Hi Eevee,

Reading your story, it sounds like the way you feel about A and C are more in line with a friendship than any romantic feeling. At 22, it is often easy to confuse the two especially when guys are trying to get into the relationship zone via the friend zone (most of us eventually grow out of it). If you don’t have strong friendships around you, you will end up entering a relationship just because you want a friendship. This can work to a point but the main problem is that when someone you feel truly connected to shows up, like B, you will be unavailable. It also goes without saying that it’s tough to break up with someone who loves you because you don’t feel
that way about them AFTER you’ve been out for a while.

Personally, I try to avoid dating women who only have male friends becasue it usually means that she can only relate to men that are interested in her (which indicate poor social skills outside of the romantic world), that her self esteem needs to be boosted by male attention (which indicates insecurity within herself) and no matter how much we try, the relationship never work out because her main source of advice are from guys that wanted to date her. Generally speaking, the only men this type of women attract are hanger ons and users.

Before getting into a relationship, you should develop friendships with people that are not actively/passively trying to date you (e.g. other women). This will give you a point of reference re how you truly feel about a “guy friend”, a source of advice on how you should proceed and a comfort for when things didn’t work out.

Hi Jessa,

In a lot of ways, you have already answered your own question in that you know you will regret it if you don’t ask and there is absolutely nothing to be gained for not asking (while asking will present the opportunity for employment). Yes, it’s true that he may say no and if that’s the answer, it will be heart breaking and soul rendering but this pain is still far less than the disappointment you have in yourself for not asking. As an adult, do you admire someone who tried, failed but kept trying or someone who gives up before trying? Be the person you admire and you will build your confidence no matter what the outcome is for this encounter.

Oh and if it helps, we are usually more critical of ourselves than anyone else in the world. So you might think that he’s seen you at your worst but it’s highly likely that it’s not as bad as you thought.

Oh wow, thanks for sharing Catherine as I can see a lot of myself in what you wrote. I’ve also had a recent relationship break up where we seem to be perfect for each other in terms of appearence, intellect, hobbies and interests but for some reason it just didn’t work. I too tried everything I could to make it work and after reflecting upon it for a bit, I think this is the crux of the issue. Sounds crazy right but hear me out.

When we try to make things work, we usually do this by presenting our best side, which in some way say that we are not lovable if we are not perfect. The other thing is that if I tried to do everything perfect, it means that I am not comfortable in being vulnerable with the other person which lead her to being guarded around me as well. So even though most of our encounters were pleasent and civilized, it’s more like how friends behaviour around each other instead of lovers.

The other mistake I made in that relationship was that I tried to avoid way too many confrontations. There were a couple of things that my ex did that bothered me but instead of saying something about it, I just let it slide or worst, tried to change my perception by rationalising it in my mind. Again, this is akin to saying to myself that that if I express an opinion that disagrees with her’s, she will not love me. However, by avoiding potential frictions in a relationship, there will be no fire and no matter how pleasent it is, it will eventually fade over time.

So the next time I am in a relationship, I am going to avoid over thinking and just be. If it is going to last the distance, I have to present my true self and let it develop in an organic way.

Hi Emma,

Have you ever wondered that without the experience of your youth, you will not be the person you are today? Present Emma is wise, have good health, appreciate her partner and a good friend to others because young Emma have gone down the other road and realised how empty it all feels. One of the issues that you are going through at the moment is that whenever you feel happy about something, you feel that it is undeserved because young Emma will come out and remind you of how things used to be.

If you want to move on, a suggestion I have is that instead of judging young Emma for her wild days, be compassionate towards her. In our youth, we have a tendency to do things outside of our character in order to look for love and acceptance and some people will use this to get us do things that made us feel horrible about ourselves afterwards. This often leads to a lot of unresolved guilt leaving us thinking “how could I have let this happen to me? That’s right it’s because I was stupid and bad ” when it’s simply just a case of being young and naive.

So the next time young Emma shows up in your mind, don’t push her away or alieanate her from the present you. Just accept her and be proud of making it through the dark times.

Like the other posters said, you’ve handled yourself perfectly in a tough situation. Well done Lucy.

