Hi Arie1276

In our country Mothers Day always falls on a Sunday – is this also the same in your country? If this is so what is the real issue about your mom going out on the day before? Ok no-one wants to feel excluded on the one hand but, on the other we want to be in charge of who we see & what we want to do this paradoxical dance can go on most the time with everyone
Last year my son spent the Sunday with his wife & her family and in general I am anti the commercialization & hype around old religious/spiritual occasions. This year it was just going to be my daughter in law & children going out to lunch, but once my son found out that my dad was going to be in hospital that day I was invited to join them.

I get that the change in your sister in laws health has been the catalyst to try & improve interfamily relationships. When my mum got cancer for the 2nd time I said to my sons that whatever Nan wants Nan gets (as long as it is legal). Yes it was difficult to fulfill that wish over the following 5 years to her death & I failed on many occasions, but that heartfelt wish to make mum’s journey a pain free & peaceful one never left me.
I hope that things get easier for you & all your family.
Best wishes
Roberta

Dear Omyk
It is good to see you are posting again.
Originally I was not going to post as I felt that what I had to suggest/say seemed off center, but then I read your last post about your haven & the advice your friend gave you.
I live in a small community about of about 2000, with small scale tourism being the backbone of our economy. Most days I go to a little outdoors cafe & there I get to meet all sorts of different people & ages, we chat about things big & small like death, politics history & the environment etc sometimes our conversations are silly & lighthearted, sometimes the conversation stretches over the people sitting at 3 or 4 tables. It is the forging of connection however brief that is important.
Maybe you could ask your child’s opinion about you spending more time at your haven with the possibility of relocating there before you retire. Find out if your child enjoys going there? What is the spiritual community like where your haven is?
Small is beautiful & often very welcoming.
Kind regards
Roberta

Dear Mollie

I am sorry that you feel so many areas of your life are unfulfilling & in flux, making it hard to find vibrancy & positivity.
Can you identify anywhere else in the world that has a warmer & sunnier climate that you could pursue your career? I must admit that i too am effected by grey cold windy wet weather. On the rare bright days in winter months I make sure to charge up by facing the sun even if it is just a few minutes. My son does temping in his chosen career which enables him to only be in workplaces that he enjoys & have time off to fulfil a good work life balance.
Congratulations on caring about your relationship with your parents & having concern how your negativity is effect them. Not that you should shelter them completely from this frustrating period in your life, more that make the effort to be aware of the small joys in your life & share those with them. ie I went for a walk today & noticed how beautiful the cherry blossom is.
Oh yeah having expectations dashed is a real bummer. Sometimes life is easier when we decided to give ourselves a break & put aside expectations, that way chance encounters & new avenues have the potential to appear.
Hope you have a good weekend.
kind regards
Roberta

Dear Omyk

My first husband died in a motor bike accident at the age of 23 leaving me with an 18 month old baby & then my ex died when his boat sunk at the age of 36 leaving me to bring up our 10 year old so I get that feeling of urgency & yet my father is 94 & still with me, so on the flip side I could have another 30 years. I guess the trick is to live each day the best we can, showing love & compassion to those around us, looking after our inner life & doing enough each day so that we can feel contentment at bedtime.
I wish you all the best in your ministry & hope your congregation appreciate & support you.
Kind regards
Roberta

Dear Kris

I am sorry that things did not work out for you in the way you had hoped.
I know that “friends with benefits ” is trendy – as is hook ups which is the modern equivalent of one night stands for my younger years.
I agree with Anita’s advice about how to find & make friends in your area. If you are also wishing to fulfill your sexual desires, then a vibrator wont stand you up & also there is no chance of getting an STI.
I hope that you find a worthwhile relationships both inside & out of the bedroom. Honor & respect your needs in a way that does not cause you harm. Many of us have been thru this dilemma – forty years on I still cringe or laugh at some of my escapades.
kind regards
Roberta

Dear Omyk
A life of celibacy when it is ones own choice is a helpful container/bridge for our spiritual & worldly life. A life of celibacy that is imposed by an external party is a heavy & constricting burden.
We can have a fulfilling & supportive relationships without the romance & physical intimacies. Friends can be inspiring, fun, challenging & much much more. Each one bringing moments of connection & love, that beautiful poem of Anita’s is a wonderful illustration of this.
I wish you all the best with simplifying your life & may it bring you peace & restore your vitality.
Kind regards
Roberta

Dear Gage
You & your friend/girlfriend have traveled a long way down the healing path
She has managed to give up the narcotics & alcohol.
From the many people I have spoken with over the years the drug & alcohol abuse has been a side effect to deeper core issues.
In this case her insecurity/paranoia around other women (not an uncommon theme).
In my early 30’s I was a waitress in a small community I always gave the woman attention & compliments and took minimal notice of their partner, so as not to rouse any jealousy.
I have also been on the flip side when I was visiting my partner who was a lay person at a monastery. He introduced me to another visiting woman with just my name. She made it very clear that she wanted him & thought that I was in the way so after about 20 mins I got up dropped a kiss on his head( the equivalent to scent marking my territory ha ha !) & walked away. When he & I met up later I had to explain his faux par in not introducing me as his partner as she still thought he was single & up for grabs! we settled on the term ‘best beloved’. Although he & I discontinued the romance some years later we are still firm & supportive friends a decade on.
I hope that both your therapist will give you pointers in how to start healing this particular sore area.
kind regards
Roberta

Dear Agathe

So the honeymoon period has worn off. Love is more than the heady excitement of the initial period.
Grasping & attachment bring suffering & so does aversion.
Stress releases chemicals into your body & brain and these effects can last longer than one thinks, so although the source of your stress has departed, the side effects have not.

So what good qualities does your boyfriend have? Remembering them & having gratitude will help refresh your heart.
Thinking and implementing doing something nice for him without worrying about the outcome.
I am sure the rest of the group will come up with something.
Kind regards
Roberta