Hi Soffy,

There is one thing I am learning from current sort of relationship, and that is to not take it personal. He seems like he has a lot of emotional problems, and really, none of those seem to be at cause of you. The difference between my sort of relationship and your actual relationship, is that my sort of boyfriend is incredibly caring, loving and all in all worth the confusion I endure with him. (you’ll find my posts on here touching on that confusion, haha)

I realize that you’re looking at things objectively and understanding that any relationship can be complicated, but in my opinion, this shouldn’t be that hard.

Potential for growth is a good thing. Again, with any relationship, there can be potential for growth. But do you feel happy right here, right now? Or are you looking at this as a business deal? Your relationship with this man is not a company that you’re starting from ground up and one day you will reap the benefits of the hard work you put into it. Sure, one day maybe it’ll be easier. Maybe because you’re not working a waitress job or because he has gotten over his ex or he found the guts to tell you he loves you. But what if one day doesn’t come? Not to sound like a bumper sticker, but you really only have “right now” as a guarantee.

So look at it that way: are you happy today? it doesn’t sound like it. Your title of the post is “my relationship is killing me” That doesn’t sound fun, or any kind of growing to me. It sounds you’re (unintentionally) allowing him to limit your own growth. Perhaps take some time and re-read what you wrote. Your answers seem to be within your own question. Life is too short to spend with someone who seemingly looks at you as a second choice. While his honesty about there being a possibility he will get back with his ex eventually may seem comforting “oh at least he’s honest”–it’s not at all fair to you. (Not to compare situations again, but the guy I am seeing is hesitant about relationships because of his ex, but has made it clear that although he’s not 100% over her, he has no desire to be with her. And his hesitation is due to how she hurt him AND a few unresolved feelings floating around, and it not being fair. But he is clear he’s working on it. Which is completely different than your boyfriend essentially telling you the only reason they aren’t together is due to distance)

You seem emotionally well rounded and like you know what you want. And it doesn’t seem to be the situation you’re currently in. I’m sure you’ll find someone who’s happy with you right now, and wants to to grow with you rather than someone who is waiting for the person you will become.

Good luck.

TheAwakening,

Your post blew me away. Not only because of what you went through, but mostly because of the beautiful person that came out of it. I often wonder what comes of the children of extreme religious groups or cults, and thought I know you’re likely a rare case, I have to admit it lightens my heart just slightly to know not all of them spend a miserable life after choosing to leave the organization.

I struggle myself with clinging to hurt from the past and resentment. One of the commentors, Matt, actually gave me a few tips in helping this. When hurt by another person (or group) it’s easy to take it personal- but it’s not. Most of the time, the hurt person or people are hurt themselves, or so divulged in their delusions, it has nothing to do with you (though of course it actually has everything to do with you.) An interesting and simple quote I read recently “Hurt people hurt people” Though it doesn’t make it ok they act this way, consider yourself to be the lucky person to see their ignorance or pain, forgive them for bringing it into your life, and move on happily.

You’ve answered your own questions, girl. You know the only thing you can do is move forward and upward from what you’ve endured. You positive attitude and warm heart gives you a leap in the right direction to find your true happiness. You could have very well come from that situation bitter and apathetic. Instead, you’re eager to find peace and in essence make up for lost time. And who says it’s too late to do the things you couldn’t do! You’re young, go have fun! Go to the park and swing on the swings, go on dates (unless of course you’re involved with someone!) rollerskate, stay up late talking to friends about boys (or girls). The only sin there is letting the “what could have been” ruin your “what could be”

As far as dealing with the past- I think that you can approach it slowly. Those bricks that form that unsteady structure? No need to handle them all at once. Brick by brick. Day by day. That’s really all we are promised anyway, right now. So if today you feel like conquering one of those demons that are holding you back? Do it. If you don’t? It’s ok. But do something positive and fun. Something you DESERVE. You admit you’ve missed a lot being stuck in that group, why keep missing? They no longer have a hold on you, physically. Do your best to release their grip mentally. You can do it! Reread what you wrote. That is a powerful lady typing!

Best of luck 🙂

Hi Alby!

I’m incredibly grateful for this post, and all of the responses. It’s refreshing to know that I am not the only person who has dealt with this (also a little creepy because it was like you were in my head!)

I haven’t quite figured out my situation yet, and it’s going on two years. We’re not quite dating, not not dating, head over heels for each other, all in a dysfunctional way. I have a luggage cart of emotional baggage, and he has an entire hotel’s worth. So it gets a bit tricky, especially when I do like you and pull away at the first chance of being vulnerable. I find myself also playing off of his emotions “he’s not in love with me? Then I’m not in love with him!” I’ve also nitpicked every action and took WAYYYY too much personally. But yet, we keep trying to power through it.

You mentioned your bottom line being the good always outweighing the bad, and that really struck me. That’s basically my personal motto with my crazy relationship, and I think it’s something that is very important. If you look at things from that perspective, what does it really matter that you haven’t told each other you love one another? Who cares if it’s been 3 months or 3 years..the important thing to remember here is- are you happy? And more importantly, are you happy with him?

I absolutely 100% understand the need for wanting to hear the words. Believe me. But perhaps look at things from an alternate perspective. Maybe the way you asked him, freaked him out. Maybe admitting to you, and himself, that he has deep feelings for someone terrifies him. Based on what you’ve said about the way you guys began, coupled with the emotional baggage, it’ seems the likely case. If he’s patiently stood by you while working through those stinky layers, he’s in it for the long haul. I think that speaks volumes.

My guy also somewhat demanded an answer of how I felt for him out of me and I can honestly say, it freaked me out and I said opposite of what I meant. I spoke rashly and thought only of protecting myself, and not the total outcome. This caused him to respond in a negative manner as well, leading to a huge fight (because even though I bruised his ego with my dishonest response, MY own ego was bruised now: “how could he NOT love me??!?”) and an awkward few weeks. But we worked through it, and I’m glad we did.

My long winded response to this may or may not have helped, but what I’m basically trying to say is: if you’re happy, what does it matter. Someone can say they love you and not mean it (and vice versa!) but if his actions and his compassion and his affection are there, then that should be proof enough. When he’s finally worked through his own walls, he will say it the right way. But I don’t think you should walk away and not give him that chance.

Good luck 🙂

I think that is a great idea. Good luck.