Dear Anita,

Bare with me while I respond to all three of the past messages.

In general, I’ve been feeling like I’ve been making progress recently. I’ve been feeling like I’m growing, maturing, being more self-assured and at peace with my life. Feeling like I can be like everyone else. For the first time in my life I feel like I might be able to live the life that I want to. Finding peace with myself, feeling like I might be able to build the life and be the person that I’ve always wanted to be: stable home, feminine woman, happy times, life without depression, a life where I am accepted, and where I end up with a partner who loves me for me.

The past 3 days have been incredibly hard for me. I worked on Saturday, all day. Came home to a letter from work about my attendance and how I’m on a warning etc.I spent Sunday all day in bed catching up with sleep. It has become Autumn now and the wind has gotten colder. I can’t help but feel more alone, and be taken back to memories of the past. I had a lot of intense dreams, about my parents, old friends, and an old boyfriend I had who really used me for sex when I was in love with him. The nightmares were bad.

I’ve been taken back to a state of depression. I released a lot of emotion on to Toby, and messaged him about how I felt inside and about him. It was a lot and too much. There was no reply.

Yesterday I went out for a meal with my spiritual guidance Roy, and an old friend from uni George. The meal was fine, but I drank a lot and was thinking about the Toby thing, and again, was taken back to a place where I’ve been before – longing after someone or something that I can’t have. I spoke to George and Toby, and also was talking to George about Clarence as well (guy I nearly married in Chicago). On my walk home, I looked at the picture of me and Clarence that we took just before we went to get our marriage certificate. Both young, both punk, both as insane as each other to be willing to fall in love with someone so fast.

I got home, and I unblocked Clarence on instagram. I saw a picture he posted of the tshirt design he did on a song that I showed him. I commented on it and said “F*ck you, I showed you that”. He replied saying “F*ck you right back, I was going to give you this for christmas before you went all wishy washy on me”. I said “dude I had a breakdown”. Anyway, after that, I saw that he posted this really horrible misogynistic thing that was aimed at me on his instagram, about ugly girls, calling them bitches and stuff. And I realised then that it wasn’t him that I was looking for at all – because he’s not a nice guy at all, he’s actually awful.

I came to the realisation that for such a long time, I’ve been searching for home. Home. I thought about this, and because my sense of safety, belonging and home was taken from me at such a young age, throughout my teens and 20s I’ve been searching for that in other situations and people – partners, friendship groups, drugs work etc. That hit me hard. Really hard, and I spent last night crying about it and thinking back to when I was really young, and when I was happy as a little girl, when I was adored, and my parents wanted me around.

I posted this on Instagram, a quote by R.M Drake:

‘I want to live in a place where love isn’t a metaphor for sex and silence isn’t a metaphor for fear. Where if you are laughing all day you’re not considered crazy and if you want to actually help someone it’s not to expect something in return. Where small talk doesn’t exist and people genuinely care. And where you and I are closer together. Imagine that what a beautiful thing it can be. I want to go there, I want to grow old there, and above all, I want to love there’.

Beneath the quote I wrote my own paragraph:

‘I want to live in the place where I once felt loved, when my heart was huge and everyone accepted my cuddles and I danced with teddybears. Where everyone gave me constant attention and I played dress up everyday. Where the world was full of curiosities, and I remembered the safe smell of my mothers skin. When I could wake up and be whatever I wanted and it was accepted. I was accepted, and I felt protected. Where my family actually wanted me and wanted to be in my company, and my dad was obsessed with making pointless home videos, just so one day we could watch it all back – simply because he was proud we were his. I want to live in the place where I had a real family and felt like a real visible person in the world, a place where I was unconditionally loved, in that very brief time that I felt like I was wanted, like I belonged, like I had a home. I would feel so unbelievably lucky or blessed if I ever experienced that feeling again in my lifetime, but I know for sure that one day, eventually, that’s where I’ll return to, after life on this Earth, that’s the haven I’ll return to. As for now, I can’t give up on my childhood dreams, or the deep source of loss at the root of all pain: I can’t give up on my soul’s quest for a euphoric state of acceptance, a euphoric sense of belonging, a euphoric haven of home’.

I’ve been thinking about this all this morning. I apologised to Toby last night when I was drunk, but today I sent him a message explaining what’s going on with me, and that I’m coming to terms with stuff that’s happened with my family, and that I should of been adult and not started anything etc. I said for him to take care and to stay real. I don’t expect to hear back from him as my messages have been way too intense and deep for someone who doesn’t really know me.

