@Kkasxo thanks mate for your insight and you really have a good vibe about you. I read your last post. I don’t think it’s possible you’re going to end up a crazy single cat lady! Your kind and remind me of traits in ‘B’ authentic but accepting of humans fallibility so thank you for being fair. Also hope your family still came even with the impending lockdown.

I was listening to spotify and a song called “Golden” came on and the lyrics reminded me of her, when I checked the artist it was Harry Styles how ironic she loved him and I’d mock her for it. Everything reminds me of her all of a sudden inside the pocket of an old blazer i found her oyster card and hair tie from one of our dates. The pangs of pain were sharp i just slammed the wardrobe shut. Things which normally help me escape like snooker and gaming no longer work, part of me wants to go back to being ignorant of these feels, when I was able to shut everything out and she didn’t matter, when I had convinced myself she would be better off and wasn’t meant for me.

Because now if I sit still with my thoughts and think about ‘B’ and all she did for me whilst I was blessed with her presence. I feel a tightness in my chest. I want to throw up.

You asked what is best for her? I feel like she deserves nothing but to be respected and cherished. I didn’t give her either which is why in the end even with her big heart she left 🙁 i succeeded in spooking myself. Who needs Halloween when I can scare and freak myself out and be the monster.

What if I call her after so long and end up hurting her further. When I say further, I would never treat her like I did but I’m afraid of refreshing that pain for her. If it made @Sammy’s pain fresh again from drawing parallels then what will it do to her?

I have spoken to my bro too but trying not to overwhelm him as he is still in recovery but he is of the opinion if I want to be a man I need to clean up the mess I made and be willing to take the bullet for my actions and do it in person. That ‘B’ will benefit.

Reading @Rhaenyss and @Sammy take, it seems you all may be right, women want an explanation and their questions answered, so I’m hoping ‘B’ is of the same mind frame and it helps her not hurt.

The reason why I want to apologise is not to win her back, I can dream but I know it is unfair to seek that off the bat. She owes me nothing. I will be indebted to her forever because she saw something in me when I was drowning, she pulled me out of deep waters.

I want to say sorry because until the very end she made sure I knew I was worthy etc. She was so selfless, even text after to see if I was doing well which I brushed off and then she did again when bros treatment began asking if he was ok. I replied and told her nothing about him and said I’d moved on and to basically stop messaging.

I was such a dick, I avoided accepting what I had done to her and confronting it. I need to face that head on and take responsibility. Do you think she will even answer now?

I want her to know, in my own twisted way I always cared about her. I want to be sure she is not damaged by my actions.  I awakened feelings in her but she reawakened my soul and I never meant to make her feel insignificant.

You give such sound advice @Kkasxo, I need to work on myself and that low worth before I can attempt any romantic relationship or it will crop up again one way or another. It was never about the body count more about trying to feel confident in the wrong way. Thinking the experience under the belt would make me cooler but it was never enough.

@Shelbyville said ‘B’ may have been a journey mate, I did learn to be better because of her she had given me confidence in myself and I went straight back into dating, I met ‘C ‘ I was the better version of me, more respectful, treated her better but I just felt like I was with someone who didn’t know every side of me. ‘B’ had managed to dive deep into my soul and see the parts even I had trouble accepting and she still accepted me.

The relationship with ‘C’ was comfortable, it was status quo, I liked her but after the newness wore off. I felt I was almost going through the motions to not feel lonely, to not have to go through the whole process of finding someone but I didn’t feel challenged to grow.

That’s when I started realising what I needed in an adult relationship and we ended it. All of a sudden ‘B’ was at the fore. At first I thought maybe it’s because I’m finding myself single again but I knew I’d been running ‘B’ within weeks of knowing me had made such an impact and encouraged change. I knew if I hadn’t been so insecure, cowardly and let it develop how exciting it would have been with me at my best if at my worst she saw so much. If only I had learned to control the desires and appreciated who she was instead of taking her for granted, I miss the little things she did that made me feel so special and the texts to make sure I got home okay. The fun dates, how warm she was when we’d hug. God, it stings real bad. I miss her.

