Dear anita and lukesblues,

You’re both very right. And I totally agree with you anita. You wrote:
“You don’t have this with your current girlfriend. She loved you from the start, no loss-and-return. It feel nice, but not intense.”

True. She gives me all I have ever wanted with my ex. I feel safe in my relationship. I feel secure. I give her a lot of freedom. She has her male friends and I do not feel jealous becouse of it. She also trusts me completely and gives a lot of space and freedom. I deeply care for her, and when she was going through hardships related to loss of job, I was giving my best to help her out with finding a new workplace. I am always there for her, and I know that I can always rely on her when I feel low. I can expose to her my most vulnerable part and feel completely comfortably with it.

Role model of what relationship should be. But… you’re very right anita.. I miss that intoxicating intensity of my flawed relationship with my ex.

It’s stupid, becouse rational part of me doesn’t want this kind of relationship. I know it has never served my well-being. I was suffering most of time, but still these occasional highs were totally worth it.

I guess that’s how feel a crack addict.

@lukesblues

There are days when I almost not think about her at all, and on the other days I suffer overwhelming anxiety related to my unresolved past with this girl. I really doubt if I had made ANY progress during last 11 months…

Thank you for your replies. I think that might be the point, Anita. Actually both my parents were very distant emotionally. They were fighting all the time and I’ve never really seen them being affectionate for each other. I may not even realize this, but there might be something familiar in pattern of chasing unattainable love. Maybe that’s why I have such strong feelings for my ex.

It wears me out.. I spend fantastic time with my girlfriend, and then I come back to my empty apartment and nostalgia takes my mind. During these times my ex is the only person on Earth, I’m thinking about.

El, I think your right in that point. She caused a lot of damage to my self-esteem.I remember the first time she dumped me for another guy. I was questioning totally everything about myself

toto and butterfly.. thank you for sharing your experience!

I was utterly devastated when I’ve heard that she loves somebody else, after I waited for her several months, but learning from my past experience with different girl, when I begged and pleaded A LOT, I decided to act differently. I said that I’m happy to hear that she’s doing great and I wish her best. Then I cut all contact with her.

I haven’t responded to her message, which she sent me last week (asking about my new job). Today she sent me another one which consisted of link to interview with some famous traveler (travelling is my passion)

I’m confused and I don’t know what should I do.

Does she:

1) Miss me and want me back?
2) Want to have me as her friend?
3) Want to get an ego boost? (learning that I’m still head over heels in love with her)
4) Feel guilty about dumping me and just want to make sure that I’m doing fine?

I feel that maintaing NC is the best thing to do, but on the other hand I love her so much and I don’t want her to think that I’m mad on her..

But also I don’t want to explain myself to her why I don’t want to talk with her… She’s fully aware of my feelings for her. During my last breakup I begged and pleaded and explained a lot and not only I didn’t change anything, but also felt guilty and ashamed for making a desperate wimp of myself.

Any thoughts? 🙁

• This reply was modified 10 years ago by David.
• This reply was modified 10 years ago by David.
• This reply was modified 10 years ago by David.

and besides louise, what gives you right to judge that girl, by saying that “she has no morals”? you know NOTHING about her. Yes, we don’t message each other, as frequently as, before her departure but distance and living in totally different time zones, takes a toll. She might be not, as flirtarious as, she was almost 4 months ago, but afterall it doesn’t necessairly prove that she has no longer interest in me. It has been a really long time, we haven’t seen each other in person. Still, she seems to be happy that we will meet again soon. And she’s not even interested whether I’ve got that job or not.

It’s just a voice in my head, that’s making up stories. And I recognize that this stories are not necessairly true. But somehow they still have got power over me. Irrational fear that being jobless, will make me unworthy and unlovable in her eyes. I just want to quiet that voice in my head but I don’t know how!

I was raised in family where my father is an extremly workaholic. Since my earliest school days, I was forced to involve myself in various groups, shows and other additional activities, just to avoid being “idle” and stay “active” all the time. The message I got from that time is: “I’m accepted when I’m busy and have stuff to do”. Besides, my mother always said to me how girls envy and like such type of man, becouse they feel safe with him and that she decided to be with my father becouse of his qualities (hardworking person).

That’s why situation, where I’m in love and stay unemployed, is such extremly uncomfortable for me.

Thank you, everyone for sharing your wisdom! Some of you made some excellent points (ie. Shawn about my lack of gratitude! Indeed I need to practise it!)

I went on few job interviews but so far I was rejected by everyone. It’s getting harder and harder each time becouse after each failure, my self-esteem is totally ruined. It is very difficult for me to convince myself that I’m not a loser and I should give myself another chance… I hate feeling so inadequate and not good enough 🙁

and there is this girl in the equation… I think that I have feelings for her. Before she left for that student exchange program, we used to be very affectionate towards each other. I’ve never before felt so loved and accepted. With her by my side, I felt like a valuable human being. But now I’m terribly worried that when she comes back from her exchange program (by the end of september) and finds out that I’m unemployed, she will not want to stay with me. I know… it looks like a faulty script in my head which says that “I’m worthy only when I have a job and earn money” but I can’t stop making such stories in my head.

I don’t want her to leave me.

That’s what I’m scared. That she will leave me. Not the fact that I’m unemployed.

The real reson of me being so scared is idea of her leaving me BECOUSE I don’t have a job.

Which equals an ultimate rejection and prove of being unlovable and not good enough.

If I only knew how to find a way out from this labiryth 🙁