Cat

Dear Anita,

I hope that this message finds you well? I’m at one of these “I need to message Anita” moments.
I’ve had a somewhat relapse today and I am confused about me, myself and my life. I will explain the situation that I am in now at the end of the message, as it most likely links in to my emotional dysfunction as well.

In response to your last message:
I am definitely confronting a lot right now, facing a lot of core beliefs and a lot of low self-esteem, fear and apathy I have towards my life. Thank you for allowing me to write them out here and hear your perspective on things, it helps me to see things more clearly.

No, I never pretend, but sometimes it can feel like others are pretending… This is when I feel confused.

Yes, they see me as someone that I’m not, and I think growing up I internalised this perception of myself: ugly, a freak, quiet, no friends, invisible, embarassed, ashamed, an outsider, unwanted, depressing, obsessive, uncool. I felt like this all through school. It was only during my teens when I started speaking up, getting in situations, hormonal etc that I began to grow out of this image. I’ve gone through a lot of different stages with how I perceive myself. I think now, I see myself as these things: passionate, wise, attractive, deep, emotional, meaningful, stylish, outspoken, big personality, funny, cheeky, rebellious, spiritual – although there are still some traits that I still see there – uncool, obsessive, outsider.

I definitely relate to the guilt and shame!!! Which is really strange, because only a few days ago I felt strangely clear-minded and free from that old energy. I realised then that most of the problems in my head was that feeling of guilt and shame about my life that had been put on to me by my family. I relate 100%. It’s almost like the grief and shame just become part of my biology-  as if guilt and shame is the energy that forms my backbone or something. Like it’s always there at the back, does that make sense?? And without it, I feel like I am a free human, and I find life a lot easier.

In my family home, I’ve said this before – I was never given that chance to focus on myself. EVERYTHING revolved around the emotional state of my mother. Everything. It was awful. There would be arguing every day and every night. So much crying, and so many undue punishments. Me and my sister weren’t allowed to be children really or feel safe or at peace in our home. We were constantly reminded that it was their house all the time. My Mum would find faults with everyone and was negative about everything. She would talk about people, and my Dad just put up with it. She would start arguments, not let him do things – like see his family or play guitar etc, and then he would get mad – not be brave enough to stand up to her and then take it out on me and my sister. It almost united them to have a common enemy – us. So messed up, I know. So, so messed up.

I don’t talk to my therapist about past stuff because I’m doing CBT not psychotherapy. But it does help me to have you to open up to stuff about this, as it almost feels like a release. I’ve told you a lot about what my parents were like. Sometimes I get so confused about who I am or what my purpose in life is.

Ok, so current situation… about emotional dysregulation/ work/ escapism – Which links in with the Toby thing:

So, Toby added me on facebook, a few months back. I remember seeing his profile and having a feeling – like he was 100% the person I’d go for, but he looked like he was super confident and a bit arrogant. I found this intimidating, because if I was dating someone, they would eventually see the more darker sides of my life, and it made me worry that I’m not the same as other people my age.

Anyway, I went off facebook for a bit, as I am trying to overcome my addiction to social media. During the breakdown etc. It was maybe 2 months ago that I messaged Toby on instagram, inquiring about his IG name. He replied and said that he’s been hoping to hear from me for a while because he’s followed my stuff for ages and agrees with my vibe. He asked me out for coffee over message. We flirted a tiny bit over message. We finally arranged a day. On the day, I was messaging him and he wasn’t saying anything about meeting up. I was really rude to him, as it triggered my emotional dysfunction. I was really really rude to him over message and gave him a speech about my self-worth. He was like “Woah” etc. I eventually apologised and explained my emotional dysfunction. He replied and said he understood, and said that he came across bad over messages as well. All was forgiven.

We eventually met up, and I took him to an exhibition about music in Bristol. I was nervous, and he was talking non-stop. Literally, non-stop. And I saw him as being super confident. Although he would constantly talk about his anxiety. We had open talks. I mentioned about nearly getting married in Chicago. He told me about his ex, and said it was really bad, that he had a psychosis breakdown, and just said that it was really bad.

We went for a couple drinks after that, and had a good time. At the end of the night he said he felt like his anxiety had reached it’s end, and that he was really happy with how the night had gone. When I got home, he messaged me again and said that he was happy that he’d met me because I’m a fantastic person.

Since that night, we were messaging over instagram. We were messaging about life in general, thoughts about stuff, feelings. General conversation. We were talking about Charlie Brooker and Black Mirror, and I said that I would marry Charlie Brooker for his mind.  Toby said he could see that, but that my mind was just as incredible and that I had a body he’d be a fool not to chase. He messaged me lots and lots and lots of compliments. I realised he was doing this when he was drunk. He opened up to me about his mental health as well, and I was giving him advice. When he was drunk, he said that he’d been slack on messaging because he was going through a hard time and he didn’t want me to see him as weak, because he wanted me to want him as much as he wants me.

