each other’s affection by mocking. Except it’s not affection, it’s just siblings who hate each other dynamic. I think this is what she might be taught and I allow this because I am insecure.

She just said she was sorry. And then started to be nicer but, as you wrote, and as I also wrote, it’s like she is in power and allows me to do things. She decides. And what I want is: when I want to do something, even if she doesn’t agree or doesn’t approve I still want to do it. Sometimes alone and sometimes with her, if the situation requires like buying something together or going to see a movie that I like.

I decided we won’t be going shopping together anymore, I just don’t want it.

she so far disapproved and “forbid” you to do certain things, but now she is “generous” enough and allows you to do those things.  It could be the same patronizing dynamic, where she is in charge and is making all the decisions, and you are complying. A little bit like the parent-child dynamic.

I think so. I see it that way. The way she told me we are going to this concert that I would like to go, even though I never said I want to, she just assumed because I like this artist. So she is generous and wants to take me there. How to change this? I do not need her to give me those things, I want to make my own decisions. I want to buy an avocado or sushi or paint my room without her command:  “NO, don’t”, “stop it”. I know she is fed up with her mother buying stupid things but I don’t think she goes shopping with her anymore. She is just fed up and angry. and takes it out on me. And I have had enough.

I think I will be more mindful of what I am saying, whether I am asking her for permission, suggestion, or say things that sound like I am. And whether she is commanding me, and what is her general response to things I want to do/buy. I do not care anymore to offend her, I am really angry about this.  I have no idea what else should I do to get my power back.

Perhaps you feel that even if she is now nicer, she is still coming from this position of superiority and that she knows better and should be making decisions for you?

Yes, that might be the case.

That’s why the real question is: do you feel respected, or you feel looked down at?

I do not feel respected. I feel like a stupid child often. Tee, do you think there is a chance this could be changed?

We did not saw each other much since that time, only some birthday party and couple of phone calls. She seems nice and different. So I can’t really tell the vibe right now. Is it a phase or is it now different.

Hello Tee,

I talked to her, not much but I said she was mean to me sometimes, that she was not nice. From what I have noticed since then.. she is kind of nicer now, bought me a gift, a movie that I like. She also said we would go to this concert of an artist that I like (But I wasn’t really planning to go so I told her that I am not sure if it works out). She also said things like “so are you gonna order sushi since it’s payday” etc. Sounds like she knew about some of those things, that she was probably mean and seems nicer now. Also sounds like..she is allowing me to have those things now, encouraging me, giving permission. On maybe I get this all wrong.

She says I should get a new chair and I have this feeling.. like I can buy a chair. Because she said so. If she didn’t say so I would probably have hard time making this decision.

But I still have this anger in me. I feel like I missed out on so many things because she wouldn’t let me do things. And it’s not like she is forcing me or forbidding but.. discouraging. Saying things like: You won’t be painting your room this years, forget it. Next year. And I will agree to this. I feel angry. I am scared the “nice phase” will pass and we will be back to the usual. I don’t want to go shopping anymore because now I have had enough. She won’t let me use the checkout, she says she only gets to use it (because I broke something one time, I don’t ever remember correctly). I am fed up with this treatment, even though now she is nicer and better.

Hi Sarah,

Thank you for responding. Why exactly do you think this is abusive relationship?