With your ex, it sounds like he is confused about his own emotions. When the relationship ended, he feel in control over the situation because he was the one who broke up with you. But when you didn’t react in a way he expected you to (like crying or begging him to get back together), he became confused and thought, hey maybe she is just angry. Hence the apology text, again hoping to provoke some kind of reaction. When you didn’t respond, you took that sense of control from him and he starts to wonder. Suddenly, you feature more and more in his mind and he may even start to remember the good times you two had together. But instead of regreting how the relationship ended, he turned it into anger because generally speaking, men find it a lot easier to handle anger than hurt. This is evident when he over looked all the awful things he did to you while justifying his anger by focusing on you not texting him back. Keeping your things is a way for him to maintain a sense of control and a connection to you. When that was cut off, he acted out his pain by verbally abusing you because he wants you to feel hurt to make himself feel better.

In the next couple of weeks, he will probably try to contact you through text or social media. In my experience, these attempts usually come in two flavors: angry and/or full grovel apology wanting to get back together, promising that he will change etc. You might be tempted by the full grovel offer but remember that he didn’t do this for you, it’s just a way for him to feel good about himself again. As soon as he “got” you again, he will return to his old ways.

This is not something that you can help him with (or should). How we handle post break up emotions is part of growing up and in this case you’ve emerged as a woman, while your ex sounds like a child throwing a tantrum.

Having worked in a similiar environment, I have experienced a lot of what you are going through right now. Like Keith said, a lot of managers feel that it’s ok to tell their staff that they are just a cog in the machine and give a “if you don’t like it, leave” attitude. If you stay in that environment for long enough, eventually you will believe in the lies they tell you and this will have a collapsing effect into the other areas of your life.

My suggestion: start looking for something else because it’s not worth spending the bulk of your time at a place that under values your input.

Hi Sia,

Reading what you wrote reminded me of this quote:

” A ship in harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for”

If you are feeling so unhappy that physical illness started to manifest, it’s an indication that everything within you is rebelling against the idea of staying in chennai. Coming from a Asian background myself, I can understand the pressure of meeting parental expectations and their obession on external achievements. The idea of “put off what makes you happy now so you can have a good job, buy a nice house and marry someone successful” was a constant theme for me whilst growing up and it wasn’t until last year that I realised no matter how many milestones I’ve achieved, I was still unhappy because I’ve been leading the life that my parents want rather than the one that I want. Granted, I still believe that our parents had our best interes at heart, it’s just that the world is a different place now and their set of values no longer apply to the life that I want to lead.

The truth is, things like career, material goods and marriage are not going to make you happy unless you are passionate about it. How long can you stay passionate about your practice when you have communication barriers with your patients? How many times can you come back to an empty house you own before the feeling of lonliness consumes you? How can you meet the love of your life when you are unhappy and riddle with health problems?

My sgugestion to you is to have an open and honest discussion with your mother and tell her how you feel about this. Bottom line is, this is your life and though you respect her opinion, it’s your life and you are going to make a decision that doesn’t endanger your health. It’s going to be hard and I wish you all the best.

Hi Kate,

It sounds like you have made some positive steps towards getting out of a tough situation, which is not easy since your ex left you in a messy situation with little support. By going into therapy and moving his stuff out, there is a spark within you that says “well this is crap but it’s not going to beat me” and there is not much I can add in that area. The trouble is that when we have a relationship break up, it is very easy to focus on the past (e.g. reviewing what you could have done to change the outcome) and the future (e.g. how can I ever love again?). As there is nothing we can do to change the past and our future is yet to be determined, the only thing we can focus on is the present.

A suggestion I have for this is in addition to all the work you are doing with the overcoming your grief, do something that you enjoy and/or always have an interest in. At the moment, you may find it difficult to muster up the energy to try something new but one of the ways to become more optimistic about the future is to have something to look forward to in your calendar. This will also give your mind a chance to focus on something else and an opportunity to meet new people. By this I don’t mean you should jump into another relationship but as you’ve already recognised, the best way to convince that little voice in your mind that you are not going to be alone is to be with people who appreciates your company.