We were supposed to meet one Sunday, but I had a feeling that I was putting more effort in to it than he was. I messaged him saying how I felt – how he says nice stuff when he’s drunk, and then hardly replies when he’s sober. He messaged back saying that he barely knows me and it’s too heavy. I then replied and stood my ground, and explained that it was his responsibility and that you don’t tell people who you don’t know that well that they “make you feel alive”. (He said this when he was drunk).

The argument again, through me out with emotional dysregulation. I stressed. I cried that Sunday, and then wasn’t able to go in to work on the Monday. On the Monday I messaged him and explained about my emotional dysregulation. He replied saying, he was “wary of this getting too close” and that “he told me about his ex” and that he wasn’t reliable right now, and not sure that would be good, given my condition. I gave him another speech about how I’m not his ex, and that it’s not fair to bring that in to our connection, and also that I can’t be the only person working to overcome insecurities and the past in order to continue with whatever it is we have.

That was on the Monday. We didn’t talk for a couple of days. Then on the Wednesday, last Wednesday, I was at work, and suddenly felt an extreme animal instinct to have sex. Extreme. I message him saying “shall we just get this over and done with, and just fuck”. He replied saying, are you ok? you were upset with me and now we’re here. I said that I didn’t know him very well, he could be anyone. I said that he did wrong by drunk messaging, and I was wrong for over-reacting, and we should just keep it simple – aka just a sexual thing.

I went home, got changed, and then went round his. When I met him he’d just come back from a night out. It was intense. I felt a very very strong urge to have sex with him. We sat and listened to music for a bit, and he was talking non-stop again. He admitted that he felt anxious. We were drinking as well. I started the sex, and at one point he said “I am trying to change by the way”, i said “what?” and he said “in response to your messages, when you said you can’t be the only one overcoming the past and insecurities for this”, i was like “ahhh, i can’t talk about this right now”.

He also said, that when he talks to me he sees the world differently. And we were just staring at each other for ages (haha). It was such good sex, such such good sex. The best I’ve had because I felt super comfortable, and it felt natural. At one point during sex I’m pretty sure that he said “I fucking love you” but really quietly, and I just ignored it.

In the morning, he was more distant. And he went to work, and I went back to mine.

We’ve messaged since, and both said that our sex was great, and that we both would do it again etc. I’ve been messaging him a bit on facebook messenger, but I think it’s bad for me. This is because when he doesn’t reply I worry about the whole thing, and worry that I’m not wanted etc etc. Worry that he’s only using me for sex. Worry that he does this to loads of girls etc etc etc.

I deleted the app from my phone again today.

Also, I had my period last week, and it finished. I woke up today in sheer agony. I was bleeding and it was so painful. I also had constipation. I was on the toilet for ages. It was too painful. I went outside and I was nearly sick as well. I phoned in sick to work. So I was off again. And it was also today that my old manager was going to meet with me and give me a written warning about my attendance…. I’ve been at home today, in bed thinking about all of this. I need to go to doctors tomorrow about my period pain and see if i can have anything to help with that. But also, sometimes it feels like I want to escape my life, so I don’t go to work.

I’m also worried I’m going to get too attached to the Toby thing and ruin the whole thing…. or use it as an escape from my life etc.

So yes, today I’ve just taken time out to try and make sense of everything that’s happening at the moment.

I would like to hear your thoughts on all this,

Cat

Ok, so more updates:

2 weeks ago, I was on my way to work, and my sister messaged me, saying how things were still really bad 🙁 (abusive relationship, marriage). I think I’ve told you about this before. Anyway, I really can’t have her staying with me in Bristol, because when I’ve tried to help her before she’s been abusive towards me, negative, and nothing is ever good enough. She was like tht over text when I said I didn’t know what more I could do etc. It really threw me off, so I called in to work and said I couldn’t go in.

I went to the centre of town, bought a pack of cigarettes and went to the nearest quiet park space (this is my instant reaction whenever something distressing happens). My new manager called me, and we spoke for an hour about it all .He was really understanding, and gave me the day off to try and fix this situation.

It was that same morning that my Dad text me saying he had a missed call from me and to call him back. I told him that I hadn’t called him and it must’ve been my sister. I asked him if he had spoken to her, and he never replied. My sister text me that day saying she had called them crying down the phone, begging and they hung up on her. She said she received a phonecall from my mum that day, with my mum shouting at her, and that my mum had said that her and me had “made our decision” and that was it.

