Dear Anita,

It feels now like I’m almost battling small spouts of depression. Small little pockets of it that spring up, but then leave again. Does this sound familiar?

It’s like I get scared….scared to live, or like I lose all belief that I can do the smallest things. like washing up.

I can’t remember if I tried to give up smoking recently, not sure if I tried or not.

I just had a realisation, that I fear to live sometimes. Fear going on my skateboard. Fear playing guitar. Whereas a few weeks ago, I was jumping on my skateboard and loving life in general…. I’m trying to figure out where this fear and lack of confidence has come from.

Cat

Dear Anita…..

I have had a revelation about my fear today, which I will explain in a bit.

In response to your earlier post from the other day about your BPD diagnosis:

It sounds like your experience of BPD was more extreme, compared to what mine is now. As it seems like you were more isolated? Whereas I have stable relationships with my housemates, people at work etc etc. And it’s only romantic relationships that trigger me, and are that intense up-and-down trust-lack of trust thing….. I can somewhat relate to how you felt about that guy… Not in the space of that time, but over time – I build someone up to be the best person in the world – because they are showing me that side as well – caring, loving, complimenting, in love etc. And when things go wrong and they start pointing out my flaws, that’s when I start to see them as being cowardly/ liar etc. As I think, if someone loves me, how can they be mean to me?

The other day was like….I don’t know. Everything seemed unbearable. Everything seemed heavy. Everything seemed as though it was just too huge to do….Whereas today I feel more light and feel like I can do the things I want to do easier. Maybe that is part of the depression/ BPD. I am going to organise a Dr’s appointment soon, and ask for an increase of the antidepressants.

In terms of the fear…. I realised this weekend. What I fear most, is wasting my life/ my time by not doing what I want to do or not accomplishing what I want to achieve. But at the same time I have a MASSIVE fear of having a schedule!!! As the thought of my brain needing to be in the right mode and focus, and to dedicate so much time and commitment to something….That’s terrifying for me!!!

Maybe this fear comes from watching my parents just devote all their time on each other when I was younger, and them not having commitments. Watching them be pessimistic about goals and hobbies and achievements etc. And also, that fear of commitment coming from worrying I’m going to end up with a life imprisonment as a routine, like they both did *shudder*.

I think that’s why I’ve been so go-with-the-flow, airy fairy for so long. As I wanted to feel free. I saw their way of life and how trapped in they were, and really didn’t want to be like that.

But now, I have so many goals I want to do, and those goals require time and dedication…and a schedule!! I am allowing myself today, Sunday, to just try and enjoy relaxing, and also allowing myself to come to terms with the fact that I need to start a schedule but I am terrified. So I am allowing myself time to accept that fear in myself this evening….And looking up advice and experiences!!

Your opinion on this would be great,

Cat

• This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by Cat.

Dear Anita,

Yes – your experience does sound more extreme.. But when I was 17, I had really turbulent relationships, and I can REALLY relate to what you have said…. a time where I was in my head all the time, socially anxious – wouldn’t say ANYTHING. Didn’t know myself, just went along with life in my head… I felt like I wasn’t really using my brain, and I had NO self awareness at all(!) It was around that time I was realising how repressed I had been growing up, and was getting involved with the punk scene etc etc. – May talk about this more another time.

Sorry – I usually am fine with people telling me about flaws – friends, work etc. I think it’s during an emotional breakdown, when things are really intense.. And then they see this. That’s the part that hurts the most. I think it hurts because I’ve allowed people I’m romantically involved with to see this really, damaged/ underlying side etc. And I guess it’s losing my dignity from that that makes it all so unbearable.

But, PROGRESS!! I went to work today (will talk more about that later too) – new job in different care home. Came back, and went out with my skateboard, and went up some hills and progressed higher up the hills 😀 😀 I realised – When I was out doing it…. I refused to panic about it.

I refused to panic about it. And also….I didn’t attach any emotion to what I was doing at all.

It felt great. And not attaching emotion to things is something I feel will bring me more progress and peace. <3

Cat

Dear Anita,

I hope you are well – and I hope this message finds you fast as well..

It’s been a big day for me. Firstly, I started therapy today – My new therapist is lovely, and seems to be REALLY good at her job!! SO that was a positive step.

I had first band practice today… And this I’m confused about…

So, My friend Greta is 31 and has been in a band with her husband for 8 years or so. She’s a bassist. She wanted to start a band that was me, her, and a drummer. I’m 25 and this is my first band. Greta has been involved in the punk scene for years… but more the old school punk scene – very male dominated, heavy on testosterone and a lot of guys who can’t talk about their feelings etc. Greta picked the drummer – who’s 45ish – old school punk etc.

A couple weekends ago, I saw the drummer – Nigel out in Bristol. I went up to him, enthusiastic about the band, and he wasn’t enthusiastic back at all…. I felt a bit disappointed to be honest, and had doubts about it. I had doubts about him anway. Later on in the evening, there was a girl there who had previously been enthusiastic about drumming in a band with me. I said to Nigel, if you don’t want to drum, then she can drum etc. I said this because he wasn’t enthusiastic about the band.

Anyway, we had band practice today… And obviously I was nervous as hell. Bit of a problem with the tuning of my guitar but I need to sort that. There was a bit of stop/ start etc. But Nigel sat on the drums and looked like he was judging to be honest. He played drums a bit, but after a while he stopped and said that he didn’t want to be in the band.

And that point Greta said “Well this isn’t going well”. And then Nigel mentioned what I’d send a couple weekends ago. I explained that I didn’t think he was enthusiastic etc. He’s very…. old, not good at talking emotions, and used to the male scene if I’m honest…. We went outside, and he said “Well i came down here to jam with some mates a few weeks ago and that was fun”. And I just said “You’re a lot older than me, you have so much experience. This is my first band. Of course I’m going to be stop/ start to begin with, on first practice, and I’m not sorry about that”.

It was a tough situation. Especially as I don’t know Greta incredibly well. But, I felt like Nigel was judging me because I wasn’t perfect asap, whereas he’s used to all the 40 year old punks who have been playing for years etc…

After I went back in Greta said that the 3 of us wasn’t working, but she thinks that me and her can work. We practiced again a bit. Some bits were good and we played well together.

We agreed that its going to be just us 2 for a while, until we’re really confident together, and then we can look for a drummer.

But another thing. After band practice, I came home with a massive headache… The last time I met up with Greta on a night out, I had the same headache at the end of the night. Exactly the same. I’m worried that this is a sign from the Universe??

Would like to know your thoughts on all this,

Cat