Hi there,

It sounds like you know what your heart wants but your head is telling you something else. I am in a fairly similiar situation at the moment and the thing that’s motivating me to look for another job is that I know that the situation is not going to get better as time goes by. The grind of doing nothing is a terrible habit to cultivate and though others have expectations of what I should do, it’s ultimately my life and I don’t want to look back wondering what might have been when I knew what I should have done.

There is a really good talk that Jim Carrey did a while ago about how he became a comedian that I found quite inspirational. Basically, he said that his father always wanted to be a comedian but he ended up as an accountant instead to provide for the family. However, after 10 years in the industry, he was fired when the company down sized and the lesson that Jim Carrey learned as a child is that even when we do what is percieved as “safe”, you can still fail. So instead of going for the safe option, he decided to go for something he want to do so that way, everytime he hits a barrier it is a lesson to become better in something that he loves.

Hope that helps.

Hi Bill,

Based on what you said, it sounds like you are going through a phase of reviewing all the choices you’ve made in life. Whilst that is natural, an over focus of the negative aspects of our lives can sabatage our relationship with others. I find this to be especially true when committment is required (because there is always a little voice on the back saying what if it didn’t work?) and no matter how much others praise you or what your achievements are, it can never drown out the constant voice of self doubt.

Sun Tzu once said that “The effective general is one who win first then enters into battle. The ineffective general goes into battle first and then seek to win”. Before you go into a mode of “doing” consider spending a bit of time to invest in how you percieve yourself and the world. Pratice gratitude (e.g. some people keep a diary on the things they are greatful about), be aware of your feelings (meditation helps), weed out self criticism (e.g. if you wouldn’t criticise a friend the way you criticise yourself, then you know it’s too much) and reframe negative thoughts that are not helpful (e.g. instead of focusing on being single, think of it as an opportunity to meet someone amazing). These things will help you to focus on the present rather than your past or your future.

Hi Jan,

It’s a tough cookie. Having been on the recieving end of a break up more than a few times, I understand that feeling of wondering whether if there is something you can do to make it right. Maybe a text, an email, a letter, a phone call, an apology….basically anything to let the other person knows how much you missed them. The sad truth is that there is nothing you can do to make someone love you and as the saying goes, if they are meant to be in your life, let them go and they will come back to you anyway. The more you give in to your urges to make contact, the crappier you will feel about yourself when they don’t respond until you realise your happiness is entirely dependant on how they interract with you. Looking at it from the other side of the fence, if you decide to break up with someone but they continue to contact you regularly and try to win you back by buying you little gifts, will that make you want them more or less?

When I had my break up earlier this year, I thought to myself that wow, so this is rock bottom. The decision I had to make at the time was should I try to win her back or should I use this opportunity to make some long overdue changes? I decided on the later because even if by some mircale that I won her back, we are still the same people and as Einstein once said, the definition of insanity is trying the same thing but expect different outcomes. So I stopped drinking for 3 months, started meditation and yoga, changed jobs, went overseas for 3 months and moved somewhere else when I returned. In the begining, I thought that perhaps if I improved myself, maybe she will come back and that kept me going for a while. However, while I was travelling in South America, I realised that I can be happy on my own and instead of focusing on the other person, working on myself is for myself is far more important. Afterall, the only person that I can be certain of spending the rest of my life with is me and if I don’t take care of myself, why should anyone?

Once I’ve returned, I ran into the ex and she asked if I wanted to hang out again as we have a lot in common. We gave the whole thing another try but found that we are no longer compatible because I will no longer put up with certain things. That’s ok though becasue the improvements I’ve made are still there but I would probably feel a lot worst if I’ve spent the year trying to win her affection.

Hey R,

I agree with what Stefan said in that you can’t be friends with an ex that you still have strong feelings for. I had a similiar experience recently and know that it’s really hard to have a clean break with someone when you have lots in common, enjoy the company of each other and spent intimiate moments together. However, if you feel that you have to talk her into having a relationship, the repeated no’s will eventually wear you down and leave you feeling rejected and frustrated.

You are correct in pointing out that if you go down the frienship track, things are going to get painful when she starts seeing someone else and it’s going to be there as long as you are her friend. It can come in the form of comparing youself with every guy she dates, those little awkard moments where you want to move things beyond a friendship and recieved a firm no and/or tearing yourself up inside while trying to support her emotionally for her relationship woes. These moments will inevitablly lead to self doubt, which can poison relationships you have with other women.

With a clean break, it will be painful and you will hurt for a while but at least you can move on. It might be difficult breaking the news to her but remember that she did you the courtesy of being honest with her feelings and didn’t lead you on under false pretense.