I do believe every person in our life enters for a reason some hurt you, some teach you etc. Those that are special bring out the good in you. They are rare though and our own actions determine if they stay or leave and i caused a special woman to leave, there’s no way in reasoning, the truth catches up with you 🙁  man it sucks. Why was I such a knob, why didn’t I see all this when I was with her?!

@Sammy

I’m sorry you got hurt, if it makes you feel any better, by replying to me in such a fair  way, even though you drew parallels with your own situation is a testimony of your strength and character. I hope you find your peace and I apologise if I have made things fresh for you again. Thank you for saying we are all capable of redemption and I will definitely be reassessing the company I keep “mates”.

I accept you addressing me with a more exacting tone. Everything you wrote is the stark reality. I appreciate the help in how to make amends. I will not be cowardly and will rectify it in person if permitted. Is it ok to request a meeting over text or phone? Any tips on how to approach that?

Do you believe having been in a similar situation you’d ever forgive and forget to try again?

@Kkasxo

Thanks for such a warm welcome to the thread. I will admit your response made me choke back tears. The insight I’ve received from you all is overwhelming. It has been very difficult to sit with these emotions but it’s time I grew up. @Shelbyville is correct I was that little boy playing at being a player to feel better. I wish I never listened to the lads, the hollowness is unreal. I don’t expect to be swiping left/right again. Thank you for not labelling me a fuckboy and realising I have definitely been lost in my own insecurities.

I want to say I know I referenced them as A, B etc that’s not to demean in any way. I just don’t want to use their names in a public forum.

Kkasxo , I do feel after A cheated it felt like it was a reflection that I wasn’t handsome, clever, cool and relaxed enough. All the things my best friend always was and that’s why she chose him all my life I felt second best that reinforced that feeling. I was not worthy.

When ‘B’ met me she had this sixth sense or something she could see past the fronting. She could feel my pain and just had a unique emotional understanding. I couldn’t control my desires for her outer beauty to really prize her inner beauty back then. She tried so hard to reflect back what she saw in me and she had a positive energy. So when ‘B’ would express that about me, it would irritate me because I didn’t believe it and then knowing she was so attractive I felt scared and wary.

You are spot on, I should never have gone out there on the advice of the lads. I should have dealt with my issues first. Maybe if I had met ‘B’ when better healed I would have treated her so much better and how she deserved. Instead I sucked her into my dark world without realising how damaging I was being to someone so beautiful inside and out. She pulled me out of that pit and I may have pushed her in.

One of the posters said I should pay for her psychotherapy because she must have low self esteem to consider sticking by someone like me?

I don’t know how to take that. I’m offended to read it because it reinforces my beliefs about my unworthiness.

I explained I’ve been a dick in my judgement but she didn’t have low self esteem, ‘B’ was a rare kind with values and self respect. I’ve never met someone so giving, selfless and pure hearted. She felt great empathy and like yourself saw my real self and that I was hurting and there was more to me.

But the poster went onto say;

” …I did not feel your raw form… but B did. I wonder what she experienced when she saw and heard and felt your raw form. I wonder if she still cherishes it.”

I feel slighted or am I being sensitive. Do you think ‘B’ hates me?

I really hope I have not damaged her faith in seeing the good in people. When I treated her with contempt because I couldn’t deal with the fact I had got it so wrong she walked away so gracefully careful to not undo the work in building me up and ensured I didn’t feel shit about myself because she had seen the fragileness when I was in a low place when we met, she knew exactly who I was and still accepted me. I took that for granted. Why was I such a idiotic fool?

No lies, I have feelings deeper than I even knew for her. All your responses are suggesting I apologise and leave her alone. Do you think with time I could prove to her that I am capable of being the man worthy of her and not the idiot boy she met?

Shelbyville, you also said this was probably a journey mate. What if I believe there was a more deeper connect between us. Do I give it up and not try, do you believe it’s too late? You all seem to have a lot of experience. I would welcome all the guidance. I can’t thank you enough for your time.

Danny