I would like to know thoughts on this?

I met up with my spirit guide Roy, whos 74, indian man who came to my graduation. We had a walk in the park, and he gave me two books – spiritual living, and one on undoing the ego. We spoke in depth, and I realised that he is part of my soul family. The people who really have been there for me in these distressing times and never been abusive.

I have not heard from my sister since….. I’m not sure there is more else I can do?

I visited one of my friends who lives in the countryside at the weekend. She is happily married, has a dog, and her family come round and visit her all the time, and they do things for her and they are happy to see her happy. When I am in their company, I feel so privileged to be invited in to a family and world that is so loving. We even visited her grandparents.

It pulls on my heartstrings because it makes me feel like that’s the one thing I’ll never have – that feeling of being totally accepted by my family. Or wondering if there is any future? Should I feel guilty when my grandparents die?? I have no idea.

OBviously, its still a worry, and wonder – and I’m confused about my responsibility with this. Would like to hear your thoughts.

Cat xx

Dear Anita,

I hope this message finds you well. It’s 2.44pm in England, Saturday afternoon. The sun is out, and it’s 28 degrees. Very hot!! I’m just on my way out to a carnival in town – street party with lots going on, going to be a great day.

I agree, that is how religion started – people needing an answer for pain maybe? A reason for existence, suffering, life itself etc.
For me – I’m not religious, but I have looked in to different religions. There was a time where I sought solace and salvation at a multi-faith ashram in Wales. I felt I had nothing left – I went to pray, and I went to find answers for it all. It was there that I met my friend Natalie – older British Indian woman. We were the only two women there who weren’t with families. And it turned out that we had pretty similar situations. Both on our own, both with no family, both had hard upbringings. We would often sit up and have talks about life, spirituality etc. It was so lovely to have that connection. We still catch up as well. Still in contact. She actually came to my graduation. The people that I invited to my graduation were my support system: Natalie, an older Indian man called Sam who also helped me a lot on my spiritual path (he does this with a lot of students), and my boyfriend at the time.

I had my therapy phone call today, was great. I have more homework to do – filling out a worksheet on values. What’s valuable to me, and what things I can do to ensure that I am meeting my values etc. !! All good stuff. – with the emotions regarding family, I try not to let it impact my present… And remind myself that with my connection with my family, I am never allowed to be myself or put myself first. There is no way that I would be able to grow in to the person that I want to become, and so I am putting that first.

Yes, the day is long….But the days off are SO worth it!! I’m looking at the positives (only way to do it) – bus time = music time/ reading time/ lyric writing time/ solitude time. At work = I’m getting nursing care experience. The residents are lovely. The staff are a good team and work hard. It’s a community. I also get 3 meals at work as well.

Cat

Dear Anita,

I hope this message finds you well.

Yes, I am continuing to do the therapy homework, when I can.

My shifts are 15 hour days – I think I said this. But this involves me waking up at 4, getting ready to leave at 5, catching the buses to get there and start my shift at 7. Working through until 10pm, then catching buses back after. I’ve been fine with doing that routine, its just the next day (like today) that I tend to feel overwhelmed/ running out of time/ lack motivation/ lower self esteem etc.

I am hoping that I get used to my routine and can start having more energy on my days off.

Like today, I woke up around 12/1, and felt too overwhelmed. I am pushing myself to catch up on here, activity diary etc., and then get ready to go swimming with my housemate…. The bad dreams are still happening and don’t help with this.

My aim is to get in to a routine where I am healthy, functioning, working and also doing my hobbies as well.

Cat

Dear Anita,

I hope this message finds you well.

Good news – I’ve switched to 15 hour days, which means I have days off inbetween my shifts – sometimes one day, sometimes 2 days, sometimes 4 days etc. A lot better for me, as I have to catch the bus there an back. And it means on my days off I can relax, catch up with messages and Tiny Buddha, food shop, hobbies etc.!!

It’s my day off today – so I’m doing a food shop, catching up with you, and doing therapy homework, tidying and cleaning a bit, play guitar and catching up with my friend from Chicago.

Cat

– more thoughts.. Tonight, my housemate is having a bbq. She is Spanish but speaks great English. All of her friends tonight are Spanish. I tried sitting with everyone, but not much to talk about… I have a slight headache again. I’m wondering if I get headaches when I’m pushed out of my comfort zone? I’m currently sat upstairs with hot chocolate. Realising how much I am in my comfort zone and find comfort, safety and sanctuary in that. I guess it’s taken me years to have a comfort zone, which is why when things happen, I tend to retreat back and regather energy. If that makes sense?