Hi Christiebae,

I’ve worked with a couple of women who has been in your situation and it’s a difficult experience. Just posting here shows that even though he spent years chipping away your confidence and maintained this practice in regular intervals, there is a little voice inside you that knows something is not right. Reaching out for help is a good first step to make that change.

After years of being told how you should feel, a way to get back in touch with yourself is to remove yourself from the immediate environment where he can’t contact you. Go on a holiday or if you can’t afford it, spend a couple of days with friends/family and make sure you turn off the phone in the interim. Personally, I find hiking helps to promote the healing process as it lets you forget about your troubles and focus on getting through your journey. Nature also have a way to enrich our spirits and just the feeling of the sun on your skin, the wind on your face and grass on your feet will make you feel a million times better than being in the city. Take a journal with you to jot down your thoughts and feelings during breaks and you will be amazed at how much your heart fills up afterwards.

The reason I recommend this is that it is because you understand the logic and perhaps even have ideas on how to get out of it. What is missing at the moment is the conviction to leave and deal with his persistence once you’ve made your mind up. Trying to move on with an empty heart will probably just be a repeat of the previous pattern so it’s better to arm yourself before the battle.

Life is too short to allow this kind of bullshit to happen to you – what will you get from believing a cheater anyway? You want kids and he doesnt. Someday this cycle cummulates into marriage and a kid does happen, can you ever be sure he will be the kind of person who wont lie to you again and you have to keep saying sorry? Yes people can change but he has done this repeatedly and his ideals dont match with yours. And jeez. This whole no one can love you more shit is typical of exes who want to get you back in your weak, post break up state. I heard the exact same lines and guess what, he was flirting with my friend that whole time. Dont allow such bad treatment just because you want to be in love and want a family – its worth waiting for the right partner any day! Sure you are going to cry, feel angry and lost but that is not how life will be forever – you have your own self-respect too and someday you will find that wonderful guy you actually deserve, this one doesnt and its time you accept that.

Hey Christiebae,

There is a lot of wisdom and caring in the previous replies. I suggest when you are feeling low you refer back to them to remind you that this guy is not healthy and not healthy for you. You wrote, “He’s a very manipulative person who constantly makes me question myself.”
and you wrote it further down. You are giving him power over your thoughts and feelings. Reclaim that confidence and happiness you had.
Don’t believe his lies about ‘not finding love and intimacy’ The way he is treating you is the exact opposite of love and intimacy.
I hope you focus on learning to value yourself. Don’t believe his twisted lies and selfish motives. Be with people who respect you, truly love you and want what is best for you. This sounds like the type of guy whose behavior will only escalate and become more abusive.
Give yourself permission to let go. Give yourself permission to be happy and to heal. And ask yourself, How many times am I going to touch the hot stove before I realize I get burned each time? Or How many times am I going to put my hand in scalding hot water…?