Dear Anita,

It’s 10.36am here. This morning I woke up at 6.15ish. Had breakfast and a coffee, and medication. Relaxed and played wordscape – new word puzzle game I have on my phone that I find incredibly relaxing.

I felt different when I woke up this morning – more clear-headed, more free. Free from self-doubt and free from worry. It’s moments and times like these where I feel I have another chance at being like everyone else, and having courage to lead a life like everyone else does.

After the game, I did some therapy work.Then picked up my guitar and wrote more to part of a song. I then showered and got dressed – this is quite big for me as usually I wake up feeling heavy-headed, lots of worry, lots of self-doubt and I end up staying in bed all day.

I am currently eating toast, and getting ready to go to the bank and go do a food shop.

Sometimes it’s hard for me to read your replies, because they are always so in depth. Not because of what you have written, but because talking to someone else about these things means I need to face them. Like reading back on the stuff about guilt and shame. That feeling. I’ve lived for so long with these feelings, memories etc and been ashamed of them so have pushed them to the back. I haven’t really spoken with anyone who is willing to discuss them in such depth, which is a first.

In response to the grief and shame: could you give me an example of how the neuropathways are created? And also, an example of what a trigger might be in the present?

I have an appointment with my doctor on Tuesday – I will discuss the period problem then, and also see if I can increase my anti-depressants as well. I will let you know how it goes.

I agree with the priorities that you listed: 1. Health, 2. Job 3. Anything else.

And that is what I am trying to do.

In regards to Toby… I get the feeling that we are both severely attracted to each other, but it’s all been very fast and intense (as usual). So it’s difficult to navigate what to do.
I should probably say as well, that I do have an unhealthy relationship with social media, messaging and being worried/ anxious about replies etc. I’ve found myself doing that the past week and so I’ve gotten rid of facebook again – it’s really, really, really bad for me – almost like I look to it for answers, if that makes sense?

I’m still using Instagram, but am trying to not focus so much on social media and get busy with my life and doing all the things I need to do, and also love….

Also, must say that Toby liked my instagram selfie at like 3.30am last night xD After all my stressing I thought this was funny. Interest is still there, will see how it plans out. And yes you’re right, I’m not putting any expectation on this, just going to take the communication day by day – and starting from the end…That kind of makes sense?? Like, as if I’ve just released that attachment, yes?

Cat

• This reply was modified 5 years, 8 months ago by Cat.

Dear Anita,

Bare with me while I respond to all three of the past messages.

In general, I’ve been feeling like I’ve been making progress recently. I’ve been feeling like I’m growing, maturing, being more self-assured and at peace with my life. Feeling like I can be like everyone else. For the first time in my life I feel like I might be able to live the life that I want to. Finding peace with myself, feeling like I might be able to build the life and be the person that I’ve always wanted to be: stable home, feminine woman, happy times, life without depression, a life where I am accepted, and where I end up with a partner who loves me for me.

The past 3 days have been incredibly hard for me. I worked on Saturday, all day. Came home to a letter from work about my attendance and how I’m on a warning etc.I spent Sunday all day in bed catching up with sleep. It has become Autumn now and the wind has gotten colder. I can’t help but feel more alone, and be taken back to memories of the past. I had a lot of intense dreams, about my parents, old friends, and an old boyfriend I had who really used me for sex when I was in love with him. The nightmares were bad.

I’ve been taken back to a state of depression. I released a lot of emotion on to Toby, and messaged him about how I felt inside and about him. It was a lot and too much. There was no reply.

Yesterday I went out for a meal with my spiritual guidance Roy, and an old friend from uni George. The meal was fine, but I drank a lot and was thinking about the Toby thing, and again, was taken back to a place where I’ve been before – longing after someone or something that I can’t have. I spoke to George and Toby, and also was talking to George about Clarence as well (guy I nearly married in Chicago). On my walk home, I looked at the picture of me and Clarence that we took just before we went to get our marriage certificate. Both young, both punk, both as insane as each other to be willing to fall in love with someone so fast.

I got home, and I unblocked Clarence on instagram. I saw a picture he posted of the tshirt design he did on a song that I showed him. I commented on it and said “F*ck you, I showed you that”. He replied saying “F*ck you right back, I was going to give you this for christmas before you went all wishy washy on me”. I said “dude I had a breakdown”. Anyway, after that, I saw that he posted this really horrible misogynistic thing that was aimed at me on his instagram, about ugly girls, calling them bitches and stuff. And I realised then that it wasn’t him that I was looking for at all – because he’s not a nice guy at all, he’s actually awful.

I came to the realisation that for such a long time, I’ve been searching for home. Home. I thought about this, and because my sense of safety, belonging and home was taken from me at such a young age, throughout my teens and 20s I’ve been searching for that in other situations and people – partners, friendship groups, drugs work etc. That hit me hard. Really hard, and I spent last night crying about it and thinking back to when I was really young, and when I was happy as a little girl, when I was adored, and my parents wanted me around.

I posted this on Instagram, a quote by R.M Drake:

‘I want to live in a place where love isn’t a metaphor for sex and silence isn’t a metaphor for fear. Where if you are laughing all day you’re not considered crazy and if you want to actually help someone it’s not to expect something in return. Where small talk doesn’t exist and people genuinely care. And where you and I are closer together. Imagine that what a beautiful thing it can be. I want to go there, I want to grow old there, and above all, I want to love there’.

Beneath the quote I wrote my own paragraph:

‘I want to live in the place where I once felt loved, when my heart was huge and everyone accepted my cuddles and I danced with teddybears. Where everyone gave me constant attention and I played dress up everyday. Where the world was full of curiosities, and I remembered the safe smell of my mothers skin. When I could wake up and be whatever I wanted and it was accepted. I was accepted, and I felt protected. Where my family actually wanted me and wanted to be in my company, and my dad was obsessed with making pointless home videos, just so one day we could watch it all back – simply because he was proud we were his. I want to live in the place where I had a real family and felt like a real visible person in the world, a place where I was unconditionally loved, in that very brief time that I felt like I was wanted, like I belonged, like I had a home. I would feel so unbelievably lucky or blessed if I ever experienced that feeling again in my lifetime, but I know for sure that one day, eventually, that’s where I’ll return to, after life on this Earth, that’s the haven I’ll return to. As for now, I can’t give up on my childhood dreams, or the deep source of loss at the root of all pain: I can’t give up on my soul’s quest for a euphoric state of acceptance, a euphoric sense of belonging, a euphoric haven of home’.

I’ve been thinking about this all this morning. I apologised to Toby last night when I was drunk, but today I sent him a message explaining what’s going on with me, and that I’m coming to terms with stuff that’s happened with my family, and that I should of been adult and not started anything etc. I said for him to take care and to stay real. I don’t expect to hear back from him as my messages have been way too intense and deep for someone who doesn’t really know me.

Cat

Dear Anita,

Thank you. I think that I am growing and maturing, and I need to focus on my own life.

It’s 10.21pm on Sunday, I need to sleep soon, as I have to get up for work at 4am tomorrow. I am sat on my bed listening to Belinda Carlisle – Heaven is a Place on Earth. A song that is one of my “homes”. It reminds me of being young and dancing to this, and it gives me faith of the euphoria in love as well. Such a great song.

I like your description of finding home in different places, bit by bit at a time.

Toby replied and said this:

‘Look, I really hope this doesn’t come across as patronising and I really hope it doesn’t come across as an excuse from a manipulator, because tbh the reason I haven’t replied till now was because I’ve come to understand how you might have seen me and it’s really not representative of who I actually am, but that’s my fault, I’m very closed off and defensive, you’ve seen glimmers of me outside of that but that’s always been my coping mechanism, thats why I can seem either wholly invested or wholly detached, but this isnt about me, bottom line is, and this is why I said I hope this doesn’t come across as patronising etc, you’re a much better person than me, I’m not fishing for compliments, that’s just true, you’re so much more open to bettering yourself and facing your demons and that’s incredible but I’m not like that and that’s why I frustrate you, I just want you to know that I’m a lot of things but I’m not a liar and every positive thing I’ve said about you has been honest, as much as it might seem it hasn’t, I’m sorry I’ve fucked with there your at, I really am but I don’t want you to think it’s been purposeful, it hasn’t, you’re an incredible person, I feel so connected to you personally and physically but for whatever reason I’m not willing enough to get better as you are, and if thats construed as my misdoing then so be it, I’ve essentially waffled a lot of nonsense but the take away is your special and thats a rare thing’.

Thoughts on this?

Cat

Dear Anita,

Yes, it’s been like that since we started talking. Sending those sort of honest paragraphs to each other about stuff. To be fair to him, he has put up with ALOT of self righteous text speeches from me. I think anyone else would’ve blocked me to be honest. That message he sent made me realise how I might be coming across – I may be talking too much about my CBT, tiny buddha, angel numbers, spirituality etc which might be intense and intimidating for someone who isn’t in to any of that…. I would like to reply to him and say that my beliefs don’t make me better than anyone else etc. And just have a chat with him about that.

I also realised that I was becoming attached to his replies, and so I’m trying to hold off messaging him for a while… I don’t want any of this to be a repeat of what’s happened with any of my previous exes, where I was obsessed with them and too focused on them.

Cat

Dear Anita,

I replied to that message yesterday and sent an honest message back. I’d type it out here but it’s pretty long. In summary, I thanked him for his honest reply, said that I’ve thought about what I talk about/ post online, and that I’ve realised I’ve been too fixated on learning/growth for a while. I said what happened with Clarence in Chicago, and how I spent xmas alone and it was only really doing tarot cards and having faith that made me feel like I could sort my life out. I said about how sometimes it’s when I lack faith in myself that I look inwards. I said about how there’s loads of things I want to do like learning more guitar, practicing vocals, reading poetry, art exhibitions etc and I’d like to get to a point where I spread my time more equally and not so much focused on the spiritual stuff. I said about how my stories and beliefs are so unique to me and sound weird to other people, but that’s why I love hearing people’s different stories and beliefs etc. And at the end I said that I’d never even thought about him “bettering” himself or being like me at all, and why would I? I said that I liked him because he wasn’t me, has his own obsessions and interests. I also said that he knows more about music than I do, better at guitar etc. and those are things that he is that I’m not etc.

I will see if he does reply to this. But I think my message was fair? Let me know what you think.

Cat

Dear Anita,

No reply from Toby as of yet. Such is the way. Such is the way. I don’t know what to say. It’s hard when I feel like there’s a special or honest connection with someone, and then its lost. Again, all I can say is, such is the way, such is the way.

It’s 5.17pm in Bristol. I’ve been in bed all day, as I did a 15 hour shift yesterday, so I’m exhausted. It’s on days like these, where I’m exhausted, feeling like I’m not worth replying to (etc.) that I have to fight my mental health from taking me down depression alley. Trying to remind myself of all the lessons I’ve been learning recently, and all the inner strength I have to make my life what it is on my own. I feel like, when you’re someone who has to teach yourself that, or unlearn the idea that someone else is responsible for your happiness – it really does feel like the impossible.

Cat